While most mediocre directors at least seem to be
earnest, Bay doesn’t seem to care about the movies he makes, a trait I find
particularly irksome. His best work is
the Aaron Burr milk commercial.
12. “Transformers”
2007
**********
As someone who considers these characters part of my
childhood, I was disappointed when, after all that build-up, they were nothing
more than gag “characters.” Aside from
not allowing the Transformers to be protagonists in their own movie, Bay also
sullied my childhood memories with inappropriately crude humor. It was very clear that they didn’t give a
crap.
11. “Transformers:” Revenge of the Fallen
2009
**********
While the more improved action sequences make this movie
marginally more fun than its predecessor, that doesn’t help much. It’s very much like the first “Transformers” on crack: the action is
given a boost, but unfortunately so is the racist and juvenile comic relief.
10. Pearl Harbor
2001
**********
Quite possibly the most insulting war movie I’ve ever
seen. Yet another Historical Love
Triangle movie. I’m usually not a
stickler for fake accents, but Ben Afflecks Southern accent is beyond
awful. At least it produced a good soundtrack and this
hilarious song.
9. “Transformers:” Dark of the Moon
2011
**********
Sam Witwicky and Jeong’s character where thankfully the
only truly irritating aspects of this movie.
The action had its moments, but it was really long and tedious toward
the end. The movie is mediocre, but it’s
the first of Bay’s “Transformers”
movies I did not actively despise.
8. “Transformers:” The Last Knight
2017
**********
Incredibly tedious and overly long. So formulaic that it this point you can
actually guess what happens.
7. The Island
2005
**********
How can you waste a cast that includes Steve Buscemi,
Sean Bean, Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johanssen and Djimon Hounsou? Well, you do if you’re Michael Bay. Particularly bad is the movie’s team of
moronic team of mercenaries who all have the collective intelligence of one
domestic turkey. The movie’s premise is
also suspiciously similar to that of an
MST3K movie, and the MST3K
movie is better. At least the score is
very good.
6. Armageddon
1998
**********
Awesome score. Bad
movie.
5. Bad Boys II
2003
**********
The movie has some good action (including an excellent
car chase scene), but its vulgar sense of humor brings it down. I might have been more prepared for the
awfulness of “Transformers” if I had
watched this movie beforehand. Not really interested in watching the first movie.
4. “Transformers:” Age of Extinction
2014
**********
It’s not the real movie, but I found it to be
surprisingly passable. Mark Wahlberg’s
replacing Shia LaBeouf helps a great deal, and the vulgar humor if finally
toned down to a tolerable level. I’m
confident that this and The Last Knight are the “best” of this series, but my
judgment of the two might be somewhat skewed.
Aside from the low expectations set by the previous movies, I also
watched this one in multiple sittings, which made it more tolerable. Conversely, I watched Last Knight right after
watching another movie in the theatre, so that didn’t help.
3. Pain & Gain
2013
**********
This would have been a great dark comedy if it weren’t
tastelessly based on a real life tragedy.
The vicious killers were reimagined as lovable buffoons (with the
exception of Wahlberg’s character), and their victims were made out to be like
jerks so we could find the crime more amusing.
2. The Rock
1996
**********
1. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
2016
**********
A solid, well-made war movie in which Bay’s stylistic
quirks are surprisingly effective. I had
no idea that Bay was actually capable of making such a movie. Unlike what many hacks claimed, it did
not politicize the event very much at all. Unfortunately it did not give local Libyan forces their due credit.
 |
| Average: 4.1 |
