The Worst Movie Villains

A good villain is often essential to a good movie, but what makes a good villain.  Not all truly threatening villains are good, and some weak, stupid villains are classics (Toht, for example).  It varies from villain to villain, but I think the most important things are charisma (does the villain say anything memorable) and style (does he look, sound cool).  Often, the key is simply good writing combined with a well-cast actor.  Simple as that.  Here are some types of bad villain:

Bland: Possibly the worst offense.  The villain is utterly uninteresting and forgettable.  Often, wooden acting is a contributing factor.

 Annoying: The villain is actively irritating.  Could be his voice, his mannerisms or his expressions. 

  DESIGNATED VILLAIN: The villain presented as someone to root against even if he really isn’t that bad.  Whatever evidence of his badness is forced and tacked on.  Sometimes, he’s a villain in a story that doesn’t even need one.  Other times, he's out of place in the movie's universe.  At worst, he is a political strawman.

CHARACTER DERAILMENT: Character is a gross misrepresentation of a fictional character.

 MISCAST: Not necessarily a bad actor, just the wrong guy for the role.

 WASTED ACTOR: Not a bad actor, and might have even been great for the role, but the character was terrible or the actor was taken advantage of.

 COMES OFF LIKE A PUNK: Villain is completely smug, douchy or unintimidating, and not in a good way.

 LOOKS SILLY: Villain simply has a bad character design.

 CAN'T CUSS WORTH A DARN: Villains are generally more formal in the way they speak.   There are some exceptions, but not many.  Most villains should avoid dropping F-bombs if they don’t want to look like punks.

 BAD ACTING: A good performance is always key to a good villain.  Hammy acting can be amusing, but wooden acting is never good.

 STUPID: Unintelligent villains aren’t necessarily bad ones, but when combined with other bad villain traits, it’s just another criticism worth mentioning.

Now here's a list of villains who don't quite cut the butter.

23.. Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce, Tomorrow Never Dies)

I probably would include this among the good Bond movies if not for this bad guy.  It’s not that he’s inherently lame, it’s just that he is such a painfully obvious parody of Ted Turner (with a little bit of Bill Gates thrown in).  That makes it a bit hard for me to suspend my disbelief.  Now, I would like to see Ted Turner being shoved into a digging mole by a man saying “Give the people what they want!”, but that wouldn’t be too appropriate for a Bond movie.  I would like to see a cartoon in which an evil Ted Turner surrogate tried to brainwash innocent toons into being tools for his ideological agenda, and the heroes had to fight him for freedom.  That would be pretty cool.

22. The Lemons (Eddie Izzard, Thomas Kretschmann & Co., Cars 2)   

Probably the most baffling choice of villains Pixar has ever made.  Disabled people who want some respect for once.  Also, some of theses lemons aren't really lemons.  Morally ambiguous villains can work in a well-developed world, but this the case.  

 21. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith)

It's sad because Darth Vader from the Holy Trilogy is my favorite villain of all time.  It's also sad because Hayden Christensen gets blamed for this even though he isn't even a bad actor (even Mr. Plinkett said so).  He's just a terribly written character.  It's hard to believe that Darth Vader would kill underlings for paltry mistakes when he got where he was only through his own bottomless stupidity.

20. Dean Pritchard (Jeremy Piven, Old School)

 Comedies like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Animal House have a disturbing way of wanting us to root for the bad guys and against a guy who seems to be fighting the good fight.  Sure, Old School is a funny movie, and Jeremy Piven is good at playing passive aggressive characters like this, but this is a bit too much.  The only really bad thing he does is extort that one student, but even that comes out of nowhere.  The protagonists start an illegitimate frathouse where the engage in all sorts of debauchery and female objectification (some of it involving underage girls), and we're supposed to dislike this guy for trying to shut them down?  The revelation that the “heroes” of the story bullied him in school only makes him more sympathetic: a dean trying to restore order and morality and defeat the people who wronged him once before.  Oh yeah, also they made him a deer hunter because….that makes us want to root against him, I guess?  

19. Colonel Isaac Johnson (Danny Glover, Shooter)

Danny Glover is okay playing well-balanced, mild characters, as well as characters who are too old for this shit, but I cannot buy him as a villain.  Simple as that.  I know, they’re trying to go for a calm, cool villain with a monotone, but even then it doesn’t work.  You can't make Danny Glover evil, that's all there is to it.  Also, his character is a typical corrupt government official.

 

18. Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff, Blade)

Nothing about Stephen Dorff is evil, stylish or menacing.  You just can’t take this pretty boy seriously as a bad guy, and the fact that he constantly drops F-bombs in a vain effort to sound intimidating just makes him look like a punk.  He’s only amusing when he gets in funny conversations with Quinn.

17. Eli Damaskinos (Thomas Kretschmann, Blade II)

You know, this guy turns up three times on this list.  I don’t know what his career is like in Germany, but he doesn’t make very good movies for the States, that’s for sure.  He’s a bland character, and his main physical features are looking really old in a generic vampire kind of way and wearing a bathrobe open so we can see his bony old man chest.  That doesn’t remind me of my nightmares; that reminds me of visiting Grandpa for the weekend.  His human lawyer is more sinister than he is.  The only cool thing about him is that crazy blood cake he eats at one point.

16. Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro, 300)

Bad implications aside, subtly effeminate villains are a time-tested staple; key word being "subtly."  This guy takes it so far you can’t possibly take him seriously.

15. Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang, Avatar)

It’s understandable why many people, even those who hate this movie, think this guy is cool.  He’s the villain in a preachy piece of junk, which automatically garners some sympathy.  He does have his moments of badassness, but he’s still a bland character who mostly talks in points lifted from George W. Bush’s wartime speeches.  He seems like too much of a good-ole-boy, and I’m afraid I’m a bit too old-school for a villain like that.

14. Oren Goodchild (Jonny Lee Miller, AeonFLUX)

That’s the villain?  He’s too adorable to be the villain!  He looks like a thinner version of Chris-Chan with better clot-wait, considering that he actually does look a little creepy.  Also, he and his brother are clones that were  told by their previous clones to “be me.”  The movie treats this like immortality, and that’s just stupid.

13. Kraven (Shane Brolly, Underworld)

I just don’t buy this guy as a centuries-old vampire in an agelessly young body.  Some people can sell that (Kate Beckinsale, bland as she is in that movie, does make me believe it), but this guy doesn’t.  Also, I know the guy’s supposed to be a pussy, but they can’t at least be somewhat subtle with it?  I mean, how do the other vampires even believe that he killed Lucien in the first place when he has “pussy” written all over him?  I was tempted to include Viktor on this list, but it turned out that I actually find Bill Nighy's hamminess amusing.

12. Warden Hennessey (Joan Allen, Death Race)

I’ve heard Joan Allen is a good actress, but she certainly wasn’t trying very hard in this movie.  This character is very bland, but when she suddenly blurts out, “Okay, c***sucker.  F*** with me, and we’ll see who s***s on the sidewalk,” the whole world did a facepalm.

 

11. Nerva (Sebastien Andrieu, Ultraviolet)

This guy is one of the most wooden actors I have ever seen in any movie, and it’s a good thing he’s not the main bad guy (that role is filled by the very charismatic Nick Chinlund).  He’s supposed to be sinister, but he just acts like he’s stoned the whole time.  Turns out, that’s not so surprising.  If you take a look at this guy's filmography, it’s kinda…underwhelming.

10. Albert Laurent (Djimon Hounsou, The Island)

I'm going to do another list of foolish movie villains, but Captain Stupid and his band of dumbasses here get the honor of being on this list as well because, in addition to being stupid, they're also just lame.  They're supposed to be a group of elite private military contractors made up of "ex-Navy SEALS and ex-Delta Force" but they can't seem to catch two naive clones without causing ridiculous amounts of public destruction.  In one particularly ridiculous scene Ewan McGregor and his clone are side by side trying to convince Laurent who's the real person.  Clone McGregor gets a bright idea and switches his ID bracelet with real Ewan McGregor right in damn front of him AND HE STILL FALLS FOR IT.  He eventually decides to stop hunting the clones because he realizes he's no different from the people who persecuted him in the past.  How does he come to this seemingly obvious realization?  He sees that they tattooed the clones like he was tattooed by his former enemies...because he's apparently so freaking dumb that he needs to see a TATTOO to make the connection.

9. The Riddler (Jim Carrey, Batman Forever)

Dear Gosh, was he annoying.  Do I even have to explain why?  The funny thing is, Jim Carrey would have made a good Riddler in serious or semi-serious mode.

 8. Nymphadora (Mila Kunis, Oz the Great and Powerful)

Talk about bad casting.  Mila Kunis looks comically unthreatening as the Wicked Witch.  What's more, she has terrible motivation: "That guy I don't know broke up with me even though we hardly started dating, so I'm going to blame him and not my evil sister who lied to me and turned me into a monster."  I thought she was actually faking her infatuation for the protagonist, but it turned out she was actually heartbroken when he left, so I guess it was just terrible acting.  Also, did they seriously just paint angry eyebrows smack dab in the middle of her forehead?  I can see why Tonks doesn't like to go by that name.

 7. Pinbacker (Mark Strong, Sunshine)

I don't know what's more annoying: that Pinbacker is an obvious religious strawman or the blatant waste of Mark Strong in this role.  I don't know what Strong did to piss Danny Boyle off, but all of his footage is shown at impossibly oblique angles, blurred and with shaky cam.  In other words, we don't get to see this great character actor act at all.  They literally could have put any idiot in that burn makeup and the effect would have been exactly the same. 

6. Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones, Batman Forever)

Not only does he look ridiculous, but they completely miss the point of his character.  Two-Face is supposed to be conflicted and tragic; he’s half-good, half-evil and constantly at war with himself.  This guy is pure evil, and what every light side he has is reduced to a fashion statement.  Sure, they ignored Two-Face’s dichotomy in Dark Knight, too, but at least they treated him like a tragic character in that movie.  He overacts almost as bad as Jim Carrey, and his evil side looks like the cook from Star Trek Voyager in a glam rocker’s Sunday best.  Tommy Lee Jones is a great actor and would have made a great Harvey Dent/Two-Face, but boy, oh boy, did they mess this one up.

5. Mr. Freeze (Arnold Scharzenegger, Batman and Robin)

Yeah, I don’t need to explain this one.  Bad acting on Arnold’s part, silly costume, awful one-liners.  At least he wore a cool polar bear bathrobe at one point.

4. The Penguin (Danny DeVito, Batman Returns)

I don’t want to diss on Danny DeVito, but he was badly miscast in this movie.  Seriously, the only thing this Italian Jersey native has in common with the Penguin is shortness, but then again this Penguin is so bafflingly out of character that it almost doesn't coutn as bad casting.  He gives an inspirational speech to a bunch of damn penguins.  I wish I was making that up.  The Penguin has an interesting story with potential, and instead Tim Burton turned him into one of his “outcast” characters.  He’s supposed to be a classy person, but instead he’s  a crude manimal who can’t hide his base sexual urges and runs around in his underwear all the time.  This freaking happens.  His final plan makes no sense and was apparently pulled out of the writers’ asses at the last second.  I do love his physical character design and his full suit...if he didn't spend so much time running around in his underwear.  Also, he’s telling those penguins that it's ok to be afraid because they might not come back alive...seriously, this is worse than the Bat Credit Card.  I'm not even exaggerating.

3. Major Timothy Cain (Thomas Kretschmann, Resident Evil Apocalypse)

Thomas Kretschmann pulled a hat trick.  This has got to be the blandest villain I have ever seen, even without his inexplicable German accent.  He just doesn’t do anything interesting, and his dialogue is pure cliché.  He doesn’t come off as remotely evil, unless you have a special fear of people who wear bluetooths.

2. Megatron (Hugo Weaving, Transformers)

So you’re making a movie based on a popular cartoon and you’re figuring out whom to choose for its voice cast.  Your options are:

      A.)   Cast the voice actor who not only gives the villain’s role a distinctive and sinister sound, but already defined the character for an entire generation

      B.)    Reject said voice actor because he “didn’t sound awesome enough” and cast more expensive and popular actor, only to garble his voice beyond all recognition.

If you picked A, you’re not Michael Bay.  Megatron was a classic cartoon villain, and in the movies he’s just a bland dumbass with nothing remotely resembling a personality.  Also, like every Transformer in that damn movie, he looks like a nondescript pile of shrapnel.  I suppose his look was supposed to give him a ferocious, bestial appearance, but that’s not Megatron.  Megatron is a calculating, evil mastermind, and that design does not suit him at all.

1. Hammerson (Stephen McHattie, Shoot’em Up)

“I’m the head of a gun company, so that means I’m pure evil!  I kill babies, because I don’t support gun control!  No, I don’t believe I’m right, I’m just evil, because I make guns!”  Yes, people, that is literally what passes for political commentary in that movie.  This character is nothing more than a lazily written political strawman written by someone who could not be bothered to actually be remotely intelligent or honest when it comes to politics, and that is frankly worse than any other entry on this list.  (I was tempted to include Charlton Heston from Bowling for Columbine; that’s no less a work of fiction than any of these other movies.)

Characters I Like (From Movies I Hate)

Bad Movies.  At least we don't have to be in them.  Sometimes, however, a cool character somehow finds the misfortune to actually be in a crappy movie.  Here's my tribute to cool characters from bad movies.  I was tempted to put some characters on there.  For example: Ephialtes from 300 was the only character in that movie I found remotely sympathetic despite being a villain, but that only made it more apparent how bad the movie was.  This is about characters who partially redeem a movie.  Nor am I going to include large groups of  supporting characters from movies that suck because they focus mainly on two bland love interests (Twilight, Failure to Launch)

8. Governor Ratcliffe (David Ogden Stiers, Pocahontas)

I always like DOS’ voice acting, and Ratcliff is the only fun character in this movie.  Not only does he have a cool song, his “That’s what GUNS are for” line is pretty good, too.  Not bad for a fat man in a pink suit. 

7. Hertz (Paul Giamatti, Shoot’em Up)

As I pointed out before, I freakin’ hate this movie, and Hertz was the only character I found likable on any level.  He may be motivated by infanticide the whole time, but it’s hard not to like any character who’s played by Paul Giamatti.   At least I can take comfort in knowing that I don’t support infanticide in real life.

6. Sandy Lyle (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Along Came Polly)

Hoffman is a great actor, and his appearance as an immature former child star is the only funny thing (well, except this, and even then he's present for it) in this bland Ben Stiller/Jennifer Anniston rom-com.

5. Hades (James Woods, Hercules)
The smooth-talking but scary god of the Underworld was the only cool thing about his movie.

4. Jenny McBride (Hynden Walch, Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue)

I’ll agree with most everyone that this is a mediocre bastardization of one of the greatest animated movies ever made.  I do, however, like this character…ok, I might have a bit of a furry crush on her….  She might be written off as a love interest, except she’s the one who actively drives the story and ends up saving Timmy’s life in the end.  She’s actually pretty cool, even if she’s the daughter of some mice who got retconned back to life after we saw them die in the first one.

3. Secretary of Defense John Keller (Jon Voight, Transformers)

The reason why fewer people liked Transformers 2 even though it was really no more idiotic than Transformers.  He’s one of the few non-annoying character in the series (except maybe Optimus, but even he gets too little screen time to count).  The scene where he fights an attacking Decepticon with a  shotgun is by far the most awesome part of the Transformers Trilogy.

2. Det. Gina Calabrese (Elizabeth Rodriguez, Miami Vice)

The occasional gunfight in this movie is worth watching, but outside that, what this character does in the trailer park scene is the only cool part of this boring piece of crap.

1. The Thin Man (Crispin Glover, Charlie’s Angels)

It’s a pretty stupid movie series, but The Thin Man makes it partially worth sitting through.  This guy just oozes style, and he’s the best mute henchman I’ve ever seen.

Scorpio's Favorite TV Shows

20. Frasier (1993-2004)
An above average sitcom with the lovable Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce.  Though I haven't heard particularly good things about the later seasons.

20. The Simpsons (1990-8)
This show went from being the best show on television to being the worst* show on television.  It's been so bad for so long that it's actually easy to forget how good it used to be.

19. The Wire (2002-8)

I like this show, even though I normally don't like crime dramas.  Amazingly gritty, realistic look at our broken governmental system and how that effects crime.  Scores of great characters and excellent depth.

18. Sonic the Hedgehog (SatAM) (1993-4)

I never really got into this show until I was about 20 (no nostalgia goggles), but I still love it.  In addition to good animation, strong female characters (Sally, Bunnie), dark atmosphere and great voice acting (especially from Jim Cummings as Robotnik), it had some things you don't see in most Saturday Morning Cartoons, such as poignancy, well-developed romance (Sonic and Sally), and a truly vile villain.  I also love how it combined classic toon style with serious premise; we need to see more of that.  I just wish it had a better finale.

17. Seinfeld (1989-1998)
Revolutionary comedy about the social misadventures of a few misanthropic misfits.  The best character was George.

16. Trailer Park Boys (2001-8)
The hilarious antics of a group of Canadian trailer park residents as they try (and fail) to sell drugs and thwart their alcoholic supervisor.

15. Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-)
Pretty much the best parts of Seinfeld condensed into one great show by making George Larry David the main character, and without any pesky laugh track, either.  Sometimes you feel sorry for him, sometimes he brings it on himself, but it's always funny.

14. The Office (UK) (2001-3)
Hilarious comedy about a manager who tries to be everybody's friend but only offends his employees.  Ricky Gervais does a great job making a character who is unpleasant, but ultimately sympathetic.

13. Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003-5)
Genndy Tartakovsky's excellent interpretation of the Clone Wars has distinctive animation, great action and none of what was annoying about the prequels.

12. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (2010-)

Yes, I put this on here, but I may just be going through the phase for now.  Still, this is a  witty show whose animation is refreshing after a decade of bad animation.  You have to give props for this cartoon for showing that a young girl's cartoon can be good fun for all people.

11. Pinky and the Brain (1995-8)
Arguably the best part of Animaniacs got its own show.

10. Freakazoid!  (1995-7)
The apex of Steven Spielberg produced 90's Cartoons.  Great experimental humor, even if some jokes fall flat.  It combines the adult-targeted absurdism of an 00's cartoon with good artwork and animation (a trait of 90's cartoons I sorely miss).

9. Breaking Bad (2008-)

This may just be up here because I'm still watching it, but it's a great show and I'm hooked.

8. Invader ZIM (2001-2002, 2006)

Great, dark style and dark humor at its best.  It's funny how ZIM's mission to take over the world and Dib's efforts to stop him manifest in acts of ridiculous pettiness.

7. Talespin (1990-1994)

I actually like this the best out of all the 90's Disney shows, in fact I like it more than the Jungle Book.  Actually had well-developed characters and some good stories, but my favorites were Shere Khan and the Thembrians.

6. Looney Tunes (1930-1969)
To me, this show is to cartoons what Star Wars means to me as a movie.  It's overall good, but it's the Chuck Jones era where it hit its apex.  This is the cartoon that Warner Bros. always tries to revive with mixed success, and its one of the seminal works for any fan of animation.

5. Game of Thrones (2011-)
I'm hooked.  Combines fantasy with complex storytelling.  The character designs aren't as compelling as described in the books, but the dialogue seems a bit snappier.

4. Cowboy Bebop (1998-1999)

I'm not much of an anime fan, but I love this show.  The artwork is gorgeous, the characters are fun, and the action is some of the best I've seen.  The voice cast is good, and the dialogue is surprisingly good, with a touch of humor.  Also has the best finale I've seen for a show.

3. Avatar: the Last Airbender (2005-2008)

People write this show off because of the semi-anime style, but the animation is good, the story is well developed and the characters are complex.  Proof that there was more to naughts cartoons than mediocre Butch Hartman shows and the like.

2. Batman: the Animated Series (1992-1995)

Dark and stylish, with complex characters.  This was (and still is) the ultimate Batman for me.  This was an excellent show, but the revived 1997 version was merely OKAY.

1. Arrested Development (2003-2006, 2013-)

My favorite comedy of all time.  Dry wit, zany situations and memorable quirky characters played by an excellent cast.  Apparently, though, America does not have a sense of humor, so it couldn't make it through 3 whole seasons.  Although I just heard it has been renewed for a fourth season on Neflix Instant Play.





*Actually, that's an exaggeration.  The worst show on television is either Glee, MadCN or My Gym Partner is a Monkey.

The Best Training Songs

9. "Keep Those Balls in the Air" (Arrested Development)

It’s not particularly rousing song, nor does it sound that good, but the fact that it’s a training song about juggling gives it a place on this list just by sheer funniness.

8. "Push It To theLimit" (Paul Engeman, Scarface)

This techno-heavy piece is solidied by its appearance in the above movie.  It’s so 80’s and we all know that 80sness is essential to a training song.

7. "Now You’re a Man" (DVDA, Orgazmo)

Like many of Trey Parker’s songs, it’s just as good sounding as it is funny.

6. "I’ll Make a Man Out of You" (Donny Osmond, Mulan)

Some might question Donny Osmond’s being on this list.  The song is uneven, but the great parts are truly rousing. The chant of “BE A MAN” accompanied by metaphorical harmonizing make this song.

5. "We Will RockYou/We Are the Champions" (Queen)

Its subject matter for training is questionable, but it’s undeniably effective, especially for competitive sports.  We Are the Champions also acknowledges the pain of training and competition and the joy of victory.

4. "Eye of the Tiger" (Survivor, Rocky)

The quintessential training song everybody knows.  Need I say more?

3. "Montage" (Team America: World Police)

It sounds good, but what makes it great is how dead-on its description of a movie’s training montage is, right down to the explanation for the final fadeout.

2. "Number One" (Manowar)

Few songs express up the painful nature of working out as this song does: “Turning hours into days/Burning muscles, feel the pain!/The heart and soul of discipline, my friends”  Also, it’s a Manowar song, so it already rocks anyway.

 1. "Live to Win" (Paul Stanley)

Nothing particular about this song’s lyrics or anything.  I just think it’s the best sounding one here.

A Blast From the Past

Pfish and Chip

1995, 1997

**********

Pros: Great animation, Some funny gags and lines, Pfish

Cons: Scattershot gag humor, Some annoying voice acting

     When I was but a little dragon, Cartoon Network ran the What-a-Cartoon!, which intended to give creative power to individual cartoonists so that they could get their visions out in the open.  This series sparked the careers of talents like Genndy Tartakovsky and Craig McCracken, but as a kid I never gravitated toward such styles of limited animation (I’m still not a fan of it; I grew up in an era when we actually had standards for the artwork in our cartoon shows).  The cartoon that grabbed my attention the most was Pfish and Chip.   

    This was no surprise since the animation of the show is brilliant.  The characters, which are drawn in classic toon style, are expressive and the movement is fluid.   Stylization and exaggeration are well executed, and the character designs can be adapted to whatever the gags put them through.  To me, this is exactly the way a cartoon should look, so I was very surprised when I revisited the show and found out who was responsible for it.

     Okay, suffice to say, I don’t like Butch Hartman cartoons.  They pretty sum up everything I hate about modern cartoons, and I’ll express my feelings about them right now.  This rant could get a bit brutal.  GAASSPP… They’re poorly animated with flat, bland artwork reflecting a skill level only one step above what is required to make stick figures.  The characters’ body language is stilted and they often have awkwardly blank expressions that stare off into nothingness, thus rendering their deliveries of jokes just as bland as the animation.  The jokes are just random gags with no real impact.  The dialogue is painfully forced, and the characters don’t talk in a way that is credible.  Judging by most of what I’ve seen on art sites, people apparently see this style and think that's good enough for professional work.  I'm sure he's a nice guy and everything, I just don't care for his cartoons.  There, that pretty much covers it.  So don’t expect me to waste any time doing a review of Fairly Oddparents or T.U.F.F. freakin' Puppy.  I guess the only reason I’m reviewing this show, aside from its nostalgic value, is that I can actually give a relatively accommodating review of it.  As I mentioned before, its animation is surprisingly good.

        The show revolves around an easy-going shark named Pfish (Robert Picardo) and an aggressive Lynx named Chip (Butch Hartman) who work in a bomb squad whose method of diffusing bombs consists of this recurring “joke:”

1.       Chip asks Pfish to hand him a [insert random object]

2.       Pfish hands it to him

3.       Repeat

They frequently fail to prevent bombs from detonating and are constantly chewed out by their Chief ( voiced annoyingly by Jeff Bennett).  I must say that the show has a very promising premise: one person is a laid-back Type-B personality, another is a high-strung Type-A personality, and the two attempt to diffuse bombs together.  This premise may be great for character/situation-driven comedy and sometimes it’s taken advantage of, but most of the time it’s wasted on scattershot gag humor.  I normally don’t like this type of comedy, since I find it lazy and I prefer humor that comes from the characters and the stories.  Otherwise there’s nothing to bring the show together as something that’s good as a whole.  True, some of the gags in scattershot shows like Family Guy are funny, but a great many of them are not.  The trope is usually a crutch for people with little talent, but the “scattershot” term is very appropriate.  When you fire a machine gun blindly into a dark jungle in Nam, a couple of those bullets might hit Charlie, but that doesn’t make you a good marksman.

    The show’s first episode, “Short Pfuse,” pits our heroes up against an antagonist known as the “Mad Bomber,” a shadowy, featureless figure whose dialogue consists exclusively of maniacal laughter.  He is an incredibly bland villain.  His mysterious appearance might work if there was some pretense of suspense, but this is a zany gag cartoon.  His lack of language insures that he will not have any witty or memorable lines.  His only gimmick is that he has gag bombs.  In other words, there is nothing intrinsically special about this character.  As for those gag bombs, it’s an extremely lazy comic tool.  In one scene the two are overwhelmed by bombs that do random things to them.  It’s a silly fill-in-the-blank joke format that anyone can do in two seconds, even after a few Bourbons.

Flutterbourbon actually looks pretty awesome.

Aaand...then this happens.  I'm not sure why.  I think it might actually be some sort of attempt at humor, I'm not sure.

     The second (and last) episode of the series features the two facing off against a clown who blows stuff up. 

Nooo, that clown's actually funny.   

Granted, the gags in this episode are far more varied and random than in the previous episode.  Blammo the Clown doesn’t limit himself to bombs and he torments the protagonists with completely random gags.  Like the Mad Bomber, he also doesn’t have any lines, although instead of laughing, he’s just mute.  I must point out that if you’re going to make a cartoon about people who defuse bombs and you want a good antagonist, you should probably put the effort into making one memorable recurring villain.  Obviously, when bad guys are limited to people who plant bombs, you’re not going to have a very diverse Rogues Gallery.        

     If there’s one thing that brings this show together, it’s Pfish.  I just love this character.  I like his personality, and I find it amusing how he never takes the situation seriously enough.  Most of the lines that actually are funny come from him, and he’s the only permanent part of the show that actually does seem to be inherently funny.  He’s very well voiced by the Doctor from Voyager, and it also helps that he’s absolutely adorable.

This was supposed to be gun, but 4kids wouldn't have it.

     Pfish and Chip only had a run of two episodes, so it might seem like I’m being a little harsh on it.  Still, I feel that had it been allowed to continue, and its rough edges had been smoothed out a bit, it had the potential to be a very enjoyable series.

FAVORITE QUOTES

CHIP: Number 3 Clamp!

PFISH: Hmm-hmm hmhm hmhmmm, doo-dah, doo-dah…

CHIP: Do you feel "Camptown Races" is an appropriate song for this situation?

PFISH: Would you prefer something peppier?

CHIP: I prefer SILENCE!!!!

[Pfish and Chip after getting a chewing-out from the Chief]

PFISH: Well, you were very rude in there.

CHIEF: I’m taking Mommy to the circus, but Teddy’s staying here!  So nothing better happen to him.  Comprende?

PFISH: Oh!  Habla Espanol?  [continues to talk in Spanish]

CHIEF: I don’t care if you have a hog in your shorts!  Put up these wanted posters and GET OUT!

[they leave the Chief’s office]

CHIP: “Hog in your shorts…”

PFISH: What if I had one, you don’t know.

[Pfish has just returned from New Mexico]

PFISH: Chip!  I got you a cactus!