From the Prince of Darkness to the King of Rock: John Carpenter Movies Ranked

One of the masters of horror.  Carpenter is a masterful visual director whose movies have a unique atmosphere and sense of suspense.  He also provides a great synthesized score for most of his films.  Unfortunately, his talent seemed to have waned greatly by the 90’s.

17. Escape from LA

1996

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A rehash of the first movie’s plot except with everything you liked about it turned to s---.  The great effects of the original are replaced by fake bluescreen stunts and CGI so bad it makes the plane crash from Air Force One look like Avatar.  Whatever tone the first one had is sacrificed for overdone camp; everything in this movie is a forced joke.  Even the more complex depiction of statism is replaced by a straw version of the Religious Right.

16. Starman

1984

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I think this movie is what embarrassed Karen Allen into obscurity.  Despite some nice scattered visuals, it’s essentially a pseudoromantic E.T. wannabe.  And like in most cloying movies about obnoxiously idealized aliens, the military wants to blow him up for no reason.  The only relatable character was the balding SETI guy.    

15. Village of the Damned

1995

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A lackluster remake with more cheesy moments than actual scares.  Oddly enough, my seeing commercials for this film as a kid was the first time I heard of Carpenter.

14. Vampires

1998

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It’s an earlier attempt at a modernized take on vampires and vampire hunting, but it’s a pretty lackluster work in general.

13. They Live

1988

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Basically an extreme-left propaganda piece with some nostaligic 50’s scifi trappings.  A particularly ugly movie for its earnest theme of otherizing ideological opponents in the same way we’re increasingly guilty of today.  Any complex commentary is eschewed in favor of extreme Manicheanism.  It’s pretty much everything wrong with The Matrix without any of the style or fun.  Still, there's something to the frustration of the working class man that it taps into.  

12. Prince of Darkness

1987

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The religious edition of the Apocalypse Trilogy is atmospheric, but what ruins it is the one scene in which it’s revealed that the Catholic Church pretty much lied about the basic premise of Christianity.  Having a cameo by Alice Cooper was pretty cool, though, and the movie includes one of his best songs.

 

11. Body Bags

w/Tobe Hooper

1993

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An anthology movie that starts out strong with the straightforward, effective “Gas Station” segment, follows up with the decent and humorous “Hair.”  What brings it down is “The Eye,” a dreadfully dull and silly segment starring Mark Hamill’s bad Southern accent and Twiggy’s even worse Southern accent.  The anthology features many cameos by people like Sam Raimi and Wes Craven.

10. Big Trouble in Little China

1986

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It has some good visuals, but it really didn’t do that much for me.  I really don’t think light-hearted camp is one of Carpenter’s strong suits.

9. Halloween

1978

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I’m not the biggest fan of slasher movies, but this one is very well-directed.  I don’t know enough about horror to know what this movie borrowed from, though.  It deserves more credit for highlighting its promising young director than for inspiring the slasher craze. 

8. Dark Star

1974

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A humorous space movie with some interesting ideas and impressive design for its low budget.  The sapient bombs are a pretty fun idea.

7. Christine

1983

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Good directing makes an overstyled 50’s car look scary.  The best part of the movie is Arnold Cunningham’s (Keith Gordon) descent into obsession, paranoia, and insanity.

6. The Fog 

1980

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A straightforward horror movie with great atmosphere.  Carpenter at his best as a visual director. 

5. Assault on Precinct 13

1976

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A grungy action movie with a low-budget charm that doesn’t pull any punches. 

4. Elvis

1979

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If you’re not a fan of horror movies, I suggest this well-made TV biopic about The King.  Kurt Russell is well cast in the role, which focuses on Elvis’ struggle to establish himself as a classic while dealing with his personal issues.  I just wish there were more Roman candle fights in it. 

3. In the Mouth of Madness

1994

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Carpenter’s take on Lovecraft is probably his most underrated film.  A brief flash of brilliance during his 90’s slump.

2. Escape from New York

1981

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A unique and fun vision of the future of 20 years ago.  An action classic.

1. The Thing

1982

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My favorite horror movie.  A great combination of character-driven paranoia and gore.  Works very well because everyone, including the monster, act rationally.

BONUS ROUND!

Best John Carpenter Scores

14. Village of the Damned

13. Escape from LA

12. Escape from New York

11. Vampires

10. Ghosts of Mars

9. Big Trouble in Little China

8. Christine

7. Halloween III

6. In the Mouth of Madness

5. Prince of Darkness

4. Halloween

3. The Thing (by Ennio Morricone, but pretty much in John Carpenter style.  One of the most undeserved Razzies)

2. Assault on Precinct 13

1. The Fog

 

JJ Abrams Movies Ranked

A competent director who seems to specialize more in nostalgic adaptations than orginal works.

6. Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker
2019
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A movie so muddled and noisy that it makes TLJ look like a good movie.

5. Star Trek

2009

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It has some strengths:  the design of the new Enterprise, Karl Urban’s McCoy, Michael Giacchino’s excellent score, and the first use of good CGI in the Star Trek movies.  Still, it’s an utterly uninspired movie with a bland villain that doesn’t do justice to the franchise.  Abrams made it clear that he was more of a Star Wars fan, and it shows.  It was obvious that he was settling for Trek until he got his opportunity when Disney bought Star Wars.  The attempt to make Star Trek more like Star Wars worked about as well as George Lucas’ attempt to do the opposite with the prequels. 

4. Super 8

2011

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The free-range children trope is not one of my favorites, but I found these kids very likable.  It still doesn’t compensate for this movie’s being not much more than a nostalgia-fueled E.T. wannabe.

3. Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens

2015

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While it was a rehash of A New Hope, it at least demonstrated that Abrams got Star Wars better than he did Star Trek, even if not enough to make a creative story in the universe.  It’s a fun, well-directed movie, and the one thing that stands out as great in it is Kylo Ren, who really does did hold up as a villain. 






2. Star Trek into Darkness

2013

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I seem to have had the opposite reaction everyone else had to the Star Trek reboots, since I thought this was by far the most watchable of the bunch.  This probably drives home that Abrams is not much of a Trekker if his only entertaining adaptation is based on II.  Khan was whitewashed, but he was still a more interesting villain those bozos from the other two movies.  I understand, however, that the movie is overdependent on fanservice and repeats too much from Wrath of Khan.  I would have liked it more if Khan ended up being an ally in this continuity, since it looked like that’s where the plot was headed.

1. Mission: Impossible III

2006

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The best Mission Impossible movie since the first one.  Just as underrated as Ghost Protocol is overrated.  Complex twists, creative stunts, anything you could want in this series.  The late, great Philip Seymour Hoffman is a welcome inclusion, as well.  

Peter Berg Movies Ranked

Peter Berg is a consistent fan of the typical gritty, shakycam style that’s in vogue, but he does it well.  He could be called a bit of a Greengrass wannabe.  He mostly seems to be specializing in patriotic movies starring Mark Wahlberg.  He’s very good at delivering tension, as evident in Deepwater Horizon and Patriots Day.  Those two movies were among my favorites of last year and a refreshing departure from superhero fare.

Hancock

2008

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While it does have many clever ideas, the movie is a confused mess with inconsistent tone issues.  With Berg, this movie has one of misplaced directors I’ve ever seen for movie; his gritty style simply doesn’t work with this concept.  A lackluster villain didn’t help, either.

 

Lone Survivor

2013

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I generally like to support military-themed films that anger the right people, but it felt more like I was doing so out of obligation with this movie.  It was competent but lackluster.  I heard this was supposed to be an accurate depiction of events, but I couldn’t help but be annoyed by the SEALS’ using Berettas  and the use of the Hollywood Silencer sound effect.

Deepwater Horizon

2016

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A great disaster film that does an excellent job racking up the tension.  There were some cheesy moments, like the waking-up beginning and the catfishing speech.  Still amazes me how we can actually drill a hole in the bottom of a gulf and pipe oil from it.

Patriots Day

2016

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Another thrilling depiction of real-life bravery with a great cast.

The Kingdom

2007

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A great action flick with a solid story.  Did a good job of showing how complicated the situation in the Middle East is, and the death of the Saudi policeman was one of the sadder moments I’ve seen in a movie.  Also, Jason Bateman is funny in it.  

PROGRESSION CHART 

Average Rating: 6.8