Metal Movies: Vol. 2

Dark Floors

2008

D: Pete Riski

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      I love Lordi. Lordi, along with Manowar, was one of my esoteric gateway drugs to metal fandom. Of course, this may have been because Nashville, from what I’ve heard, has a sort of country-western protectionist policy toward radio play. I naturally checked out their horror movie, which unfortunately is as blandly antiseptic as the hospital it takes place in. It was also one of Finlands highest-budget film at the time (equivalent to $4,300,000), so make your own judgment on that. 

      The movie revolves around an autistic girl (Skye Bennett) in a hospital whose visions compel her to draw an infernal spiral with a red crayon. After a bad experience, her father Ben (Noah Huntley) tries to get her out of the hospital, but they and the rest of the gang (William Hope, Leon Herbert, Ronald Pickup, Philip Bretherton, Dominique McElligott) run into to trouble because the hospital is haunted by members of Lordi! (Mr. Lordi, Amen, Awa, Kita, and OX). People die as they encounter each member one by one until the girl glows in radiant goodness as she faces the final boss (Mr. Lordi). She basically tells him off as he stands their growling in digital smoke and the curse is lifted. The film ends with the girl’s drawing a spiral this time with a blue crayon, which is presumably better.

       Dark Floors is neither good enough to be engaging nor cheesy enough to be amusing in a way that can compete with the director's name. As a horror movie, it has little originality or punch, and its style is generic. A product of the Naughts, it lacks good retro B-Movie style, and it has the inevitable poorly-integrated CGI. Whatever potential it could have to be taken seriously is squandered by the monsters’ being cameos of Lordi members, so they might as well by Looney Tunes characters.  It might have been fun had they leaned into a camp comedy approach, but that would be intruding into GWAR’s territory. It doesn't even feature any songs.

        It seems almost appropriate that Lordi’s horror movie isnn’t nearly as fun as Alice Cooper's, considering he dissed on them once, though I think that’s because he read something they said wrong. Then agin, he is Alice Cooper so he can say things like that. 

The Many Sonas of Vincent D. Furnier

Monster Dog

1986

D: Claudio Fragasso

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       Being an Alice Cooper fan, I could not help but check out his dabbling in B-Grade horror with Monster Dog. The man has many valid potential 'songs that could include a snake, spider, dragon, wolf, or, my personal choice, yinglet. Who could possibly deny him as a werewolf in a Spanish movie made by the husband and wife team that gave us Troll 2 with a mostly Spanish cast with everybody's (including Cooper) voice dubbed in English? However, if you’re in the mindset of watching an ironically amusing romp based on that last data point, you might be in for a disappointment. 

       But, Pyrodox, you say, you don't have to pretend this movie is good just because Alice Cooper is in it, do you?

       Yes.

       Yes, I do.

       Rock star Vincent Raven (Cooper, dubbed by eventual OC namesake Ted Rusoff) travels with his band (Victoria Vera, Carlos Santurio,Pepa Sarsa, Pepita James, Emilio Linder (I'm not sure if I'm crediting these characters right, the credits lists aren't too helpful online) to his spooky ancestral home to film a video or two, but this unfortunately coincides with a rash of strange dog-related deaths, one of whom is the old retainer of the house Jos (who I don’t think is credited).

      The band experiences much creepy foreshadowing in the forms of a book and a scary painting that culminates in Jos’ body crashing through the window while they film a moody song, and, instead of running with that like professionals, they all freak out. 

        Despite the rumors about his ancestry, Raven is well-liked by the locals, including the B-Movie version of Mario and Luigi cops (Ricardo Palacios and Luis Maluenda) with the exception of a violent gang (Charly Bravo, Fernando Conde, Fernando Baeza, Nino Bastida) that seems to be using the legend as a pretext for violence. There would be some plausible sympathetic angles to the locals’ being suspicious of the resident demon-blooded man, but I suppose that would be too cliché. They cause trouble for our band, until Vincent takes the old family shotguns and dispatches them on the rooftop. This results in a rather amusing moment when Alice Cooper goes “Hey, you” to a thug before blowing off the top of his head.    

Unfortunately, this conflict, as well as all the lycanthropy, causes the crew to die off one by one, with the main culprit's being an old man (Barta Barri) who was revealed to have been infected with lycanthropy by Vincent's father.

        The premise, which is not too played out but not too original, The werewolf is Raven’s father who ends up passing on the curse to our reluctant hero. There's even a token female member of the group with limited clairvoyance she panics over (she dies). In the finale Vincent compels the last girl (Vera) to kill him which she does right after he transforms. 

       Despite all the cheesiness, I genuinely enjoyed Monster Dog, but I'm obviously biased. I would expect to see more affectionate reactions, but virtually every review seems to hate this movie. Then again this is low-budget B-Movie which Alice Cooper decided to get involved with for fun/drug recovery and agreed to be in it only because it was an obscure B-Movie that would only be released in the Philippines (?). The daytime scenes are cheap-looking, and even my DVD’s grungy picture quality cannot prevent one of the thugs’ obviously fake tooth gap from shinging through. The movie’s production was also a chaotic affair involving the menacing of its cast with firearms and half-starved dogs. Fortunately, Alice Cooper was apparently immune from the latter issue since there’s one atmospheric scene in which his werewolf blood establishes him as a sort of dog whisperer. 

        Still, the movie has its strengths. The nighttime scenes, with the help of creative lighting and a fog machine, are atmospheric, and it is genuinely engaging, almost bordering on suspenseful. The grainy picture is part of the charm of the era, and the monster make-up isn’t bad, especially since it’s shot with surprising restraint. Maybe I’m just a fan of the old-school low-budget aesthetic, and this movie at least shows a level of competence that does not track with Troll 2. 

        The movie also features two original songs by Alice Cooper and local composer Teddy Bautista, and they’re pretty good. The movie is introduced via the first song and its thematically significant title as a demonstration of Vincent Raven’s typical work. These songs were never officially released afterward until they were included in The Life and Crimes of Alice Cooper (1999). During the first piece, as Alice Cooper posed as secret agent in front of a Rolls Royce whose rental I presume constituted the majority of the movie’s budget, I could not help but think that a clean-cut Alice Cooper looked familiar, until I realized that it was Michael Scott he reminded me of. I’m not the first to make that connection, by the way. Judging from what I’ve heard about the aforementioned production shenanigans, I wouldn’t mind seeing a movie about it with Steve Carrell.

       Though perhaps too slow for some, Monster Dog is a fun watch for fans of 80's B-Movies and Alice Cooper, and is at the very least justified by giving us two good Cooper songs. 

MEMORABLE QUOTES

ALICE COOPER: Hey, you! [blows off the top of thug's head with shotgun] 

Favorite Covers

Having done a list of frustrating covers, I'm overdue for my favorites, and this list is apparently longer. This is a bit disconcerting because conventional wisdom dictates that negativity is associated with discernment. On the other hand, so is contrarianism, so I've elected to be discerning about that. With all due respect to some covers, I'm concerning myself with improved versions. I admit that it's not consistent with the other page's premise, but I really wanted to complain Millennials' thinking that Alien Ant Farm's version of "Smooth Criminal" is better than the original. I'm not judging by the video portion, so I'm not including Fallout Boy's version of Beat It in which Buster shows up out of nowhere.

 

18. ROBERTA FLACK – “KILLING HIM SOFTLY WITH HIS SONG”

- Original by Lori Lieberman

The original version is a good, somber, one that works in a minimalist way. The cover adds a whole new level by adding what seems to be an entirely new melody. Despite its being good, it joins many bad pieces like "Friends in Low Places" as one of those songs that should be non-negotiably banned from karaoke. 

 

17. GUNS N’ROSES – “LIVE AND LET DIE”

- Original by Paul McCartney and Wings

The only Bond song, for some presumably Byzantine legal reason, that seems to be on any radio stations' Radar screen. If you're lucky they'll have the decency to play this version, which is rescued from being a Perfunctory Hard Rock Cover by Slash's above-average guitar work.  

16. METALLICA – “TURN THE PAGE”

- Original by Bob Seger

This would be a natural example of a PHRC, but it manages to have more emotion and pathos in its sound than the original. 

 

15. ARETHRA FRANKLIN – “RESPECT”

- Original by Otis Redding

Mostly known for one of the greatest Motown classics every composed, Redding also apparently inspired a rather memorably sassy repudiation by Franklin.

14. ISRAEL KAMAKAWIWO'OLE - "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"

- Original by Harold Arlen, Yip Harburg, and Judy Garland 

A far more heartfelt and poignant version of a well-known movie song. Kamakawiwo-ole is also most well known for a cover of Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World," which is not an improvement over the original.

13. GHOST - "HERE COMES THE SUN"

- Original by the Beatles

Okay, Beatles is like clubbing baby seals, but Ghost has a great sound and many other covers that are arguably improvements over the original. 

12. GHOST - "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"

- Original by The Rolling Stones

You know what, I'm racking up years in Purgatory for dissing on the Stones like this, but they could have given it a darker sound like "Paint It Black."

11. THE TEMPTATIONS – “GET READY”

- Original by Rare Earth

Though lacking in the baritone vocals, this version has a much more energetic tempo, and would make a great metal song with its sense of progression. It's practically begging for a Judas Priest cover. 

 

10. THE IRISH ROVERS - “DONALD WHERE'S YOUR TROUSERS?”

- Original by Andy Stewart

As a product of an only-slightly-Irish Catholic family, I was a captive audience to many Irish folk songs, with only a handful of them being really good. It's kinda funny how this guy decided to belt out a genuinely epic, rousing melody for a goofy song making fun of Scottish people for wearing skirts. This version has the energy and execution to bring it out and improve it.

 

9. PEGGY LEE – “FEVER”

- Original by Little Willie John

The original is good enough to make me hesitate to call this an improved cover, but Peggy Lee is the sexiest female voice ever (the sexiest male voice is, of course, Barry White).

 

8. THE ANIMALS – “THE HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN”

- Folk Song

A true classic and the best version I know of. The earliest famous version is by Tom Clarance Ashley, but it lacks the heaviness the subject matter demands. Did they just not know about Minor Key back then?

 

7. SIGRID - “EVERYBODY KNOWS”

- Original by Leonard Cohen

The Leonard Cohen song that everybody should be talking about as being outdone by its covers. The original lacks the pathos it needs, but it could work if it is interpreted as the gloating of a victorious villain. Concrete Blonde imbued it with the appropriate tone, and the Sigrid version of improves upon that improvement. There might be a bit of an ad hominem issue in the fact that Zack Snyder of all people knows when a Leonard Cohen cover is better than the original and when it isn't. 

 

6. SLEIGH BELLS – “WHERE DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT”

- Folk Song

The song was considered codified in its current form by Leadbelly, and re-popularized by Nirvana. The Nirvana version isn't that innovative, but its' a default improvement simply for omitting the intermittent questions that (I'm sorry) are just annoying immersion-killing crap. As heretical as it may sound this new version defeats the two in my book by a fair margin.

5. DALE ANN BRADLEY – “STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU”

- Original by Stealers Wheel

An energetic Bluegrass version of a song I never particularly cared for either way. Kudos to No Evil for exposing me to it.

 

4. MANFRED MANN – “MIGHTY QUINN”

- Original by Bob Dylan

It's rather surprising that this band, which is responsible for two insufferable covers that have plagued me throughout most of my life, also produced a cover that is an extremely enjoyable and fun song, certainly better than the janky execution of the original. 

 

3. CONFIDENTALMX AND BECKY HANSON- “I STARTED A JOKE”

- Original by the Bee Gees

A symptom of the dastardly trend of making movie trailers that are more epic than the movies themselves, this cover was certainly put to good use making Suicide Squad look like a better movie than it really was. I'm going to go out and say that I love the somber cover trend. It's getting some hate as a trend apparently simply for being a trend, but I wonder were this hate was during the dark time when trailer editors somehow got the idea that the Millennial Whoop sounded epic. There are plenty examples, but this is one that stands as an obvious improvement over the original, which I never really cared for. 

2. SOFT CELL – “TAINTED LOVE”

- Original by Gloria Jones

An obvious entry. The added synth-notes and minor key turn this into the definite version of a mostly forgotten Oldie. Pretty much any subsequent cover is a cover of this version.

 

1. JOHNNY CASH – “HURT”

- Original by Nine Inch Nails

Typical choice, I know, but sometimes, on rare occasions, democracy works. Then again, it's not one of Nine Inch Nails' better songs. 

 

*I kinda wish there were more hard rock/metal covers, but part of me wants to pretend that these entries are (accidentally) massively improved versions of other songs.