Star Wars Movies Ranked

Here is my ranking of the (canon) Star Wars movies.  In retrospect the prequels deserve a lot of praise for their daring nature.  In some ways they prove Lucas was a misunderstood visionary, especially in regards to things that apparently made no sense prior to 2008 politics.  I always wondered how people could look to the likes of Dooku and Nute Gunray as saviors from a corrupt system, but then again that’s how Trump got nominated as a populist.  Sometimes when the status quo is so broken, you’ll turn to anyone just for the chance to break the cycle.  Still, George could have used some advisors to tone down his more questionable decisions.  I for one would love to see a remake of the prequels with improved cinematography/effects and fixes for the flaws I will describe below:

 

12. Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker

2019

D: J.J. Abrams

**********

This movie is so bad it makes me angrier than any other on this list.  It’s not even a movie, it’s a cancer, a mass of undifferentiated cinematic tissue.  While easily the worst canon Star War, it’s not the least watchable one.  That honor goes to…

 

11. The Clone Wars

2008

D: Dave Filoni

**********

When this movie came out, it forced even the most vicious critic of the prequel trilogy acknowledge its baseline entertainment value.  At least it introduced Rex and spawned a surprisingly good series.

10. Episode VII – The Force Awakens

2015

D: J.J. Abrams

**********

Passably intertaining, but a shameless rehash of A New Hope.

 

9. Episode VIII – The Last Jedi

2017

D: Rian Johnson

**********

As Johnson’s stans love to keep reminding us, this is literally a Star Wars movie for people who hate Star Wars.  It not only fails at basic narrative competence, it’s riddled with contemptuous parody.  Johnson’s own childishness makes matters worse, but it does have some daring elements that put it over TFA.  

 

8. Episode I – The Phantom Menace

1999

D: George Lucas

**********

While the previous two entries are more watchable, I have to give this movie credit for its creativity and vision.  However, while the scenario is interesting, the characters are mere ciphers for plot convenience.  A big mistake is leaving Obi-Wan on the ship instead of having him be Anakin’s first contact.  Instead, we have Qui-Gon fool doing things that make no sense in order to contrive a big action set piece and pick up Anakin.  Jar Jar didn’t help, either.

 

7. Solo: A Star Wars Story

2018

D: Ron Howard

**********

A fun movie, but a lot of the plot doesn’t make sense, especially in the context of the series.

 

6. Episode II: Attack of the Clones

2002

D: George Lucas

**********

An intriguing and original plot, and far more character-driven than the Phantom Menace.  Obi-Wan is very likable in it.  However, it’s visually the ugliest movie in the series.  I would also improve the romance between Anakin and Padme while toning down the sand people massacre.  Anakin’s fall from grace doesn’t mean much if he was already terrible to begin with.

 

5. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

2016

D: Gareth Edwards

**********

An absurd contrivance meant to fix a “plot hole” with an even bigger one.  The heroes are flat, but the villain is one of the most compelling in the franchise.  All is forgiven, however, because of the Battle of Scarif and the Hallway Scene.

 

4. Episode III – The Revenge of the Sith

2005

D: George Lucas

**********

A very original and compelling plot brought down by a few embarrassing mistakes.  First, Anakin’s slaughter of the younglings is a forced attempt at a dog kick that trivializes and dehumanizes Anakin’s fall, as does the fact that Padme is full-term pregnant when he attempts to kill her for an alleged betrayal.  Other mistakes include the stupid “lost the will to live” rationalization for her death.

 

3. Episode VI – Return of the Jedi

1983

D: Richard Marquand

**********

Has some flaws, especially in regards to the absurd tactics of the space battle, but the arc with Luke and Vader is cinema at its finest.

 

2. Episode IV – A New Hope

1977

D: George Lucas

**********

Revolutionized film by legitimizing genre fiction.  It also has a unique 70’s mystique that none of the other works in the franchise have succeeded at recreating.  

 

1. Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back

1980

D: Irvin Kershner

**********

What can I say? It’s the movie that truly made this a franchise.  A masterpiece and my favorite movie.

 

 

AVERAGE FRANCHINSE RATING: 5.7

BONUS SECTIONS

 

COMPLETE RANKING INCLUDING TV SHOWS 

16. The Rise Of Skywalker

15. The Clone Wars

14. The Force Awakens

13. The Last Jedi

12. The Phantom Menace

11. Rebels

10. Solo

9. The Mandalorian

8. Attack of the Clones

7. Rogue One

6. Revenge of the Sith

5. TCW Series

4. Genndy Tartakovsky’s Clone Wars

3. Return of the Jedi

2. A New Hope

1. Empire Strikes Back

 

Star Wars Directors Ranked

8. J.J. Abrams - 3

7. Dave Filoni – 3

6. Rian Johnson – 4

5. Ron Howard - 5

4. Gareth Edwards - 6

3. George Lucas – 6.25

2. Richard Marquand – 9

1. Irvin Kershner – 10

 

 

Updated Ranking of US Presidents by Star Wars.

6. Donald Trump 

5. Bill Clinton 

4. Barack Obama

3. George W. Bush

2. Ronald Reagan 

1. Jimmy Carter 

A Tragedy Has Occurred...

Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker

2019

D: J.J. Abrams

**********

Pros: Some Good Visuals, One D
ecent Payoff

Cons: Unearned Payoffs, Plot Structure, Sheev’s Back, Disappointing Action

 

 

 

        

    I obviously didn’t expect much out of this movie, but J.J.'s reliability on at least delivering on the action encouraged me to check it out simply for the spectacle.  Granted, I was so jaded at this point that I did not fall for the teases about 3PO and Dark Rey.  Not only was it disappointing, it’s easily the worst movie in Star Wars canon.  While The Last Jedi offends many fanboys for its mistreatment of the lore, this one offends basic filmmaking.  Just thinking about TROS annoys me.  It makes Rian’s contribution almost look like a cinematic masterpiece.

       I have some thoughts to contribute, but first there’s a laundry list of common complaints I agree with.  The pacing never lets you have a genuine character moment.  The once-novel mystery box gimmick is now an excuse for lack of substance, and here it’s an absurd conga line of one MacGuffin after another.  This lack of effective buildup makes the final action scene less epic than intended.  Multiple unearned payoffs.  Making out like they were going to kill off 3PO (Anthony Daniels), which goes nowhere, and his partial memory loss is treated like a lame joke.  Finn (John Boyega) has nothing to do, and even gets a teased love interest with another former stormtrooper (Naomi Ackie), who just ends up getting taken by Lando (Billy Dee Williams).  Poor guy can’t get a break.  Sheev (Ian McDiarmid) is back, thus destroying everything everyone in the OT fought and died for (at least Dark Empire allowed Luke and Co. the opportunity to clean up).  Zorii Bliss (Keri Russell) is a pointless character.  The single-point failure the Star Destroyers in the last battle.  Rey’s naming herself Skywalker despite her most meaningful interactions’ being with the Solos.  The movie forfeits any potentially believable motivation for an Empire by writing a whole new Empire made up of a planet of secret brain-washed psychos.  The list goes on.

      Finn is an interesting case study.  He was hyped up with a promising arc that turned out to be a lie, and by this movie he's primary role is shouting "Rey!" (note this hilarious moment in the trailer in which he's silently doing this while epic music plays).  They reduced him to the level of a supporting character in Org's Odyssey.

      I was also disappointed by Hux’s (Domhnall Gleeson) arc.  The movie eventually reveals that he is a Resistance mole.  This is great because it would explain the character’s apparent incompetence, and his expression during the destruction of the Hosnian System could be read as suppressed horror (an ambiguity similar to Obi-Wan’s face when he lies to Luke in ANH).  Instead, he’s revealed to only be doing this for petty reasons, and is unceremoniously killed off soon after.  It’s a waste of an actor.

        The only payoff in the movie that worked is often read as a discrepancy: Luke’s (Mark Hamill) catching the lightsaber.  It actually makes perfect sense in the context of his arc in TLJ, in which he han overcome his own cynicism.  He intentionally refers to his own past action of throwing the lightsaber away while prevent Rey from doing the same.  Then again, considering how inept Abrams seems to be, it's perfectly believable that this was an intentional jab at Rian's continuity.  The one thing the the damn movie that works and it might just be an accident.

        There are many attempts at awkward fanservice, including ideological ones in the form of a same-sex kiss that was courageously edited out for the Chinese market.  At the end, Chewie (Joonas Suotamo) is gifted with the Medal he should have gotten in ANH.  Apparently Abrams doesn’t realize that the complaint is that he should have gotten it in the first place; it was not something that could be fixed as an afterthought like that.  It’s also cold comfort considering practically everyone Chewie ever cared about is now dead.  The only one left besides the droids is Lando, and there are subtle body language cues in Peter Mayhew’s OT performance that indicate the Chewie may not have liked Lando very much.

 

          The resolution makes no sense as Sheev wants Rey (Daisy Ridley) to kill him so he could possess her, but she kills him anyway.  She’s now a Messianic being who possesses all of the powers of all the Jedi.  This reinforces her Sue status despite the weak afterthought of actually having her make mistakes for the first time ever in the trilogy.  It’s kinda clever that a good guy is descended from Sheev as well as being the ironic means of his defeat, but the execution is off to say the least.  It's also disappointing that she constructs a new lightsaber after the movie's resolution, a milestone which should indicate her readiness for the final battle. 

        The action in the movie is disappointing, choppily edited and anticlimactic.  The space battle lacks focus and specificity, as well as a coherent goal.  The design element is worse than ever.  The TIE Silencer, one of the few things good and holy about TLJ, is replaced with a donked-out TIE Interceptor because to hell with having new things. Kylo Ren’s helmet, sold as an apology for its destruction in the previous movie, is barely worn.  The most shameless design aspect is the Xyston-class Star Destroyer, which is literally the original Star Destroyers (and I mean the Imperial I-class Star Destroyers, which were mostly phased out by ESB).  My theory is that they literally just recycled the 3D models from Rogue One.  With the absurd detail that went into that final battle's CGI, it seems like an odd corner cut.  One of the few designs I like here is the Oubliette-class.     

           Overall, there are some nice shots in the movie, and the first scene on Exegol is brilliantly atmospheric in both sound design and visuals.  The trailers were beautifully scored.  I feel a bit ashamed that my favorite color is used so extensively.  Watching parts of this movie is like getting slammed against the wall with my belly, and just as painful. There’s also plenty of generic teal/orange there, too.  The editing of Carrie Fisher’s footage as Leia is effectively enough done for a postmortem.   The cast doesn’t get much time to have any real performances, and Hayden Christensen is wasted as a momentary sound bite.  The cast includes Harrison Ford, Oscar Isaac, Richard E. Grant, Lupita Nyong’o, Kelly Marie Tran, Dominic Monaghan, Jimmy Vee, Warwick David, John Williams, Michael Giacchino, Karl Urban, Kevin Smith, Liam Neeson, and practically every remaining Jedi actor in that stupid final soundbite.  Abrams himself voices the adorable D-O, who acts like he was abused by his previous owner. 

          This may not seem like a thorough, proper review, but, then again, this wasn’t a thorough, proper movie.  While The Last Jedi didn’t give Abrams much to work with, there was still no excuse for how atrocious TROS was.  Its so bad even the Woke are split over it.  

The Beginning of the End...

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens

2015

D: J.J. Abrams

**********

Pros: Great Cast, Some Good Action, Villain with Potential

Cons: Derivative Plot and Design, Anticlimactic, Overpowered Heroine, Tone

 

 

 

        At first it seemed like Disney’s Star Wars was a breath of fresh air.  We were finally going back to what made the franchise worked.  Unfortunately, we got too much of what we wanted with The Force Awakens.  It was a shameless rehash of the first movie and it set the trend for Disney’s unimaginative policy of fanservice.  In retrospect, the prequels are admirable for their originality and vision.

      The most obvious display of this lack of originality is the basic conflict between the Rebel Alliance Resistance and the Empire First Order.  Driven by nostalgia (a nice way to put it), Abrams sought to contrive a situation in which we can have the good ol’ underdog story of the Galactic Civil War.  He created a band of Neo-Imperials called the First Order who presumably control some space.  Despite having a formidable fleet and a super-Death Star, the New Republic doesn’t see this as enough of a threat to do anything other than noncommittally support a Resistance led by General Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher).  Being an ass, I can’t help but read this as some sort of liberal Freudian Slip betraying a tendency to pretend they’re the Rebellion when it’s painfully obvious they’re the Empire with an intensity rivaled only by people who don't like licorice.  It’s also ironic for liberals to aestheticize the tragedy of having one’s child turning against you ideologically.  More likely Abrams is just an unimaginative hack.  So much for having an interesting new conflict now that the good guys are The Man.  The First Order also lacks the credibility of the Empire, which provided order after a corrupt Republic and a massive war.  They just come off like mustache-twirling asses who want to start a war and oppress people for the hell of it.

      A further reflection of this is the movie’s design.  Instead of a natural evolution based on established lore, the movie literally goes backwards in its ships.  Not only are there no new TIE designs, they actually reverted back to the original straight-winged layout.  They now have X-Wings that are barely distinguishable from the originals.  So much of the design is the utilitarian look of the original trilogy, not realizing that that was a reflection of the Dark Times of the Empire.  One exception is the Resurgent-class Star Destroyer, which is a good update with some practical rationale (the Executor’s destruction made them reconsider a prominent command tower).  I think there should be an acknowledged distinction between Regressive and Progressive Fanservice.  Progressive Fanservice is a continuity that maintains the spirit of the lore (Bond’s upgrading to a Walther P99 in Tomorrow Never Dies), while Regressive fanservice is an in-universe step backwards (Bond’s reverting to a Walther PPK in Quantum of Solace).  I can’t help but think that Chrysler is pretty bad at this, as well.

 

          The cinematography also betrays a cluelessness in spite of J.J.’s fanboy ambitions.  The Empire’s symbolic monochrome is replaced by a slick, high saturation digital coloration.  I love this aesthetic in general, but it’s also out of place in a franchise known for visual grit.  The clean look was more fitting for Star Trek.  At the same time, the cinematography’s weaknesses are more apparent when the movie must look earthy; the desert scenery seems oddly bland.  Special effects, on the other hand, are superb, with a great mix of practical and CGI.  John Williams’ score is less original than his work in the prequels, but it had its moments (guess which one was nominated for an Oscar?).  The lack of originality permeates the whole production. 

           The disappointment is confirmed by the choice of protagonist.  Character arcs would have been more important than design, and this movie still simply hits the recycle button.  Redeemed stormtrooper FN-2187/”Finn” (John Boyega) was clearly hyped up to become a Jedi protagonist, but ended up being reduced to a comic relief sidekick just for the sake of a twist.  I’m not sure if the promised arc was already done in the EU, but it’s certainly a fresh take I would have loved to see.  Word to the wise: if your misdirection is better than the actual plot, that’s terrible misdirection.  What’s even more frustrating is that it demonstrates that Disney can come up with original ideas, if only to intentionally set us up for disappointment.  Finn’s cowardice through the second act could have been justified if it was a reflection of his reluctance to take up arms against his former comrades, but that’s discredited by the glee with which he kills them.  It would have been nice to have him act like the experienced soldier he supposedly is.  At least Jar Jar’s buffoonery made some sense.

        As it turns out, the real main character is Rey (Daisy Ridley), an overpowered female version of Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), who has little going for her other than baseline likability and Ridley’s energetic performance.  She could have had good potential as protégé to Han (Harrison Ford) or maybe to Resistance fighter pilot Poe Dameron (a charismatic but under-utilized Oscar Isaac).  In a rare flash of artistic competence, Abrams gives her a phenomenally good character intro.  An effective smash to her scene, great show-don’t-tell exposition that gives us a glimpse into her background, personality, and ambitions. Just another set-up for disappointment, it turns out.

         More compelling is Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), the son of Leia and Han.  He was corrupted by ersatz Palpatine Snoke (Andy Serkis) and idolizes Darth Vader.  I like emotionally unstable villains, as well as the idea that Vader’s grandson might erroneously imitate him.  There’s also a lot of tragedy in the idea that your own child could become the very evil you’ve dedicated your entire life fighting against.  You could see how this destroyed Han and Leia’s relationship, considering how their love ended up leaving the Galaxy a worse place than it found it.  Ren also has some of the better design elements.  His costume is cool, and his lightsaber, for all the flak it gets, is a perfect example of design in service of character.  The medieval quillons reflect his Manichean attitude and the unstable blade represents his emotional stability.  It also makes an agonized shriek when ignited.  In contrast, Maul’s double lightsaber symbolizes his getting into a fight with two other guys.  Other lightsabers that get an honorable mention are Dooku’s sophisticated design and Sheev’s ornamental hilt.  Unfortunately, it’s revealed that Ren’s real name is Ben Solo, a cringe example of regressive fanservice.  This is a perfect example of projecting fans’ priorities onto characters.  It would make more sense if Leia had named her son after her father, rather than some magic hobo her brother knew once.  This self-reference isn’t what made people love Star Wars, it was the actions of the characters in-universe.  This also reminds me of Chrysler’s ignoring the established naming system of the 300 series, calling the new model the 300C, while naming its performance sedan the Charger, as opposed to the Monaco or Coronet.  

        Instead of the awesomeness of seeing Leia as a Jedi, the movie reverts to her being a military leader yet again.  Meanwhile, Han Solo and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew, Joonas Suotamo) are back to being lovable, lawless scoundrels, albeit more humorously inept.  Not only does Abrams want the old smuggler back, he doesn’t even take that old character seriously.  The movie even cluelessly features Leia’s saying they both went back to “the only things we were ever good at,” contradicting her statement that Han was a “natural leader” and “great help” to the Alliance.  Still, despite how anticlimactic this is, Han’s character makes sense here.  I’ve pointed this out before, but Han is the lover while Leia is the fighter.  It was he who talked her into acknowledging their love.  I think it’s a good reflection of temperament and personality, Leia and Luke are Anakin’s children and therefore are natural fighters; Han was forced to harden due to a rough background, but his temperament may have always been sensitive.  I fully believe that he would be so broken by his Ben’s betrayal that he would give up rather than fight him (while Leia continues to do the latter).  I also believe that he would risk his life to save his son’s soul.  

          Luke spends the majority of the movie disappeared.  I don’t know why people were so surpriseded by his depiction in TLJ when it was so heavily foreshadowed in this movie that he had given up.  His location is treated as a MacGuffin, and when Rey locates him the movie ends with a wordless confrontation between them.  It’s one of the movie’s more effective moments.

          The movie’s ersatz Yoda is Maz Kanata (Lupita Nyong’o), who doesn’t do much other than provide inciting exposition for Rey’s arc.  She’s one of those Disney Wars characters who’s suspiciously been around the whole time without doing anything.  Gwendoline Christie plays the anticlimactic Captain Phasma.  Domhnall Gleeson plays General Hux, who seems a bit young for an O-7.  BB-8 (puppeteered by Dave Chapman and Brian Herring) is a cute droid who’s nothing more than almost exact copy of R2 (Jimmy Vee, consulted by Kenny Baker) in personality. The rest of the cast includes Anthony Daniels as C-3PO, Max von Sydow, Kiran Shah, Warwick Davis, Simon Pegg, and Daniel Craig and Michael Giacchino as stormtroopers.

        The movie’s action is overall pretty good.  Despite the awful plot twist that occurs during it, the lightsaber fight is one of the better ones, emphasizing brutality over choreography.  A nice touch is Kylo’s punching himself to distract from the pain of an earlier wound. There is also a cool shot of Poe’s trouncing a bunch of TIE’s in an X-Wing.  Unfortunately, the movie has a phoned-in rehash of the trench run from ANH that’s reduced to background noise.  The Force Awakens also features some gaping plotholes in the form of Poe’s unexplained disappearance and reappearance, as well as the mysterious presence of Anakin’s lightsaber.  The comic relief feels far too forced for a serious moive and causes serious tonal problems, a testament to Whedon’s corruption of the genre.

       The Force Awakens was also a watershed moment in the aesthetic aspect of the culture wars.  While the SJW movement was already alive and well, it still cared about quality in fiction.  Believe it or not, radfems were just as annoyed by Mary Sues as anybody else, decrying them as insulting.  Unfortunately, these people figured out that gaslighting us on basic things like plotholes was yet another exercise in power.  Perhaps what triggered this was not only TFA, but Fury Road of the same year.  The latter turned out to be well-liked because it was a well-executed feminist work.  They learned that in order to be self-righteous about this stuff, they’d have to start praising terrible work, because we apparently can’t be trusted to dislike feminism in fiction.   

         The Force Awakens was disappointing, but it did have some potential that was squandered by The Last Jedi.  I even remember liking Episode VII when it came out due to the refreshing nostalgia and some well-executed aspects.  Unlike Star Trek, it was entertaining and had characterization, which reflected that, for all his ineptitude, Abrams had more passion for a Galaxy Far, Far Away than Boldly Going Where No Man Has Gone Before.

A Remnant of a Time Long Past...

Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead

1995

D: Gary Fleder

**********

Pros: Great Cast, A Couple Funny Lines

Cons: Contrived Attempts at Humor, Edginess

 

 

       Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead is a sort of time capsule.  It’s clearly a wannabe Pulp Fiction, and it has largely been forgotten.  Perhaps I am abusing my status as an amateur reviewer by digging it up from its well-deserved oblivion, but I’m willing to take responsibility for the consequences of my decision.  

       The movie begins with Bernard’s (Michael Nicolosi) unsuccessful attempt to kidnap a small child from a playground with plans to rape her.  His father, a quadriplegic crime boss known as The Man with the Plan (Christopher Walken) is in denial over his son’s being a pedophile and rationalizes that he is merely depressed after his girlfriend (Sarah Trigger) has left him.  Therefore he summons a group of wise guys to intimidate her new boyfriend Bruce (Josh Charles) into breaking up with her.  The group is led by Jimmy the Saint (Andy Garcia, once again typecast in his recurring role as Actor in Need of New Agent; he’s quite good in it to be honest, though), a mobster trying to break good.  His current attempt at going legal is a service in which terminally ill people videotape themselves for their infant children.  This is ironic considering that this business, a thing directly out of one of Lindsay’s schemes from Arrested Development, and is so pointless even Homer knows better than to waste money on it, makes more sense as a money laundering scheme.

         The people on Jimmy’s team, like almost everyone else in the movie, are given cute nicknames in the movie’s many weak attempts at cleverness.  The group consists of Olden Polymeros (Christopher Lloyd), named “Pieces” because he has leprosy, Francis “Big Bear Franchise” Chiser (William Forsythe), Earl “Easy Wind” Denton (Bill Nunn), and axe-crazy “Critical Bill” Doolittle (Treat Williams), who puts people in critical condition because he's crazy.  Other people with nicknames include Baby Sinister (Glenn Plummer) and Rooster (Don Cheadle).  “Jimmy the Saint” sounds like a generic mob name, but it’s actually a reference to a Bruce Springsteen song, which actually makes things even more cringe.

         During this action, Critical Bill, being crazy, loses his temper and murders Bruce, causing Meg to flee in fear (Bill himself eventually calls Jimmy out on the stupidity of hiring him in the first place).  Pieces, despite being depicted as one of the sensible characters, impulsively turns and shoots at the commotion behind him, killing her.  Enraged, TMWTP orders a hit on the entire team.  He hires one man army Mr. Shhh (a hilariously miscast Steve Buscemi) to hunt them all down.  I’ve noticed that there’s a direct correlation between a movie’s quality and the realization that Steve Buscemi is not creepy or intimidating.  He’s ugly cute, if anything.  Then again, he is a firefighter in real life, so he is a bit of a badass anyway.  As Mr. Shhh kills the team, Jimmy defiantly kills Bernard and submits to his fate, but not before recording a message for unborn child from his love interest Lucinda (Fairuza Balk). 

          In addition to the mob-based premise, this movie solidifies itself as trend-chaser with its forced edginess and myriad of crude gimmicks, only lacking Tarantino’s skill and wit.  A big deal is made of characters’ being shot up the posterior, Easy Wind denounces Critical Bill and a “brown boy” (i.e. a coprophage), and “itty bitty titty” is used in reference to potential victims of pedophilia.  There are many attempts to present and then define slang, and it’s surprising some of the terms are real.  There are only a handful of actually funny lines.  Not sure why Easy Wind would be so offended by Bill’s habit as to hate him, disgusting as it is, though.  

          Things to Do in Denver when You’re Dead is a long-forgotten movie, and deservedly so.  Just a fair warning in case you think it might be a hidden gem. 

 

 

 

QUOTES

 

THE MAN WITH THE PLAN: She can’t nurse worth shit, but I keep her on because, even though I don’t feel it, I know I get erections in her presence.

 

BABY SINISTER: The fact of the matter is, by the year 2000 every city will be black.  Thanks to the fax, modem, conference call, Federal F—king Express, the Beast will be able to conduct his business from his home in the white suburbs leaving the city a great wide warzone full of nuclear brothers.

ROOSTER: That’s what I’m saying man, the fax, modem, FTD…

BABY SINISTER: What the f—k you talking about, FTD?

ROOSTER: You got to have flowers in the war zone, baby.

 

BABY SINISTER: What do you think, huh, you think we just give him up, like I was your house n-----? 

ROOSTER: Yeah, does he look like your house n-----, punk?

BABY SINISTER: Will you shut the f--- up for eleven seconds? 

 

THE MAN WITH THE PLAN: Beg me, or I let you suck my dead dick in return for you life.  Beg!

JIMMY THE SAINT: No!

LT. ATWATER: Beg, asshole!

THE MAN WITH THE PLAN: Take out my dick.  Atwater.  Take it out!  Take it out!

Lightsaber Fights Ranked

I'm limiting myself to duels from the canon movies.  The aspects on which I'm grading aren't necessarily going to average into the overall ranking.

Of course there are 

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

21. REY vs. HERSELF

Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Winner: N/A

A cheap knock-off of the cave scene from Empire.  Instead of subtle forshadowing, it’s obvious messaging about Rey’s well-established doubts.  It’s short-lived and features a silly, gimmicky lightsaber.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C-

PASSION: C-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: D

CHOREOGRAPHY: D

MUSIC: D-

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: D-

 

 

 

20. ANAKIN vs. DOOKU

The Clone Wars

Winner: Draw

Spoils the supposed gap between Round 1 and Round 2.  Mostly seemed like filler.  

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: D-

PASSION: D

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C-

CHOREOGRAPHY: C+

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B

 

 

 

19. OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN vs. DOOKU, ROUND 1

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Winner: Dooku

A mostly forgettable fight that didn’t do much other than establish that Anakin is rash and Dooku is powerful.  At least it does provide our heroes with a setback and a setup for the rematch.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C+

PASSION: D+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C

CHOREOGRAPHY: C-

MUSIC: C

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B-

  

18. YODA vs. SHEEV

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Sheev

Despite an amusing moment at the beginning, it’s mostly pointless and overly gimmicky.  I said before that Yoda’s appearance in the prequels spoiled his mystique, and it doesn’t make much sense for him to fare worse against Sheev than Mace does.  The fight also divides our attention between itself and Obi-Wan vs. Vader, Round 1.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C

PASSION: D+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B+

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: B-

SCENERY: B+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

 

17. REY vs. KYLO REN

Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Winner: Kylo

The fight in TFA gave me unrealistically high hopes.  This one is underwhelming, and the choreography isn’t much to write home about.  In one notable moment Kylo starts using his lightsaber underhanded, but it’s not stylized like it is with Ahsoka, so it looks just as stupid as would look if someone tried that in real life.  Surprisingly, he ends up getting the drop on Rey, who gives him a chair to the back when Leia distracts him from the entrance.  This may reduce Rey’s Sue status, but these efforts to do so in TROS are too little, too late.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C

PASSION: C

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B-

CHOREOGRAPHY: C-

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: A

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B

16. OBI-WAN vs. ASAJJ VENTRESS 

The Clone Wars

Winner: Draw

Decent choreography and scenery but completely pointless.  There’s no investment and they pretty much call the fight off when the mission objective leaves the system.  I wonder if that factored into Sheev's decision to eventually throw her under the bus.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: B

PASSION: F

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A-

CHOREOGRAPHY: B+

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: A-

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A- 

15. REY and KYLO REN vs. THE PRAETORIAN GUARD

Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

Winners: Rey and Kylo

After Ben gives Snoke a chair to the back, this ensues.  The choreography is laughable from a conflict point of view, but this could have worked brilliantly as a cathartic action scene with appropriate music, and a plot that actually went somewhere afterward.  The character significance is somewhat spoiled by the lack of cooperation between the two until Rey saves Ben's butt at the end.  A frustrating and not-often criticized problem in modern movies is that filmmakers have forgotten how to score epic, cathartic action.  They think that all you need for such scenes is a motif for the buildup before you downplay the music when the action starts.  No, no, no.  You keep that shit going.  Watching heroes finally overcome evil after a grind is not satisfying without the sound.  Still, the buildup is cool, and I like the blood red motif of the scenery.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: D-

PASSION: A-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C

CHOREOGRAPHY: C

MUSIC: F

SCENERY: A-

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

 

14. YODA vs. DOOKU

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Winner: Yoda

Pointless, but cool.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: F

PASSION: F

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: D

CHOREOGRAPHY: A

MUSIC: C

SCENERY: C

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

13. REY vs KYLO REN

Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Winner: DRAW

Watching Rey and Kylo fight pointlessly was tedious considering that their relationship should have developed in a significant way at the end of TLJ.  The use of scenery transitioning and mixing together looked cool, though.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: F

PASSION: B+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B-

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: B-

SCENERY: A

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

12. QUI-GON vs. MAUL: ROUND 1

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Winner: Maul

In the first chronological lightsaber fight of the series, Qui-Gon faces off alone with Maul right before they leave Tatooine.  After leaving Anakin in the heroically running ahead of Anakin while being pursued, he faild to beat the Sith apprentice because he’s Qui-Gon.  He’s forced to flee like a punk as the Nubian flies away.  It’s subtle foreshadowing of how the next fight goes.  Editing’s a bit choppy, but the music is good. 

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C+

PASSION: C

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C-

CHOREOGRAPHY: C+

MUSIC: A-

SCENERY: C

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: D

 

11. OBI-WAN vs. GRIEVOUS

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Obi-Wan

The editing is incoherent, and Grievious doesn’t put up much of a fight, but his sense of style and leitmotif makes this one of the more memorable fights.  Too bad Grievous isn't as badass as he is in Clone Wars.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: B-

PASSION: C-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: D

CHOREOGRAPHY: D-

MUSIC: A

SCENERY: D+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: F

 

10. QUI-GON AND OBI-WAN vs. MAUL

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Winners: Maul, then Obi-Wan

A fun, highly choreographed fight that had a nice anyone-can-die element.  Still it mostly lacked a raw emotionality til the end.  The environment seemed a bit forced, especially those shields that serve no apparent purpose.  Great score.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: B+

PASSION: C+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: B+

MUSIC: A+

SCENERY: C

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

 

9. LUKE vs. KYLO

Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

Winner: Luke (kinda)

In this faceoff, the Kylo and Co. are strutting about the ring intimidating everyone when Finn comes up to challenge them, only to get a chair to the back from Rose.  Kylo and Hux’s reveling at that is short lived as the stadium goes dark and Luke Skywalker appears with fireworks and rock music.  Agitated, Kylo still reluctantly fights him but never lands a blow, only because Luke is playing with him.

    It’s a fun scene even though it’s based on cheating the lore of the force.  It’s enhanced by great cinematography from Steve Yedlin, and the binary sun is a nice touch at the end.  Also has a good buildup theme.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C-

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: A-

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

 

 

8. REY and FINN vs. KYLO REN

Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Winner: Rey

It seems JJ took notes during Mr. Plinkett’s videos, because this fight eschews choreography for visceral brutality while taking advantage of the surprisingly novel environment.  As a result, it’s one of the more enjoyable duels from an action perspective.  One nice touch is Kylo’s punching himself as a distraction from the pain of his bowcaster wound and using the quillons to torture Finn during the fight.  Excellent sound design as well.

Unfortunately, the plot development here is atrocious.  We were hyped up to see Finn, a former stormtrooper, become a Jedi, and instead, we got a female version of Luke.  Even more egregiously, Rey manages to win despite the experience deficit between her and Ren.  

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: F

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A-

CHOREOGRAPHY: A

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

 

 

7. OBI-WAN vs. VADER, ROUND 2

Episode IV: A New Hope

Winner: Vader

Although underwhelming from a choreography standpoint, it makes sense for both parties to be cautious. Obi-Wan’s death has significance for Luke, but the passion between to two foes wasn’t even properly established yet.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: D-

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: C+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

 

6. OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN vs. DOOKU, ROUND 2

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Dooku, then Anakin

After Dooku defeats Obi-Wan, Anakin bests him then reluctantly executes him at Sheev’s behest.  Dooku’s death is brutal, and Anakin’s deed mirrors the temptation that Luke resisted in ROTJ.  The “too dangerous to be allowed to live” line came up later as proof of the Jedi’s hypocrisy in Anakin’s eyes.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B-

CHOREOGRAPHY: B-

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: B+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: C+

 

 

 

 

 

5. MACE WINDU et. al. vs. SHEEV

Episdode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Mace 

The scene that triggered Anakin’s fall.  Mace brings a bunch of Jedi to arrest Sheev after finding out he’s the villain, but they must have been dead weight because they’re all dispatched within a minute.  Mace then beats Sheev in a fair fight until Anakin comes in with a chair to the back.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: A-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: D+

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

4. LUKE vs. HIMSELF

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Loser: Luke

A horror scene in which Luke faces off against a vision he mistakes for Vader, but turns out to be a representation of himself.  The scene foreshadows the twist and Luke’s lack of preparation for it and has great atmosphere to boot.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: A

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B+

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: A-

SCENERY: A

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

 

 

3. OBI-WAN vs VADER, ROUND 1

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Obi-Wan

While one of the best fights in parts, it’s brought down significantly by the cartoonish choreography when they take it outside.  When they’re jumping on platforms and swinging on cables, I almost expected to hear cartoon music. However, before that point it has some of the best choreography.  It’s brutal and visceral, with a sense of anger and hatred between the two, especially during the pre-fight buildup.  Good music.  It eventually ends with a shock.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A+

PASSION: A+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: A

MUSIC: A+

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

 

 

2. LUKE vs. VADER, ROUND 2

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Winner: Luke

The majority of the fight is a stalemate, with neither party wanting to hurt the other too much.  It’s not until Vader pushes Luke too far emotionally that the latter comes at him with everything he’s got.  Vader even manages a shocked expression when he realizes how screwed he is.  No other fight in the series matches the finale for raw fury, and the score helps, too.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A+

PASSION: A+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A

CHOREOGRAPHY: B-

MUSIC: A+

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

 

 

 

 

1. LUKE vs. VADER, ROUND 1

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Winner: Vader

Is there any lightsaber fight that can truly compete with this one?  Great scenery combines a high-tech setting with fantasy atmosphere, perfectly edited.  Unlike most of these, in which choreography is stylish, no action is without meaning in this cat-and-mouse game.  It’s suspenseful with a shocking climax.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A+

PASSION: A+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A+

CHOREOGRAPHY: A+

MUSIC: B-

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

WIN/LOSS

Qui-Gon - 0:2

Praetorian Guard - 0:2

Finn - 0:1

Agen - 0:1

Saisee - 0:1

Kit - 0:1

Grievous - 0:1

Dooku - 2:2

Luke - 2:2

Obi-Wan - 3:3

Anakin/Vader - 3:3

Yoda - 1:1

Kylo - 3:2

Maul - 2:1

Rey - 2:1

Sheev: 4:1

Mace: 1:0

AVERAGE RATING BASED ON RANK (LOWER NUMBER = BETTER)

Original Trilogy - 3.5

Prequel Trilogy - 10.9

Sequel Trilogy - 13.8

TCW - 18

Prequel +TCW - 12.2