Disappointing Finale

The Dark Knight Rises

2012

D: Christopher Nolan

**********

Pros: Cinematography, Some Memorable Moments, Bane

Cons: Silly Story, Fight Choreography

 

       It’s another 10-year anniversary, and this time I’m reviewing another movie I have not watched all the way through in that timeframe.  It’s not the most professional thing to do, but I’m a busy dragon.  When the Dark Knight Rises came out, it was considered a massive disappointment for many Batman fans.  Those of us raised on BATS had a pretty good idea of how franchise canon was supposed to be, and the first two Nolan movies did a good job staying true to that while being distinctive adaptatations.  Rises, on the other hand, ignored much of the franchise themes and turned Batman into an epic trilogy.  In recent years I’ve become less exacting about such things, but this movie pushes that.  I don’t think Batman would be the one to retire young after faking his death.  It also doesn’t help that the movie simply wasn’t that good, either.

       Not only does it disappoint based on franchise standards, it also fell somewhat short in its own continuity.  The teaser made this movie look far more serious and suspenseful than it ended up being; with a pathetically hospitalized Gordon’s (Gary Oldman) begging Batman (Christian Bale) to help after what seemed like a brutal beating from Bane (he got better rather quickly).  The end of Dark Knight also suggested an awesome one-man war between Batman and the police, only for Rises to reveal that Bruce Wayne had been pouting for nine years with a worn-out knee in spite of that inactivity.  Unfortunately, he also bankrupted Wayne Enterprises because he forgot to stop diverting money from it to fund his now nonexistent crusade. 

        Providing aid to him during this trying time is Wayne Enterprises CEO Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard), who romances and has sex with Bruce.  She turns out to be Talia Al-Ghul, and she’s been manipulating him as part of her plot to carry out her father’s plans to destroy Gotham, a goal which is completely pointless since the GPD have effectively solved the city’s problems by now.  For all his talent, Nolan, among others, seems to be under this strange impression that Cotillard is good for playing sultry femme fatales.  She’s far too cute for that role, and it’s very awkward to see her in it.  She also has a remarkably laughable death scene in this film.  

        Carrying out her plans is Bane (Tom Hardy).  For anyone familiar with this mastermind from the comics, it was very disappointing for the movie’s twist to be that he was merely a competent executor of the actual mastermind’s evil plan.  Many were also put off by the whitewashing.  Still, Bane seems to have stood the test of time as memorable character.  A lot of this was due to Tom Hardy’s creative contributions, such as the voice, the mannerisms, and the eccentric love for knitting.  While he’s believable in the role, Hardy’s performance isn’t too impressive from an acting perspective.  Bane also boasts a cool character design courtesy of designer Lindy Hemming.  In keeping with the series’ more mundane setting, the Venom has been replaced by anesthetic gas meant to keep Bane’s constant pain in check.  It would have made more sense, while being more in keeping with the original design, for his mask to feature a pipe, though.  Bane’s backstory features a strange role reversal in the Al-Ghuls’ attitude toward him.  Ra’s Al-Ghul (Liam Neeson) rejected Bane because he reminded him too much of his dead wife (more so than his own daughter) for some nonsense reason.  Despite the movie’s departures from Batman canon, its biggest objective flaw was the obligatory shoehorning of an iconic moment from the comics into an incompatible plot.  Bane does break Batman’s back, but Batman recovers strangely fast from it, and without proper medical care no less.  

         Other cast members include a competent version of Catwoman (Anne Hathaway), and a young cop named John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).  Blake seems like a rather disposable character, but there’s a twist at the end which suggests that he finds the Batcave and becomes the new Batman.  In a remarkable failure of fanservice, his real name is revealed to be “Robin.”  Ben Mendelsohn is entertaining as John Daggett, a corrupt businessman who is an unwitting pawn in the evil plan.  Michael Caine is good as Alfred, and his poignant confession that he failed to protect Bruce by allowing him to become Batman is one of the better parts of the movie.  A surprisingly effective arc comes from top cop Peter Foley (Matthew Modine), who starts out the movie as somewhat pusillanimous, only to die selflessly in the final confrontation.  Other cast members include Cillian Murphy as Scarecrow and Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox. 

         Despite the movie’s flaws, it’s a very well-paced and engaging story with high stakes.  The villains free prisoners and exploit class discontent to create the illusion of far-left revolution, when in reality they intend to nuke the city.  A solid “fascist” theme that was timely considering the Occupy Wall Street movement.  There’s also a surprisingly realistic message in which Batman cannot escape a prison’s pit unless he removes a safety harness.  Despite many lofty ideas of heroism, ultimately the strongest instinct is self-preservation.  Bruce realizes he will always fail the test if he knows he can do it again.  In order to save Gotham, he removes that possibility.

        The movie’s visuals are wonderful.  Nolan’s faithful cinematographer Wally Pfister provides a distinctive look, and the director’s insistence on practical effects sets the movie apart from other superhero movies.  The one moment of terrible CGI was this scene which is literally as goofy as anything that happened in Batman & Robin.  I was hoping that the effect was simply unfinished when I saw the trailer but apparently they actually went with that in the movie.

       Another visual problem with the movie was its terrible fight choreography.  Nolan was always great at things like car chases, but he would usually resort to shakycam when fists started flying.  When he began to forsake that crutch it unfortunately revealed his weaknesses. This, however, turned out to be a step in the right direction, as he had definitely learned to fix this problem by Tenet.  It’s really nice to see a great director acknowledge his shortcomings and improve upon them, and it goes to show that even the masters have something to learn.

       The score is very good, with Hans Zimmer's returning to a more epic, melodic approach after the Dark Knight.   

       Dark Knight Rises isn’t great, but it was still watchable.  It helps that there are plenty of memorable lines in it, which is more than I can say for the more blandly competent Batman (2022).  Even Christopher Nolan’s bad movies are still enjoyable.     

 

Not Great, Not Terrible

Batman & Robin

1997

D: Joel Schumacher

**********

Pros: Visual Style, Some Funny Moments, Arnold

Cons: Lack of a Plot, Not That Funny, Robin, George Clooney, Some Bad CGI

 

 

      I usually do the anniversary of a movie’s initial release, but I suppose wide release will be sufficient for this one.  I’ve gotten so fatigued by gritty Batman, that I decided to give this movie a second chance.  (You know something’s wrong when the guy with the goth dragon edglord fursona has had enough of dark and gritty superhero movies.)

      I’ll just have to say that I love the look of this movie.  It’s just so over-the-top and creative.  It’s like a cartoon stage production on crack, and I must give credit to production designer Barbara Ling, art directors Richard Holland and Geoff Hubbard, set decorator Doree Cooper, and costume designers Ingrid Ferrin and Robert Turturice for the best part of the movie.  I would have loved to see it in a better film, though.  The visual zaniness could have been enhanced by better humor, though.  The jokes consist of lame dad puns, and the movie lacks the creativity of the 60’s Adam West series in that respect.  There are a few funny moments and gags, though, and Arnold’s delivery makes some of the lamer jokes cross the line twice.  In contrast to Jim Carrey’s intermittently grating nature, Arnold’s natural campiness suits the movie perfectly, and his scenes are the most consistently entertaining. 

       If not humor, I would have also expected a better plot.  Batman Forever, despite its questionable villains, was ultimately a good movie for combining Schumacher’s style with effective arcs involving Batman’s accepting his identity and Robin’s struggling to come to terms with his desire for revenge, making him an excellent foil for a hero with the hindsight to know better.  In contrast, Batman has little to do and Robin is reduced to an annoyingly entitled brat who just wants as much attention as Batman.  He does have some likability in the moments in which he guides Barbara Wilson/Batgirl (Alicia Silvestone).  One wonders why they could not have made her Gordon’s (Pat Hingle) daughter; it might have given him an actual substantial role in this series.  Forever even has plenty of genuinely witty dialogue that could have enhanced this movie's style. 

       With little but style and humor to go by, this movie is at least forty minutes too long.  That’s what ulitimately kills it.  Without a seriously engaging plot, you should not go over 90 minutes at most.  The problem may be due to the lack of Tim Burton’s involvement; he was not credited as a producer as he was in Batman Forever, and the lack of the previous movie’s full writing team.

      Most of the cast is solid in this movie, but George Clooney is sadly out-of-place.  I’ve pointed this out before, but Clooney is most suited for deconstructed heroism; goofballs who aren’t nearly as cool as they think they are.  Even the campy Batman is an earnest badass in his own right.  Uma Thurman is very fitting as Poison Ivy, and she does well as both a sultry femme fatale and a nerdy scientist.  I’d also be tempted to add a whole star to the movie just for this one scene in which Bruce Wayne stands up for anthropocentrism in the face of her radical environmentalism.

       Batman & Robin is not particularly good, but it is stylish and it’s more interesting than the banality of many modern superhero movies.  It’s funny how we cornered Schumacher into apologizing for this off-beat romp while people like Rian Johnson now smugly gaslight anyone who questions their failures.  

 

 

 

QUOTES

 

MR. FREEZE: What killed the dinosaurs?  THE ICE AGE!

 

DR. PAMELA ISLEY: I have here a proposal showing how Wayne Enterprises can immediately cease all actions that toxify our environment.  Forget the stars look here at the Earth, our mother, our womb, she deserves your loyalty and protection.  And yet, you spoil her lands, poison her oceans, blacken her skies. You’re killing her!

BRUCE WAYNE: Well, your intentions are noble, but no diesel fuel for heat, no coolants to preserve food, millions of people will die of cold and hunger alone.

DR. PAMELA ISLEY: Acceptable losses in the battle to save the planet.

BRUCE WAYNE: People come first, Dr. Isley.

 

[Bane and Ivy rescue Freeze while delivering his costume]

MR. FREEZE:  A laundry service that delivers.  Wow!

POISON IVY: What are you, a fifty big and tall?

MR. FREEZE: No, I always go one size smaller.  It makes me look slimmer.

 

BATMAN: And you are?

BATGIRL: Batgirl.

BATMAN: That’s not awfully PC.  What about Batperson or Batwoman?

BATGIRL: Bruce, it’s me, Barbara.  I found the Batcave.

ROBIN: We gotta get those locks changed.

BATMAN: She knows who we are.

ROBIN: I guess we’ll have to kill her.

BATMAN: Yep, we’ll kill her later, we have work to do.

2022 Movies Ranked

<< 2021    2023 >>

 

14. Everything Everywhere All At Once

D: Daniels

**********

Despite some interesting ideas, the movie chases the multiverse trend and fails miserably.  In a massive disappointment from A24 it manages to be everything that sucks about MCU movies (crap for story structure and lots of forced humor), only without the CGI glut.  The movie didn't know how to end and dragged on far too long.  Particularly frustrating are the jokes which are rubbed in long after they were made, as if the movie is saying, "SEE?  SEE? REMEMBER THIS JOKE WE MADE? WASN'T THAT FUNNY?!!!"  I get it movie, there's a dimension in which everyone has wieners for fingers and it looks off-puttingly phallic, YOU DON'T NEED TO REMIND ME FOR THE NINTH-MILLIONTH TIME.  The best part of the movie was Short Round, who served as the sensitive husband type.

13. Jurassic World: Dominion

D: Colin Trevorrow

**********

Not horrible, but not that great, either.  Particularly disappointed by the character derailment of Dodgson.  

12. The Batman

D: Matt Reeves

**********

Derivative, bland strawman version of a gritty comic book movie.  Elevated only by Greig Fraser’s awesome cinematography and some good action.  At least it wasn’t boring.

11. Babylon

D: Damien Chazelle

**********

10. The Bad Guys

D: Pierre Perifel

**********

Despite some stylish animation, and well-timed kinetic slapstick, it's a formulaic Dreamworks movie.  It's a shame because I love the theme of bad people trying to be good, and I've always found it annoying that all the cool animals I identified with were always the villains in cartoons.  At least the fox character is hot.

9. Smile

D: Parker Finn

**********

A decent horror movie with a great creature effect at the end.  Still too much like a lesser version of It Follows.

8. Suzume

D: Makoto Shinkai

**********

7. Father Stu

D: Rosalind Ross

**********

Very good movie about a Christian's struggles and redemption.  Has a good message about God's plans' not always aligning with our logic, in that a man called to priesthood is afflicted with a fatal disease.

6. The Northman

D: Robert Eggers

**********

A good movie, but a bit slow.

6. The Whale

D: Darren Aronofsky

**********

5. The Banshees of Inisherin

D: Marin McDonagh

**********

Good movie, but a bit overlong.  

4. Top Gun: Maverick

D: Joseph Kosinski

**********

A legacy sequel done right by people who take the project seriously.  Could have used "Mighty Wings," though. 

3. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish

D: Joel Crawford

**********

2. Elvis

D: Baz Luhrmann

**********

I usually never liked Luhrmann's movies, but it seems he finally found an editor who can work with his vision (Matt Villa).  A colorful engaging movie, with great performances.  And I usually don't like biopics. 

1. Nope

D: Jordan Peele

**********

A good, creative movie, but the twist that the UFO was just an animal trying to feed itself robbed the story of much of its conceptual horror.  

 

<< 2021    2023 >>

Best Batmobiles

Limited to theatrically-released movies.

 

 

10. FIRST LEGO VERSION

The LEGO Movie

Way too bulky, not a fan.

 

9. THE “CLASSIC”

Batman (1966)

Many nostalgic Boomers obnoxiously assert it was the last Batmobile with “class,” but it’s a lame design that only gets credit for its iconic status.  Not even a legit Batmobile design, just an uglified Lincoln Futura concept.

 

8. THE SECOND SCHUMACHER VERSION

Batman & Robin

This is a disappointedly lame design after so many good ones.  Derivative version of the classic Batmobile format without much setting it apart to look good.

7. THE SECOND LEGO VERSION

The LEGO Batman Movie

Much more svelte and aggressive than the previous model.  Looks like something out of Mad Max.

6. THE MUSCLE CAR

The Batman

A good example of an earlier Batmobile built from a stock car.  It’s also involved in an excellent chase scene and makes a frighteningly demonic screech.  The gorgeous cinematography helps a lot.  

 

 

 

5. THE ANIMATED VERSION

BTAS, Mask of the Phantasm

Like the Burton version with a little more class, but not quite as as aggressive looking.

 

4. DCEU VERSION

BvS, Justice League

Looks pretty awesome.  Sleek, but awkward from some angles.

3. THE BURTON VERSION

Batman, Batman Returns

The first true Batmobile on the big screen.  It’s a classic design, and it has a distinctly sinister face.  I think its the malicious-looking of all the Batmobiles and that edges it out over the Tumbler.  

 

2. THE TUMBLER

The Dark Knight Trilogy

The most unique, alien design of them all.  I love how they went into the logistics of why it is the way it is.

1. THE FIRST SCHUMACHER VERSION

Batman Forever

I know this is unpopular, but this is my favorite.  It takes the classic layout and makes it look as gothic as possible while having a nice face.  The wheel fenders and the headlights also give it a nice retro look.  It would be a perfect Batmobile for all occasions with its blue lighting and wheels blacked out, but it’s still perfect for its movie’s aesthetic as it is.  Destroying this car was one of the more annoying things Jim Carrey did in this movie, and that's saying something. 

Batmans Ranked

Limited to the theatrically-released movies.

One thing I’ve noticed is that the best Bruce Waynes are actively involved in Wayne Enterprises.

 

 

 

9. ROBERT PATTINSON

The Batman

I’d really hate to put him at the bottom, but his performance is that of a bland, emo strawman depiction of a gritty Batman.  Even gritty Batmans need to show some nuance.  It’s not that Pattinson is bad per se, it’s just how he was utilized.  I’d like to see more of a Tenet Robert Pattinson, but instead I got Twilight Robert Pattinson all over again.  Unlike many, I did not balk at his casting.  After all, we’ve had more controversial casting choices like Michael Keaton, Ben Affleck, and Heath Ledger work out okay.  I guess it’s the trailers that seem to be the most reliable indicator how good these casting choices will be.  I thought Ledger and Affleck looked good enough in the them, but the Batman trailers gave me a taste of what’s to come with Pattinson. 

 

8. GEORGE CLOONEY

Batman & Robin

I really wanted to put him at the bottom of this list, but I really had to do it.  Then again, what makes Pattinson even more disappointing is that, unlike Clooney, it was a waste of good casting.  George Clooney only works as a befuddled wannabe hero who’s not as savvy as he thinks he is, and even campy versions of Batman have to be badasses in their own right, based on the goofy rules of their universes.  The Coen Bros, for example are the few who realize this.  Still, Clooney can deliver a droll one-liner well, and his Bruce Wayne does have this moment.    

 

7. WILL ARNETT

The LEGO Movies

Arnett does a god job as a parody of Batman's raspy voice.  He was far funnier in the LEGO Movie as a supporting character as the hero's love interest's boyfriend.  No her boyfriend wasn't Bruce Wayne...it was Batman.  LEGO Batman, on the other hand, kinda sucked.  It was just a kid-friendly version of Robot Chicken.

6. CHRISTIAN BALE

The Dark Knight Trilogy

This is another example of someone whose casting wasn’t taken enough advantage of.  Considering American Psycho, one could understand why Christian Bale was cast as Bruce Wayne.  He’d be a great example of Batman-as-the-real-identity, a dark creature awkwardly pretending to be an eccentric rich fop.  In other words, a heroic version of Patrick Bateman.

Unfortunately, this angle seemed to be ignored in practice.  Bruce Wayne seems to be the perfectly natural persona, while that of Batman is comically forced.  We’ve all heard complaints about that voice, after all.  Perhaps it’s because Bale already has a deep voice.  He should have got the Kevin Conroy way with that.

 

5. BEN AFFLECK

DCEU

Like many others, I was pleasantly surprised by Ben Affleck’s Batman.  Affleck has come a long way as an actor and he now has the rugged good looks to pull off the role.  I also find it interesting that the movie shows that Batman can fall into violent corruption while still being able to find redemption afterward.  I guess we could ignore his apparently forcing himself on Harley in Suicide Squad. 

 

4. VAL KILMER

Batman Forever

Kilmer perfectly combines a credibly intimidating Batman persona with a somewhat light depiction of Bruce Wayne.  He does justice to the campy atmosphere of his movie, and is the closest thing we got to worthy Adam West successor.

3. ADAM WEST

Batman (1966)

Someone who owned the campiness with a distinctive, iconic performance.  

 

2. MICHAEL KEATON

Batman, Batman Returns

Burton described his Batman as someone who needed to wear a mask.  Indeed, Keaton manages to be intimidating enough as Batman while still maintaining a lovable quirkiness that sets his Bruce Wayne apart and makes him relatable.  He can still mope when he had to though.  Just proof that just because someone has demons, he doesn’t need to be wooden.  Keaton’s performance makes the best case for Bruce-Wayne-as-the-real-identity.

 

1. KEVIN CONROY

Batman: The Animated Series, Mask of the Phantasm

Conroy’s voice is perfect.  I like how he has a disarming voice as Wayne, but his Batman voice is unparalleled…and the latter is clearly his normal speaking voice. 

2022 Oscars

This year's nominations definitely got some buzz going due to its snubs.

PICTURE

NOMINEES: Belfast, Don’t Look Up, Dune, Licorice Pizza, The Power of the Dog, Coda, Drive My Car, King Richard, Nightmare Alley, West Side Story

I was actually pleasantly surprised to find Nightmare Alley on here; that was the best movie I’ve seen from the year.  I’m also thoroughly disappointed by the inclusion of apparent cringefest Don’t Look Up, especially considering some of the snubs.  I can’t believe that got nominated instead of Macbeth, but then again the Oscars is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a taletold by an idiot, full of sound and fury,signifying nothing.  Dune is another movie I felt was overrated.  On the other hand, this category look like a wealth of pontentiall worth-looking-into movies, and that’s the only thing the Academy is really good for.

SNUBS: The Tragedy of Macbeth, In the Earth

 

ACTOR

NOMINEES: Andrew Garfield (tick, tick…BOOM!), Denzel Washington (The Tragedy of Macbeth), Will Smith (King Richard), Benedict Cumberbatch (The Power of the Dog), Javier Bardem (Being the Ricardos)

I haven’t seen King Richard, but I’m rooting for Will Smith.  I like him, and he’s ovedue.  

SNUBS: Bradley Cooper (Nightmare Alley), Dev Patel (Green Knight)

ACTRESS

NOMINEES: Jessica Chastain (They Eyes of Tammy Faye), Nicole Kidman (Being the Ricardos), Penelope Cruz (Parallel Mothers), Kristen Stewart (Spencer), Olivia Colman (The Lost Daughter)

Really disappointed by Frances McDormand’s snub; she was the real start of Macbeth.  I like Nicole Kidman, but Being the Ricardos is the only movie from this category I’ve watched, so I know that she deserved it less.

SNUBS: Frances McDormand (The Tragedy of Macbeth), 

 

DIRECTOR

NOMINEES: Jane Campion (The Power of the Dog), Paul Thomas Anderson (Licorice Pizza), Kenneth Branagh (Belfast), Ryusuke Hamaguchi (Drive My Car), Steven Spielberg (West Side Story)

Green Knight would have been a classic if not for its modernist decontructions, but it as a travesty that it was not nominated for this award or for any of the visual categories.  

SNUBS: David Lowery (Green Knight), Guillermo del Toro (Nightmare Alley), Ben Wheatley (In the Earth)

 

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

NOMINEES: Sian Heder (Coda), Ryusuke Humaguchi/Takamasa Oe (Drive My Car), Jon Spaihts/Denis Villeneuve/Eric Roth (Dune), Maggie Gyllenhaal (The Lost Daughter), Jane Campion (The Power of the Dog)

Not much to say other than I’d be really grumpy if Dune won this for stripping the story of everything that made it interesting. 

 

CINEMATOGRAPHY 

NOMINEES: Greig Fraser (Dune), Dan Laustsen (Nightmare Alley), Ari Wegner (The Power of the Dog), Bruno Delbonnel (The Tragedy of Macbeth), Janusz Kaminski (West Side Story)

Greig Fraser probably deserves this for tricking everybody into thinking that Dune had good production/costume design.  Still, part of me want to see him lose in order to increase the chances of his winning for his apparently brilliant work in The Batman.  The one I’m rooting for is Macbeth.

SNUBS: Andrew Droz Palermo (Green Knight), Linus Sandgren (No Time to Die), Chung-hoon Chung (Last Night in Soho), Florian Hoffmeister (Antlers) 

 

EDITING

NOMINEES: Hank Corwin (Don’t Look Up), Joe Walker (Dune), Pamela Martin (King Richard), Peter Sciberras (The Power of the Dog), Myron Kerstein/Andrew Weisbum (tick, tick…BOOM!)

Hank Corwin’s editing in Don’t Look Up and The Big Short is beyond atrocious.  It’s like the CalArts style of film editing: basically put obviously garbage in peoples’ faces and brazenly act like it’s a good thing.  Dune’s editing is the opposite extreme; the movie was incredibly slow and plodding, and I usually like slow burns.

 

PRODUCTION DESIGN

NOMINEES: Patrice Vermette/Zsuzsanna Sipos (Dune), Tamara Deverell/Shane Vieau (Nightmare Alley), Grant Major/Amber Richards (The Power of the Dog), Stefan Dechant/Nancy Haigh (The Tragedy of Macbeth), Adam Stockhausen/Rena DeAngelo (West Side Story)

Despite having its moments, I found Dune’s design to be uninspired.  I’m rooting for Macbeth for its intriguing half-cinema-half-stage design.  Nightmare Alley is also a worthy choice.

SNUBS: Jade Healy (Green Knight)

 

COSTUME DESIGN

NOMINEES: Jenny Beavan (Cruella), Jacqueline West, Bob Morgan (Dune), Massimo Cantini Parrini/Jacqueline Durran (Cyrano), Luis Sequeira (Nightmare Alley), Paul Tazewell (West Side Story)

Once again, not terribly happy with Dune on here.

SNUBS: Malgosia Turzanska (Green Knight)

 

BEST SCORE

NOMINEES: Nicholas Britell (Don’t Look Up), Hans Zimmer (Dune), Germaine Franco (Encanto), Alberto Iglesias [NSFW image] (Parallel Mothers), Johnny Greenwood (The Power of the Dog)

Looks like it’s an apples and oranges between Hans Zimmer’s atmospheric and bapipe-blessed Dune and the admittedly off-beat and worthy score of Don’t Look Up.

SNUBS: Javier Navarrete (Antlers), Steven Price (Last Night in Soho), Daniel Hart (Green Knight), Clint Mansell (In the Earth), Nathan Johnson (Nightmare Alley)

 

BEST SONG

NOMINEES: “Down to Joy” (Van Morrison, Belfast), “Dos Oruguitas” (Lin-Manuel Miranda, Encanto), “Somehow You Do” (Diane Warren, Four Good Days), “Be Alive” (Beyance/Dixson, King Richard), “No Time to Die” (Billie Eilish)

One of the few positive trends in the Oscars that suggests that they can learn lessons is that they’re finally awarding Bond songs.  "No Time to Die" is what I'm rooting for, but “Somehow You Do” is good, too. I'd be upset if "Down to Joy" or "Be Alive" won.

SNUBS: “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” (Lin-Manuel Miranda, Encanto)

 

ANIMATED FILM

NOMINEES: Encanto, Flee, Luca, Raya and the Last Dragon, The Mitchells vs the Machines

Surprised that Belle was not nominated, but I do think it’s ending was a bit of a copout.  I’ve heard Encantois good, but not so much Raya.  

 

HONORARY AWARDS

Elaine May, Live Ullmann, Samuel L. Jackson

Ah yes, the “Sorry, Our Bad” Awards, and Samuel L. Jackson is definitely overdue for this.  

 

Don't Buy This Car (10th Anniversary of First Blog Post)

2003 Mercury Sable LS Premium 

Silver

Nickname: Winifred 

90,000mi

MPG: 17 everyday, 22 on trips (Regular gas)

Pros: Styling, Reliability Besides Transmission

Cons: Transmission, A/C Flaw (worked around), Some Ergonomic Complaints, Disappointing Gas Mileage

 

        This marks the 10^th anniversary of my first blog post, in which I showed off my 2001 Buick LeSabre.  Unfortunately, I’ve had rather bad luck with machines.  While I’ve heard some bad things about Windows 10, I’ve never heard of anyone’s having two W10 computers brick themselves after 9 months apiece (and even when they were working they always ran like they had at least 10 years’ worth of junk data on them).  Also, my Ruger KP90, reputed to be one of the most reliable pistols one could possibly own, is a piece of junk that has never worked right.So it almost follows that my LeSabre, despite the model’s famous refusal to die, caught fire after eight years to good service.

         Unfortunately, my replacement was not a particularly wise purchase, even if I’m out of the woods on most of its problems.

          My primary pieces of advice for anyone looking into these cars.

1. If the car does not already have a fresh transmission (preferably a re-engineered one like a Jasper), know you'll need to have an extra $4,000 handy to replace it. They generally die at around 65,000 miles.

2. Before you buy the Duratec, make sure you try out the Vulcan to see if it's powerful enough for you, unless you want a mid-size sedan with the gas mileage of an SUV.

3. If you're having trouble with the A/C not blowing cold, try using the Floor/AC combination button.

 

 

STYLING

 

     I seem to be contrarian when it comes to car styling, and honestly that’s what attracted me to the car.  There are so many cars that everybody says are boring/ugly that I find beautiful, and the 4^th Gen Sable is one of them. Like the 3^rd Gen, it’s better looking than the Taurus in a way that made it seem like that’s what the latter should have looked like, especially considering how superfluous a brand Mercury was by then.  The 2000 model adapted the platform to appear more traditional, and it was surprisingly effective. The changes mostly consisted of a traditional grill and a fuller rear end with some nicely designed taillights.  It pulls off the aesthetic well while being very sleek.  One detail I love is the distinctive, perfectly-shaped C-Pillar and how it blends in with the body.  I also like the svelte, concave surface of the side panels.  One common problem attempted malaise-era nostalgia is the assumption that such cars looked good because they were boxy, but the Greatest Generation knew better.  They looked good because they were long, low, wide, and they had a healthy amount of adornment.  

       Despite how effective the design was, they didn’t fully commit with the embellishment.  The 4^th Gen Sables lack sufficient chrome trim and they came with bland wheels.  As a result, they  slightly awkward-looking the same way as a wreckovated Catholic Church.  It took some searching and some money, but I finally managed to bring out the car’s natural beauty.  First I had to replace the wheels with black steel rims that would accept some nice hubcaps, and then I got some Coker whitewalls (the only whitewalls I could find in that size), which were a bit rare/expensive due to decreased demand from the T-Bird remake they were made for.  The tires are a bit larger than the factory ones, so they give the car a spryer stance.  It’s a huge improvement and it makes a world of difference.  I also got some aftermarket chrome trim for the windows and spray-painted the grill (it took me a while to get enough internet research to feel safe about that because for some stupid reason everyone wanted to black their grills out).  I considered some chrome wheel trim, but it looked good enough without it, and they seemed to be a hassle to install.  This might have been thanks to the silver paint job, which I at first was worried would not contrast enough with the chrome.  I have a car that looks better than 95% of what’s on the road but I do sometimes miss that LeSabre booty.  

 

INTERIOR

 

       The interior is a nice traditional one, similar in personality to that of the LeSabre, but it accentuates the cold light gray with some dark gray and some fake wood trim.   It has plain black plastic door handles, but that’s fine; brightwork is for the exterior.  Unlike the Buick, it has a console and a center-mounted shifter.  I like the driver-oriented cockpit feel as much as the next person, but it is nice to be able to slide across the bench seat to exit the passenger’s door in case I’m parked on the side of the road.  Bench seats and column shifters are now all but extinct, but the only practical advantage to the console shifter I’ve heard is a vague assertion that it’s “safer.”  The only reason I can think of for that is that you’d be less tempted to place a child in the front middle seat as a human sacrifice to the car crash gods.  Also bench seating is roomier.

      The instrument panel is well-designed and is nicely integrated into the dashboard. Easily legible gauges in a nice green light that was Ford’s signature at the time, much nicer than the white that car companies prefer now for some reason.  I prefer a single color for the instrumentation lighting, but the orange needles and yellowish odometer backlight give it a surprisingly warm look.  I miss the times when interior lighting was minimal and practical, and this car is an example of that.  

      Ergonomics are overall pretty good.  The steering wheel lacks audio controls, but the volume/power dial is very well placed so that’s not a problem.  I managed to find a good place to mount a Sandisk Clipjam which is connected to the tape deck via an adapter whose wire I’ve glued flush to the dash.  Interestingly enough, the car eschewed the Three Dials for ergonomically inferior buttons because it’s the upscale trim.

      The biggest ergonomic complaint I had was the moronically low placement of the rear-view mirror.  I’m 6’3,” and it was an intolerable blindspot.  Fortunately I had it removied and replaced with a higher mounted mirror that’s well-placed.  Another example of questionable design is that the high beams are activated by permanently pushing the turn signal stalk forward, necessitating a conscious decision to reach farther for the turn signal.  In an impressive feat of precision American engineering, the left driver’s side A/C vent is in just the right place for your left hand to block its ability to cool your face.  Storage is slight, but I’ve managed to find a place for all my stuff while having the interior look good.  

       In addition to a GPS mount I glued to the dashboard and an engine diagnostic display I’ve bought, I also added the option of mounting a green 7-segment digital speedometer that I can securely mount to the dashboard if I want the 80’s retro look.  It doesn’t even block any warning lights.  

 

 

PERFORMANCE

 

       Knowing better than to buy the Vulcan, I went with the Duratec DOHC.  The engine is powerful enough, but the new transmission is a bit rough.  It’s tolerable though.  Gas mileage is a bit disappointing for a car its size.  I’m generally lucky to break 20mpg daily driving in this thing, but fortunately I don’t drive very far to work.

        The performance is adequate but noticeably inferior to the Buick’s.  Despite the lack of any apparent confounding factors, the slightly heavier LeSabre got noticeably better gas mileage and smoother acceleration with a better ride.  I average 17 mpg in daily driving, and got 22 mpg on a road trip.  

RELIABILITY

 

       This is what ultimately made this a bad purchase at the time.  I tried to do my research, but apparently the Sable’s sales figures were not statically significant enough to provoke a rating on CarComplaints.  Had I thought to cross-reference it with the Taurus, I would have saved myself some trouble.  It turns out this thing (particularly the ’03 model) has a criminally bad transmission: one that generally gives out at about 65,000 miles, which was about the mileage this had when I bought it.  Even Nissan CVTs will probably give you six figures before they give up the ghost.  Funny thing was there was no indication when it happened.  No noise, no shudderr; the car just stopped accelerating when I pushed on the gas.  

       The repair was not cheap either.  I was told that if I wanted a real fix I would have to get a Jasper transmission, which ended up costing me $4,000 but comes with a 3-year, 100,000 mile warranty.  Otherwise I would just have another factory transmission put in that could break at any time.  It almost put me in the red.  I figure Winifred would be an appropriate nickname for a car that had to be brought back to life.

So yeah, don’t buy one of these cars unless it already has a Jasper or you have an extra $4,000.

       Another problem is that it took a while to get the AC figured out.  The cold air was practically nonexistent until I figured out how a small hack: you need to run the combination AC/Floor for it to blow cold.  The car was very unpleasant to drive during the summer in the middle of the day, but now it's good.  

      Strangely enough, it was three Cons that saved me with this car.  Shortly after I bought this car, I had reserved a room for FWA 2019, except the con got cancelled due to COVID.  The transmission blew out about the date; if that had happened during the road trip that would have really sucked.  Then I figured out the initial hack for the AC on the way from FFA 22, which ended up being the basis of the final hack that I stumbled upon during a weekend I had decided not to attend a con because Jim Cummings cancelled.

       Despite those two problems, the car has been remarkably problem-free, and I've never had to have it brought in for nearly as many stupid reasons I did with the Buick.  

 

 

CONCLUSION

 

       Despite this car’s initially being a headache, it should serve me well now that I’ve sorted out its serious problems.  Had I known then what I know now, I would not have made this choice, but after a lot of work I’ve got a good car that’s uniquely beautiful.  I even have a ‘sona based on it.