"THIS IS WHAT MORMONS ACTUALLY BELIEVE"

Hazbin Hotel

2024-

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        After resisting the temptation, I’ve finally decided to watch Hazbin Hotel on Amazon Prime.  Despite my own trendy prejudgment, it’s actually a decent story once taken on its own terms.  There was every reason to doubt Viv considering her history, but my friend’s speculation that she would do a better job when forced to write a story in blocks seems like it might be true.  

        Most of the prejudgment of Hazbin has been based on two seemingly opposite premises.  The first camp speaks of the “Good Adult Cartoons” and how the show fails to meet the apparently sophomoric interpretation of what constitutes one.  The most prevalent of such criticisms is that the show somehow doesn’t do foul language “right” in some nebulous way.  It’s like pottymouthedness has its own Reformed Theology in which one is justified by “fuck” alone but if you’re in doubt it, it means you didn’t say “fuck”right.   

        If anything, Hazbin is a step in the right direction for adult western animation due to its aesthetic and earnestness.  Most evidently it rejects the unwritten rule that adult cartoons must be flat (as if caring about animation was childish!) with its expressive, ornate, toony style.  It also rejects the irony-poisoned flippancy most adult animation is crippled by.  The typical adult cartoon would find it incomprehensible to have a well-executed scene in which a prostitute is abused and threatened by his pimp played straight; it would come up with some flimsy pretext to somehow pass off this abuse as a joke in and of itself. 

        More valid and vital than this faux sophistication are the earnest moral and theological complaints about the from conservative side of the aisle.  This is understandable as the premise is about people in hell as sympathetic protagonists being oppressed by the Heavenly elite, as well as the history of its creator.  Moreover, Helluva Boss has shown itself very questionable in its themes recently, sacrificing continuity in name of subversive morality.  One would expect Hazbin to share its fate as being an unwitting indictment of the creators’ libertine values by honestly depicting their consequences.  In a pleasant surprise, however, it apparently promotes self-improvement and morals in a surprisingly conventional way.

         The primary reason for this is that the subverted theology isn’t really that.  It may seem like a romanticization of Satan’s rebellion against the constraints of religion, but Lucifer (Jeremy Jordan) is depicted as deeply regretful of the destruction he wrought with the Fall, choosing to sulk passively.  The Intro cloyingly describes Lilith as having inspired the denizens of hell to live freely with sin, but we immediately see that the place is an exploitative slum in which the strong oppress the weak.  Heaven is made up of a mix of malicious oppressors and the naively privileged.  In other words, Hazbin Hotel is only about Abrahamic religion in the same way that Harry Potter is about sorcery or Hercules (1997) is about Greek mythology; it’s just uses it as a setting to tell a story (think of the so-called "Jesus Fandom").  It’s not so much anti-Christian as it is disinterestedly post-Christian.  I’ve heard the term “sub-blasphemous” to describe it.  From a Christian point of view, this is obviously a problem, that Christianity rendered irrelevant to the point of pop cultural fodder.  Then again, when taken on its own terms, the show is actually decent story with good themes.

         The impetus for the story involves the Extermination, in which angels called Exorcists invade Hell and slaughter a number of sinners, ostensibly to keep the population down.  Horrified by this, Lucifer and Lilith’s daughter Charlotte "Charlie" Morningstar (Erika Henningsen) founds a rehabilitation center called the Hazbin Hotel, in which lost souls can be redeemed in order to go to Heaven so they would not have to be killed during the purge.

            Charlie finds a patron in the form of Alastor (Amir Talai), an Overlord of Hell (a meritocracy of relatively powerful sinners).  Unlike in the pilot, in which he is a faux-affably evil egotist who only seems to “help” Charlie out of his own amusement, Alastor is a compellingly ambiguous character.  Despite his reputation, he seems to actually like Charlie.  His antagonistic behavior toward Lucifer could be interpreted as a call-out for the latter’s neglect; Lucifer has allowed his daughter to be a proxy for Hell’s contempt for his weakness as a leader.  Unlike Lucifer, Alastor has been supportive of Charlie’s efforts and has acted more as a mentor than he has.  He also privately expresses his affection for the her patients to his servant Niffty (Kimiko Glenn).  On the other hand, he talked Charlie into a deal that could(?) be put her in thrall to him due to clever wordplay, and his engineering of an alliance between her and Overlord Rosie (Leslie Rodriguez Kritzer) may be questionable.  In the finale, he is broken by his losing to Season's prime antagonist in the battle while Lucifer, who has finally come through for his daughter and defeats the said villain.  Unable to cope with his failure to replace Lucifer as a father figure, he accepts his status as a schemer with a secret agenda before returning to the hotel as an apparent friend.

           Among the Overlords is a splinter group of secondary antagonists known as the Vees.  Valentino (Joel Perez), Angel’s pimp, is a pornographer and arguably the most purely evil character in the series. Vox (Christian Borle), is a news/entertainment media mogul, and Velvette (Lilli Cooper) is a fashion mogul.  Their power grab is motivated by finding the corpse of a slain Exorcist, and attempting to use the revelation for leverage, which is particularly tense for Hell’s top arms dealer Carmilla Carbine (Daphne Rubin-Vega).  Meanwhile, Alastor’s return the limelight has angered Vox.  I’m not sure what Viv thought she was doing by depicting talk radio hosts and arms dealers as ambiguously sympathetic while casting the media and pornographers as villains.

         Perhaps Vox will attempt to found Air Hell as a doomed attempt to muscle in on Alastor’s territory.

          As for the show’s reducing Biblical stories to story fodder, Hazbin does end up turning Lucifer into a genuinely compelling character by not depicting him as the wholesome symbol of freedom that is typical of most modernist subversions.  In fact, he deeply regrets the mistake he made with the Fall, and has spent most of his time sulking, allowing his wife Lilith to take a more active role in defining Hell’s society.  He overcomes his self-doubt and cynicism by saving Charlie from the Exterminators and supporting her in her quest to redeem souls to heaven.

         Lilith turns out to be a well-executed mysterious character.  She inspired Hell with her free-living personality, but the evidence shows that Hell is an exploitative ghetto.  Since then she has been MIA.  In an intriguing reveal, the season finale displays her kicking back in heaven with the implication that she bribed the Extermination into existence.  It’s also suggested in a short flashback that she also engineered Charlie’s distant relationship with Lucifer.  It seems that the idealized description of her by Charlie was a lie told to her as a child.  It’s too bad that this moment from the Pilot is non-canon because of how well it fits with the new narrative.      

          One of the more compelling characters is Angel Dust (Blake Roman), an effeminate, sex-addicted porn star who has joined the Hotel in an attempt to turn over a new leaf.  Unfortunately, Angel is still in demonic thrall to Valentino, and the episode that focuses on this drama is the most well-executed and poignant in the series.  After some harsh truth-telling from his friend Husk (Keith David), he vows to live a cleaner life off the clock and he even puts some effort into protecting a more naive character from falling into his own vices.  My first instinct to praise montage of his sexual abuse (I initially dismissed the song number as a poor man's version of his pre-Amazon theme, but it turns out to fit well in the episode) as well-executed without being too titillating, but apparently Viv and one or two collaborators apparently have a bit of a rape fetish history, and I'm an idiot.  It's also cheapened by a character's sexual assault's being played for laughs in the very next episode.  It's strange that people with a really screwed-up kink manage to effectively play it for how disturbing it really is to normal people.

          The episode is titled "Masquerade," by the way.     

          While the vulgarity of the show is exaggerated, the one context in which is annoying is when it is from Adam (Alex Brightman).  His forced crudeness is probably a cheap way to make him more unlikable than necessary, but this is complicated by his having a pretty cool character design and singing what is far and away the best song in the show.

           Another talk of the show is Sir Pentious (Alex Brightman), a Victorian engineer who thinks he’s a mad scientist.  He is very much a wannabe villain, attempting to become an Overlord through conquest and technology.  Unfortunately, he lacks the cunning and killer’s instinct to be one.  One could imagine his ending up in Hell for some mundane reason, seeing himself in the form of a snake, and erroneously resigning to his fate as a supervillain. Having been sent to hotel by The Vees as a mole, his cover is blown and he breaks down, only to be forgiven by Charlie and taken in as a patient.  This is the one moment in which is arc is justifiably rushed because nobody wants to sit through a lengthy Third Act Mope after the Liar Is Revealed.  On the other hand, his arc is rushed.  The pilot gave people a lot of hope that he would spend at least a season as an ineffectual villain before joining the Hotel, but he spends no screen time in this role, and his potentially compelling foe-romance with Cherri-Bomb (Krystina Alabado) is reduced to his final confession of love for her without any of the tense build-up beforehand.  In the final battle, Adam instantaneously kills him, but Pentious’ self-sacrifice makes him the first Sinner to go to Heaven.  While impeccably timed for comedy, it’s anticlimactic.           

          Another important character is Vaggie (Stephanie Beatriz), Charlie’s girlfriend.  Her highly disciplined nature makes her awkward with dealing with the patients, and she ends up treating them like a platoon during Boot Camp, foreshadowing her reveal as a former Exorcist.  Indeed, the world’s worst fears are confirmed when Adam confirms that her name really does mean Vagina! (It’s his fault of course).  Vaggie ends up having a tense relationship with Carmilla, Hell’s leading arms dealer.  They share a tedious song number before they even meet, and Vaggie eventually confronts her in order to procure a hoard of angelic weapons for the Final Battle.  The arc only seems to make sense if the two are either secretly related or end up being shipped (hopefully after Vaggie breaks up with Charlie, of course). 

         As with some works I enjoy, I have to forgive Hazbin for arguably having more than its share of plot-holes.  Carmilla stumbles the ability to kill an Exorcist when she was cornered into protecting her loved ones, and she struggles over the morality of this rash decision despite being Hell's leading arms dealer.  It has never occurred to her to try this before despite having access to the Exorcists' only weakness: angelic steel. When Adam reveals that he plans to target the Hotel first during the next Extermination, Charlie and Co. have a golden opportunity to take advantage of this knowledge but instead they decide to hole up in the big mansion where the villain knows to find them because they're idiots.  Pentious's death is a Holdo Maneuver within a Holdo Maneuver: despite how effortless and powerful Adam's destruction of the zeppelin is, this is the only time he ever uses this move.  After the Final Battle, the Vees discuss a way to take advantage of the resulting "power vacuum" that isn't: not only has Charlie been vindicated by the battle, she also has an army and arsenal at her disposal, as well as the support of Lucifer, who has final grown a backbone and will likely be a more pro-active Ruler of Hell.  That is literally the opposite of a power vacuum.  Despite Emily's (Shoba Narayan) disillusionment with Sera (Patina Miller), she has no problem having tea with her in the Finale, presumably so we can see their contrasting reactions to St. Pentious' suddenly dropping in.  Also Pentious' being the first person redeemed himself through self-sacrifice defies the probability of anyone's having sacrificed himself for another during any previous Extermination or in general.  The only way this could make sense is that those people did not conceive of the idea of redemption therefore were not saved.  Then again this would justify the "Heaven Is Evil" theme by having work on Calvinist rules. 

         Some of these apparent flaws could be rectified depending on how the show progresses.  Pentious' arc may be rushed, but it may have just begun.  He begins to work toward doing what he can to help his friends from Heaven despite admonitions to forget about them.  Such a development could vindicate some of our wishful thinking that this show accidentally succeeds in being a based takedown of Reformed Theology a la Star Trek V.  I found the episode in which Charlie negotiates a Redshirt Pact with Rosie to be dull, but there's a possibility that this could end up biting her in the ass later, as she's now indebted to an Overlord and while attempting to appease an army of literal cannibals.  This could also be true since the deal was Alastor's idea.            

        I’ve always been a fan of Viv’s style, and I’ve never understood the criticism of its being “2000’s DeviantArt Style” that one is supposed to “grow out of.”  I wouldn’t equate Hazbin with Star Wars, but imagine taking cartoons seriously and then being the spiritual successor to everyone who thought George Lucas “wasted” his talent by elevating those silly matinee serials.   If anything, I find it refreshing that this colorful and expressive look has finally hit it big in the professional animation realm, especially after years of flat, lifeless animation, especially for adult audiences.  It’s cool that Viv has stuck to her guns on this.

       A perfect blend of toon stylization and anime embellishment, the artstyle lends inself well to expressive animation.  The style arguably qualifies as kitsch (which might explain some the Catholic following, we like flowery stuff), and a relatively good example of it.  Ornate, earnest, and splendidly naïve of the sensibilities of the establishment and its minimalism fetish.  Sadly this latter attitude has infected the animation industry, and has always been a staple of adult animation since The Simpsons published its contrarian Bible which I would be bold enough to argue singlehandedly ruined the look of adult western cartoons. 

         The aesthetic does have its limitations.  Sometimes the composition is jumbled and characters aren’t that well integrated into their environments.  During the meeting of the Overlords, for example, the animation is split on whether Zeezi is a literal giant who can hardly fit through a door or relatively tall as to be slightly awkward in a normal chair.

          The character designs are generally appealing, and almost everyone’s dressed in wonderfully snazzy clothes.  Angel Dust in particular is a good example of a design that works perfectly in 2D and emphasizes the advantages of that medium.  There are a few underwhelming examples, however.  I would be much happier if Carmilla was an actual anthropomorphic gun, and St. Peter’s (Darren Criss) lazy design makes him look like a youth pastor: the natural result of this Post-Christian world’s use of a hackneyed Post-Catholic trope of depicting a him as a doorman.  

           The voice acting is superb, although controversial.  Part of the deal with A24 involved booting the entire pilot cast, replacing them with Broadway actors who could double as singers.  It was a bum move, but the mimicry is impressive, and the despite some hiccups the cast delivers.  Blake Roman kills it in this particular scene.  There are a couple of questionable changes, on the other hand.  I don’t like Cherri’s new cockney accent, especially considering how perfect Krystal LaPorte’s voice was in the Pilot.  Katie Killjoy is distractingly played by Brandon Rogers in an awkward masculine voice which seems like a poor attempt to follow up a funnier moment from the Helluva Boss Pilot.  The cast also includes Sarah Stiles and James Monroe Inglehart.

          The show is arguably too foul-mouthed at times, but the humor works as its well-timed with plenty of people talking over each other, and the quips are believable coming from the characters.  

            Despite the troublesome nature of the show's setting and creators, it's a solid work with surprisingly good themes of redemption and compelling characters.  It even averts a troublesome trope with Emily.  It's understandable that Christians would be averse to it, and there are some good arguments for avoidance regardless of one's reaction, but I would argue that it's no worse than anything else made by the entertainment industry.  The climax is satisfying with a fourfold revelation (Heaven is not going to budge on the Extermination, Charlie finds out that Vaggie is a former Exorcist, Emily finds out that the Extermination is just that, and Adam announces his intent to target the Hotel first), and a Finale that makes one excited to see more.

Passion of Film's Past

The Robe

1953

D: Henry Koster

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         This forgotten classic is from a time when Hollywood consistently made Christian-themed movies as blockbusters.  Often these would be re-tellings of Biblical stories, and sometimes they would be creative spin-offs inspired by Biblical figures.  The latter displayed creativity in the context of a Christian society.  The Robe is also significant for being the first major movie released in CinemaScope.

          The story revolves around a Roman tribune named Marcellus Gallio (Richard Burton), who wins an auction against long-standing rival Caligula (a wonderfully scene-chewing Jay Robinson) and obtains Demetrius (Victor Mature) as a servant.  The tension is exacerbated by an encounter with Diana (Jean Simmons), Gallio’s childhood crush who is currently betrothed to Caligula.  Caligula responds to the loss by assigning Gallio to Jerusalem, a humiliating post. 

           While there, Demetrius is enamored by the arrival of Jesus (Cameron Mitchell) and attempts to warn him of a plot to kill him.  He momentarily encounters a depressed man (Michael Ansara) who is clearly meant to be Judas.  The man's identity is effectively conveyed with a well-framed shot in which the use of color draws the eye to a twisted tree outside a portal that Judas will inevitably hang himself from.  Unfortunately, the subtlety is needlessly ruined by Demetrius’ asking his name and Judas responding with “i’M jUDaS!” with a cheesy scare chord.  Good cinematography by Leon Shamroy gone to waste, right there. 

         Demetrius pleads for Jesus’ life when He is captured, but Pontius Pilate (Richard Boone) has already made his decision and orders Gallio to conduct the Crucifixion.  Gallio wins Jesus’ robe in the dice match, but it causes him physical pain to the touch.  Demetrius calls him out on his cowardice and abandons him, taking the robe.  Gallio returns to Italy, but is haunted by nightmares.  A medium tells him that he must destroy the robe to rid himself of them.

        Upon entering Cana, Gallio encounters a group of Christians strong in their faith despite their hardships.  He meets the charismatic Justus (Dean Jagger) and Peter (Michael Rennie).  In a very amusing scene, Justus tells a crowd an account of the Passion in which he claims that Peter never wavered in his courage.  Peter is tries to correct this, but backs down shyly when Justus tells him not to interrupt his speech.  Justus is then immediately put down by Roman archers. 

        Gallio confesses his guilt and becomes a Christian.  He is condemned by Caligula as a traitor for not worshipping the Emperor, and hijinks ensue involving imprisonments, daring escapes, and a clandestine healing of Demetrius by Peter. At his trial Diana defies Caligula and joins Gallio as they march together to their inevitable execution.  True love. 

        The Robe is a movie definitely worth watching, and a relic of when Cinema utilized its best and brightest for religion, and as such the writing reflects the insight on the inevitability of Christ and the fear it inspires in secular authorities. The acting is solid, and Jay Robinson is extremely entertaining as a fragile, megalomaniacal villain.  Richard Boone in his short, memorable scene captures the world-weary nature that is appropriate for Pilate.  Peter’s apprehensiveness in the Bible is faithfully depicted here as well.  The movie’s also revolving around a second-class relic is a plus.  The cast includes Torin Thatcher, Betta St. John, Jeff Morrow, Ernest Thesiger, Dawn Addams, Leon Askin, and a young Harry Shearer 

 

The Original Antifa

The Keep

1983

D: Michael Mann

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      Being a fan of Michael Mann, I was definitely intrigued by the idea of his making fantasy/horror epic, especially one taking place during World War II.  The Keep lives up to the stylistic expections, but it suffers from a studio butchery that removed much of the story.  It ranks pretty highly among movies with hidden director’s cuts that desperately needs to see the light.

      Based on the book by F. Paul Wilson, the movie takes place in a village in German occupied Romania as a Wehrmacht unit commanded by Captain Klaus Woermann (Jurgen Prochnow) adjusts to new management under an SS force led by the villainous Erich Kaempffer (Gabriel Byrne).  Like most normal Germans, Woermann and Co. are not too keen on entertaining these infamous busybodies, and, sure enough, Kaempffer makes a complete ass of himself by ordering the execution of a few local civilians to prove a point. 

      The local priest (Robert Prosky) convinces them to retrieve crippled Jewish historian Dr. Theodore Cuza (Ian McKellen) and his daughter Eva (Alberta Watson) from a concentration camp in order to translate the runes on a massive ancient structure by the village.  Soon after setting up camp inside the citadel, two German soldiers (John Vine and Jona Jones) inadvertently free an evil entity named Radu Molasar (Michael Carter), who begins to regenerate by slaughtering soldiers one by one.  At first, he seems like a stand-up guy, killing Nazis, saving Eva from rape, and curing Theodore of his disability, but he has ulterior motives.  His plan is to use Theodore to obtain a talisman so that he can escape the Keep and unleash unimaginable terror onto the world.

       This causes our hero Glaeken (Scott Glenn) to sense trouble and sail to the area to defeat Molasar using a magic scepter of strangely minimalist design.  Being the focused type, he wastes no time in having creepy, passionless sex with Eva (Keep in mind, this was the 20^th Century and people could not conceive of simply not having gratuitous sex scenes in movies.  Disney animated movies were excepted, but it’s likely there was discussion on that).  He then defeats Molasar with said scepter, but not before Kaempffer kills Klaus and Cuza rejects Molasar.

        It’s become a tiresome cliché to cite Blazing Saddles as a movie that could not be made today for ideological reasons, but The Keep is definitely a great candidate for such status.  While Molasar initially appears to be a righteous hunter of Nazis, he intentionally exploits this angle as a pretext for manipulating others into allowing his to begin his own reign of terror, and it’s pretty obvious how this can be applied to current political trends.  The Keep preemptively subverts and deconstructs the Reddit Carnage seen increasingly unserious movies about World War II consumed by people who would call you a Nazi for something as innocuous as your favorite car color.  Moreover, the movie draws a clear distinction between the Nazis and other contemporary Germans (Kaempffer and Klaus have debates on the subject), a decision that is poisonous to progressive revisionism.

        Of course, this not a completely fair comparison.  Antifa would never save a woman from getting raped.

        The movie is less theologically sound.  Fighting sorcery with sorcery can be fine in a fantasy, but The Keep unfortunately adds the context of Christianity’s being useless.  Despite being a good man, the priest is spiritually vulnerable to Molasar’s power and rendered temporarily insane simply by being in the same vicinity as the fiend.  This also cheapens the moment in which Kaempffer makes a last-ditch effort to ward off Molasar with a crucifix despite his malice and faithlessness. There might be a regrettable appeal here for the narcissistic sideshow that is right-wing paganism that is reinforced by the aforementioned loveless sex scene.  Then again, that may be confounded because it involves a Jewish person.

         The movie’s greatest problem is the studio-mandated cut from 3 hours to 1.5.  The Keep is an easy watch because of how short it is, but I was definitely ready for a slow burn.  What’s more is that the Glaeken, whom I assume most of the cut material is about, is described as a pensive hero who struggles with his destined role as such.  In other words, he is the exact type of protagonist that Michael Mann is good at depicting.  This problem comes to head in the third act in which he ends up at the bottom of a ravine while the clock is ticking, and the movie feels it necessary to take the time to show how much he struggles to climb back up.  Without the characterization to provide context for empathy, there is no aesthetic justification for this moment; it’s nothing more than just tedious faux-suspense.  It’s rather clueless to cut out all of a hero’s characterization and then include a climactic payoff that’s completely dependent upon it.  There might have been some actual romance between him and Eva to lead up the aforementioned creepy sex scene for all I know.  Klaus is the closest thing the movie has to a relatable protagonist, and Cuza is somewhat sympathetic despite his screw-ups.

         From a visual standpoint, the movie does not disappoint.  Mann’s usual atmosphere is facilitated by Alex Thomson’s cinematography and Tangerine Dreams’ score.  Molasar himself is a great character design as he develops from a skeletal horror to a stone-faced demon.  The red glow coming from his eyes is a nice touch, but it seems that the proportions on the suit put Michael Carter’s head in the neck area despite his height.  Unfortunately F. Paul Wilson apparently doesn’t know an awesome character design when he sees one and complained about, and from what I gather the faithful version resembles Snape from Harry Potter.  I haven’t read this book series, but Molasar’s design makes sense in the movie because it is a plot point that he gets mistaken for a golem.

          You’d think that if we could get director’s cut released of a Zack Snyder movie, surely we could have a successful campaign for someone like Michael Mann.  Then again perhaps that’s the opposite of how it works.  Maybe people with good taste cannot muster the hive-mind mobilization required for such an undertaking.  Either, way it doesn’t look as if will ever happen.  

          The movie also stars W. Morgan Sheppard, Wolf Kahler, and Bruce Payne.

 

 

QUOTES

 

MOLASAR: You have…death around you.

CUZA: Your hands!

MOLASAR: No.

CUZA: Then what you sense is my fate in a death camp.

MOLASAR: A place where people gather to die?

CUZA: A place where people are murdered.

MOLASAR: My people are murdered?  

CUZA: Yes!  And others, from all over Europe!

MOLASAR: Who does this?

CUZA: Their leader, in Berlin, and the soldiers in black.

MOLASAR: I will destroy them!  …I will…consume their lives.

       

         

      

Loona Rolls a 20

“Seeing Stars”

Helluva Boss

Episode 2:2

October 19, 2022

Below Average

 

 

         After a hiatus, I’m going to return to the fray and review Helluva Boss episodes.  It’s a bit overdue since the second season has crossed the line from standard carelessness to woke-induced nonsense.  With some exceptions the show is preoccupied with trying to convince us that Stolitz is actually good.  It doesn’t help that Viv is fishing for compliments from the craziest corners of her fanbase.  I’m not sure I’m ready to tackle “The Circus,” so for now I’ll settle for reviewing the second worst episode of the series.

           The episode begins with a flashback of Stolas’ promising Octavia that they’ll watch a special meteor shower at a predicted date.  In the present day, Octavia, excited that the day has finally come, attempts to remind Stolas, who is too busy arguing with Stella over the phone.  After Stolas absently brushes her off and implies he’ll be too busy arguing with Stella to do anything with her all weekend, which credits Octavia’s later question of “Why does he hate her more than he loves me?”  I also can’t help but notice that Stolas also physically abuses the family butler, which is has been cited as one piece of evidence for Stella’s being an irredeemable monster. 

            Frustrated, Octavia impulsively sneaks into IMP headquarters in order to obtain the Grimoire so she can see the shower herself, and her idea of “sneaking” is one of the few funny parts of the episode.  Just prior to this, Blitzo had finally confronted Loona on her rudeness toward the customers, and her anger with him probably explains why she just let Octavia break into the office and take the Grimoire.    

           This confrontation establishes the link between Loona and Octavia’s arcs, which would be paid off in the episode’s climax.  While Blitzo’s request is reasonable, one might understand Loona’s rage considering that he makes the mistakes of threatening to un-adopt her (Moxxie's approval of that is a rare dog-kick from him) and not talking it out in private (the M&M’s treat it as a spectator sport).  It also doesn’t help that Blitzo, due to his overprotectiveness, keeps her out of field work in favor of a customer service position she lacks the social skills for.  Erica Lindneck’s read of “I am a people person” does a good job implying that Loona desperately wants to be that, but is too traumatized by life experiences to pull if off.

           Octavia uses the Grimoire to vanish before IMP can stop her, and they end up doing the thing they should have done in “Truth Seekers:” call Stolas.  Heartwarmingly, Blitzo does not throw Loona under the bus despite the incident’s being her fault, and they decide use Stolas’ still poorly-articulated ability to come to earth without the Grimoire to find her.  Loona’s sense of smell from the residual portal informs her that they went to LA, which she explains in a decidedly force joke.  Octavia, not knowing where she was going, simply ordered the Grimoire to take her “to see the stars.”

 

...which could have gone a lot worse for her.

         After Stolas and the IMP arrive in LA, they split up.  Stolas and Blitzo are almost immediately abducted in a panel van by a sitcom procucer (Lyle Rath) who has mistaken the latter for their Brandon-Rogersesque guest star.  This would be a perfect opportunity for them to kill their unwitting captives and appropriate their transportation for the search but instead they go along with it for no reason.  It’s funny how Stolas only goes into full demon mode once in this episode as a lame throwaway joke, not only sullying one of the most epic moments in the show, but also betraying some bad priorities.  He can track down his boy-toy and murder humans for him, but not so much for his lost daughter.  Guess he does have a Gaydar. 

          Instead, he and Blitzo simply allow themselves to be driven to a set so that the latter can act out a scene in the sitcom.  In the middle of the shoot, Blitzo has a flashback of his adopting Loona from a hellhound pound run by an apathetic hellhound (Monica Franco).  In it he encounters her in a dingy prison cell crying and cringing after having defended herself from an apparently murderous cellmate and is informed that she will age out very soon.  He pities her more than the less photogenic hellpups (who disgust him) and he adopts her.  I like sad scenes as much as the next person, but I always pictured something less melodramatic, like Loona’s having accepted her fate for years until, this shady eecentric presumed to come out of nowhere and call her her father.  In the light of the new canon, I think it would make more sense for Loona to look more confused/frightened in this adoption photo than annoyed. 

            Then the show demonstrates one its recurrent flaws: disrupting good character moments for the sake of edginess.  The flashback triggers a murderous a spree in which Blitzo impulsively shoots random bystanders in the studio.  The only humorous moment is a fulfilled brick joke in which Stolas unwittingly burns someone with the local tap water, which was earlier the subject of a public warning poster.  It would have been more logical to have him vent his frustration on Stolas, accusing him of not caring enough for his own daughter.  This also would have had a more effectively funny effect as it would be in front of a whole bunch of contextless mortals.  

            This problem is repeated at the end of the episode during his reunion with Loona.  Overcome with emotion, he rushes over to embrace her, only for her to kick him brutally in the groin despite having more than enough time to recognize him and after having talked to Octavia about how she understands him.  This has been justified by stans as Loona’s not being ready to be touched due to her built-up anxieties, but that does not warrant violence.  Assuming that was not a calculated, vindictive punishment, it makes her look more like an uncontrollably violent animal than a person (see also: Loona’s impulsively attacking Moxxie because she’s disturbed by an hellquake in “CHERUB”).  It’s also at odds with her correct and comparatively measured use of violence in the pound.   

            They should have simply followed through on the emotional moment with a loving embrace between them, which would have uncomfortably emphasized to Octavia and Stolas how much better their father-daughter relationship is than their own.

           Leading up to this is Loona’s lone search for Octavia.  While the others screw around, she uses her detective skills basic common sense by tracking Via’s social media posts.  She eventually finds her at the LA Observatory and they have a heart-to-heart.  I’m all for heart-warming moments, but only when they’re well earned.  Loona basically trivialized Stolas’ home-wrecking by giving Octavia some “dad’s mess up, but they’re trying” platitude.  The scene definitely deserves a lot more attention as an ironic meme than Steven Universe's "She said she was sorry" moment.  What makes it even worse is that Loona is an accessory to and beneficiary of the sex/murder scheme that is responsible for Octavia’s problems, and the episode makes it clear that Octavia knows this.  Imagine how much more of an impact it would be if she called Loona out on it, triggering an epiphany in which the latter realized how much of a villain she is and it starts a redemption arc in earnest.  It seems that Octavia, because of this and her rash runaway, is being sympathetically strawmanned in order to help sell Stolitz: she only thinks it’s bad because she doesn’t know better.  I tend to think the popular theory that she’s asexual might also be a reason to explain away to lack of understanding. 

          The surrogate sister dynamic between Loona and Octavia is a relatively endearing symptom of Stolitz, but it ignores how much the two characters are foils for each other.  Loona grew up in squalor without love, and is now adjusting to being part of a family as a young adult.  In contrast, Octavia had a privileged upbringing in which she thought her parents loved each other, only to face her home life’s crumbling in front of her.  Reflective of how Stolas broke his family for sex with Blitzo, while Blitzo forces sex with Stolas to make a better life for his own.  

          Another annoying thing about this episode is that it clearly didn’t know what to do with the M&M’s.  What should have happened was that they go off on a comically wrong trail because Moxxie overthought it, or they simply should have been absent (perhaps they figured out how to get time alone without Blitzo’s finding out).  Instead, we get this dreadfully unfunny and out-of-character sequence in which Moxxie wastes time trying to buy a useless burned CD from a talentless street artist.  I think he’d be the last person to get such tunnel vision when there’s a lost child that needs to be found. 

         The episodes humor is pretty weak, and really peppered with the type of forced edginess that the show is often derided for.  There’s a child actress who does cocaine (Juliana Sada), and the show once again does the Family Guy death pose, which is the basically the new Wilhelm Scream, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.  At one point they make a second attempt at the stupidly-obvious password joke, only not as funny as the one in "Truth Seekers."  Even the usually funny background signs are disappointing despite the ample opportunity.  Still, the animation and timing help somewhat with some of the lines and visual jokes, especially during Blitzo’s intervention with Loona.  I also like how Stolas displays real owl mannerisms when exasperated.     

[Loona allows Octavia to sneak into IMP and she disappears with the Grimoire]

BLITZO: LOONA-

LOONA (OFFSCREEN): Oh yeah, you have a visitor.

 

BLITZO: Shit, shit, shit shit, what the fuck am I supposed to tell Stolas?!

MOXXIE: Well, he seems to like you, Sir.  Maybe he would understand if-

BLITZO: Ok, my dick is good, but it is not that good, Moxxie.

 

SIGN: PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING: New study finds LA water to be 2% sewer overflow and 98% literal acid. NO OBVIOUSLY DON’T DRINK THAT SHIT!!

 

[Stolas and Blitzo just got loaded into the van]

STOLAS: Blitzo, we don’t have time for this.  Via could be anywhere.  She could be in danger.

BLITZO: Don’t worry, I’m on it.  [smashes van windshield]  LOONY, GO FIND VIA, WE’LL CATCH UP SOON.  YEAH, WAY TO BE A TEAM PLAYER SWEETIE. 

[Blitzo is erroneously on a sitcom set]

ACTOR: Well, if it isn't our neighbor Ronny!  You feel that earthquake earlier?

[Blitzo freezes]

STOLAS: [whispering] Say something!

TELEPROMPTER: That was just my wife rolling out of bed.

BLITZO: Oh, yeah, yeah!  "That was just my wife rolling out of bed." 

[audience laughs and it goes to his head]

BLITZO: Yeah, yeah, and then that BITCH hit her head on the way down and shattered her skull! [Stolas giggles]  There's blood everywhere, peed her pants...

 

[Blitzo deletes “NOT TOPIC” from map search while looking for Octavia]

 

[Millie’s Sinstagram while contacting Blitzo at the end]

MILLIE: [under picture of ball-gag] Moxxie Be into this you think?? 

-read 2 weeks ago

BLITZO: B1TCH were u @?

MILLIE: Near the Alley!  Portal Plz :) <3

BLITZO: kk I gotchu

BLITZO: Mackin Stols do it now

What Finn Should Have Been

Soldier

1998

D: Paul W. S. Anderson

**********

 

 

       With the dominant trend of enforced mediocrity resulting in things like the Star Wars sequel trilogy, it’s become commonplace to reevaluate disreputable movies from the past.  Some might say that this is from nostalgia and the soft bigotry of low expectations, but it’s definitely valid to question a critical consensus that has proven itself unreliable.  Soldier is a movie I disliked when I first saw it years ago, partially due to its flawed director, but I found it much better after a recent viewing.

       I once found it moderately annoying that this movie was supposed to be a spin-off of Blade Runner, but now I believe it to be a creative addition to the franchise, even if it might not be “canon.”  In fact, I believe it does for more justice than Blade Runner 2049, which, enjoyable as it was, seemed bit too much like a rehash that sullied the excellent finale of the Blade Runner Director’s Cut.  While BR2049 boasts vastly superior cinematic technique, Soldier works as part of the universe while still being a distinct story.  It is slightly cheesy in comparison, but it has an old-school charm and many of the stylizations are quite nice, which is possibly because of help from cinematographer David Tattersall.  The action is decent, and nothing in it is annoyingly tacky in a way that detracts from the experience.  It does have the occasional moment of surprisingly unobtrusive CGI and some pretty good miniature effects.  It has good production design with some a few edgy designs for the vehicles, but it’s not completely perfect: I’ve never understood, for example, how 80’s/90’s sci-fi directors got the impression that the Franchi LF-57 looked “futuristic” when it actually looks like the 50’s submachine gun that it is.

        The movie’s introduction involves the automatic induction of orphaned infants into a special military training program in 1996.  They are desensitized to death and executed for failure to perform and comply in a brutal regimen akin to the one I assume Moe’s put its employees through to ensure that they reliably say “Welcome to Moe’s” when you enter the restaurant.  They come out of the training with no apparent emotion and are willing to execute any civilian if it is efficient.  The protagonist, a soldier named “Todd” 3465 (Kurt Russell) later admits that he still feels the fear that the indoctrination is based on; he grapples for any other emotion to counter it and the only thing he could come up with is “discipline.”

         The plot begins when Todd and his comrades are replaced by an improved batch of soldiers that are heavily implied to be replicants.  These newcomers prove to be physically superior to Todd’s batch in virtually every way, and, when defeated by one of the replicants named Caine (Jason Scott Lee), Todd is dumped onto junk planet Arcadia 234, where he is adopted by a small community of struggling exiles.  The movie does a good of showing his character grappling with newfound emotions that are being validated for the first time as he struggles to fit into the community.  He remains awkwardly stoic and borderline mute, but he develops loyalty for the people and is protective of a mute child (Jared & Tayler Thorne).  There is some skepticism from the group, but he is backed up by Mace (Sean Pertwee).  He is momentarily exiled due to a misunderstanding, but he returns to help when the director of the soldier programs, Col. Mekum (Jason Isaacs) selects the colony for a purge.  Todd uses his experience and cunning to believably fight the replicant soldiers, and acquires help from his old unit, who have been reduced to menial roles.  Eventually he succeeds in escaping the planet with the colonists and his comrades as the villains are left behind with an armed nuke.  It’s a fresh twist on the outside-rescues-village archetype.  

           The cast is strong.  Kurt Russell, always charismatic, shows further versatility by nailing the role of a stoic character who’s trying to grasp newfound emotions; his normally blank expression still betrays the suppressed terror that motivates him, and his body language is abrupt and efficient the few times he does move. Unlike Finn from The Force Awakens, he actually acts like someone who has been trained since early childhood to be a remorseless killing machine.  Jason Isaacs is memorably slimy as the villain, and Gary Busey, despite being part of a malicious soldier program, comes off as strangely grandfatherly in a corrupted way.  The solid cast includes Connie Nielsen (as Sandra), Jesse D. Goins, K.K. Dodds, and Michael Chiklis.

           The movie is well-executed, fun, and stylish.  In an example of one’s favorite thing’s not necessarily being the best thing, I find myself listing a Paul W.S. Anderson movie as my favorite from a year that gave us true classics like The Big Lebowski, Saving Private Ryan, Dark City, Mulan, and Prince of Egypt.  It goes to show that sometimes it’s good to rethink your priors. 

MEMORABLE QUOTES 

 

SANDRA: Sgt. Todd…what’s it like?  What’s it like being a soldier?  What do you think about?

TODD: …

SANDRA: You must think about something.

TODD: …

SANDRA: What about feelings, then?

TODD: …

SANDRA: You must feel something.

TODD: …

[Sandra begins to leave]

TODD: Fear.

SANDRA: Fear?

TODD: Fear and…discipline.

SANDRA: Now?

TODD: Always. 

 

[Todd is prepping for battle]

SANDRA: How do you know they’ll be back?

TODD: Because they’re soldiers, Sir.  Like me.

SANDRA:  Why are they doing this?

TODD: They’re obeying orders, Sir.  It’s their duty.

SANDRA: Do you know how many there will be?

TODD: Seventeen more, Sir.

SANDRA: Oh my G-d, you can’t fight seventeen more on your own, you have to organize us.  We’re not cowards, we’ll do as you tell us.  We’ll fight.

TODD: No.

SANDRA: Why not?

TODD: Soldiers deserve soldiers, Sir.

SANDRA: But one soldier against seventeen…What are you going to do?

TODD: [stops and looks at her] I’m going to kill them all, sir.            

        

 

Oo-De-Lally

Robin Hood

1973

D: Wolfgang Reitherman

**********

Pros: Story, Voice Case, Most of the Animation

Cons: Some Recycled Animations, Some Overly Goofy Moments

 

 

        Robin Hood is one of my biggest nostalgic Disney films, and it’s also a great testament to the cultural power and influence that the company possesses.  There was talk about adapting the legendary Reynard the Fox, a character of great mystique since at least the Middle Ages.  However, since Reynard was too ambiguous a character for Disney’s wholesome image, they eventually hit upon the idea to turn Robin Hood into a fox.  The narrator, Alan-a-Dale (Roger Miller), is possibly depicted as a Rooster as a reference to Chanticleer.  As a result, Reynard never got a 20^th Century revival in mainstream, and this 1973 movie remains the definitive version of Robin Hood to many people.  In fact, to this day I stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the idea that Robin Hood is anything other than an anthropomorphic fox.

        The story is a straight-forward telling of the legend, with Prince John (Peter Ustinov, an effeminate, maneless lion) taxing the poor of Nottingham with Robin Hood’s (Brian Bedford) thwarting him.  Robin’s lifelong friend and sidekick Little John (Phil Harris, a bear) plays the rational straight-man to our hero’s cunning romantic, which I find preferable to more recent depictions of him as a big idiot.  Apparently, the intelligent version of Little John is the more traditional one, so that’s one more hit for the Disney version.  The Prince is aided by the lupine Sheriff of Nottingham (Pat Buttram), who is a bit too fat and comical for the role, despite Buttram’s memorable voice.  

        A particularly intriguing character is Sir Hiss (Terry-Thomas, complete with his distinctive tooth gap).  In addition to being a typically cute cartoon snake, he’s also the least naturally malicious of the villains; he mostly goes along Prince John’s plans out of cowardice/ sycophancy despite his occasional amusing, constructive nagging of Prince John for his stupidity.  He’s clearly the most intelligent of the bunch, seeing through the good guys’ tricks while getting no regard for it.  Almost as if to underscore his banal villainy, he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body: he’s horrified at the Prince’s decision to execute Friar Tuck (Andy Devine) and is overjoyed to see Robin Hood survive the movie’s very suspenseful and effectively thrilling climax.  At the end he seems fully acceptant of his just punishment.

        Maid Marian (Monica Evans) is also a notable character.  Beautiful yet modest, she displays kindness toward the peasant children and is a loving fiancée for Robin.  She displays bravery by pleading with John for Robin’s life and defecting to Sherwood Forest without being an obligatory modern action girl.  Still, she’s a bit more open to love than real-life potential tradwifes from what I hear.  Then again, she didn’t have a diet of chick-flicks to teach her whatever vague rules women judge men by.  Her lady-in-waiting the amusingly robust Lady Cluck (Carole Shelley, a hen), provides an effective foil for her.  It strange that one of the most traditional, yet balanced and developed Disney princesses is a furry.

        Overall, the voice cast is very good and appropriate for the roles.  I generally prefer voice actors over celebrities in cartoons, but I admit that the latter ages like wine.  What seems faddish and cheap at the time grows into a nice bonus for dedicated cinephiles.  It especially helps that some of them are character actors with very distinctive voices like Peter Ustinov, Pat Buttram, Andy Levine, and Terry-Thomas.  Ustinov also displays some legitimate VA chameleon skills when he voices King Richard (a maned lion).  Other cast members include George Lindsey and Ken Curtiss as the henchmen Trigger and Nutsy (vultures), John Fiedler and Barbara Luddy as two church-mice, Candy Candido as a crocodilian captain, and J. Pat O’Malley as a bloodhound blacksmith.

        The animation is overall solid.  I know a lot of people complain about the xerography method that dominated this era of Disney, but I think it as a valid and practical innovation.  Unfortunately, it did make it easier for Disney to shamelessly recycle some of its earlier animations from prevous movies and Robin Hood is guilty of its share of that.  That’s really my greatest complaint about the movie; the only other moment of cringe is Lady Cluck’s football rush during the archery tournament battle.  The music is passable and has some memorable moments.

        Because Robin Hood himself is such an effective, admirable, and charismatic hero, everyone wants to adopt him as an ideological mascot.  Left-leaners celebrate how he stole from the rich to give to the poor, while libertarians more cogently point out that he was rebelling against unjust taxation and was a skilled archer who used the skill for very 2^nd Amendment-adjacent reasons.  Still, pretty sure the Trads have the best case considering that he was a Catholic integralist in a movie which had a positive depictions of the Middle Ages.  

        One of the reasons why Robin Hood has stood a test of time (despite Disney’s mild embarrassment of it) is that it’s the most straight adaptation in modern cinema that most of us grew up with, although it doesn't go into the rivalry between the Normans and the Saxons.  Every subsequent adaptation has been somewhat unfaithful and deconstructive.  Even if Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) is much more entertaining movie than people give it credit for, it’s hardly definitive.   Robin Hood is an earnest, fun modern swashbuckler and an unapologetic depiction of traditional heroism, which is why it’s remained with us to this day.  That’s why it’s so refreshing in a sea of deconstruction, and that’s why it’s one of the iconicanthropomorphic stories out there.                    

 

 

         MOVIE PITCH: ROBIN HOOD 2

 

    Despite not trusting modern Disney with anything now (especially Robin Hood), it would be cool to see a traditionally animated sequel to this movie.  Years later, Robin Hood and Marian are married with children, but trouble arises when The Sheriff of Nottingham comes back for revenge.  In this movie, he’s far more intimidating: he’s lost weight and a good bit of sanity from his long time in prison, and he’s out for blood. Reynard the Fox (possibly Will Arnett) could show up as an antagonist who means to manipulate the Sheriff’s vengefulness as a power grab.  

     Robin has to go back and fight, with a tearful separation from Marian.  Marian, not going down the action girl route, remains to tend to the kits while using her position in royalty to handle the political aspects of the conflict (a la Princess Leia in the Legends Universe).  At one point she’s cornered into using some modest combat skills to protect the children.

       There could also be a redemption arc involving Sir Hiss, who’s been spending years in a monastery atoning for his past.  He holds some key information, and the heroes have to learn to trust his perceptiveness (unlike John), and he learns to find his courage.  

        The voice acting could have some challenge with mimicry, but the Sheriff’s voice could be channeled into something creepy while not being off-model.  There could be some well-researched sword-play.    

 

 

 

QUOTES

 

ROBIN HOOD [as a fortune teller]: Your name will go down, down, down in history, of course.

JOHN: Yes, I knew it!  I knew it!  You hear that, Hiss?  Oh, you can’t.  He’s in the basket.

     

HISS: I knew it!  I knew this would happen!  I tried to warn you, but no, no, no, you wouldn’t listen.  You just had to.  Ah, Ah!  Seven years bad-   

[John smashes a mirror over his head]  

HISS: …luck.  That’s what it is.  Besides, you broke your mother’s mirror.

JOHN: Ah! Mommy! [sucks his thumb] I’ve got a dirty thumb. 

 

LITTLE JOHN: You know something, Robin?  You’re taking too many chances.

ROBIN: Chances?  You must be joking!  That was a bit of a lark, Little John.

LITTLE JOHN: Oh yeah?  Take a look at your hat.  That’s not a candle on a cake.  

ROBIN: Hello!  This one almost had my name on it, didn’t it?  They’re getting better you know.  You gotta admit it, they’re getting better.

 

SKIPPY: That old Prince John doesn’t scare me!

TOBY: I’m scared of Prince John, he’s cranky.

 

CLUCK: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

MARIAN: Or forgetful.

 

[Robin has just burned a pot of food]

ROBIN: Sorry, Johnny.  Guess I was thinking about Marian again.  I can’t help it.  I love her, Johnny.  

LITTLE JOHN: Look, why don’t you stop moonin’ and mopin’ around?  Just, just marty the girl.

ROBIN: Marry her?  You don’t just walk up to a girl, hand her a bouquet, and say, “Hey, remember me?  We were kids together.  Will you marry me?  No, it just isn’t done that way.

LITTLE JOHN: Aw come on, Robbie.  Climb the castle walls.  Sweep her off her feet.  Carry her off in style.

ROBIN: It’s no use, Johnny.  I’ve thought it all out, and…it just wouldn’t work.  Besides, what have I got to offer her?

LITTLE JOHN: Well, for one thing, you can’t cook.  [sniffs at what’s left of the food and sneers]

ROBIN: I’m serious, Johnny She’s a highborn lady of quality.

LITTLE  JOHN:  So she’s got class, so what?

ROBIN HOOD: I’m an outlaw, that’s what.  That’s no life for a lovely lady.  Always on the run.  What kind of future is that?

[Enter Friar Tuck]

FRIAR TUCK: Oh, for heavens sake, son.  You’re no outlaw.  Why someday you’ll be called a great hero.

ROBIN: A hero?  Do you hear that, Johnny?  We’ve just been pardoned.

LITTLE JOHN: That’s a gas, we ain’t even been arrested yet.

 

JOHN: I sentence you to sudden, instant, and even immediate DEATH.

 

HISS: Well, I tried to warn you, but no ,no, no, you wouln’t listen.  Your traps just never work.  And now look what you’ve done to your mother’s castle.

 

 

2023 Movies Ranked

<< 2022    2024 >>

10. Beau is Afraid

D: Ari Aster

**********

9. The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic

**********

8. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

D: James Gunn

**********

7. Nefarious

D: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon

**********

6. Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning, Part 1

D: Christopher McQuarrie

**********

5. Suzume

D: Makoto Shinkai

**********

4. The Whale

D: Darren Aronofsky

**********

3. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish

D: Joel Crawford

**********

2. Sound of Freedom

D: Alejandro Monteverde

**********

1. John Wick: Chapter 4

D: Chad Stahelski 

**********

<< 2022    2023 >>