Rom-Com for Wolfaboos

Alpha and Omega

2010

D: Anthony Bell, Ben Gluck
**********

Pros: Likable characters, Decent visuals, Surprisingly presentable romance

Cons: Plot gets tedious, Some annoying comic relief, Mixed voice casting

     Third party animation studios have a bit of a hurdle to overcome, at least when it comes to CG cartoons.  Pixar and Dreamworks animated movies tend to be given the benefit of the doubt, but if you’re a third party, you’d better be making a serious foreign 2D animated movie about the Middle East, or else no one’s gonna give you the light of day.  Now there’s reason for this bias, since most of these animated movies do suck.  But sometimes, a few decent movies come through.

Perhaps a lot of the criticism that this Alpha and Omega got was a result of the animation production’s taking place in India, and movie’s not having quite the same spectacle as something from one of the bigger companies.  Still, not every studio has as much money as the big two, and I think this one did quite well considering.  The characters move and express their emotions well, and there is definitely enough detail in the animation for a 3D cartoon.  Still, that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything to nitpick.

Can you tell what's wrong with the Moon in this picture?

     When you see the trailers, you think you have this movie figured out.  “Oh I see.  He’s the nerdy guy with the crush, she’s the stuck-up princess who wants nothing to do with him, and they fall in love in some forced adventure.”  When movie starts, however, and it’s readily apparent that the two lovebirds, Humphrey (Justin Long) and Kate (Hayden Panattiere) are not only well acquainted with each other, they’re actually friends.  Well, so much for that expected stupidity.  The fact that the two lovers already know each other and like each other already makes this movie a more well-developed romance than most animated features.  Hell, that makes it a more well-developed romance than most adult romances.

     The thing standing in the way of their relationship is the fact that Humphrey is an Omega and Kate is an Alpha.  The two classes are not allowed to breed with each other.  Of course, the way lupine social structure is depicted in this talking animal movie is far from realistic.  Alphas (dominant wolves) are the leaders/hunter class, Betas (subservient rank and file wolves) are nonexistent in the movie, and Omegas (scapegoat wolves) are experts at entertainment and mediation.  They accomplish the latter by throwing the fat guy onto any small group of fighting wolves.

     Things get complicated for Kate when her father, the pack leader, arranges her to marry Garth, the son of the leader of a rival pack, in order to unite all the wolves.  If this does not happen, then the two packs will go to war, and that’s far too many wolves to toss just one fat dude on top of.  Unfortunately, Kate and Humphrey get captured by humans and driven to a nature reserve in order to help repopulate the wolf population there.  They start traveling home together and realize their love along the way.  Meanwhile, as the packs quarrel, Kate’s sister Lilly (Christina Ricci) offers to entertain Garth, and they fall in love.  Their relationship is a bit quick in forming, but they do discuss their interests and help each other improve their weaknesses, which makes their relationship enjoyable.  What follows is somewhat predictable.  Kate and Humphrey face various obstacles, get back home to prevent the war, and the wolves decide to abolish the rule against Alphas and Omegas dating each other, which allows Kate and Humphrey to be happy while Lilly and Garth unite the packs.

     The plot does warrant some criticism.  In fact, my main problem with the movie is the “Incredible Journey” formula it makes me sit through.  I actually think that all the things the movie does to make itself more “exciting” make it boring in many stretches.  Instead of watching Kate and Humphrey getting into contrived moments of false suspense and short-lived tension, I would have actually preferred that they stayed with the two packs all along.  That way they would have dealt with the politics of their society while forming a relationship.  This would have been more interesting, not to mention more complex than what we got.  The most interesting part of this movie is watching the characters interact with each other in their society, and that’s what this movie should have been.  We also would have been spared the lame comic relief characters that Humphrey and Kate meet on their trek, a goose named Marcel and a duck named Paddy.  Whenever they show up on the screen, time seems to slow down considerably.  Of course, there is a more shallow explanation for their Scrappy status.  The wolfaboos who watch and like this movie, myself included, don’t care about watching lame animals like ducks when we came to see those purdy, majestic wolves.  Still, the movie, despite some of its unimaginative moments, does subvert many tired clichés in a refreshing manner.      

     Most of the characters are likable as long as you keep to the wolves; they’re really the only entities that have any sort of development in this film.  Humphrey and Kate are sympathetic enough to make you want to root for them, but I really like the supporting characters more.  My favorite character is Lilly, Kate’s sister.  Despite being in an alpha family, she’s been relegated to Omega status due to the fact that she’s a purple-eyed, albino freak.  She’s just a lovably cute wolf with a space-headed personality and an odd preoccupation with turtles.  She officially proves that she is an adorable YouTube animal who has been granted the power of speech when she demonstrates her impression of a turtle stuck on its back.

She gives the best Voight-Kampff tests.

She wears her hair with a bang covering one eye because she’s shy, so you know she’s going to change her do when a love interest tells her she looks better with her eyes uncovered.  The funniest character is Kate and Lilly’s mother, Eve (Vicki Lewis).  She’s a loving mother and wife, but she has a ferocious side that comes out when she feels her children are threatened.  She comes off as a bit nuts when she gives some motherly advice to Kate by telling her to kill Garth if he gets out of line.

Kate's reaction is priceless.

Sadly, there’s not much in terms of strong humor outside this character.  Garth, Kate’s arranged fiancé, also subverts expectations.  Because he’s the love rival, we expect him to be some spoiled douchebag, but he turns out to be a pretty nice guy.  Tony (Dennis Hopper, in his last film role), the leader of the rival pack and Garth’s father, plays a mildly antagonistic role, but he’s not really a villain.  He just wants to make sure that his people have the feeding grounds they need, just Kate’s father Winston (Danny Glover).  It’s actually quite refreshing to see an animated movie with real conflict, but not because anyone’s being an asshole just for the hell of it.  Hell, even the humans have noble intentions.  Everyone in the film has a good reason to act the way they do, and there are no actual villains. 

Though I had my doubts about this shady-looking bastard.

     The voice casting is a mixed bag.  I usually find it annoying when an animated feature casts a big name when I prefer actual voice actors or respected character actors with cult appeal.  Justin Long does not exactly have that kind of street cred, but he does give his role a fittingly adorkable charm.  Unfortunately, the movie also casts some random stars from popular recent shows like Heroes and The OC.  Christina Ricci, on the other hand, does a great job as Lilly and expresses the character’s shyness well.  Vicki Lewis is alternately nurturing and ferocious as Eve.  Danny Glover and Dennis Hopper are very enjoyable as two characters who are, quite appropriately, too old for this shit.

     Alpha and Omega certainly isn’t a great movie, but it deserves more credit than it receives in my opinion.  A lot of it is tedious and there is a good bit of obnoxious humor, but the scenes that focus on the wolf packs are interesting to watch.  It plays a few formulas straight, but it subverts many annoying clichés at the same time.  It even has some genuinely clever moments.  The Moonlight Howl is fun to listen to and it’s an interesting interpretation of a lupine activity from their point of view, even it is a bit oddly sensual.  It would have been better if it had stuck more to its strengths, though.  I admit that the presence of wolves constitutes much of the movie’s appeal.  In fact, I probably would have found it relatively bland without this element.  Still, it’s definitely an enjoyable enough movie, and I don’t think its flaws are too serious.   

FAVORITE QUOTES

EVE: Aww, Kate, you look so beautiful.  Now, if Garth gets out of line, take those beautiful teeth of yours, go for the throat and don't let go until the body stops shaking.

KATE: [stunned silence]

EVE: I just want to say one thing.  If any of you wolves have hurt my daughter, I will personally rip out your eyes and shove them down your throat so YOU CAN SEE MY CLAWS TEARING YOUR CARCASS OPEN!!!!

Why My Work Schedule Sucks.

I currently work an entry level job at a printing press.  It’s not a bad job.  It’s good money, and the work itself is virtually stress-free.  I don’t have to use social/leadership skills I do not possess, so my job is pretty secure.   The problem, however, is with my schedule, which is based on 12 hour night shifts.  Working this job is easy, but 12 hours of straight work is still a long, tedious time.  Even though I’m happy to have a job, these are the reasons why my work schedule sucks.

I Eat a Lot of Bland/Crappy Food

Before work, I pack a lunch consisting of two PB&J sandwiches, which I gulp down without relish throughout the work day.  I also use vending machine junk during the work day as fuel to help me get through it.  In addition to that, I have to abstain from any spicy/good-tasting food within 12 hours of work so that I can go to work without extreme flatulence/diarrhea.  On the plus side, this is usually keeping my weight in check.  

I Don’t Really Fully Adjust To the Sleep Schedule

On one hand, working nights isn’t as bad as when I was in the Navy, when I might have to wake up in the middle of the night for watch then have another watch at another time the next day.  That was a schedule that was literally impossible to adapt to.  This sleep schedule is plausible since it is constant.  However, you still don’t fully adjust.  Your body still wants an excuse to reset its Circadian Rhythm to a normal daytime routine.  The result is that I don’t want to go to sleep at 9am whereas I had no trouble going to bed before 10pm on a normal schedule.  When you find yourself unable to sleep during the day, and you have to work that night, it’s a terrible feeling.   It’s still light out when it’s time to get some sleep before work.  I often find myself resorting to NyQuil to knock myself out (which actually has the exact opposite of its intended purpose; it doesn’t put you to sleep when you want to, but it makes you groggy when it’s time to go to work.) and swilling Red Bull during work to keep myself perky (I’m worried about its long-term health effects).  On my days off, I often get in over 12 hours of sleep to compensate, which eats into my leisure time.

I Can’t Plan Ahead on Anything

Most people have a constant work week that they can plan around.  My workplace’s schedule is pretty much “you’re working whatever random day we feel like making you work.”  I get a schedule that tells me what days I’m working for the next week, and it isn’t updated until Friday or Saturday, so I never know what I’m doing more than week away.  Though I get plenty of days off during most weeks, they’re completely random.  I usually cannot visit out-of-town family unless I request three days off to fly there and back.  Since my days off are random as opposed to on weekends, they usually don’t coincide with those of my loved ones.  Hell, just yesterday, I asked a couple cousins if they wanted to go shooting on my day off.  They had days off themselves, but they were all entertaining guests all day, and when they asked me to postpone it until the next day, when I was working almost every day afterward for the next week.        

                                                      

 I Don’t Truly Have Any Free Time until My Days Off

With an 8-hour day, people can do things during the work week, but I can’t.  Sure, I goof around, but it costs me sleep time.  When I get to work, I pretty much have to start getting ready for bed.  This means on my days off, I have to perform recreational triage.  Do I watch my Netflix movie now or sit on it for another week?  This is why I usually don’t do anything constructive with my free time, like cleaning or artwork.

 The Internet Apparently Sucks At Night

Seeing as how my free time is usually spent at night, there’s not much to do except stay indoors.  Of course, one primary means of amusement is the internet, but unfortunately it sucks at night.  I don’t mean become the other users aren’t up yet, since my online interactions aren’t in real time.  What I mean is that it’s difficult to get to even major websites, even when I have a good signal.  For some reason the 6-8 am hours (my evening) are particularly bad. 

The Entire World Is Working On the Opposite Schedule I Am

And the most obvious one.  If you ever need to conduct any business outside actually showing up to work (eg: fixing/registering car, shopping) you have to cut into your sleep schedule.  This gets even more frustrating when trying to eat out.  Often, I’d like to get some nice food before I turn in, but most all of the decent restaurants are closed until late morning at earliest.  This is something you don’t appreciate until you work nights.  I’m starting to understand the aggression of these man-eating creatures creatures of the night in horror movies.  After all, they don’t have many options. 

Nightmare Moon was set to destroy all life on the planet with eternal darkness because she was tired of having to eat at Waffle House all the time.

Ugly Guns

THE UGLIEST GUNS EVER MADE

This post is a little wittier than the one about the guns I think look cool.  I mostly limited this to self-loaders and revolvers in order to stick to guns I know.  Of course, this is just my opinion on the guns' appearances.  Some of these guns are not bad guns.

19. Ruger P93-97 (US)

Truthfully, these guns are not remotely ugly; I just find them very bland and generic.  Contrary to popular opinion, I think the P89 and P90 are very great-looking, distinctive guns.  Since the subsequent P-Series are an alleged “improvement” in appearance over them, I just decided to include them on this list.  You know...cause I'm like that.

 18. Webley & Scott Self-Loading Pistols (UK)

There is an old-school charm to these pistols’ appearance, but they still look like a child’s drawing of a gun, and the grip angle looks uncomfortable.  Still, I hear they were solid and well-made.

17. Ingram MAC-10 (US)
A box with a grip, shaped vaguely like an Uzi.  It looks pretty cool with a suppressor, though.

 16. LAR Grizzly (US)

Though not a bad idea (design a 1911 that fires magnum rounds), it's not particularly pretty with its disproportionally fat grip, ugly trigger guard and extended barrel.

 15. Webley-Fosbery Automatic Revolver (UK)

Although I believe the Webley revolvers are the best looking pistols ever made, I don’t particularly care for these.  In order to justify the slide action, the gun was split along a horizontal line into two parts, which messes up the shape.  The trigger guard also looks too small.

 14. Colt Double Eagle (US)

I’ve heard that this gun, designed for the 10mm round, is not that well-made, nor does it look so.  It looks like a badly put-together toy in my opinion.  But then again, it is in Perfect Dark; that’s pretty cool. 

 13. Taurus Judge (Brazil)

Obviously, a compact snubby is going to look disproportionate if you design it to carry rounds that long.

 12. Smith & Wesson 39 (US)

I know this is probably a great gun, and it’s America’s first double-action semiauto, but it just looks ugly to me.  None of the proportions are right.  The frame is too thick in height, the dust cover is at an awkward level, and the trigger guard looks disproportionately small.  This gun looks…inbred.  Still, there are variants of this series that look ok.

 11. FN Five-SeveN (Belgium)

Its all-polymer exterior makes it look enough like a toy without the light gray controls.

10. Various Self-Loading Rifles

Many of the self-loading rifles in the first half of the 20^th Century looked like an awkward mix between a bolt action rifle and an automatic.  This Fench MAS49 demonstrates.

 9. Arsenal Firearms Second Century Model 2011 (Italy)

[???] No, this is not a joke.  It’s literally two 1911s welded together.  This may not be the ugliest gun, but it’s certainly one of the stupidest.  Yes, the malapropism “stupidest” is appropriate here.  I mean…why?  What advantage do you get from two .45 rounds going toward the exact same target?  If you want a 1911 with twice the firepower, get a high capacity one.  A gun like this thing would look cool in a movie, but this is real life, people. 

 8. Springfield XD-M (US/Croatia)

I know that the Springfield XDs are great guns, but I’m not much of a fun.  The thing that everyone says about Rugers (that they look and feel like bricks) applies so much more to the XDs.  The XD-M, however, strikes me as ugly.  The slide looks like it’s mounted too high and loose over the frame, and the pistol is covered in unsightly zig-zagging lines.

7. Colt 2000
Colt's inept first attempt at a hi-capacity polymer looks as bad as it was.

 6. Shevchenko Psh-4 (Ukraine)

Wow.  Now they’re just trying to make this look ugly.  However, this gun does have a neat cyberpunk look to it; it would be nice to see it passed off as a laser in some scifi movie.  Even more odd, the gun’s slide has been designed to hold open on the last round rather than after it, ostensibly so the shooter can make the last shot count.  Apparently Pinkie Pie designed this gun. 

 5. Ugly Polymer Versions of Good-Looking Guns

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the biggest fan of polymers, especially when the frames come in some hideous color like olive drab or green.  The pistol on the left is a polymer Baby Eagle, and, believe it nor not, that ugly sand-colored thing on the right is a CZ 75 variant. 

 4. Grendel P30 (US)

The name and the picture sum it up, but it 30 rounds in a pistol is still pretty cool.

3. Chauchat (France)

If you know your firearms history, you know that this is one of the worst guns ever created, and this rickety thing quite appropriately looks like it was cobbled together by drunken gnomes.

 2. M14 EBR (US)

It's supposed to be practical, not good-looking.  It’s still a hideous monstrosity that looks like a product of the combination of drugs and a visit to a Frankenguns website.

 1. Type 94 Shiki Kenju (Japan)

Highly considered one of the worst guns ever manufactured, this deformed abortion of a firearm certainly looks the part.  Still, I’d probably say the Chauchat was worse considering that it was supposed to be used as a primary weapon rather than a backup.

The Dumbest Post Ever.

THE COOLEST LOOKING PISTOLS

This may be a pointless, subjective article, but what would my blog be without my drunkenly rambling about random things that go on in my head?  I’ve decided to limit the list to revolvers and semiautos to keep it from getting too big.  There might be entries that other gun enthusiasts might disagree with, but I’ve noticed that these types tend to think that any gun that doesn’t look like an M1911 is “ugly.”  Granted, this isn’t really about the quality or practicality of these weapons, it’s just something about how they look.  Due to the lack of any objectivity, this probably won’t come off as a very intelligent post. 

  

 33. Sig-Sauer P226 (Switzerland/Germany)

A very solid-looking, recognizable gun with great ergonomics.  If I wasn't such a cheapskate, I might get one.

32. CZ G2000 (Czech Republic)
I like the racy looks, and the 19 (9mm)/15(.40) magazine is cool, too.

31. Heckler & Koch P7 (Germany)

A very unique piece with a German look to it.  It also helps that this is Hans Gruber’s gun from Die Hard.  I don’t like the grip safety, though. 

30. Walther PPK (Germany)

Most pocket pistols are designed for concealability rather than style.  This is one of the few that’s actually genuinely pretty.

29. Glocks (Austria)

Though some say these are ugly, they’re actually one of the few polymers I don’t find ugly.  I like their clean, minimalistic motif.

28. Heckler & Koch USP (Germany)

This is a very well-proportioned and solid-looking gun, although I’ve held one and it feels a bit like a brick.

27. Browning Hi-Power (US/Belgium)

Overall, a pretty good-looking gun with a good mid-century charm.  Mostly what makes them cool is their amazing balance.  Holding one, you feel like it’s an extension of your arm.

 26. Makarov PM (Russia)

I like the distinctive and iconic outline of this Russian gun.  Also, the CZ 83 looks enough like it as well.

25. Steyr 1912 (Austria)

With its long slide, this gun has an intimidating appearance.  It was also available in a machine pistol variant.

  24. Beretta Px4 Storm (Italy)

Although, I do like the 92’s better, this does have a distinctive design.  The manual safety, however, is impossible to manipulate.

 23. Beretta 9000 (Italy)

What I like about this fat little pistol is how it combines a modern polymer frame with the classic open slide design that sets Berettas apart.  From what I've heard, though, they're not very good guns.

 22. Mauser 1910 (Germany)

I like this little pocket pistol.  The slide design makes it look very unique.

 21. AMP AutoMag (US)

Ok, if all I can say about the gun is that it looks cool or distinctive, I’ll just stop putting descriptions…

 20. Mauser C96 (Germany)

Very evil-looking, classic German handgun.  Also, it’s Han Solo’s blaster.

 19. Boberg XR-9 (US)

This a clever little design.  Look at how the breech is right above the grip.  This gun uses a new mechanism to pull the round to the back of the gun, making it the pistol equivalent of a bullpup.

 18. My Friend Knuckleduster (US)

I don’t see how this is to be used as a set of brass knuckles, but it still looks cool.

 17. Colt 1860 Army (US)

The Colt Single Action Army is still a classic.  I’ve always preferred the long, svelte frame of these guns.

 16. Pepperbox Revolvers (Various)

Though I’ve heard these were not very practical, they certainly look neat.

 15. IMI Jericho 941 “Baby Eagle” (Israel)

The gun used by Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop.  It’s pretty much a CZ 75 restyled to resemble a Desert Eagle, and is a far more practical alternative to the latter.

 14. Ruger P345 (US)

This is the best-looking Semi-auto that Ruger has come out with since the P90.  I like the smooth, distinctive design, and the side of the frame has a subtle crease which reminds me of the earlier P-Series.  One of the few polymers I find beautiful.  Still, it has a few lawyer-friendly bells and whistles, such as a magazine disconnect safety, that I’m not sure I trust.  It’s nice for Ruger to make guns that can be used in places like California and Massachusetts, but can’t they make a variant for those of us who live in the free states?  

 13. M1911 (US)

A true classic.  Big, solid and well-proportioned, this looks like the quintessential handgun.  I like the double-diamond grips on the original 1911s.  Many variants like the high-capacity 1911's have improved upon this timeless design.  The Kimber CDP looks particularly beautiful.

 12. Walther P38 (Germany)

A great mix of old school and modern design, this has a sinister mystique matched only by the Luger.

 11. Colt Python (US)

Though most revolvers look the same to me, this one stands out.  It’s beautifully proportioned, and I like the little indentation on the frame right in front of the trigger that identifies it as a Colt.

 10. IMI Desert Eagle (US/Israel)

The corvette of handguns: big, powerful and beautiful, but not very practical.  I do like how the slide is basically just the back part of the gun, which gives in a unique look when empty.

9. Browning 1900 (US/Belgium)

Though most gun enthusiasts would call this ugly, I love the way it looks.  The double barreled, humpbacked shape and the low mounting of the barrel make this gun stand out.

8. CZ 52 (Czechloslovakia)

Using the powerful 7.62 Tokarev round, this certainly looks the part of a big, intimidating Commy weapon.

7. Mateba Model 6 Unica (Italy)

Overall, a rather cool, exotic autorevolver.  I like how the barrel is aligned with the bottom of the cylinder.

6. The LeMat Revolver (US)
Half-shotgun, half-revolver, all beauty.

5. Ruger P89/P90 (US)

This is probably the one everyone disagrees with me on.  Most everyone describes them as hideous, but I find them to be well-proportioned and distinctive.  I also like the color coordination of the stainless variants like the one pictured here.

4. CZ 75 (Czechloslovakia)

A great looking gun, with a subtly evil, Eastern European look.  Many people say it just looks like an M1911, but I disagree.  The CZ 75 SP-01 also looks good.

 3. Beretta 92/96 (Italy)

Ah, the perfectly beautiful gun that everyone recognizes.  Apparently, it’s the only gun that John Woo finds attractive.  Every groove on this pistol is perfectly placed, and the open slide sets it apart as a Beretta.  Even the new Beretta 90two does justice to the design, maintaining a unique look while being edgy.  The Auto 9 variant is certainly a very intimidating weapon. 

 2. Luger P08 (Germany)

One of the  most recognizable guns ever made.  The comfortable angle of the grip, the action, the cylindrical barrel, everything about this gun’s appearance is unique and beautiful, and it has a mystique that few guns can claim.

 1. Webley Mk. VI (UK)

Many gun nuts describe this as ugly, but I love the beautiful, Old World charm of this classic British weapon.  The angular shape of the barrel looks great, and the top-break design makes it quicker to reload.  The Enfield No. 2 Mk. 1 is also good looking, as well.