A Simple Man Making His Way in the Galaxy

The Mandalorian

2019-

**********

Pros: Cinematography, Special Effects, Potential, Release Model

Cons: Derivative Premise, Formulaic Episodes, Fanservice Dependent

 

 

 

         While Disney’s stewardship of Star Wars has been…underwhelming, I was a bit excited to check out Disney+ and The Mandalorian.  Admittedly it may have not been for the best reasons.  After all, the premise simply focused on what seemed to be a Boba Fett-like character who wasn’t actually Boba Fett, so I was a bit skeptical.  And then I heard that they were going to use practical models for the ships like the original trilogy did.

 Those effects are truly impressive.  I’ve always had a nostalgic charm for imperfect practical effects, but nowadays it’s flawlessly convincing with less risk of aging than CGI.  I even like the look of the Razor Crest, which seems similar to the LAAT/i but with a cleaner design.  The production quality is impressive for a show, making it look better than most movies.  Greig Fraser’s cinematography is excellent, and I think he may very well be the runner-up to Roger Deakins.  The show does a great job of capturing the gritty atmosphere that defines the franchise.

         The series also has a very effective release model.  Disney is one of the few companies whose streaming site possesses enough content to justify a subscription, and individual episodes of The Mandalorian are wisely released weekly during a season’s run.  This actually helps foster a shared pop cultural experience that’s rare nowadays.

        Of course, these are pretty superficial points of praise, so now to the story, which is pretty derivative.  It’s a typical plot about loner who ends up defying his superiors to protect a small child, incurring the ire of the whole world.  Shortly after the defeat of the Empire, The Mandalorian (Pedro Pascal) receives a news of a high-stakes job from Bounty Hunter’s Guild head Greef Karga (Carl Weathers).  Desperate for something more lucrative than the typical bail-jumper, he agrees to a job from a renegade Imperial official (Werner Herzog) only to find out that his quarry is an infant Yoda.  After turning the child in for a payment of enough beskar to construct a new suit, he decides to go back and rescue the kid from vivisection.  It’s not the first time Disney taught us that making a deal with the Devil would turn out ok because you can just screw him out of his end.  He goes on the run when the entire Bounty Hunter’s guild declares war on him.

       So far, most of the episodes are blatant, formulaic filler, often fueled by excessive fanservice.  There’s even one episode that joins the plethora of Seven Samurai rip-offs.  The bulk of the season involves his hiding from the Guild with the Child, but that time could have been better dedicated to tracking down the location of the infant.  Instead, the series features this absurd device that magically knows wherever a bounty is in the galaxy.  This is a shame because detective work is interesting and fun to watch, but unfortunately requires research and imagination to write.  Fortunately the final two episodes bring the thrills. 

       The series gives credence to the idea that people supported the Empire out of a desire for order.  There's even one direct example of things going to chaos as a direct result of its fall.  I think it might be a retroactive attempt to make the First Order more believable.

       The cast is mostly solid.  Mando himself is a likable enough stoic loner, but not that interesting Werner Herzog is enjoyable, but he’s sadly killed off near the end of the season by bigger bad Moff Gideon (Giancarlo Esposito).  Gina Carano is believably robust in appearance as tough girl Cara Dune, but she’s not the most memorable character.  The best role in the show is Kuiil (v. Nick Nolte, Misty Rosas as body), an Ugnaught engineer who aids the protagonist.  His catchphrase of “I have spoken” is a genuinely endearing character trait, which is why it lacks the ironic memetic potential of Cassian's "six years old" line from Rogue One. 

         The Child is cute enough, but he’s a little too much of a meme.  It’s a bit too manipulative to sink to babysploitation, as is demonstrated by the scourge of Baby Nut.  Still, the potential of a Mandalorian Yoda is pretty cool.  The puppet looks great, and thankfully they reneged on CGI after getting scolded by Werner Herzog.

          One “character” I’m not terribly fond of is IG-11 (Taika Waititi), an assassin droid whom Mando stops from murdering the Child.  He is later reprogrammed to protect the innocent as a nurse droid.  We’re supposed to like this character, but I don’t buy him as sentient being.  He displays no real personality or personal conflict.  This is odd because the droids’ personhood has always been effectively established in this universe.  As annoying as people find L3-37, I still thought she was a character.  I found it a bit annoying that I was to feel something when he self-destructed to save the other characters.  He does get one of the better action moments in the show, though.

           Possibly my favorite scene in the show was a humorous one featuring two Scout Troopers (Jason Sudeikis and Adam Pally) who chat with each other mundanely while waiting for orders.  They are villains and murderers, but it’s interesting to watch them chat like normal people.  It’s an interesting depiction of the Banality of Evil.  Unfortunately, the show descends into cringe fanboy humor by having them shoot at an object to pass time and missing every shot.

          Other cast members include Omid Obtahi, Amy Sedaris, Jake, Cannavale, Ming-Na Wen, Mark Boone Jr., Bill Burr, Natalia Tena, Richard Ayoade, Ismael Cruz Cordova, Julia Jones, Matt Lanter, Dave Filoni, Rick Famuyiwa, Deborah Chow, Emily Swallow, Brian Posehn, Jon Favreau, Mark Hamill, and Horatio Sanz, and members of the 501st Legion of stormtroopers.  Clancy Brown is wasted in a decidedly uninteresting role.  The second season will feature Michael Biehn, Timothy Olyphant, Katee Sackhoff, Temuera Morrison as Boba Fett, and Rosario Dawson as Ahsoka Tano.

         One memorable moment is the prominent display of a portable safe that supposedly resembles the Ice Cream Maker featured in Empire Strikes Back.  Now before anyone gets the impression that this is awkward fan service that diminishes the appeal of Ice Cream Maker Man, I want to set the record straight.  Ice Cream Maker Man is still Ice Cream Maker Man.  Lando announced the evacuation of Cloud City, and his response was to make sure he got out of there with his Ice Cream Maker.  If you look closely at the two objects, you'll see that they only bear a vague resemblance in shape and nothing more:

           The Mandalorian is an enjoyable show, but it lacks originality.  It borrows a lot of plot points and tropes from other works, many of them stale.  However, one thing I love about Star Wars is its gritty universe, and it’s good to see a competent show that’s not related to the Skywalker family.  This gives it potential to explore the possibilities of the franchise, but it will take a lot more imagination than it has already displayed.  Unfortunately its potential is hampered by the obligation to show things through the eyes of a single protagonist who isn't that interesting.  It also limits itself to Western tropes most people are familiar with through osmosis.

More of the Same

Star Wars: Rebels

2014-8

**********

Pros: Some Good Characters and Arcs

Cons: Overly Dependent on Fanservice, Bland Protagonist, Uninspired Premise, Some Logical Flaws

         After Disney bought Star Wars, it created a new show that reflected its current lack of inspiration.  I would have liked standalone show about Darth Vader’s doing his thing in the interim (Genndy Tartakovsky’s minimalist style would work well), but instead we got a show about a group of plucky rebels, because we’ve had nothing like that before.  Middling producer Simon Kinberg teamed up with Dave Filoni (and Greg Weisman for the first season), and the result was not as creative or complex as The Clone Wars.  Then again, it’s premise is substantially more limiting.

          Our protagonist is Ezra Bridger (Taylor Gray), a force sensitive youth from the industrial planet Lothal.  His parents were imprisoned by Imperials, which is a pretty typical backstory.  He’s headstrong and impulsive, mostly maintaining these traits throughout the series.  I don’t find him a particularly compelling character.  His Jedi mentor Kanan Jarrus (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) plays the straight man role of Phoenix Squadron, and he has some amusingly deadpan moments.  The leader of the cell and Kanan’s love interest is crack Twi’Lek pilot Hera Syndulla (Vanessa Marshall).  Her abrasive pet astromech droid Chopper (Dave Filoni) isn’t terribly appealing most of the time but does have a nice history revealed in Season 3 (he momentarily pays homage to the crashed Y-Wing Hera pulled him from by her ancestral house).  Zeb (Steven Blum) is the alien muscle of the group.  He’s a gruff character and has the gruff cockney accent to go with it.  He's competent but gets the occasional description of being too impulsive for leadership.  The Informed Brute.  The group’s gun-toting Mandalorian tomboy, Sabine Wren (Tiya Sircar), has a penchant for graffiti art.  Naturally, they operate from an ersatz Millennium Falcon, though not the first in the franchise.  I like the symmetrical design of the craft, but Group of Eccentrics on Rugged Starship is getting old. 

         Original enemies of the show include Imperial Agent Kallus (David Oyelowo), who acts as the show’s most constant antagonist, and the Inquisitors, force-sensitives who serve as Imperial enforcers.  The first season focuses on The Grand Inquisitor (Jason Isaacs), while subsequent seasons involve lower ranking members (Philip Anthony Rodriguez, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Robbie Daymond).  Imperial officers include the ambitious but incompetent Admiral Konstantine (Dee Bradley Baker) and Governor Pryce (Mary Elizabeth McGlynn).  A short, interesting twist is a civilian governor, Minister Maketh Tua (Kath Soucie), an example of a person trying to do right within the Empire’s system.  Popular for her domestic policies, her inability to deal with the insurgency on Lothal drives her to appeal to the Rebels, knowing how brutal the Empire can be for perceived failure.  

       Unfortunately, much of the appeal of this show is based on fanservice involving pre-existing characters.  After a short appearance by Tarkin (Stephen Stanton), the second season focuses on Darth Vader (James Earl Jones) as a primary threat.  He’s generally a clever and potent villain, especially when he coldly plans a false flag incident at Tua’s expense, but one moment does him decidedly dirty.  When Admiral Konstantine accidentally catches Vader’s TIE in a tractor beam, he openly acknowledges his own responsibility while announcing his plan to frame a hapless underling for it when Vader comes looking for answers.  Not only does Vader possess limited powers of telepathy, he loathes officers like Konstantine and would have no respect for his attempt to pass the buck.  Not to mention the entire room of witnesses who have no reason not to speak up.

       In the third season, the focus shifts to Grand Admiral Thrawn (Lars Mikkelsen).  Between the nice, creepy monotone and a great leitmotif, the man is good at making mildly intelligent deductions sound like the height of brilliance.  Still, I find him underwhelming as a villain.  My theory is that Vader is a smart, aggressive strategist and this is harder to fake by writers than an intelligent, passive strategist, and therefore he was forsaken in favor of Thrown.  Unfortunately, the trick doesn’t work, and the latter comes off like a complacent buffoon, confusing lack of concern for a sense of control.  This failure to take problems seriously can often result in hotter head's becoming frustrated and do unwitting damage.  This is apparent in political policy as well as Admiral Konstantine’s rash action during the final season’s battle that results in his demise and a Rebel advantage.  During this battle Thrawn’s foolishness even allows Hera to score a defeat against the Empire’s top ace (Mario Vernazza), destroying hims, a cruiser and a Star Destroyer.  The battle ends in a blatant Diabolus ex Machina in which the Rebel attackers are trounced offscreen by the apparently more competent second wave of Imperial defense.  The show is resolved by Ezra’s summoning some hyperspace whales that were only briefly seen once in a previous episode.

        Not to pander too much to Legends, because after reading the first book of the Thrawn Trilogy, I’m not terribly impressed with the original version of the character, either  He strikes me as a great example of a lazily written tactical genius, guessing things that no one could without access to the author’s POV.  If Canon Thrawn is the “This Is Fine” Dog, then Legends Thrawn is this, but unironically.  He’s also a blatant Liberal Arts Wish Fulfilment character, as he can apparently defeat a society’s military tactics simply by studying their art.  While I believe you can infer things about individual artists, I don’t see how this can be applied collectively, especially considering that artists are often separate from soldiers.  In fact, the one time he couldn’t figure out a civilization’s art, he simply quit and obliterated them from space because he is a genius.  He also calmly murders some tractor beam operator for not accounting for Luke’s trick just to teach a junior officer an erroneous lesson in responsibility.  Oh, also Rukh's in the show, too.  He's voiced by Warwick Davis.     

          Other characters brought back from better Star Wars include Ahsoka Tano (Ashley Eckstein), Captain Rex (Dee Bradley Baker), and Kalani (Gregg Berger).  Darth Maul (Sam Witwer) comes back to manipulate Ezra and eventually have a satisfying final face-off with Obi-wan Kenobi (Stephen Stanton).  Jim Cummings also returns as Hondo Ohnaka, whose charm repeatedly dupes the clueless young man multiple times.  At least the little fool resists a typical Comforting Fantasy offer from Sheev (Sam Witwer, Ian McDiarmid).  

         There’s even a great deal of blatant fanservice concerning fighters.  An arc revolves around the development of the TIE Defender under Thrawn’s supervision.  The show also has another word-building bugbear of mine, the proto-A-Wings, which date back to the 80’s.  I personally prefer both fighters as having been developed in the interim between Empire and Jedi.  We also have an origin story for the B-Wing which explains both its name and odd shape.  Another episode involves the stealing of a squadron of Y-Wings, which Thrawn of course shrugs off.  But, wait, no X-Wing boosting?

         However, there is one aspect of the show that’s consistently compelling: Sabine Wren.  At first glance she’s a generic strong female, but she ends up having satisfying arcs in which she struggles with her divided loyalties between the Rebels and her Mandalorian tribe.  At one point she confronts a huge mistake from her past that causes major consequences for her and her loved ones.  

So naturally I granted her the boon of drawing her as a fat dragoness.

 Not to say she’s the only original character who ever has a glimmer of complexity.  Kanan has a decent subplot in Season 3 in which he interacts with a mysterious being named The Bendu (Tom Baker) and Kallus eventually becomes a good guy.  Unfortunately, in the final season of the show, Kanan is guided by some Cheesy Force Wolves that remind me that the deep dives into the zen mysticism of the Force often result in the most boring parts of the franchise.

           As for the visuals, the show had a smaller budget than TCW, and it shows.  The animation is good, but there’s not as much detail.  There are many textures that were not meant to be seen as close as they are and they resemble chalk lines.  There are some nice stylizations meant to invoke concept art, like Vader’s mask.  The show also includes a lot of concepts from the original trilogy’s production.  Most noticeable of these is the AT-DP.  Unfortunately this vehicle, as well as the TIE fighters and Star Destroyers, suffer from awkward proportions.  Of course, 2D was too much to hope for.

          Star Wars: Rebels isn’t bad, but it’s not too good, either.  A testament to Disney War’s lack of daring, it sticks to a simple premise and a protagonist so uninteresting I didn’t even mention him in more than ten sentences.  Other cast members include Keone Young, Matthew Wood, Clancy Brown, Phil LaMarr, Greg Ellis, Genevieve O’Reilly, Corey Buron, Brent Spiner, Dante Basco, Michael Bell, Gina Torres, Forest Whitaker, James Hong, Matt Lanter, Frank Oz, Billy Dee Williams, Malcom McDowell, Tom Kane, Ben Diskin, and Paul Reubens.            

The Return of Camp

Batman Forever

1995

D: Joel Schumacher

**********

Pros: Visual Style, Some Good Arcs, Music

Cons: Bad Villains, Mismatch in Style/Tone, Some Bad CGI

         It’s an interesting time for movies.  People are so tired of competent banality of Disney blockbusters that they’re starting to stand up for disreputable movies from the past.  We all have our favorites, but does Joel Schumacher’s interpretation of the Caped Crusader warrant this newfound charity?  After all, if people can praise the kid-friendly version of Robot Chicken that is The Lego Batman Movie, surely these movies deserve a second chance.  After all, I enjoy and respect earnest camp over lazy parody.

       While Tim Burton was involved as a producer, Schumacher interpreted the franchise in a more colorful, light-hearted way, making a modernized version of the 60’s series.  I personally think this is a valid approach, but the tone is inconsistent, and the noncommittal pretense of continuity with the previous movies don’t quite work.  Batman’s (Val Kilmer) fling with Catwoman is briefly mentioned, but he later says, “I’ve never been in love before” in defiance of both her and Vicki Vale.  More effective are the vague references to his avenging his parents killer as he invokes the subsequent emptiness to discourage Dick Grayson (Chris O’Donnell) from pursuing his own revenge.

        One of the primary conflicts is Bruce Wayne’s coming to terms with his dual identity as he falls for the sexy psychologist Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman).  It’s a compelling arc in which he struggles with his past memories after the death of his parents and his accidental fall into the Batcave.  As a child (Ramsey Ellis) he encounters a bat, which he then uses as his identity.  Eventually he makes peace with his duality.  Thanks to his relationship with Chase and Dick, he accepts that Batman no longer has to be a manifestation of revenge but a hero who protects his loved ones. 

        Robin is well-handled in this movie.  After his family is murdered by Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones), he is obsessed with vengeance and attempts to get Bruce to accept him as a sidekick after finding out the latter’s secret.  He has a warm relationship with Alfred (Michael Gough), who guides him throughout.  There’s a nice origin story in which he reveals how he got the name Robin: a past incident in which he rescued his brother that is commemorated on a custom motorcycle helmet (although a robin seems a rather random simile in this scenario)  Between this and Regular Show I’m pretty sure people in Hollywood don’t actually know what Robins look like.   While the character is clearly meant to look “cool,” he has a good arc, and O’Donnell is decent in the role.  Some might say that there's a "grooming" element here considering the sexuality of the director, but it doesn't really play into it much at all.

         Less substantial is Chase Meridian.  She’s a flat “capable” woman who lacks much development outside being an object of Bruce’s affection.  This stands in stark contrast to Catwoman and Vicki Vale, who were practically deuteragonists.  Kidman is okay despite some wooden acting in her first scene (to be fair it was one of those in which Schumacher decided to point spinning spiral lights in people’s faces).

         Val Kilmer partially bases his performance on Adam West’s memorable camp performance, though it’s more toned down and normal.  He even has some great adorkable moments with Chase.  The movie explains his psychology well, but this was already implied effectively and subtly in the first movie in which Keaton's Wayne, when confronted over his life as Batman, says, "It's just something I have to do."   He’s good for this interpretation, whereas George Clooney as simply George Clooney.

        Unfortunately, the villains are not nearly as earnest as the heroes.  This may not be such a serious issue if they weren’t so over-the-top and significant in the movie.  Apparently disappointed that he didn’t have the Joker to work with, Schumacher simply reinterpreted Two-Face as a zany mustache-twirler while directing Tommy Lee Jones to channel Cesar Romero.  The movie doesn’t fully ignore that Two-Face is supposed to be a tragic villain split between two personalities.  It rationalizes that he blames Batman for his partially getting scarred by Boss Moroni (Dennis Paladino) and monomaniacally obsesses over killing him.  So you see, he’s still technically Two-Face if not in practice.  Not quite as bad a have-it-both-ways cop-out as the Prophets in DS9, but still.  He does, however, display bias toward his evil side when flipping his coin on random dog-kicking acts.  This faux duality is also reflected in his two female sidekicks Sugar (Drew Barrymore) and Spice (Debi Mazar).  They’re both evil, except Sugar upholds a bright aesthetic by wearing white and watching children’s cartoons, and Spice upholds a dark aesthetic by wearing black leather and…watching children’s cartoons.  Hell, Sugar’s the only one of the two who actually does something villainous at one point!  Tommy Lee Jones is a waste of good casting, albeit rather tasteless good casting, as they screwed Billy Dee Williams out of the role for some reason.  I used to snark that his “evil” side looks like the cook from Star Trek: Voyager in a glam rocker’s Sunday best, but his design fits the movie’s style, and I like how the veins glow pink in the backlight. 

       The true villain of the movie, both in-universe and in-meta, is The Riddler, played by the Court Jester of the 90’s himself, Jim Carrey.  I can’t say I’m a big fan of him as a person, and Mike Nelson had the final word when he said:

I personally believe that humanity is divided into two distinct, diametrically-opposed groups: People who think that Jim Carrey is a horrible blight, a demonic harlequin cast down from heaven to torment a weary world, and people who think he’s “kinda funny.”*

This does indeed describe Carrey in Batman Forever.  In his more “restrained” moments, he’s amusing, but he spends at least half his screentime making Jar Jar look like Ryan Gosling.  His primary goal is to consume everyone’s thoughts through a commercial device, and his riddling is an afterthought that he uses to torment Bruce Wayne.  In a movie which revolves around fixation, he obsesses over Wayne’s rejection of his project despite previous idolization.  He murders his manager (Ed Begley, Jr.), and begins his life of crime.  Even when I was a kid, I thought the answer to his composite riddle was a cheat by randomly combining two separate numbers without a clue.  

         Pat Hingle returns as the most awkwardly inconsequential interpretation of Commissioner Gordon, and Rene Auberjonois has a cameo as Dr. Burton.

         Stylistically, the movie is insane.  The set design is quirky and creative, with liberal use of lighting effects, shading and bright colors.  I love the creativity that went into it, but it’s partially spoiled by poor shot framing and some incoherent action editing.  The unjustified overuse of Dutch angles is always a telltale sign of clueless stylization.  I would have also appreciated more stylistic integration.  While the practical effects are good, there is some decidedly dated CGI.  The fun style is a good update of the 60’s camp, but it’s limited to the villain/action scenes.  The movie lacks the confidence to integrate it into the more serious heroic arcs.  The narrative also doesn’t seem consistent as there’s no real connection between serious and goofy parts.  Another questionable style choice is the annoying overuse of cartoon sound effects, which is most apparent in the scene in which The Riddler bombs the Batcave.  

         One rather hot take about this movie's design I have is that this movie features my favorite Batmobile.  I love the sinister, gothic design, and it has a good face.  The horror element is enhanced by Gigeresque ribbed surfaces.  There’s also a nice 30’s touch with the fenders and headlights.  The only things marring it are the blue glow and the odd wheels, but those perfectly fit the movie’s aesthetic.  And it also climbs up walls.

       Elliot Goldenthal contributes a memorable score with a touch of camp and retro.  I also love the villains’ leitmotif.  Unfortunately, there are some tacky rock interludes when Dick is “cool.”

         Batman Forever features an unapologetic love for camp style while still having a sold plot. I may prove myself wrong when I end up watching Batman & Robin for its 25^th anniversary, but in retrospect it seems weird that people were so shocked by it.  It’s like how people were offended by Revenge of the Fallen despite having somehow been okay with “Transformers.”  I know the follow-up upped the annoyances while toning down the narrative strengths (and that’s playing big-time Devil’s Advocate with the Michael Bay movie), but I can’t imagine how anything Arnold does as Mr. Freeze could possibly be more annoying than a spandexed Jim Carrey’s thrusting his crotch out while doing his best elk impression.

*I could not find this quote from Movie Megacheese on Google, so it’s very inaccurate.  

QUOTES

[opening lines, repeated verbatim in a McDonald's tie-in commercial] 

ALFRED: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

BATMAN: I’ll get drive-thru.

TWO-FACE: One man is born a hero, his brother a coward.  Babies starve, politicians grow fat.  Holy men are martyred, and junkies grow legion.  Why?  Why, why, why, why, why? Luck!  Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck!

EDWARD: [producing a forged suicide note after melodramatically "mourning" his dead boss] I found this in my cubicle.  You'll find the handwriting matches his exactly, as does sentence structure and spelling.  

ALFRED: Is this a robin?

DICK: My brother's line broke once.  I swung out and grabbed him.  My father said I was his hero.  I flew in like a robin.  Some hero I turned out to be.

ALFRED: Ah, but you're father was right.  You are a hero.  I can tell.

CHASE: I've met someone.

BRUCE: That's fast work.  You just moved here.

CHASE: Well, you could say he just kind of dropped out of the sky, and...bang.  I think he felt it, too.

BRUCE: Sure did.

CHASE: What?

BRUCE: Well, who wouldn't?

ALFRED: May I help you, Master Grayson?

DICK: How come this is the only locked door in this museum?  What’ve you got back there?

ALFRED: Master Wayne’s dead wives.

SUGAR: Oh Eddie, he is too cute.  How come you don't look so good in that suit?

EDWARD: Shut up, you're here to work.  How's my mole?

SUGAR: It's fine.

EDWARD: Your entrance was good, his was better.  The difference: showmanship.

ALFRED: [helping Dick get his costume to help Batman] I could be fired for this, sir.  Perhaps they'll have me back at Buckingham Palace.

BRUCE: Just what the hell do you think you were doing?

DICK: You got a real gratitude problem, you know that, Bruce?  I need a name.  Batboy? Nightwing?  I don’t know, help me out.  What’s a good sidekick name?

BRUCE: How about Dick Grayson: College Student?

DICK: All I can think about every second of the day is getting Two-Face He took my whole life.  And when I was out there tonight, I imagined it was him that I was fighting, evine when I was fighting you.  And all the pain went away.  Do you understand?

BRUCE: Yes, I do.

DICK: Good, cause you’re gonna help me find him.  And when we do, I’m the one who kills him.  

BRUCE: So you’re willing to take a life.

DICK: Long as it’s Two-Face.

BRUCE: Thein it will happen this way: You make the kill but your pain doesn’t die with Harvey, it grows.  So you run out into the night to find another face, and another, another, until one terrible morning you wake up and realize that revenge has become you whole lie.  And you won’t know why.

DICK: You can’t understand.  Your family wasn’t killed by a maniac.

BRUCE: Yes they were.  We’re the same.

TWO-FACE: You have broken into our hideout.  You have violated the sanctity of our lair.  For that, she should crush your bones into POWDER.  However, you do pose a very interesting proposition: therefore heads, we accept, tails, we blow your damn head off.

Hey Jo, Where You Goin' With That Gun in Your Hand

Perfect Dark

2000

Nintendo 64 + Expansion Pak

**********

Pros: Gameplay, Graphics, Music, Multiplayer

Cons: Some Wasted Weapons, Flaw in Blurred Vision Effect, No Library

       After the success of GoldenEye 007, Martin Hollis’ team followed up with Perfect Dark.  Operating on the same engine as the 1997 classic, it was hard to screw up.  This game mostly keeps what worked while adding enough improvements to succeed as a sequel.  

       The controls are mostly the same, with the most notable exception of a secondary weapon function that can be conveniently activated by holding B.  There’s also an option to uninvert the Y-Axis.  That’s a nice separation of Church and State despite the divine morality’s demanding that Y-Axises be inverted. Graphics are a notable improvement.  The visuals are more shadowy and atmospheric with some slight dynamic lighting.  The lights that display glare (which actually enhances the atmosphere) can be shot out, making the area darker.  Crude flakes that fly from bullet holes are replaced with sparks, which are more compatible with the graphical limitations.  I usually don’t like the bullet spark cliché, but here it works.  Bullet-proof glass even has its own unique non-penetrated bullet hole effect.  The violence is also improved.  In addition to blood stains on the character we have copious amounts of remarkably well-textured blood stains spread out on the walls behind NPC’s.  Reinforcing the carnage are some small gib-polygons and a nice head jerk for headshots.  Explosions now lack visible fragments;  it looks less impressive, but makes more sense considering the lack of shrapnel damage anyway.  The game now features full voice acting thanks to the improved memory.  An Expansion Pak is required for the game unless you want to limit it to 2-player deathmatch or certain other basic side features.

        The multiplayer adds options of co-op and counter-op campaign modes, but the real feature of course is in deathmatch, featured under the Combat Simulator menu.  Almost everything all the strengths of GoldenEye’smultiplayer are present with a few improvements.  Bots of various types and difficulty can be added or even played against alone.  The most notable boon is the higher quality of the maps.  In the first game the only really great ones are The Library, The Temple, and the The Complex, and maybe (I know this is an unpopular take) The Caves.  Most of the others were rehashed Campaign maps.  Perfect Dark features over 10 new maps, and practically all of them are worth playing on.  It also includes Complex and Temple, but drops the ball on Library in favor of Facility.  I’ve said this before but I’ve always found Facility to be an overrated map; it’s too linear to be a good multiplayer board.  What’s worse is that I would count the Library as the best classic map.  

       Another good thing in the multiplayer is the ability to customize weapon sets, which is good because I was always annoyed by the weapon intersectionality GoldenEye’s multiplayer.  You also get to choose which song plays during the match and save customized player files with control preferences.  There was supposed to be a feature that allowed you to use the Game Boy Camera to superimpose your face onto players, but this was scrapped after Columbine.  The new ability to dual wield in multiplayer is also much appreciated.  Unfortunately, I don't think you can use Classic Weapons in multiplayer.  In this game you can now run off edges, and it's a neat strategic twist that you can knock an opponent into an abyss and have it count against him instead of for you.

       In an interesting innovation, the game allows the player to explore the Carrington Institute on foot to enjoy training features in various rooms.  This allows one to familiarize oneself with devices, and a weapons range allows you to unlock a few Classic guns.  Various cool cheats include Perfect Darkness as well as some classics, but many of these don’t even require time limits so they’re gimmes.  Paintball Mode has been demoted to an option.  There is some humor in the form of a piece of cheese hidden in every level.

      The music, composed by David Clynick, Grant Kirkhope, and Graeme Norgate is one of my favorites in video game history.  Whereas GoldenEye’s mostly limited itself to interpretations of the Bond theme, this score features a varied original soundtrack full of melody and ambience.  It mixes techno, metal, and classical elements for a great cyberpunk feel.

       There are some weaknesses in addition to the Library’s not making the cut.  Despite the expanded options in the list-based menu, its format is not nearly as convenient as GoldenEye’s GUI.  One frustration is the limitation of the blur effect, which occurs when you are punched or hit with a tranquilizer.  It would have been a great feature for multiplayer, but it’s hardwired to lessen over time and endures after a respawn, which is just cheap.  It also happens on the Disarm feature of Unarmed, which is too much.  Also some of the weapons (MagSec-4, RC-P120) are not utilized well in campaign mode, and others are completely wasted in Mulitplayer (Laptop Gun, RC-P120, Farsight XR-20) due to ill-advised secondary functions.  The Bonus Boards are mostly recycled maps.  An inconsequential “flaw” is that it lacks the airtight board design that prevents out-of-bounds exploration, a detail that has both frustrated and impressed speed-runners about GoldenEye.     

       The plot is relatively interesting.  You are Joanna Dark (Eveline Fischer), an agent in a paramilitary organization run by eccentric businessman Daniel Carrington (Chris Sutherland).  He sends you to rescue a mole in the Carrington Institutes rival company dataDyne.  Ultimately this unravels a plot in which dataDyne’s CEO Cassandra De Vries (Louise Tilston) is in league with a warlike race of aliens called the Skedar, who are secretly planning to destroy the earth.  Carrington knows about this thanks to his contact with a benevolent species of aliens called the Maians, who have been at war with the Skedar for years.  I find it odd that the Maians are Greys since that seems to go against years of real-life alien lore that makes it clear they’re kinda assholes.  It’s an interesting enough plot to warn of spoilers in the campaign recap.  It’s also one of the games I’d like to see an adaptation of.

       Despite some flaws, Perfect Dark is exactly what a video game sequel should be, and it’s a must have for any fan of the first game.  Sadly, Nintendo fans have been denied any port since Microsoft bought Rare and squandered the franchise’s potential.  The less that’s said about Perfect Dark: Zero the better, but XBLA port of Perfect Dark is near flawless.  Its only real difference is improved graphics with a few awkward redesigns like that of the Maians and Mr. Blonde.

MATT. DAMON.

BOARD RECAP (SPOILERS)

Here is a rundown of the Campaign Mode.  The story is divided into Missions, but the gameplay is divided into individual boards.  An interesting oversight is that you get a different weapons/tool set in each board, and this can get annoying at times.

1. dataDyne Central: Defection

After being dropped off by a hovercraft at the datDyne’s central headquarters (which goes unnoticed despite a secretary’s seeing the flyby), you are tasked with shooting your way through the place in order to rescue the mysterious Dr. Carroll, a defector implied to be in danger of a mind wipe.  At this point it’s hard to ignore that you’re basically massacring a whole bunch of guards whose only apparent crime was picking the wrong company to provide security for.  Of course you’re not allowed to kill Cassandra despite her culpability.  One also wonders why she doesn’t simply call the cops and have Carrington & Co. arrested.  I know she’s got something to hide, but it’s not like Carrington’s explanation would fly.  

The place is named the Lucerne Tower, which is what I thought of instad of milk when the Buick Lucerne came out.  Then again I live in Purity country.

2. dataDyne Central: Investigation

After accessing the secret elevator at ground level, you explore the classified labs underground.  More shooting and killing occurs until you find Dr. Carroll (Chris Seavor), only to discover that he is in fact a robot whose advance AI enabled him to grow a conscience.

3. dataDyne Central: Extraction

Essentially you have fight your way up the first map in the opposite direction.  This time there’s a lights-out (you have NV goggles), and there are tons of barricades set up.  This might be tricky considering that Dr. Carroll will often hover in front of you without cover while annoying asking you if you know what you’re doing.  In harder modes you have to deal with a dataDyne attack hovercopter that shoots at you until you take cover.  It’s actually pretty thrilling to play cat-and-mouse with it.  You finally face Cassandra and her butch brigade (after the game forces you to stand in front of them without cover).  The closing cutscene reveals her mysterious co-conspirator Mr. Blonde (Duncan Botwood).

4. Carrington Villa: Hostage One

Apparently Carrington has stupidly brought Dr. Carroll to his villa with no security and guess what.  Now he’s being held hostage by dataDyne.  CI’s plan involves endangering a negotiator while obviously dropping you off in a big dropship.  After rescuing the negotiator from execution, you must reactivate Carrington’s wind turbine (he hates birds), and rescue him.  You have the option of destroying every bottle in his absurdly large wine cellar, prompting him to quip.

5. Chicago: Stealth

While Carrington is now safe, dataDyne has made off with Dr. Carroll and has now reprogrammed him.  Carrington’s hunch is that they have a backup of his AI in a safe at one of their front companies.  Ontologically, I would argue he’s dead, and you’re rescuing a second copy of him.  You pick up a package that has been dropped off separately for some reason, contend with a pointlessly aggressive droid, and encounter a sassy pimp in a limo before you enter the G5 building.

6. G5 Building: Reconnaissance 

You send a camspy into a “soundproof” (despite the open tunnel allowing the device access) room in which Cassandra, Mr. Blonde, and NSA Director Trent Easton (Sutherland) discuss their plans.  Mr. Blonde harangues Cassandra for not predicting that the self-aware AI (the game get a points for correctly using the term “sapient”) would form a conscience, and Cassandra asserts “no one could have predicted that” (except maybe every sci-fi writer ever).  Mr. Blonde reveals that as evil as he is he cares about his men by complaining that his team will have to take it to "the core" themselves, because Caroll apparently needed a personality to move.  He calls Trent out on failing to talk the president into loaning dD the “Pelagic II,” musing that the latter overestimated his influence over the world leader.  Easton responds with a blatant Distinction without Difference Fallacy after saying “no” as if his whole mouth was filled with peanut butter.  You then recover Dr. Carroll’s back-up file.   

7. Area 51: Infiltration

You just completed the Chicago Mission only to get an urgent message from Carrington informing you that a “friend” needs an emergency rescue.  At this point Jo discovers aliens are involved.  You must rescue a Grey before he is dissected.  I’ve never understood the Alien Vivisection trope.  Aside from its being needlessly evil, it’s also provoking an advance race into interstellar war.  Once again Jo has to kill a whole bunch of people whose culpability in this is vague.  This time it’s US Military personnel! 

The board has a lot of long-to-mid-range shooting so it’s odd that the only available weapons are a MagSec-4 (which is worthless at long-range) and a scopeless Falcon 2.  It isn’t until you get inside when you get a Dragon.  It’s also the only board that features a MagSec despite its being a fun close-range weapon. 

Higher difficulties make you contend with a drone fighter, which is pretty thrilling. 

8. Area 51: Rescue

You finally meet the actual CI spy Jonathan (Steve Malpass) when he shoots a guard for you without alerting the ones just down the hallway.  He and Jo banter and flag each other, and Jonathon quips that he could alert more guards if Jo likes (as if he didn’t just shoot a .357 right there).  He then informs you of a weak spot in the wall that accesses the lab area.  Of course he doesn’t just tell you where the spot is, he just puts a barely noticeable X on it while you have to search this massive area with the help of X-Ray glasses.  Thanks, Jonathon, it’s not like we’re on the clock here (actually there is no time limit until you actually enter the lab room the alien is about to be operated upon).  He provides you with a hovering crate bomb to blow the wall up.  You will fail the mission if it goes off prematurely but if you blow up the wall with a secondary-mode Dragon you will unfail it.  You then disguise yourself to enter the lab area.  This board has a very good, ominous soundtrack.  

9. Area 51: Escape

You rescue the alien just in the nick of time, but the doctor activates nerve gas in the room accidentally killing himself easily while giving you an extremely minor cough.  After that non-threat, you contact Jonathan and wake up the alien, a jivey fellow named Elvis (Malpass).  When you make it to his ship, he suddenly realizes that it can only seat two people.  Apparently attempting to cram three in is out of the question, so you have to make it out on a speeder bike.

10. Air Base: Espionage

Now you have to go out and rescue the president from the plan to clone him.  Before the mission, Carrington tells you not to kill the Air Force security (not like all those guys at Area 51 got that kind of benefit of the doubt) while announcing that the NSA agents are fair game under that massive assumption that they have all consented to Easton’s alien conspiracy.  Entering through the front door will trigger the weapons scan, so you just enter through an unlocked side door in the same room right in front of people without arousing suspicion.  You then deactivate security and sneak onto a remarkably ugly futuristic Air Force One. 

It interesting to note that this Air Force base has got to be the most luxurious military base I’ve ever seen.  The entire place is built in high-polished granite and designed in an attractively monolithic style.  Apparently this is a problem with the Air Force. Your tax money at work, people.

11. Air Force One: Antiterrorism

After the plane takes off, Trent gives the President (Botwood) a last chance before he orders his men to take over.  You fight your way to the President’s office and show him the G5 recording of the conspiracy, which is apparently enough for him to entrust his safety to you.  Unfortunately, an unknown alien ship docks with Air Force One and you can’t blow up the umbilical.  Elvis, in his own ship, can’t shoot it because his lasers jam, so, being the proficient problem-solver he is, decides to crash his ship into the other ship, sending everyone tumbling into the Arctic mountains.

12. Crash Site: Confrontation

Despite Air Force One’s being smashed into giant chunks spread miles apart, every important character somehow survives.  Jo even wakes up after apparently having been flung from the plane.  By the time she does, the bad guys have already regrouped and captured the president.  Jo must fight various Mr. Blondes, kill the clone president (who was foolishly positioned over an opening in a cave) and rescue the real one.  Afterwards Mr. Blonde reveals himself to be a Skedar in disguise before killing Easton. 

13. Pelagic II: Exploration

It’s revealed that the Pelagic II is a unique deep-sea research vessel that is necessary for some sort of plan dataDyne has.  Unable to get permission from the president the bad guys essentially decide they’re going take it over, since that’s how it work in this game.  Well, Jo and Elvis take it back over.  Before embarking in the submersible, they scuttle the ship.  Elvis second-guesses the decision to demolish this expensive government property, but Jo brushes it off because she just likes to blow shit up.

14. Deep Sea: Nullify Threat

In a surprisingly alien setting for the Goldeneye engine, we find ourselves on a crashed ancient alien ship at the bottom of the ocean.  Apparently the bad guys have used Dr. Carroll to activate its superweapon and destroy earth.  Jo reinserts the unaltered AI into him and Carroll tells her to leave before he sacrifices himself to destroy the craft. The opening cutscene is wonderfully ominous and makes good use of Dutch angles.

15. Carrington Institute: Defense

Jo and Carrington prepare to celebrate by introducing the President officially to the Maians, but dataDyne and the Skedar invade the Institute.  Jo must rescue various hostages and blow up a Skedar ship.  She succeeds in getting everyone to safety, but is captured by the Skedar.  This is a frustrating board for reasons I go into under RC-P120.

16. Attack Ship: Covert Assault

Jo wakes up in a holding cell on a Skedar warship with Cassandra, who reveals that she was used by these aliens.  She sacrifices herself as a diversion, allowing Jo to commandeer the vessel with the help of Elvis and a few Maian soldiers. 

17. Skedar Ruins: Battle Shrine
Elvis drops off Jo on the Skedar homeworld to finish it.  The final boss battle involves killing the chief Skedar, who looks like a big hash monster, by blowing up a big marijuana leaf behind him.  So far the only board I have yet to beat on Agent.

BONUS: Mr. Blonde’s Revenge

You get to play as Mr. Blonde as he infiltrates The Lucerne Tower and kidnaps Cassandra

BONUS: Maian SOS

You play as Elvis as he makes a last ditch effort to temporarily escape capture long enough to destroy your ship and send an SOS to the Carrington Institute.  Apparently a highly unliked and unsatisfactory board.

BONUS: WAR!

You play as a Maian soldier mopping up Skedar after Jo’s final mission.  You must kill three Skedar king clones.

WEAPONS

UNARMED

Secondary Function: Disarm

Lacks the humorous quality of the slap, but adds a twist in that punching someone blurs his vision until he’s punched enough to die.  Unfortunately this feature is transferred onto the disarm function (which steals his weapon), which makes it a little too cheap.

FALCON 2

IRL: Colt Double Eagle

8/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: Pistol Whip

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: Yes

A simple workhorse handgun: accurate and effective.  It can also be equipped with a Hollywood Silencer or scope.  The latter is quite effective for long range.  It features an integral laser sight despite Jo’s HUD sights; you’d think all that would do is give away one’s position.  I’m not sure why a video game about the future would feature an unsuccessful 90’s handgun design that was discontinued by the time said game was in production.  Perfect Dark Zero features the Falcon 1, based on the Glock 17.  It’s one of the few guns in that game without an oddly truncated magazine, but in-universe it seems like a baffling downgrade.          

MAGSEC 4

IRL: Beretta Auto 9 (allegedly)

9/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: 3-Round Burst

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: Yes

It looks great and makes an awesome sound, but its bark is worse than its bite.  Unlike its real-life counterpart, which holds 20 rounds, it only holds 9 rounds (this team has apparently never heard of high-capacity pistol mags), which is especially short for 3-round bursts.   Even though it’s suggested to have a magnetic acceleration system for the bullets, which would suggest greater penetration and accuracy, it doesn’t shoot through anything and you can’t hit anything at more than ten feet.  And to add insult to injury, it’s got a scope!  It’s sometimes described as the Klobb of the game for its blatant inaccuracy, but even that’s unfair.  It’s an effective and fun close-range weapon in multiplayer (especially dual-wielded), and it’s fun to watch people occasionally fly back 20 ft when you shoot them in single-player.  It would be nice if it had high penetration.  Unfortunately, it’s only available in one campaign board.  It’s one that emphasizes long-range sniping, and the only guns available to you are this and a scopeless Falcon 2 until you get a Dragon indoors.       

DY357

IRL: Colt Python

6/200 Magnum Rounds

Secondary Function: Pistol Whip

Penetration: High

Dual Wield: Yes

A solid magnum revolver.  Good stopping power and penetration.  Trent Easton owns a gold-plated one with a tiger-striped grip (DY357-LX) that’s the game’s equivalent to the Golden Gun.

PHOENIX

8/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: Explosive Shells

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: Yes

A Maian handgun.  Despite the oddly alien method of loading ammunition orbs into a membrane, it has a very Terran 8-round magazine.  Typical pistol in primary mode, but the secondary mode is a neat high-explosive feature, like miniature grenades with the trajectories of bullets.  This takes up the same amount of ammo as the primary mode, which strikes me as wasteful and impractical.  Then again, the Maians are an older race than we are and they probably understand some things we don’t.  

MAULER

20/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: Charge-Up Shot

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: Yes

A Skedar gun.  Despite its alien appearance, it has a slide and a ribbed magazine.  The instruction manual claims that it will fire as fast as you can pull the trigger, but it has a set firing rate when you hold the Z button, and you can’t bump-fire it like the other pistols.  Dual-wielded, it makes a nice sound while firing alternately, but the game always wants the two guns to fire simultaneously.  Secondary mode makes the gun charge up while eating a few extra rounds.  Holding the trigger will make the gun fire normally afterwards.  It’s a surprisingly effective feature in multiplayer, since a single charged shot will kill an unshielded opponent.

CMP150

IRL: Steyr TMP

32/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: Follow Lock-On

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: Yes

dataDyne’s primary submachine gun.  The bad news is that it’s the weakest SMG in the game, at least until you unlock the DMC, ZZG and the KLO1313.  The good news is that it’s still a pretty good gun.  Has a high rate of fire.  The game designers must have mistaken the TMP’s thick barrel for some kind of integral suppressor, so the gun makes a distinctive silenced sound.  The secondary mode basically has the gun aim for you.  When you hold down the aim button and rollover your targets, the gun will assign a number for each and then shoot at them in order.  It shoots each target with perfect accuracy and automatically moves on to the next the instant he dies.  It looks cool, but it requires no skill.

CYCLONE

50/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: Magazine Discharge

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: Yes

A futuristic SMG with a cool report and a nice blue muzzle flash.  The instruction manual describes it as inaccurate, but this only really applies to the secondary mode, which sprays the whole magazine automatically.  It’s an effective submachine gun, but is unfortunately only available on one single player level.  The bulbous shape of the gun would make it hard to conceal and handle in real life, but Secret Service Agents seem to be able to hide it in their form-fitting suits seamlessly.

CALLISTO NTG

32/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: High-Impact Shells

Penetration: Low (Primary Fire)/High (Secondary Fire)

Dual Wield: No

A Maian submachine gun.  In primary fire, its cyclic rate is highly inconsistent, and game engine’s rate of fire/distance to object lag is even worse in this gun than any other.  The secondary mode greatly reduces the rate of fire while allowing the bullets to fire through objects.  Disappointingly, it’s the only automatic weapon in the game with penetration.   Dual Wield would have been appreciated. 

LAPTOP GUN

50/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: Deploy as Sentry Gun

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: No

The Carrington Institute’s covert SMG which folds into a laptop.  It’s modeled after one of CI’s popular laptop models, making it more effective as a covert weapon than its real-life counterparts.  Unlike most SMG’s in the game it has burst fire (tapping the trigger automatically lets off three rounds rather than one).  It makes a cool sci-fi sound effect when fired.  Its secondary function is to magically turn into a Gatling gun turret which shoots at enemies with 100% accuracy.  This would be a fun multiplayer feature if it didn’t know the difference between friend and foe.  As it is, it’s a bit of a gamebreaker for multiplayer.   

RC-P120

120/800 Pistol Rounds

Secondary Function: Cloaking Device

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: No

The most frustrating gun in the game.  As a follow-up to the RC-P90, it’s disappointing.  It doesn’t look as cool, it doesn’t make that awesome sound, and it has no penetration.  It has an excellent magazine, but that’s all its got going for it.  It’s hard to ruin a decent SMG with a 120 round mag, but they manage to do it. 

     This gun is wasted in a way that’s hard to do by accident.  It’s like they decided to just f--k with gamers.  It’s only in one level and that level is set up so that you can’t possibly have any fun with it.  You don’t get it until well into the level, and the enemies have a strong shield which offsets the advantages of this gun.  As soon as you get the damn thing, you’re immediately summoned to defuse a bomb, and the quick run from point A to point B shooting whomever you happen to come across along the way is the only time you get to use it in campaign mode.

      Oh, well.  At least we get to have fun with it in multiplayer, right?  Well, not unless you want to complicate the match with a cloaking device, because for some asinine reason that’s the secondary function.  Not that you’d want to use it.  The controls for the CD are awkward and it eats up bullets like crazy (it’s powered by the bullets, which makes no sense).    

DRAGON 

30/400 Rifle Rounds

Secondary Function: Proximity Self-Destruct

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: No

This big, fat ugly gun is a solid assault rifle, although it fires in Rapid Fire instead of Burst Fire.  Secondary Fire is turning it into a proximity mine and throwing it away.  This has potential for fun surprises in multiplayer.

K7 AVENGER

IRL: Steyr ACR (?)

25/400 Rifle Rounds

Penetration: Low

Secondary Function: Threat Detector

Dual Wield: No

An effective assault rifle with a satisfying report and a neat look.  The instruction manual makes a gross understatement by saying that its 25-round magazine is “perhaps” too small.  It’s also not divisible by three, which makes little sense for a burst-fire gun.  Still, the gun is good for mid-range sniping if you use controlled bursts, and full automatic is useful for point-blank confrontations.  If not for the short magazine, I might call it the best standalone AR in the game.  The secondary fire is a threat detector for mines and other hazards, which is useful but almost defeats the purpose of hiding mines in multiplayer.

AR34

IRL: FAMAS

30/400 Rifle Rounds

Secondary Function: Run while Zoomed

Dual Wield: No

A solid, accurate AR from the Carrington Institute.  As a follow-up to the AR33, it’s disappointing because of its lack of penetration (it also doesn’t make the intimidating noise and muzzle flash of its predecessor). 

SUPERDRAGON

30/400 Rifle Rounds, 6/40 Grenade Rounds

Secondary Function: Grenade Launcher

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: No

Arguably the best gun in the game.  Primary mode is the same as the Dragon’s and the transition to secondary is easy and quick.  The grenade launcher shoots medium-sized grenades (out of the same barrel as the rifle somehow) at an impressive rate.  Great for both campaign and multiplayer, but not in enough of the former.

CI 2010 SNIPER RIFLE

IRL: Walther WA 2000

8/400 Rifle Rounds

Secondary Function: Crouch

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: No

Same functionality as the sniper rifle from the last game except you have the option of improving accuracy by crouching while zoomed.

FARSIGHT XR-20

8/100 Energy Orbs

Secondary Function: Target Locator

Penetration: Very High

Dual Wield: No

A rail gun with an adjustable X-Ray scope that allows you to reach out and touch someone anywhere on the map.  What ruins the gun is the Target Locator, which automatically adjusts aim and zoom so that your target is always in your sight.  This makes a gun that would otherwise be great in multiplayer become absurd and unfair. 

REAPER

200/800 Reaper Rounds

Secondary Function: Grinder

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: No

An alien machine gun that spins bladed barrels while spraying a lot of rounds in a general direction.  Fun to use. The Grinder is simply spinning the barrels without firing, which can cut enemies.  The rate of fire takes a second or two to get up to speed unless you try a trick.  Switch to Grinder mode, get grinding and hold down on the B button to switch back to “Reapage” without taking your finger off the trigger.  The Reaper will continue to spin at top speed without firing.  Then, simply release the trigger and press it again quickly.

SHOTGUN

9/100 Shotgun Shells

Secondary Function: Double Blast

Penetration: Low

Dual Wield: No

A big, ugly shotgun with the same functionality as the one from GoldenEye except with a pumping animation and a nonsensical double shot function.

K12 DEVASTATOR

8/40 Grenade Rounds

Secondary Function: Wall Hugger

Dual Wield: No

A grenade launcher with a slower rate of fire than the SuperDragon, but fires larger grenades at a greater range and with a straighter trajectory.  The secondary mode causes the grenades to stick to a wall momentarily before falling to the ground and detonating.

ROCKET LAUNCHER

1/3 Rockets

Secondary Function: Heat-Seeker

Dual Wield: No

Same functionality as the classic rocket launcher except with a heat-seeking secondary function.  The heat-seeker moves more slowly and has a black smoke trail; it’s surprisingly fun to try to evade it.  

SLAYER

1/3 Rockets

Secondary Function: Fly-by-Wire

A neat-looking Skedar rocket launcher.  Secondary mode is a remote-controlled camera function.  The in-game manual speculates this was only done for shits and giggles while ironically musing that the player would be above that.

LASER

Infinite

Secondary Function: Short-Range Stream

Dual Wield: No

Combines the functions of the laser gun and watch laser from GoldenEye

CROSSBOW

5/69

Secondary Function: Instant Kill

Dual Wield: No

A stun weapon used for stealth on the Air Force base level.

GRENADE

12

Secondary Function: Proximity Pinball

Dual Wield: No

Typical grenade in primary mode, but the secondary mode has a lot of fun possibilities in multiplayer and actually makes the weapon relevant.

N-BOMB

12

Secondary Function: Proximity Detonation

Dual Wield: No

Primary Mode is Impact Detonation.  Lets out a black sphere that kills anyone in the radius (or blurs a player’s vision if not in it long enough).  Considering the color of the sphere, I don’t think the name is an accidental joke.

MINES

1/10

Secondary: Threat Detector (Timed and Proximity) Detonator (Remote)

Dual Wield: No

Pretty much the same from GoldenEye, except their conspicuous design lacks the insidious quality of the original.

COMBAT KNIFE

12

Secondary Function: Poison Throw

Dual Wield: Yes

Combines the functions of both knives in GoldenEye with the secondary function needlessly adding a poison/stun effect.

TRANQUILIZER

8/200

Secondary Function: Lethal Injection

Dual Wield: No

A neat little ranged weapon that blurs your opponents vision (causing wandering in NPCs). The Lethal Injection only works in contact range.

PSYCHOSIS GUN

Basically the tranquilizer except it causes NPCs to attack each other.  Only available in one bonus level.

CAMSPY

8

A remote controlled drone that acts as a camera/tranquilizer/bomb depending on the variant.

CLASSIC WEAPON: PP9i

GoldenEye: PP7

IRL: Walther PPK

7/800 Pistol Rounds

CLASSIC WEAPON: CC13

GoldenEye: DD44 Dostovei

IRL: TT33 Tokarev (with Tokagypt grips)

8/800 Pistol Rounds

CLASSIC WEAPON: KLO1313

GoldenEye: Klobb

IRL: Sa vz. 61 Skorpion

20/800 Pistol Rounds

CLASSIC WEAPON: DMC

Goldeneye: D5K Deutsche

IRL: Heckler & Koch MP5K

30/800 Pistol Rounds

CLASSIC WEAPON: ZZT (9mm)

GoldenEye: ZMG (9mm)

IRL: IMI Micro Uzi

32/800 Pistol Rounds

CLASSIC WEAPON: RC-P45

GoldenEye: RC-P90

IRL: FN P90

80/800 Pistol rounds

CLASSIC WEAPON: KF7 SPECIAL

GoldenEye: KF7 Soviet

IRL: AKS-74

30/400 Rifle Rounds

CLASSIC WEAPON: AR53

GoldenEye: AR33 Assault Rifle

IRL: M16

30/400 Rifle Rounds

QUOTES

CASSANDRA: You won't shoot me, you foolish child.

[Jo knocks her out]

NPC: [getting killed by Jo] Ah, you bitch!

CARRINGTON: [after Jo shoots every last bottle in his wine cellar] Act your age, Joanna.

EASTON: We have a contingency plan ready to go, and we will move as soon as the presidential entourage arrives at the air base.  All I need from the president is a tissue sample.

CASSANDRA: Hah!  Assuming you don't get any interference.  If Carrington has pieced together enough of this, he will have called for reinforcements.

EASTON: There will be no outside help from Mr. Carrington.  The technology you gave us is installed in Nevada and fully operational.  We can intercept any craft they use.  

MR. BLONDE: Then the devices we gave you are working correctly?  Good.  Because we believe that anything which does not work correctly should be destroyed.  Consider that as you follow your backup plans.

[Spy footage reveals alien captured in Area 51]

JO: Oh my G-d.

CARRINGTON: Here is our friend.  He appears to be physically unhurt, though he hasn't regained consciousness yet.  By the look of it, the surgeons are almost done with their preliminary tests and will begin dissection soon.

JO: But who was-?

CARRINGTON: Any questions? No? Good.  Away you go to the hangar.

JO: Agent Dark: Mission Log: 1028 Hours.  Against my better judgment, I'm about to enter Area 51. 

JONATHAN: Agent Dark, over here.

JO: There you are.  I was beginning to wonder if...

[Jonathan shoots guard she mistook for him]  

JONATHAN: If what?

JO: If you'd been discovered yet.  And frankly if this is how you work, I'm amazed you lasted more than five minutes.

JONATHAN: I was tidying up one of your loose ends.

JO: My loose ends?

JONATHAN: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted him to shoot you.  I can call in some more guards if you like.

JO: Okay, okay, forget about it.  I'm going to let the Institute know we've made contact.

JONATHAN: The problem you have is that there is not way to sneak into the research section.  The only way available to you is a weak section in the on the wall I've marked on the room beyondthe stores.  It can be destroyed with explosives. 

JO: Doesn't sound like a problem to me.  Where are these explosives?

JONATHAN: In that crate: [activates a hover feature on the crate] 

JO: Cute.  Very cute.

JONATHAN: By they way, stores are crawling with guards.  It may go against your nature, but try sneaking through rather than blasting everything.

JO: Certainly.  Any other pearls of wisdom?

JONATHAN: That crate...

JO: Yes?

JONATHAN: It really doesn't like being shot.

JO: Great.  Now if I can just fight the urge to report him to base security...

MR. BLONDE: You have failed, Easton.  You are a flawed device, and we need you no longer.

EASTON: [pulling gun] Just try it, you Scandinavian freak!

JO: Dr. Caroll, are you in control again?  Can you stop the program?

DR. CAROLL: Yes, I'm back again, my dear.  But the program has run far too long for me to prevent it from completing.  There is only one way out now.  

JO: What do you mean?

DR. CAROLL: When the program has run, I will have control of a vastly powerful weapon.  It cannot be allowed to exist.  So I must destroy the Cetan and, unfortunately, myself along with it.  I'm sorry Joanna.  There is not other way and no time to discuss this.  Go now.  Avoid the Skedar and you will have time to escape.  It has been an honor to work with you.  Goodbye, Joanna Dark.