My Favorite Star Trek Ships

I’m starting to get more and more into Trek, and I love how the ship designs reflect the cultures that produced them.  My ranking is mostly based on design, but I do take into account practicality and balance (which is why don’t include such blatant Sue-Wagons as the Prometheus and the Scimitar).  A warning, though: I do include a couple from Discovery and the Reboots.  Also, my takes on the various manifestations of the Constitution class might ruffle some feathers.

34. STARFLEET CONSTITUTION CLASS

Star Trek TOS

As iconic as it is, I’ve never been a big fan of the Enterprise’s design.  I never particularly cared for the separate engineering section.  I still have to give it credit, though.  The price of practical space design is the lack of interesting style.

33. ROMULAN BIRD-OF-PREY

Star Trek TOS

The design is a bit dated, but it’s unique.  The ship itself introduced the cloaking device and was a riveting introduction to the Romulans.  The 22^nd Century version looks more in line with the developed Romulan aesthetic (and looks better as a result), but it’s a bit of a continuity problem.

32. CARDASSIAN GALOR CLASS

Star Trek TNG, DS9

Awkward-looking from most angles, but it gets points for being shaped like its government's emblem.

31. “KLINGON” BIRD-OF-PREY

Star Trek Discovery

Practically nothing about Discovery has anything to do with Star Trek, let alone where the Klingons are concerned, but the ship does look cool.

30. BORG TYPE 03

Star Trek TNG

Still an indirect product of the Borg, but it shows more individuality that is reflective of Lore’s Borg faction.

29. STARFLEET SOVEREIGN CLASS

TNG Movies

On one hand I love the sleek, spry look of this ship.  It’s one of the best shaped vehicles from Starfleet, and it reflects its role as a top-of-the-line battlecruiser.  But what spoils its appearance is the rough, ugly skin surface.  An interesting parallel to the Sovie is the contemporary Ford Taurus: actually a pretty shapely car that was covered in ugliness.   The color palette is a bit confused, as well.  It doesn’t help that it’s often rendered in hideously bad CGI.

28. STARFLEET DEFIANT CLASS

Star Trek DS9

Starfleet’s first admitted warship, it has an efficient, compact design.  I have mixed feelings about the appearance, though.  Especially its odd “nose” structure.  It also has a few reliability issues.

 27. STARFLEET GALAXY CLASS

Star Trek TNG

I never was that fond of it, but it really suits the work it stars in.  It’s a bit ungainly, but that suits its role as a ship of peace and exploration.  Its smooth surfaces and cool color palette give it a maternal look.  If I were Stefan Molyneux I would accuse the ship of seducing me on purpose with its kissable Navigational Deflector.  As much as it’s mocked for its luxurious nature, it makes sense as mobile military base during peacetime.   

26. STARFLEET EXCELSIOR CLASS

Star Trek III – TNG Era

From most angles it’s an attractive, robust-looking ship.  I also like how the inward curve dominates the ventral stern.  However, the ship looks awkward from the top, with its small, circular disk and its warp nacelles connected to its hull with flimsy, ungainly-looking pylons.  It must have been a good design to last so long, though.

25. STARFLEET CONSTITUTION CLASS (REFIT)

Star Trek Movies

The cool paint job, the blue navigational deflector, and the attractive warp nacelles do wonders for this ship’s appearance.  The swept-back pylons make a world of difference in how spry the ship looks, as demonstrated by the Discovery version of the pre-refit Enterprise.

24. STARFLEET OBERTH CLASS

Star Trek III, TNG Era

Not much of a combat vessel, but I love the unique layout of this research ship.

23. STARFLEET DANUBE CLASS RUNABOUT

Star Trek DS9

A practical light ship suited for operations from a space station, and I like its design.

 22. UNITED EARTH NX CLASS

Star Trek: Enterprise

Deserves a lot of credit for being the ship that helped humanity become competitive with its Warp-5 capability.  It also has a great, sleek shape I wish that Starfleet had stuck to.

21. KLINGON D5 CLASS

Star Trek: Enterprise

A great-looking ship.  Uniquely Klingon, well-desienged, but crude enough to plausible as an older predecessor to TOS era ships.

 20. STARFLEET DREADNOUGHT CLASS

Star Trek into Darkness

A dark, intimidating nemesis to the Enterprise.  

 19. “KLINGON” SARCOPHAGUS

Star Trek Discovery

Sinister ship adorned with caskets containing the bodies of fallen warriors, a custom which Klingons are well-known for.  An interesting idea, and the ship looks awesome.

18. STARFLEET INTREPID CLASS

Star Trek Voyager

One of the sleeker designs from Starfleet.  A medium sized ship with good speed and functionality.

17. GORN SHIP

Star Trek TOS (Remastered)

We only get a glimpse of it, but it’s a solid layout with a subtle Raygun Gothic quality.

 16. FERENGI D’KORA CLASS

Star Trek TNG

Always liked its unique shape, and the orange color scheme helped it appear alien.  Too bad it was never on DS9.

15. VULCAN WARP SLED

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

I like the practical nature of a warp add-on to a universal shuttle, and it looks cool.

14. ROMULAN D’DERIDEX CLASS

Star Trek TNG

A unique, intimidating design and the ultimate warship of its era.  I love the hollow shape, and the green glow of the nacelles compounds the sinister appearance.  Too bad it was replaced with the far blander Valdore class.

13. STARFLEET CONSTITUTION CLASS (ALTERNATE REALITY)

The Star Trek Reboots

I know this might sound like heresy, but I love this design.  Combining elements from the original and the refit in a form that is beautifully shaped and better integrated.  While the reboots did a great job with Federation ship design, it did not succeed at distinctly alien aesthetic, as evidenced by the infuriatingly generic “spikey alien ship” look of what pass for Romulan and Klingon vessels.

12. JEM’HADAR BATTLE CRUISER

Star Trek DS9

Not much to say other than I find this ship pretty.

11. TARELLIAN PLAGUE SHIP

Star Trek TNG

One of the most creative designs in the franchise.

10. BORG CUBE

Star Trek TNG

It perfectly embodies the Borg: industrial anti-aesthetic, decentralized systems, and geometric structure.  Huge and invincible, it’s a soulless terror. 

9. FEDERATION TYPE 7 SHUTTLE

Star Trek TNG

I think most of the shuttles look generic, but this smoothly-shaped class stands out and is my favorite application of Starfleet’s TNG aesthetic.

 8. BREEN WARSHIP

Star Trek DS9

A twisted, sinister design.

7.  V’GER

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Large, sinister, and rather gothic-looking, this ship is enhanced by great atmosphere and patient directing.

 6. TAMARIAN CRUISER

Star Trek TNG

Looks like a Star Destroyer, but too much like one.

 5. KLINGON NEGH’VAR CLASS

Star Trek TNG, DS9

Big, predatory, and martial.  It’s an imposing ship, unless you count its embarrassing performance against and aging Galaxy refit.  Then again, those supposedly weren’t real Negh’Vars.

4. KLINGON VOR’CHA CLASS

Star Trek TNG, DS9

A great evolution of the Klingon aesthetic.  A versatile heavy cruiser with an aggressive, predatory appearance that does justice to that of its predecessor.  Still there's a trade-off between the Klingons' Ain't-Broken-Don't-Fix-It mindset and the Federation's innovation.  Klingon ships always seem slightly edged out by whatever Starfleet's best ship is at the moment.

3. STARFLEET MIRANDA CLASS

Star Trek II – TNG Era

This has always been my favorite Federation design.  A sleek shape without any of the elements I generally disliked about the Starfleet ships.  Its efficient layout makes it plausible as ship that maintain usefulness for centuries with appropriate modifications.  Unfortunately it’s a victim of its own success,  centuries-old Mirandas’ getting humiliated when finally faced with state-of-the-art vessels from other superpowers.

2. KLINGON D7/K’T'INGA CLASS

Star Trek TOS, Movies

I’ve always loved this ship since I was a kid.  The swept-back wings, the manta-inspired rear hull, the neck…it was familiar yet alien.  Even the torpedo launcher gives the impression of a maw in a terrifying, eyeless face.  It was top-of-the-line at its time, and lasted centuries.  It might also say something about the the D7's quality that the Romulans thought they were worth giving away cloaking technology to the Klingons.

1. KLINGON BIRD-OF-PREY

Star Trek III – TNG Era

Unlike the Miranda, the KBOP adapted well to its long service life.  For all its style, it’s a practical, humble warship, trading power for speed and efficiency.  There seems to be some disagreement over its class names, which includes B’Rel, D12, and K’Vort (a larger version misused as a cruiser, presumably the result of a producer’s mistake).    

Saints or Sinners?

 

The Boondock Saints

1999

D: Troy Duffy

**********

Pros: Some Funny Dialogue, Death-to-the-Author Themes

Cons: Actual Themes, Tacky Overstylization, Musical Choices

            Among the movies I thought were masterpieces when I was younger, The Boondock Saints stands out.  Denied a wide release because of the Columbine Massacre (a fate which The Matrix seemed well-funded enough to avoid), it saw runaway success in the following years on video. There seemed to be a Horseshoe Effect of overrated movies when I started college with this one on the right side and Donnie Darko on the left.  Indeed, it seems strange that the protagonists’ acts of vigilantism are not just a fun fantasy, but something actually  seemingly endorsed by the creator himself.  Whereas Starship Troopers is the movie you think is cheesy until you realize it’s a satire, this movie is the opposite.

           The movie wastes no time introducing its two heroes as well as its attitude.  Twin brothers Connor and Murphy McManus (Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus) are attending a church, then approach the sanctuary to kneel briefly before leaving prematurely and approving of the priest's fiery sermon about the Bystander Effect vis-à-vis Kitty Genovese.  It may be telling that the actual Catholic church in the area refused to allow the movie to be filmed there.  They then go to their job at a meat-packing plant where one of the more manipulatively politically-incorrect jokes occurs.  They are introduced to a stereotypical “fat angry lesbian” (Dot-Marie Jones) who eventually takes exception to an innocent comment.  Instead of turning the other cheek, they choose to provoke her further until she pushes one and the other punches her.  The good thing about this movie is its moral clarity.

           That night they go to a bar and are threatened by Russian mobsters.  The Russians are beaten and humiliated in the ensuing fight but track the twins to their home, forcing them to kill them in self-defense.  Getting a taste for blood, they begin to hunt down mobsters, murderers, and rapists with the help of their funny friend Rocco (David Della Rocco), a mob packageboy.  The trio gets in multiple arguments, and their banter is funny.  That combined with the karma they dole out could make this movie a perfectly enjoyable power fantasy until the climax, when the offended mob boss Yakavetta (Carlo Rota) eventually captures them and kills Rocco.  From that point on, the movie starts taking itself far too seriously.  They team up with Il Duce (Billy Connolly), a feared hitman the mob hires in desperation to fight them, when they find out he’s their estranged father.  In the final scene they invade a courtroom and murder Yakavetta while sending a warning to anyone who might think to commit violent crimes in the future.  The movie momentarily teases a far more interesting premise of widespread Russian/Italian mob war as a police theory to what’s happening.

           The scene, if one were to acknowledge Duffy’s apparent endorsement of the Saints, is remarkably tone-deaf in its execution.  The low angle-shots, ominous music, and unhinged rants of the heroes invoke fear and discomfort in their actions.  In fact, if one were to take the movie at face value, it would seem like a subversive indictment of vigilantism.  At first its depicted as fun, then disturbing once the stakes are truly revealed as well as its corrupting influence.  Even the brothers’ prayer seems like a call for evangelization misinterpreted as a creepy endorsement of human sacrifice.  The pretentious street interview scene for the end credits further takes you out of the movie’s universe to the point where it can’t be interpreted as escapism.

          Attempting to track down the brothers is FBI Special Agent Paul Smecker (Willem Dafoe), a flamboyant and lovably snarky hero.  Unfortunately this amusing character is a classic example of an ignorant filmmaker’s idea of a great detective.  He has odd quirks, like listening to classical music while he’s investigating a crime scene, and he acts needlessly arrogant toward the local detectives.  He singles out a particularly oblivious one named Greenly (Bob Marley) while the other two (David Ferry and Brian Mahoney) passively enjoy it because less heat is on them, a classic bully dynamic.  At one point Greenly points out that it will be difficult to find thetwo brothers after their first self-defense kill while they coincidentally enter to turn themselves in, and we’re supposed to think this is an indictment of this intelligence.  Smecker’s forced superiority is conveyed to an absurd degree in one scene in which he needs to explain to a forensic scientist that ammonia can destroy DNA samples. 

          Smecker is also revealed to be a homosexual, albeit a relatively self-loathing one.  And while he’s depicted as a badass, he’s unraveled by the case.  That’s right, the expert FBI agent, who’s probably dealt with child predators and even listened to the Bittaker/Norris tape for training is getting freaked out that the case about bumping off wise guys is taking a bit longer to crack than expected.  He eventually breaks down and helps the brothers commit acts of vigilantism (partially influenced by a priest in a confessional who’s under obvious duress).  In the alternative interpretation of this movie, it makes him seem like a weakling who’s easily manipulated.  Even if one were to salvage the movie’s themes, the clumsy attempt at a not-all-gays depiction of a gay man is still homophobic.

           Troy Duffy’s status as a Tarantino-wannabe is reinforced by his tacky stylistic choices.  Ron Jeremy’s presence in the movie is probably just manufactured edge of some kind.  Climactic scenes are set to bland rock riffs, for example.  At one point he complains about his inability to obtain rights for a Led Zeppelin song and having to settle for something mediocre; apparently it never occurred to him to just not set the scene to a rock song.  Some forced examples of flare can be seen as well, such as Yakavetta’s blind, bathroom-cleaning former mob boss.  Even a decidedly contemptible hitman has to handle his silenced pistols like a video game character while killing an unsuspecting family.  TIl Duce as a superhuman assassin whose skills at combat overwhelms the three vigilantes and makes Smecker think he’s a whole squad of men.  His brilliant tactic was sidestepping in the open while shooting two pistols.  One of the cleverer flourishes is Smecker’s explanations of how the Saints executed each killing.  The build-up to the act usually cuts to the post hoc investigation.  When Smecker explains his theory the events are reenacted with his observing.  Unfortunately, it results in the most pretentiously melodramatic moment in the film, in which he internally overreacts to the fact that there was a firefight.

             The movie is rather flawed, even with an alternate interpretation.  Its saving grace is its humor, even if it is a bit mean-spirited at times (such as Rocco’s cruelly rubbing his accidental killing of his girlfriend’s cat in her face as he breaks up with her).  Its confused nature reflects the insecurity of the man who made it, as shown in the 2003 documentary Overnight.  That film also reveals the extreme pettiness of Harvey Weinstein, who made a point of sabotaging the movie’s release.  It’s an entertaining movie, though I’ve heard nothing good about the sequel.