Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead
1995
D: Gary Fleder
**********
Pros: Great Cast, A Couple Funny Lines
Cons: Contrived Attempts at Humor, Edginess
Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead is a sort of time capsule. It’s clearly a wannabe Pulp Fiction, and it has largely been forgotten. Perhaps I am abusing my status as an amateur reviewer by digging it up from its well-deserved oblivion, but I’m willing to take responsibility for the consequences of my decision.
The movie begins with Bernard’s (Michael Nicolosi) unsuccessful attempt to kidnap a small child from a playground with plans to rape her. His father, a quadriplegic crime boss known as The Man with the Plan (Christopher Walken) is in denial over his son’s being a pedophile and rationalizes that he is merely depressed after his girlfriend (Sarah Trigger) has left him. Therefore he summons a group of wise guys to intimidate her new boyfriend Bruce (Josh Charles) into breaking up with her. The group is led by Jimmy the Saint (Andy Garcia, once again typecast in his recurring role as Actor in Need of New Agent; he’s quite good in it to be honest, though), a mobster trying to break good. His current attempt at going legal is a service in which terminally ill people videotape themselves for their infant children. This is ironic considering that this business, a thing directly out of one of Lindsay’s schemes from Arrested Development, and is so pointless even Homer knows better than to waste money on it, makes more sense as a money laundering scheme.
The people on Jimmy’s team, like almost everyone else in the movie, are given cute nicknames in the movie’s many weak attempts at cleverness. The group consists of Olden Polymeros (Christopher Lloyd), named “Pieces” because he has leprosy, Francis “Big Bear Franchise” Chiser (William Forsythe), Earl “Easy Wind” Denton (Bill Nunn), and axe-crazy “Critical Bill” Doolittle (Treat Williams), who puts people in critical condition because he's crazy. Other people with nicknames include Baby Sinister (Glenn Plummer) and Rooster (Don Cheadle). “Jimmy the Saint” sounds like a generic mob name, but it’s actually a reference to a Bruce Springsteen song, which actually makes things even more cringe.
During this action, Critical Bill, being crazy, loses his temper and murders Bruce, causing Meg to flee in fear (Bill himself eventually calls Jimmy out on the stupidity of hiring him in the first place). Pieces, despite being depicted as one of the sensible characters, impulsively turns and shoots at the commotion behind him, killing her. Enraged, TMWTP orders a hit on the entire team. He hires one man army Mr. Shhh (a hilariously miscast Steve Buscemi) to hunt them all down. I’ve noticed that there’s a direct correlation between a movie’s quality and the realization that Steve Buscemi is not creepy or intimidating. He’s ugly cute, if anything. Then again, he is a firefighter in real life, so he is a bit of a badass anyway. As Mr. Shhh kills the team, Jimmy defiantly kills Bernard and submits to his fate, but not before recording a message for unborn child from his love interest Lucinda (Fairuza Balk).
In addition to the mob-based premise, this movie solidifies itself as trend-chaser with its forced edginess and myriad of crude gimmicks, only lacking Tarantino’s skill and wit. A big deal is made of characters’ being shot up the posterior, Easy Wind denounces Critical Bill and a “brown boy” (i.e. a coprophage), and “itty bitty titty” is used in reference to potential victims of pedophilia. There are many attempts to present and then define slang, and it’s surprising some of the terms are real. There are only a handful of actually funny lines. Not sure why Easy Wind would be so offended by Bill’s habit as to hate him, disgusting as it is, though.
Things to Do in Denver when You’re Dead is a long-forgotten movie, and deservedly so. Just a fair warning in case you think it might be a hidden gem.
QUOTES
THE MAN WITH THE PLAN: She can’t nurse worth shit, but I keep her on because, even though I don’t feel it, I know I get erections in her presence.
BABY SINISTER: The fact of the matter is, by the year 2000 every city will be black. Thanks to the fax, modem, conference call, Federal F—king Express, the Beast will be able to conduct his business from his home in the white suburbs leaving the city a great wide warzone full of nuclear brothers.
ROOSTER: That’s what I’m saying man, the fax, modem, FTD…
BABY SINISTER: What the f—k you talking about, FTD?
ROOSTER: You got to have flowers in the war zone, baby.
BABY SINISTER: What do you think, huh, you think we just give him up, like I was your house n-----?
ROOSTER: Yeah, does he look like your house n-----, punk?
BABY SINISTER: Will you shut the f--- up for eleven seconds?
THE MAN WITH THE PLAN: Beg me, or I let you suck my dead dick in return for you life. Beg!
JIMMY THE SAINT: No!
LT. ATWATER: Beg, asshole!
THE MAN WITH THE PLAN: Take out my dick. Atwater. Take it out! Take it out!
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