"Classic" Songs That I Hate

A list of popular songs I hate.  Usually unavoidable because of their permanence in our cultural consciousness.  Here are few qualifying factors for the list.

·         I’m not putting songs are just overused or played out (“Louie, Louie,” “Iron Man,” “Halleluja,” “Moonlight Sonata,” “Freebird,” etc.), I actually have to dislike the song and disagree with its popularity in the first place.  I'm also not including songs that have unwittingly inspired annoying memes, like "Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be [insert group I disapprove of]"

·         The cut-off year is 2000.  As tempted as I am to include “Everything is Awesome” or a Paramore song, they’re not tested enough by time.

·         Fad songs that fizzled out fast (“The Macarena,” “Who Let the Dogs Out?”).  The songs have to have undeservedly stood the test of time.

·         No, “Stairway to Heaven” is not on this list, because "Stairway to Heaven" is actually a good song.

One of my quirks that I usually don’t give a crap how good the lyrics are, unless maybe they’re genuinely offensive.  I generally judge music by the way it sounds, so I really couldn’t care less if any of these songs defined a generation with their message or not (I suspect that’s #2’s claim to fame).  There are, however two exceptions on this list in which the lyrics/messages are so terrible that I don’t actually don’t care that the song sounds pretty good.

29. “Bring Him Home”

Claude-Michel Schönberg, Les Misérables (1985)

I usually enjoyed this song for the great vocals, but then when I was sitting through in the 2012 movie I realized something: this song is really, really boring.  It drags on monotonously and its only purpose seems to be to show off the performer’s singing voice.

28. Most of Weird Al Yankovic’s Covers

“Weird Al” Yankovic

I often listened to my dad’s cassette track of Weird Al’s “Smells Like Nirvana,” but that was only because I didn’t have access to the original.  I know I’m supposed to venerate Weird Al for my geek cred, but I honestly don’t think that “changing a song’s lyrics so it’s just about something else” qualifies as a “joke.”  Ironically, Weird Al actually is funny when he’s not doing that.  One exception to this is parts of “Amish Paradise.” “A local boy kicked me in the butt last week/I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek/I really don't care, in fact I wish him well/'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell” is a pretty good satire of personally nice people who worship an unjust manifestation of God.

27. “Margaritaville”

Jimmy Buffett, 1977

Basically a boring song about drunkenness.  Not to mention the dissonance between the lyrics and the upbeat sound.

26. “Escape” (The Pina Colada Song)

Rupert Holmes, 1979

Yeah, this is a pretty popular choice for a list like this so I don’t have much to add.

25. “Like a Virgin”

Madonna, 1984

Madonna’s voice is terrible, and she never deserved fame in the first place.

  

24. “Here I Go Again”

Whitesnake, 1982

This song is like a strawman version of hair metal made by someone who thinks hair metal is bland.

23. “I Wanna Rock N Roll All Night”

KISS, 1975

You’d think a band that goes up on stage dressed up like devils would make an edgier sounding song than this.  Well, I guess they were okay aside from this one. 

22. “Signs”

Five Man Electrical Band, 1971

This is one of my exceptions to the rule of judging songs by the way the sound.  This song sounds okay, but they lyrics are insufferable, preachy hippie dreck.

21. “Black Dog”

Led Zeppelin

An uncharacteristically bland song from a great band.

20. “Groovin’”

The Young Rascals, 1967

I usually love good, mellow oldies, but for some reason I find this song numbing rather than relaxing.

19. “Star and Stripes Forever”

John Philip Sousa, 1896

Sousa is the Bruce Springsteen of classical music.  With few exceptions, I’ve always found American patriotic music pompous and saccharine.  Contrast this with the badassery of Soviet marches.  I guess that’s the price you pay to live in a free country: most of the talent is working privately. 

18. “Still Rock and Roll to Me”

Billy Joel, 1980

Most of us on some level relate to the nostalgia of good ol’ days, but the real irony of this song is that many of us (including myself) are nostalgic for the very things Joel is singing against.  The rejection of the new makes him look like a cranky old man complaining about the kids on his lawn.  Still, this would be forgivable if the song actually sounded good, which it doesn’t.  Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” has pretty much the same attitude, but it’s a fun song to listen to. 

17. “Only the Good Die Young”

Billy Joel, 1977

If you can get past the cloying, bland sound and read the lyrics, it’s actually a rather offensive song about a guy’s attempting to seduce and deflower a good Catholic girl.  I mean if you’re going to be that edgy, at least have the decency to make the song sound edgy.  Too bad moral guardians are more offended by metal's ironic Satanism and rap's empty threats. 

15. “Even Flow”

Pearl Jam, 1992

Grunge is supposed to sound somber, but you simply don’t get that impression from a singer who sounds like Foghorn Leghorn doing karaoke.  I’m not sure how this band gets respect when it sounds so much like, well, Creed.  Personally I think grunge was an overrated genre.  Sure Nirvana and Alice in Chains were ok, but the greatest contribution the whole genre made was one song that’snot even considered characteristic of it.  Generation X may seems to be pretty proud of grunge, but they seem to overestimate how little anyone else really cares for it.  It’s like their dubstep.

15. The National Anthem
John Stafford Smith, 1773

Look, I’m not criticizing what our country stands for, but from a musical standpoint “The Star Spangled Banner” (originally “To Anacreon in Heaven”) is a terrible song.  In fact “song” is a pretty generous description for it; it’s more like a teratoma of discordant low and high notes.  As a result it’s notoriously hard to perform.  What’s more, the melody is completely incompatible with the rhyming scheme of Francis Scott Key’s poem, changing it from ABABCCDD to ABCDEBFDGHIHJKLK.  I don’t see this opinion as unpatriotic.  If American is great then maybe it deserves a better national anthem.

15. “Everyday People”

Sly and the Family Stone, 1968

I love how Toyota completely killed this song and wore its skin.  As far as I’m concerned, though, they can have it.  It’s not a particularly good song anyway.

14. “Hooked on a Feeling”

Blue Swede, 1974

I was so happy when Guardians of the Galaxy trailers were finally off the internet and movie screens, as they kept assaulting me with nasal sonic waves of pain through this song.  They should have used the original 1968version, which is actually pretty good.  Fortunately, the sequel used music much better.

13. “Let’s Get It On”

Marvin Gaye, 1973

It’s a Hollywood cliché.  Guy’s about to have sex with woman, and then this song starts up.  Yet despite its universally acknowledged connotation, I’ve always had a problem with this song: It doesn’t actually sound like sex.  I’ve always believed that music should convey the emotion through its sound effectively, and I believe this song fails at that.  Sexy songs should be energetic, edgy, or smooth, but this song is neither.  There’s a strained, tortured quality to the vocals that suggests to me something else.  This doesn’t sound like a man who’s enjoying sex with woman; this is a man who’s forcing himself to have sex with a woman to prove he’s not gay.   Don’t get me wrong though; I generally like Marvin Gaye’s work.

12. Most Post-Vatican II Hymns
Catholicism, circa 1965-
For all its strengths, the council was an aesthetic disaster, opening up the opportunity to replace rich liturgy and its beautiful music with bland minimalism and cacophony.  In order to be hip, they decided to give the kids what they really wanted, which was...sappy folk music.  It amazes me that to find out about people who unironically like this music considering it was something that made me hate going to church as a kid.

11. “Lyin’ Eyes”

The Eagles, 1975

Back in the bad ol’days before the internet, I was dependent upon the whims of radio DJ’s to listen to most of the music I like, and this was one of those songs that was the bane of my existence then.  The Eagles may be a rock band, but this is by no stretch of the imagination a rock song.  Not even rockabilly; there is literally no aspect of this song that is remotely rock.  It is 100%, pure, distilled country.  Which wouldn’t be so bad except they kept playing it on rock stations.  I don’t care if a rock band did it, it’s not a rock song, don’t play it on rock stations.  End of story.

10. “She Loves You”

The Beatles, 1963

There are certain places in which society allows you to impose capricious exercises in power over powerless people.  One instance is running a website, and another is elementary school faculty.  During my last two years at my grammar school, we had a Grandparents’ Day.  The first time we did a pageant about the decades during which our grandparents lived, and we enjoyed it well enough.  The second year, however, our Boomer faculty forced us instead to sing this song with the lyrics changed to “We Love You,” knowing full well that it will not be an enjoyable experience for us and certainly not for our Greatest Generation Grandparents.  They even lampshaded in the introduction that “We know didn’t like this song when we listened to it [so we forced a bunch of small children to sing it to you].”*  Anyway, that’s my story.  It’s an annoying song.

9. "Friends in Low Places"
Garth Brooks, 1990
The anthem of obnoxious rednecks who are literally proud of their obnoxiousness and the scourge of Karaoke Night.  Drunkards who select this song and make a point of emphasizing the low and high notes (to be fair they already are obnoxiously exaggerated already) are the reason why our great country allows Concealed Carry.

8. “Edge of Seventeen”

Stevie Nicks, 1981

Yet another song that was the bane of my radio-dependent years.  Being subjected to the crap song about the “one-winged dove” was a risk I had to take back then with 80’s stations.

7. “Imagine”

John Lennon, 1971

The second exception to my lyrics rule on this list.  When I finally heard it for the first time, it actually sounded pretty good.  But no amount of musical talent can compensate for its anti-religious and anti-humanistic collectivist lyrics.  It's not just offensive to literally all people of faith, but also anyone who has plans with their lives outside sleeping, eating, and masturbating.  Whereas most of us were content with a Scarface poster, this song’s lyrics were practically mandatory dorm-room décor for the douchiest college students.

6. Pretty Much Anything Bruce Springsteen Is Known For

Whether it’s “Born to Run” (1975), or “Born in the USA“ (1984), Springsteen’s popular songs are bombastic, and not in a good way.  Surprisingly, I stumbled upon some songs that sound more like Country and Western; not my thing, but pretty inoffensive.  I know this isn’t a popular position, but, where New Jersey Rockers are concerned, I prefer Bon Jovi.  

5.  “Blinded by the Light”

Manfred Mann, 1977

The original 1973 Bruce Springsteen is barely tolerable, but Manfred Mann decided to make it horribly grating and, for some reason, changed the lyric “deuce” to “douche.”

4. "Creep"
Radiohead, 1992
One inescapable retail song.  Whiny, repetitive, and bland.  So bad even Radiohead apparently agrees with me on it.

3. “Basket Case” (etc.)

Green Day, 1994

This is practically a place holder for all the garbage mall punk that Green Day et al. helped pioneer.  I’d include bands like Paramore if they weren’t too recent for this list. 

2. “Bad Reputation”

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, 1980

Oh gosh, this song.  Hollywood freaking loves this terrible, cacophonic song.  In fact it’s up there with “Hallelujah” and “Moonlight Sonata” for criminally overused movie songs.  It wasn’t until recently did I find out that Joan Jett actually made some enjoyable music.    

1. “Big Yellow Taxi”

Joni Mitchell, 1970/The Counting Crows (2002)

This awful song has been covered multiple times due to the sheer force of its pretentious hippiness.  It was always a terrible song, but the most unavoidable, and arguably worst, version of it is the Counting Crows cover, which seems to mandatory playing for grocery stores, malls, and other shopping centers.  Maybe these people find it amusing that the “parking” sounds all the world like “f---ing” while they can get away with it in public.  Or maybe they like the irony of playing this song in strip malls, which could be better accomplished by playing awesome Soviet music. 

         As for the pervasive nature of crappy public music, people with good taste are simply too stoic.  I mean you know if they tried to play Rolling Stones in a store, someone’s gonna complain, and go back to playing crappy music.  So we need to be like them.  We need to fight this fight too.

*This same faculty, in an apparent attempt to try something more hip, also planned to make me and my class dance to “The Macarena” in front of the whole school.  As far as I know, nobody in my class was looking forward to it. Thankfully a parent pointed out that the lyrics weren’t becoming of an event at a Catholic school, so the event was cancelled.  Although I can’t help but think that that was a pretext, it was Moral Guardians to the rescue for once.

My Little Humans

 

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

2013

D: Jayson Thiessen

**********

Pros: Maybe the Reason We’re Getting the New Movie Now, Some decent lines

Cons: Bad Premise, Character Designs, Music, Story, TV-Grade Animation

      When I first heard of this, I was rather annoyed, even more so when I found out it was getting a theatrical release.  I was upset that, instead of a legit movie adaptation of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, we were going to get this thing.  The animation was decent but on the par with that of the TV show when it should be a noticeable improvement.  I thought it would be more appropriate as a Direct-to-Video special.  It was defended as non-canon, but an episode of the show in which Twilight enters a human realm could expand the universe and be more interesting if anything.  

       The movie is a combination of two fanart tropes I hate: High School A.U. and poorly done human versions of anthro characters.  The latter is interesting when done right, in that the personality and other attributes are thoughtfully interpreted so as to imagine what the character would look like as a human.  More often than not, I see it done poorly.  Most of the time people simply transfer the character’s color scheme over to some generic animesque template no matter how little sense it makes.  Most noticeably is the use of hair colors that don’t come naturally on humans.  Twilight Sparkle, for example, does not have purple striped hair because she personally styled that way, so logically she wouldn’t have that hair color as a human.  Rarity might dye her hair, but I imagine she’d only dye it something that could be passed off as natural.  Pinkie and Applejack get a pass because Applejack is blonde and I’m pretty sure Pinkie might dye her hair pink.  As for their clothes, the alternate universe Mane Main Six all wear similar outfits with skirts.  Rainbow Dash’s clothes are particularly incongruous.  Also anthros translate into simpler art styles better than humans do.  For all the style problems I have with this movie, I do like the presence of  (somewhat) identifiable cars, which I wish more cartoons would have. 

       As for the high school setting, I’ve always hated this trope.  Most of the time setting your story in high school is a cheap means of relatability.  Even complete garbage like Glee receives disproportionate and undeserved praise because so many people relate to the setting on a visceral level.  Many people apparently haven’t grown out of the petty disputes from the day since they don’t mind how many cliques in these stories (usually the jocks and cheerleaders) are reduced to caricatures.  It seemed especially inappropriate for a fantasy like My Little Pony to go down this route. 

      The timeline doesn’t make much sense either.  The ponies are said to be about 13 years old in the show (adults by their reckoning), but in the human world the characters are numerically the same age but proportionally much younger.  You could say that the timelines don’t coincide proportinally, but that would make a strange coincidence in that one generation overlaps perfectly for the story.  The Cutie Mark Crusaders (Michelle Creber, Madeleine Peters, and Claire Corlett) are also in high school as younger teens when as fillies they should be much younger children.  Also, unlike her pony version, Granny Smith is morbidly obese (must be the cafeteria food).  The movie also includes Peter New as Big Macintosh and Kathleen Barr as Trixie.

       The story begins with the newly christened Princess Twilight Sparkle (Tara Strong, singing voice Rebecca Shoichet).  In the opening scenes she’s still getting used to her new wings, amusingly having trouble sleeping with them in the way.  This is one advantage over the show, which has her flying without practice.  She travels to Canterlot with her friends Rainbow Dash (Asheigh Ball), Applejack (Ball), Fluttershy (Andrea Libman), Pinkie Pie (Libman), and Rarity (Tabitha St. Germain) to attend her first Princess Summit.  She’s introduced to Flash Sentry (Vincent Tong), a Pegasus royal guard whose name sounds like that of a company that makes flashlight attachments for handguns.  During the night a mare named Sunset Shimmer (Rebecca Shoichet) steals Twilight’s magic tiara and makes off into an oddly unguarded magic mirror.  Princess Celestia (Nicole Oliver) reveals explains that Sunset was a former apprentice of hers who had gone bad.  She explains that Twilight must go into the alternate dimension through the mirror to retrieve her crown because Sunset might harm the residents of that world with its power (but she had no problem exiling the Sirens to that world in the sequel).  The portal in that world is only open for 3 days so Twilight must get back before that time.  She specifies that Twilight must go alone, but Spike (Cathy Weseluck) rashly goes in after her. 

        It turns out Princess Celestia was right because Spike ends up being more trouble than he’s worth in this movie.  He’s dead weight throughout the film, and his greatest contribution to the plot is getting caught and used as a bargaining chip by Sunset.  At least he builds a bookbed for Twilight when she’s sleeping in the school (nobody questions this, by the way).  But even more annoying (and I’m not the first to point this out) is that as a dragon he’s transformed into a dog instead of a human like Twilight does.  It’s very clearly established that humans are the only people native to this world.  Hell, even the Diamond Dogs, the characters who are literal dogs in the show, are humans in this world, but not Spike.  This isn’t the only time Spike is implied to be a lesser being, but at least the show has been getting better about portrayal of his species.  It’s also a bit disturbing considering Spike’s possible status as Twilight’s slave.

         SPIKE: Hey, uh, Twilight….I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.  You how I have to hang around you and do work for you?  
         TWILIGHT: Spike, is this about your “freedom” again?

         SPIKE: Well, um…yes.

         TWILIGHT: Spike, do you remember when we went into that alternate dimension were wall the people were pink, fleshy things?

         TWILIGHT: Um, yeah….

         SPIKE: No other species was a person?

         TWILIGHT: And I turned into one of those things while you turned into dog.  What do you think that means?

         SPIKE: Uh…

         TWILIGHT: It means the toilet still needs to be cleaned.

Anthropomorphic dogs are nonexistent in this universe, as revealed in one line (although that line is blatantly contradicted in a sequel).  Spike responds to said line by saying, “Seriously? The talking dog is the weird thing about all this?”  I personally never liked lines like “clever” observations like that, though.  Just because something seems plausible in comparison that must mean it’s true.  It’s like saying that the existence of platypi, buttheaded monkeys, and deep-water creatures must mean there’s such a thing as a jackalope.

         When Twilight enters the new world, she finds herself at a high school called Canterlot High that’s a microcosm for Equestria.  She finds out that Sunset Shimmer is the “popular” girl at the school.  In other words she’s the bitch who treats everyone like crap and unofficially runs the school like a mafia boss in classic high school drama tradition.  She has surreptitiously replaced the fall formal crown with Twilight’s so that she could win it“legitimately” and thus be able to use its power as its “rightful” owner.  I’m not sure how that would supersede her theft from Twilight but I suppose magic recognizes the rules of ownership differently.  Because of her control over the student body, Sunset’s victory is practically assured.  After sorting out a dispute between Apple and Rainbow (which could have been easily solved by the two talking to each other for two seconds because the rift was a result of Sunset’s lying to them) and accepting a pointless soccer challenge from the latter, Twilight has the help she needs to challenge Sunset’s bid to win the formal.  Thus we have a magical conflict reduced to banality.  Granted Twilight could have left the human versions of her friends alone (they’re practically different people) and just stolen the crown back at night (she’s sleeping at the school, so it’s not like she needs to break in), but then again there a risk that a possible doppelganger version of Twilight could be implicated.   

         While Twilight’s efforts pick up steam, Sunset uses her loyal minions Snip (Lee Tockar) and Snails (Richard Ian Cox), two characters whom I’m not too big a fan of, to sabotage her.  They trash the formal decorations and use edited photos to implicate Twilight while Sunset plays the victim to manipulate Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna (Tabitha St. Germain).  The human version of Flash Sentry, Susnet’s ex-boyfriend and Twilight’s current love interest, finds evidence that the photos were faked, exonerating Twilight.  You’d think that, since computers exist in this world, Snips and Snails used Photoshop, but they didn’t.  They literally cut and paste the pictures.  With scissors and tape.  And somehow Luna fell for it.  Probably because she keeps her office impractically dark.

            Unfortunately, the formal has been postponed until after the critical plot deadline because of the damage, but Twilight and company quickly fix the decorations so that the formal can be held at the original date.  This makes Twilight more popular in the school.  It also helps that she’s been campaigning successfully through bad songs (Shannon Chan-Kent provides Pinkie Pie’s singing voice while Kazumi Evans provides Rarity’s) and she’s a generally pleasant person unlike Sunset.  Twilight ends up winning the formal, and Sunset turns to desperate measures.  Kidnapping Spike, she retreats to the school statue (the location of the portal) and threatens to destroy both of them.  She inexplicably lets Spike go while still threatening the port, not realizing that Twilight cares more about him than going home.  Probably suggests that Sunset has limits, but she could still use Spike as a bargaining chip and she’s still willing to use the crown’s magic to hypnotize the student body to attack Equestria so that doesn’t make sense.  Also, pretty weak plan for conquering a magical kingdom; I don’t see how hypnotized non-magical children would be a match for a magic kingdom.  Not to mention the powers of one princess versus those of Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadance (Britt McKillip).  Anyway, a scuffle over the crown ensues, and Twilight accidentally tosses it into Sunset’s hands.  Sunset Shimmer then uses the crown’s powers to transform into a demon and zombify the students.  I thought the crown had to be handed over legitimately to use the power.  If not, then why did Sunset go through all the trouble of a formal in the first place?  With all hope seemingly lost.  The Un-Mane Six huddle together and activate their friendship powers.  They transform into the equine equivalent of catgirls and bombard Sunset with a friendship rainbow, inexplicably reforming her.  Forced redemption is a trend in this franchise, but Sunset does play her role as a reformed heroine in the sequels convincingly (Starlight Glimmer pretty plays the exact same role in the canon continuity).  Twilight returns to her world, leaving Sunset Shimmer with the school and her new friends.  Might not be a good idea, considering Sunset’s history in the human world.  It would be easier for her to star with a clean slate in Equestria.  Also I’m not sure if Sunset is ever revealed to have a doppelganger like everybody else.

         Overall, Equestria Girls is underwhelming and it has a few flaws that would be more forgivable in a better movie.  It also has consistently bad music.  Eschewing the enjoyable show tunes of the show, it instead uses admittedly appropriate teen-pop and it’s pretty bad.  As if that’s not enough they momentarily make fun of the Cutie Mark Crusader theme, one of things that was good and holy from the cartoon.  I haven’t seen the sequels, but the franchise seems to have improved.  In the first sequel, Rainbow Rocks, there are a few good songs, naturally all sung by the villains and the other sequels have some decent songs, too. Also, the third movie looks like it has a good premise.  I like the irony of Sunset Shimmer’s being reformed by someone from another dimension and then having to face off against that her own worlds version of that person playing the role of an anti-villain.  I really hated this movie when it came out, but I’m a lot more charitable toward it now that we’re getting the real movie in theatres.  Perhaps Equestria Girls was their way of testing the waters, and we have this project to thank for My Little Pony: The Movie. 

           Still kinda sucks, though.            

MEMORABLE QUOTES

HUMAN TRIXIE: [theatrically] THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE…needs some peanut butter crackers.  [places coin in vending machine and takes out crackers]

TWILIGHT: But the fall formal formal has to happen tonight.  You see…

HUMAN PINKIE: You're from an alternate world and you're a pony princess there and the crown actually has a magical element embedded in it that helps power up other magical elements and without it they don't work anymore, and you need them all to help protect your magical world, and if you don't get the crown tonight, you'll be stuck in *this* world and you won't be able to get back for like a really, really long time!

HUMAN PINKIE: If only I had some crazy party cannon that could decorate everything really fast.

FLASH SENTRY: We must stop running into each other like this.

[final lines]

TWILIGHT: Don’t be ridiculous.  I don’t even know him.  He just…

PINKIE:  Totally reminds you of a guy you met in the other world who played guitar, was in a band, and helped prove you didn't destroy all the decorations for a big dance, so you could still run for princess of the big dance, and asked you to dance at that dance! [deep breath] Right?

TWILIGHT: How did you know that?

PINKIE: Just a hunch.

My Second Favorite Movie

Blade Runner

1982

D: Ridley Scott

**********

Pros: Visuals, Story, Characters, Theme, Score, Special Effects

Cons: The Rape Scene, Some Stilted Dialogue, Narration (Theatrical Cut)

         When I first heard of the upcoming release of a belated Blade Runner sequel, it struck me as a remarkably bad idea.  However, my anticipation for it improved upon finding out that they actually got some really good people working on it: Denis Villeneuve as director, Roger Deakins as cinematographer, Hans Zimmer and Jόhann Jόhannsson as composers, and Harrison Ford’s returning as Deckard.  The trailer looks promising, but this clip with Jared Leto not so much.  I hope it does justice to my second-favorite film of all time.

          If there’s one thing Blade Runner is known for, even more so than its story, is its visual style.  It’s one the best looking movies ever made.  Its cinematography and special effects convey a dark, grimy atmosphere in a way that’s actually beautiful.  The overall picture quality even makes up for some questionable costume choices.  Still, there’s plenty of great design in the movie.  The great Syd Mead does a great job instilling a futuristic style, obsolete CRT screens notwithstanding.  On a side note, I prefer his design for the Black Hole Gun over Deckard’s blaster.  The movie’s visual style has had so much influence on sci-fi that the rainy cyberpunk setting has become a cliché.  You’d think it would have been improved upon with modern special effects, but few subsequent sci-fi films can compete with Blade Runner visually, especially not the slew of bad cyberpunk movies in the 90’s.  Not that the movie uses it as a crutch, but I'm willing to forgive not liking it if it's acknowledged as the visual masterpiece it is.

          Vangelis’ score also contributes to the atmosphere.  I’ve always observed that synth soundtracks often vacillate between sounding effective and goofy.  This one, on the other hand, is consistently effective.  Most of the time it reinforces the ominous cyberpunk tone while occasionally reminding you with jazz-like motifs that the movie is also futuristic neo-noir.  Some people may be disappointed that the movie is not an action movie and is rather slowly paced, which is appropriate for the contemplative film it is.  There are brief moments of violence that are sometimes disturbing in a way the aids the atmosphere, but nothing on the level of that of a horror movie.

         Blade Runner takes place in a dark, polluted 2019 Los Angeles.  Off-world colonies are desirable destinations on which a form of android called a replicant is used.  Replicants are artificially produced organic humans produced by the Tyrell Corporation.  Their high degree of intelligence enables them to develop emotions in some time, giving them the will to rebel.  As a fail-safe engineers began to design them with a four-year lifespan.  After a violent uprising, they were banned from earth, and special policemen called Blade Runners were tasked with “retiring” them.  They use special devices called Voight-Kampff tests to identify them.   

         I have a little problem with this premise.  I understand that, if sapient AI was possible, it would be inevitable that someone would eventually develop it, but I don’t understand why anyone would want to.  It seems to impose an ethical dilemma on us as if we don’t have enough of those already.  It’s also rather odd that we would create something that looks and thinks like a human only to use them as slaves.  The intelligence part only makes sense in regards to some of the tactical military models, but then again we could have human officers for that.  Still, this is nitpicking, and the important thing is the theme that the replicants are unjustly persecuted people.

        A group of replicants led by a military model named Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer) escapes imprisonment and has infiltrated earth in search of a way to cure themselves of their shortened lifespans.  When another Blade Runner (Morgan Paull) is injured in an unsuccessful attempt to catch them, Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) is forced out of retirement by police captain Bryant (M. Emmet Walsh), who sends an origami-loving officer named Gaff (Edward James Olmos) with a permanent limp to arrest him.  Deckard is a broken man: he occasionally drinks, broods, and at one point has a mysterious dream about a unicorn.  Despite his adamant reluctance, Deckard agrees to eliminate the replicants after vague threats are made by Bryant.  He travels to the Tyrell corporation get information from its founder Eldon Tyrell (Joe Turkel).  He talks Deckard into giving his secretary Rachael (Sean Young) a Voight-Kampff test so he can see what a negative result looks like.  She tests positive, but doesn’t know she’s a replicant.  Tyrell reveals in her absence that he’s been experimenting with memory implants to make the replicants more emotionally stable.  As Deckard continues his investigation, Rachael confronts him over the matter, and Deckard breaks the news to the heartbroken woman.  He forms a relationship with her, which exasperates the already strong guilt and doubt he feels over hunting down and killing the replicants one by one.  Bryant orders him to kill her, but he refuses. 

        Meanwhile Roy Batty and his gang interrogate replicant eyemaker Hannibal Chew (James Hong) and then contacts Tyrell scientist J.F. Sebastian (William Sanderson) in order to gain access to a meeting with Tyrell.  Sebastian’s accelerated aging disorder helps them manipulate him into showing sympathy toward them, and Batty successfully uses him to gain access to Tyrell’s inner sanctum, where he is told that it is impossible for him to be cured.  Tyrell attempts to comfort him by saying that “The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.”  Not satisfied with being the people version of a Krispy Kreme donut, a disappointed Batty murders Tyrell and Sebastian.  It’s a disturbing enough scene, but it’s odd to show someone’s brutally murdering a man and then cut to a funny owl.  He returns home to find that Deckard has just killed his remaining friends.  In the final battle he toys with Deckard and eventually beats him, only to save him from a fatal fall at the last second and imparting some of his experiences to him in a poignant speech before expiring when his Hot Sign runs out. 

        Before returning home, Deckard encounters Gaff, who throws him his lost blaster, hinting that he should kill Rachael now, and leaves him alone after saying, “It’s too bad she won’t live.  But then again, who does?”  Deckard, with his gun drawn, retrieves Rachael from his apartment and runs away with her, facing an uncertain fate.  But not before Deckard notices an origami figure left by Gaff: a unicorn.

        If there’s one thing I don’t like about the prospect of a sequel (besides the threat of Jared Leto’s hamminess) is that it might ruin this sublimely mysterious ending.

        One thing area in which this movie shines is in its complex protagonist.  Deckard constantly struggles with what his supposed duty is, an act which he knows is murder.  It’s broken him down as a person to the point where’s a lonely, brooding alcoholic.  He constantly struggles with his act, and he tries to weasel out of it when he can.  Moreover, the unicorn dream, as well as Gaff’s familiarity with it, heavily implies that he himself is a replicant.  Even more subtly, he’s a replicant meant to replace Gaff, whose injury forced him to retire as a Blade Runner.  His skills and many of his memories are from him, and when Gaff gives him back his gun, it means that he has approved of him as a replacement.  Gaff is a surprisingly important and compelling character even to Deckard, who at first dismisses him as a sycophantic dandy.    

         In addition to a complex anti-hero, the movie has a remarkably sympathetic anti-villain in Roy Batty.  He’s willing to commit murder to achieve his goals, but he’s motivated by the well-being of his accomplices.  He’s also creepy, imposing, strong, and clever; he has all the makings of a great villain, plus complexity.  The violence displayed by the replicants is understandable considering how they were treated no better than the humans; why would they show mercy to the merciless when they were never loved enough to have been taught right from wrong?

         The replicants are fighting for their freedom and their desire to live a normal life, and this is reflected by their ironic personalities.  Leon (Brion James) was a simple replicant whose job is a load lifter, but he’s the most sentimental of the bunch.  Pris (Daryl Hannah) was a pleasure model, but she opts for a more mature romantic relationship with Batty.  Zhora (Joanna Cassidy) seems to avoid the violent work.  Only Batty, who plays the responsible leader, doesn’t allow himself the luxury.  He still seems to assign his colleagues tasks based on their natural skill sets.  Zhora’s seduction skills allow her to make money for them as a stripper, Leon is good for intimidation, and Pris is used to help smooth-talk Sebastian.   

         The movie’s not completely without its flaws.  For one thing it might have a little more than its share of stilted dialogue.  There are plenty of great lines from the movie, but there’s also a little too much as-you-knowing.  But you have to ignore something like that in a gem like this.  And then there’s the infamous rape scene.  It’s important to address this as it is definitely the biggest mistake of the movie.  After Rachael saves Deckard’s life from Leon, Deckard brings her into his apartment and eventually begins to force himself on her, ordering her to ‘”Say, “kiss me.”’  Thankfully the movie cuts to another scene before it gets graphic.  I turned to the commentaries in my Final Cut copy for some sort of answer to the madness, but to no avail.  The writers acknowledge how messed up the scene is and don’t put much effort into justifying it.  Scott simply talks about his disdain for showing sex scenes (which I agree with), but disturbingly ignores the creepy buildup.  In fact, if you watch many older movies, it's amazing how often the male lead will just force himself onto the love interest like that while the movie treats it like it's nothing.  It doesn’t work much for moral ambiguity.  Deckard’s sympathetic because of his reluctance to do bad things as a result of “duty.”  He might be construed as raping a replicant as a way to justify killing others, but it doesn’t make much sense when Rachael saved his life in a previous scene.  The only forced death-to-the-author explanation I have for it is as deconstruction of obligatory sex-positivity in which casual sex is increasingly being passed off as an obligation.  Deckard has to bang to feel normal, and the love is secondary to that.  So, yeah, I just used my prudishness to justify a problematic in a sci-fi classic.  Who says conservative Christianity’s no fun?

           As someone who has read the book, Philip K. Dick’s Do Android Dream of Electric Sheep?, I prefer the movie.  There are significant differences between the two.  For one thing Deckard is revealed to be a human in the book, despite his doubts.  He’s also married, whereas in the movie he’s single.  J.F. Sebastian’s analogue is mentally impaired rather than prematurely aged.  The replicants are given less development and are therefore less compelling; they’re outright described as having no empathy (although there are suggestions that this is a result of an unreliable narrator).  However, one element from the book is carried over to the movie with distractingly insufficient explanation: Mercerism.  It’s a post-apocalyptic religion that venerates all life as precious.  The word is never mentioned in the movie, but it’s probably the reason why people keep animals, simulated or real, in the city and why a Voight-Kampff survey question implies that killing insects is taboo. 

         The movie was also released in various forms.  In a legendary example of executive meddling, the original theatrical release featured a cheesy pseudo-noir narration fitting of an affectionate 90’s cartoon spoof of the genre.  There were some witty lines, but it also featured a lot of unnecessary ones like ‘The report read "Routine retirement of a replicant." That didn't make me feel any better about shooting a woman in the back’ (As if the look on Deckard’s face wasn’t enough).  If that was the reason this movie wasn’t so popular when it came out, I understand.  The studio also imposed a happier ending in which Rachael is revealed not to have an expiration date as she and Deckard drive through a lush forest.   I haven’t seen the whole thing, though. 

        I consider myself lucky to have been introduced to this movie through the 1992 Director’s Cut; a testament to how special editions aren’t always a bad thing.  By removing the cheesy narration, the movie is far more subtle and atmospheric.  It also adds the unicorn dream, implying that Deckard is a replicant, as well as the ambiguous ending.  This twist has compellingly subtle execution but it's controversial.  I understand that it screws up the theme of Deckard's losing his humanity, but I could argue that it transfers that theme to Gaff, as emphasized when the latter subtly guides him to humanity with the last line.  The 2007 Final Cut includes some more violence not present in the Director’s Cut and cleans up the picture, making more details noticeable, while adding a shinier, more modern colorized version.  The preference is subjective, I guess.  The most noticeable improvement is the replacement of “I want more life, fucker!” with “I want more life, father.”  The former was a swear so awkwardly forced it would make Shadow the Hedgehog cringe.

       A subtle moral of this movie is that proximity might breed sympathy.  That may be the reason for Tyrell’s seemingly paradoxical (and fatal) decision to tell Batty the truth rather than consent to an ineffective surgery long enough to stay Batty’s hand.  He may have bred Batty to be chattel, but he can’t help but respect him to his face.  It’s easy to ignore evil and corruption when we’re distanced from it, as the bystanders do in the movie do when they see Deckard kill a replicant.  It’s especially true when that toleration is a social expectation.  Deckard’s job was wrong but it showed him the nature of the beast, ironically putting him closer to redemption than most people in his world.  The fact that most everyone is content to ignore corruption in a comfortable society full of distraction if it doesn’t affect them is exemplified in the movie’s final line.

“It’s too bad she won’t live.  But then again, who does?”