The principle of Chekhov’s Gun states that if a gun
(actually, a story element or item) is shown in a story, then that gun must be
used by the story’s end. With all due
respect to a great writer, I think that’s a rather shallow concept that begs subversion or
mockery.
 |
| The principle of Chekhov's gun, taken to its logical end. |
I would say that if you take the time to describe a unique fictional weapon in a story, you’d
certainly better show it in action, or what’s the point of even making it
up? For some reason, however, Hollywood
has this odd fetish with describing awesome weaponry and then never showing it. Like some bad joke it thinks is funnier than
it really is. Sometimes they show just
enough so that we see what it can do and then immediately toss it. And leave it. While the audience wants to pull up quick and retrieve it. Here’s the list of the Biggest Wasted Weapons
in movies and games.
13. The Phantom
While I only mention fictional weaponry for movies and
TV, I think realistic weaponry is fair game for vidya. This isn’t the most egregiously wasted weapon
in a video game, but it may be one of the more famous ones. Based on the real-life Spectre M4, the
Phantom could be dual-wielded and possessed good stopping power, plus a
generous 50-round magazine. This made it
the second-best submachine gun in the game, and yet it was only used in one
campaign level and was absent from multiplayer.
This proud tradition was carried on in Perfect Dark, which featured the MagSec-4 (available in one level
in which its short range was almost useless) and the Cyclone (available in one
level). However, unlike GoldenEye, Dark had customizable weapons sets which ensured that all the guns
had a part in the multiplayer without being forced to use certain weapons with
others in the same match. Unless, of
course, a weapon had a poorly-thought-out secondary feature…
12. The Coreburner
Escape from L.A.
In the aggressively mediocre sequel to the John Carpenter
classic, Snake is fitted with a modified LaFrance M16K with an implausible 500
round magazine of magnesium ammunition.
It makes an impressive muzzle flash.
Snake only gets to use it a few times, but he drops it in one of the
first action scenes, leaving him tragically Coreburnerless for most of the
movie.
11. The ChemRail
Elysium
We get to see Matt Damon briefly using this to dismember
one guy through a wall, and that’s it.
Cool, but leaves you wanting more from this bad girl. One of the many reasons I found this movie to
be mediocre.
10. Mini-14s with MZ-14 Stocks Generic Superguns
One Tough Bastard
In Kurt Wimmer’s directorial debut. What happens here is disappointing
considering his knack for great action.
The plot revolves partially around an illegal shipment of these
guns. While the gun itself is pretty
lame (they’re just Bullpup Mini-14’s, without which no 90’s B-Movie is complete),
the movie sells up its offensive capabilities, which are demonstrated on a
poor, helpless Jeep. When the
opportunity comes to see its performance on soft targets, the audience gets a
rather anticlimactic fake-out. While the
Feds are having their baseball match, they’re attacked by thugs who didn’t
realize their guns where filled with blanks.
How they didn’t know they were loading their weapons with blanks is
beyond me.
9. The Bagpipe Gun
The World is Not
Enough
Just not enough.
8. The Zorg ZF-1
The Fifth Element
The gun seems to be a joke, but it’s underused. While the replay feature, which sends every
subsequent bullet after where the first on hits, is insane and tactically
counterproductive, I would have loved to see what would have happened if it was
used in an actual fight scene. Sadly, Zorg only uses it briefly and barely fires it at
all.
7. “The Ex-Wife”
Iron Man 2
When Justin Hammer equips War Machine with his weaponry,
he boastfully describes this device like it was a Bunker Buster small enough to
be fired from an infantry weapon. His
talk only makes the viewer want to see it in action, and all we get is the
device’s comically failing during battle.
Apparently, a stupid joke to make Hammer look incompetent in comparison
to Tony Stark was more amusing to the filmmakers than actually showing the
awesomeness of this device in action. It’s
bad commercial logic: making a
competitor look utterly incompetent supposedly makes the hero look better.
6. The BMW Z3
GoldenEye
Apparently the filmmakers had borrowed a prototype of
this car for the movie, and BMW obviously didn’t want it messed up to
much. The result is that Q takes the
time describe the great features (up to Stinger missile launchers) on a car
that we never see in an action. And it's in the wrong color. That
is why automotive product placements suck, kids. A dishonorable mention goes to the Z8 from The World Is Not Enough, which shows up
long enough to get destroyed.
5. The RC-P120
Hey, it’s a cool submachine gun with a 120-round
magazine, no way to mess that up, right?
Well, it’s only available on one level, and the level is set up so that
you can’t possibly have any fun with it.
You can only pick it up at a certain time, and then you’re prompted to
rush toward a bomb to defuse it. You can
only use the gun to shoot a few guys on your way, and those guys are all
wearing a special shield that offsets its firepower. The manual describes the gun as being ideal against the Skedar, so too bad you never get to fight any Skedar with it. But wait, you can have fun with it in
Multiplayer, right? Well, not unless you feel like playing with
cloaking devices, too! That’s the
gun’s secondary function, and it complicates any multiplayer game
needlessly. In the words of The Angry
Video Game Nerd, “Who the F888 thought
this was a good idea?!”
4. Cherno Alpha
and Crimson Typhoon
Pacific Rim
It would have been really interesting to watch the
different robots made by different countries with different design philosophies
fighting Kaiju, but unfortunately these two are almost immediately destroyed
when they enter the action, leaving the two relatively bland Anglo-Saxon bots
to save the day. It’s a shame because
these two were much cooler and more distinctive than Striker Eureka and GipsyDanger. Hell, they're pilots seemed more interesting than the movie's actual protagonists. I'd much rather learn about the brother-sister Russian team and the Chinese triplets than the people we had blanding the movie up.
3. The Glaive
Krull
When I see this unsafe-looking fantasy weapon, I can’t
help but think what really good action directors like John Woo or the
Wachowskis would have done with it.
Think all the well-choreographed actions scenes that could have been
made even better by the hero throwing a bladed boomerang at multiple
enemies. Instead the protagonist only
uses it against the final villain in a fight that plays out like a game of
freaking skee ball. This is one reason
that this movie would actually be an ideal candidate for a remake. Unfortunately, One thing I love about the
movie is the distinctive setwork, which would probably just be replaced by
generic CGI. And speaking of remakes...
2. The Bolo Gun
Total Recall
(2012)
This weapon shoots a set of glowing loops which entrap
the target and allow the user to move their quarry by pointing it in different
directions. Forget the 2nd
Amendment, I want one of the these things!
Who needs the misplaced guilt of shooting someone in self defense when
you can crash him into display cases while everyone laughs at the real-life
cartoon occurring in front of them?
Unfortunately, we see just enough of this to see what it can do, and the
movie does not take the time to have fun this wonderful little toy. Because this is Total Recall 2012, where fun is not allowed.
1. The Farsight XR-20
What could be more awesome than multiplayer in
the GoldenEye engine with a rail gun?
Unfortunately, this great idea was ruined with the addition of a
secondary fire mode which automatically adjusts the X-Ray sight’s zoom and
position to keep the enemy in the crosshairs.
This takes a fun idea and makes it cheap, unfair and dull. The single-shot kill property adds to the overkill factor. Also, the Laptop Gun is toeing this line because it can turn into a
sentry gun that shoots the other player with 100% accuracy while
ignoring its user.
