Friday, December 13, 2013

I Guess Nostalgia Isn't Everything...



 
GI Joe: The Movie
1987
D: Don Jurwich
**********

Pros: Decent animation and action, Some amusingly over-the-top dialogue, Nostalgic value
Cons: Absurd story with a terrible retcon, Terrible hero



      I grew up watching GI Joe.  Even though it has a lot of nostalgic value for me, I do see that in was a silly cartoon in a lot of ways.  Even this direct-to-video movie released after the end of the second season was part of my childhood.  The story was simple: a US military force protecting the world from a sinister terrorist organization named Cobra.  When I revisited GI Joe: The Movie in recent years, I recognized it violated this premise that I had come to like.
       In the movie’s introduction, GI Joe stops Cobra from blowing up the Statue of Liberty.  Now most terrorist organizations would launch a surprise bombing without any warning and then make their demands, but Cobra had the courtesy to send troops parachuting into the city and attacking people cameras.  They must have had terrible counter-intel because the Joes where apparently lying in wait for them.  Cobra then sends one of its high-ranking leaders to plant the bomb in plain sight.  Needless to say, the Joes win the day and the battle ends with Cobra Commander (Chris Latta) calling for a retreat.  The intro is easily the best part of the movie.  The action is good, the animation is excellent and the music is also very enjoyable.
       After this, we see a mysterious figure approach a Cobra base while Serpentor (Richard Gautier) is inside giving Cobra’s High Command a “You-F---ing-Guys” speech.  Cobra Commander does what all of us are tempted to do, but most of us are too smart to do, in this situation and attempts to turn it against Serpentor.  The scene demonstrates why this is a bad idea.  Cobra Commander seems to think everyone else in the room has his back, forgetting that they were the ones who created Serpentor to usurp him in the first place.  Serpentor responds by singling Cobra Commander out for blame and even gains a leadership point by inviting everyone else to speak their minds when the latter accuses him intimidating them into silence.  Predictably, the other Cobras are more than happy to gang up on Cobra Commander now that the heat is no longer on them.
SWO Thermodynamics in action.
Interestingly, he is accused of cowardice, even though founding and running Cobra never stopped him from fighting alongside his troops on the frontlines.  In a sane world that would be considered the opposite extreme.  He’s given an unexpected reprieve when the intruder breaks in.  He intentionally misleads the others in pursuit of the would-be assassin, allowing her to reach Serpentor.  She reveals herself to him as Pythona (Jennifer Darling) and tasks him with capturing an invention called the Broadcast Energy Transmitter.
     In the next scene, Cobra forces attack the Joes in the Himalayas in order to steal the device.  Cobra Commander hypocritically second-guesses Serpentor for wasting resources to steal a top-secret weapon from the Joes, something he’s done multiple times in the past.  I must point out that Serpentor's catch phrase is "This I command!"  Neither he nor the writers realize how awkward that sounds if it's almost always immediately preceded by and imperative sentence.  During the battle Serpentor is captured, and Cobra Commander sees this as an opportunity to retreat.  He leads the Cobras to Cobra-La while being pursued by a few Joes.  They reach it and meet the forces of Cobra-La and Nemesis Enforcer (Peter Cullen), a winged man who communicates in bestial roars.  Cobra Commander greets him and is promptly bitch-slapped to the ground.  Nemesis Enforcer is awesome.
    At the Joes’ base, Beach Head (William Callaway) is training the Rawhides, GI Joe’s newest toy line recruits.  The group consists of a kunoichi named Jinx (Shuko Akune), an explosives expert named Tunnel Rat (Laurie Faso), a spy named Chuckles who seems more like dumb muscle in this movie, an MP named Law (Ron Ortiz), a guy who showed up in a basketball uniform named The Big Lob (Brad Sanders) and Lt. Falcon (Don Johnson).  Falcon is noticeably absent from the training, being too busy giving a tour of the Joes’ Top Secret base to a beautiful woman who turns out to be Cobra spy Zarana (Lisa Raggio).  Unfortunately, Falcon is the hero of the movie.  Duke (Michael Bell) berates him for this, and it is revealed that Falcon is his half-brother.  Beach Head takes other recruits through their needlessly lethal training.  When Tunnel Rat and The Big Lob (who provides his own sports commentary) easily defeat the obstacle course, Beach Head is visibly upset.  I know that a drill sergeant may act unimpressed to recruits to motivate them, but Beach Head’s private display of frustration suggested that he was genuinely angry that his recruits were succeeding.  Yet when he fills in for an AWOL Falcon as a sparring buddy for Jinx and defeats her, he dismisses her from the training until she fights him blindfolded and wins.  Um, Beach Head, isn’t the whole point of training dependent on the trainer’s being more skilled that the trainee?  Also, Jinx is Falcon's love interest, so it makes little sense to put them in the same unit, let alone have them sparring together.  Another test involves Law being told to find some (actual live) explosives.  Law suddenly breaks out his German Shepherd Order, who seems to be a very poorly-trained duty dog since he wants to play fetch with the explosives and almost gets his masters killed.  Beach Head’s a terrible drill instructor.
       Falcon again shirks duty, abandoning a watch post so he can sexually harass Jinx.  When she calls him out for playing hooky, Falcon describes the security barriers that Cobra has to face before they can rescue Serpentor.  In a pretty cool scene, we see the Cobras easily infiltrate each barrier as Falcon describes it.  Their job was made easier by the fact that he was not at his post to sound the alarm, and their rescue succeeds.  It’s bad enough that such an unlikable and deliberately irresponsible man is the hero of this movie.  What makes it worse is that he’s supposedly a Green Beret, which is remarkably insulting to real life Special Forces personnel.  Either he’s some idiot who found a green beret at a surplus store or GI Joe takes place in an alternate universe where Green Berets are useless screw-ups.  In an odd display of nepotism, Falcon’s relation to Duke saves him from the “ultimate punishment,” but he’s still sent to the Slaughterhouse, a rigorous training program run by Sgt. Slaughter (himself).  Somehow putting Falcon in a more elite training program doesn’t seem like appropriate punishment.  When Falcon is dumped by parachute into the desert, he sees a man who is clearly wearing an anti-Cobra symbol and somehow mistakes him for a Cobra.  It turns out he’s one of Slaughter’s trainees, the Renegades.  Slaughter makes him run to base and denies him food for not being fast enough, because who needs nourishment during heavy training?            
     Serpentor is brought to Cobra-La where he meets its leader Golobulus (Burgess Meredith as a probable reference to this movie).  He reveals to him that he was the mastermind behind his creation, not Dr. Mindbender (Brian Cummings).  Apparently, the idea of combining the DNA of various military geniuses into one being was too brilliant for a human mind to conceive….uuuunless you write cartoons, apparently.  Oddly specific advice for future writers: don’t try to claim an idea is inconceivable to the human mind after proving otherwise by describing it.  What’s funny is that this dumb retcon actually seems to be supported in the series (In the episode "Arise, Serpentor, Arise," Mindbender is clearly struggling to comprehend the dream that inspires him to create Serpentor).  It’s the only thing that is.  The entire canon of the GI Joe series comes crashing down when Golobulus tells everyone the “real” history of the terrorist organization called Cobra.  He tells the story of how Cobra-La once ruled the earth but was displaced by humans and their inorganic technology.  When a Cobra-La scientist disfigured himself after sticking his face into some kind of hazardous material, Golobulus chose him to lead an army to retake the earth for Cobra-La.  This man, of course, is Cobra Commander.  So Golobulus just entrusted world domination to a man solely based on his failure to use proper PPE during a science experiment, and he acts surprised that this didn’t work.  Trusting enormous responsibilities to stupid people seems to be a theme in this movie.   
Golobulus is shaped like one of my characters.
      Their plan is to use the B.E.T. the energize spores that are launched into orbit by these giant Space Needle-like plants.  The spores, when matured, will cause humanity to devolve into beasts, allowing Cobra-La to reclaim the world.  This begs two questions: how come no one ever noticed these giant plants, and how does it make evolutionary sense for them to develop a (reproductive?) trait that depends on an artificial power source that has never existed until now?  Naturally, most of the Cobra’s personnel, having just learned that everything they were fighting for was a lie and that there will be no more human civilization to rule over if Cobra-La succeeds, defect.  An alliance of opportunity is formed with the Joes and they work together to defeat this common threat to humanity….oh, wait.  Actually, everyone is totally okay with this.  Seriously, they just go along with all this bulls--- without batting an eye.  This may be because of their loyalty to Serpentor, who has reason to follow his creators.  This ignores the TV show, in which the Cobra leadership was becoming increasingly disillusioned with him as he proved to be no better a leader than Cobra Commander.  In the movie, they practically worship him.  The only one who has a second thought is Zartan (Zach Hoffman), whom Pythona silences with a big gemstone, even though Zartan has no way of knowing just how valuable it is. 
     Golobulus then punishes Cobra Commander for his frequent failures by exposing him to the spores, which cause him to slowly transform into a cobra.  When he is brought to the prison, the Joes attempt a breakout, but only Roadblock (Kene Holliday) and Cobra Commander escape.  They regroup with a group of Joes.  Sgt Slaughter and the Renegades stage an attack on a Cobra base, where they find out about Cobra’s new plans.  A slightly heartwarming scene happens when Mercer (Kristoffer Tambori), a former Cobra Viper, says this is the first he’s heard of this plan.  When the others are skeptical, Sgt. Slaughter says he believes him.  Falcon is captured, and the two funniest moments of the movie happen.  First, Serpentor’s interrogation of him involves light slapping, and then Nemesis Enforcer reacts with annoyance when Serpentor panics during the battle.  The Renegades escape, but Serpentor leads an attack of Cobra-La forces on the Joe base where the B.E.T. is kept.  The Cobra-La military, with its disgusting organic technology, does well in the battle and they succeed in capturing the device.  It makes one wonder why they couldn’t have just done that in the first place when the B.E.T. was right at their doorstep at the beginning of the movie.  Seems like it would save them a lot of time.  I like how Nemesis Enforcer rudely shoves the Dreadnoks out of the way when they can’t penetrate a protective shield.  He’s my favorite character in this movie.  Serpentor attempts to kill Falcon during the battle, but Duke takes the hit and dies lapses into a coma.  Now most Joe fans know the story behind this.  This movie was to come out before Transformers: The Movie, but was delayed.  Duke was supposed to die, but when they decided to change this because of the negative reaction that Optimus Prime’s death invoked from fans.  The change is very transparent.  It’s painfully apparent that his “death” is unaltered with the exception of someone saying he’s gone into a coma without any way of really telling. 
       The Joes invade Cobra-La to save the world.  Sgt. Slaughter fights Nemesis Enforcer and beats him up so bad that he apparently forgets that he could fly when he gets thrown into an abyss.  Jinx fights Pythona, who also falls into said abyss.  Falcon fights Golobulus, who sheds his bulbous hovering body to reveal that he is half snake.  Unable to stop the spores from being energized in time, he uses the B.E.T. to fry them as Golobulus flees to parts unknown.  The Joes flee the fortress as the overloaded B.E.T. causes a massive explosion.  In a painfully lazy and rushed scene, the voice of Doc (Buster Jones) is heard saying that Duke woke up from his coma, and the jubilant reaction of the Joes is quick and barely animated.  The movie ends with Jinx and Falcon looking up at the stars as Falcon says, “Thanks, big brother,” a line which makes no sense unless Duke actually is dead.
       Despite its nostalgic value, G.I. Joe: The Movie is a disappointment.  The story is absurd, even by G.I. Joe standards.  It’s clear that not as much effort was put into this as Transformers: The Movie.  The animation is good by direct-to-video standards and it’s an improvement over that of the show, but maybe borderline for a theatrical release.  Also, aside from the excellent intro music, most of the score is from the cartoon.  It sounds distinctive and adds to the nostalgic atmosphere, though.  Action scenes are good, and there’s a lot of entertaining, if cheesy, dialogue which makes the film watchable.  The Cobra-La retcon is a ridiculous violation of the show’s basic premise.  It must not have been received very well, since the cartoon was sunk until DIC revived it in 1989.  Amusingly, everything about Cobra-La was completely ignored (along with poor Big Lob), and was movie was only acknowledged to the extent that Cobra Commander was still a snake.  The show wasted little time in turning him back into a human and that was last of it.  With this movie providing perspective, it’s hard to accuse the recent live-action movies of “raping” my childhood.  Michael Bay's "Transformers," on the other hand...    



MEMORABLE QUOTES

SERPENTOR: Blunderers!  Fools!  We possess power greater than any on Earth, yet our conquests are stripped from us on every front!  Our most dangerous enemy is not GI Joe, but your collective incompetence!
COBRA COMMANDER: Hogwash!
SERPENTOR: What you dare say?
COBRA COMMANDER: The fault, most imperial Serpentor, lies not within us, but within you! Your leadership has been pompous, pusillanimous and pathetic!
SERPENTOR: Yes, leadership is at the very heart of this matter, but it is not mine that is inadequate, Cobra Commander.  It is yours!  Your ego-driven stupidity has converted victory to catastrophe for the last time!
COBRA COMMANDER: Go ahead, make me the scapegoat.  My loyal subordinates can testify to my superb stewardship of COBRA, but you don’t have the courage to let them speak!
SERPENTOR: Wrong again!  Defend him, if you can.
COBRA COMMANDER: Indeed they shall.  You first, noble Destro.
DESTRO: Militarily speaking, it’s only fair to say that Cobra Commander is a world class…buffoon.
COBRA COMMANDER: What?!  Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, brave Xamot and Tomax, you won’t let Destro’s treacherous assassination of my character go unchallenged, will you?
DR: MINDBENDER: Certainly not!  Destro forgot to mention your frequent displays of cowardice.
COBRA COMMANDER: [Groans]

BARONESS: …and you botched our desert campaign…
DESTRO: We had won, but you countermanded my order!
BARONESS: Your meddling brought us defeat again and again and again!
DR. MINDBENDER: You’re not just a fool, you’re COBRA’s curse!
XAMOT: Inept…
TOMAX: Insufficient…
TOMAX AND XAMOT: Inexcusable!
COBRA COMMANDER: Unsubstantiated fantasy!  Lies!  Lies! Lies!

CROSS-COUNTRY: [chasing his out-of-control Havoc over a hill] Stop!  Stop!  Stop! [running back over the hillGo, go, go!  It’s…
TOMAX: CO-
XAMOT: BRAAA!

QUICK-KICK: Snow Job, need a lift?
SNOW JOB: Maybe walking’s better for my health!
QUICK KICK: Since when are you the nervous type?  YOOO JOE!

SNOW JOB: Man with a problem, Quick-Kick!
QUICK-KICK: What are friends for?

ROADBLOCK: Cobra’s through, what do we do?

JINX: And you should be guarding Serpentor.
FALCON: Don’t sweat it.  Nobody could even get close to the stockade without an ID bracelet [Zarana uses the ID bracelet she lifted off Falcon to gain entrance to the base.  Wow, Falcon's really stupid if he didn't notice that], and even if they faked the bracelet the pentaplastic shield would stop them cold. [Pythona cuts through the shield with her acidic claws]  But for the sake of argument, let’s suppose our mythical intruders did make it into Serpentor’s cell block. 
JINX: Yeah?
FALCON: They’d still have to blast through a couple of yards of super-hard concrete [Monkey Wrench blows up the concrete wall, which should've alerted the base]
JINX: Uh-huh?
FALCON: Then they’d have to get through three of our best guys. [The COBRAs begin to fight the Joe guards]  It’s not just unlikely.  It’s impossible.

ALPINE: The alarm circuit’s been cut! How you at splicing?
GUNG-HO: Nothing like a little on-the-job training!

GOLOBULUS: Be silenced!  Or be silenced.

GOLOBULUS: Nemesis Enforcer, throw this worthless sewage into the Abyss of Oblivion. 
SERPENTOR: No, put him in with the Joe prisoners, so they can see the fate which awaits them.
PYTHONA: I like that.  It’s poetic in its own simplicity.
GOLOBULUS: [rubbing his eyes] A trifle melodramatic…

SERPENTOR: [lightly slapping Falcon] How many in your force? What is the purpose of your mission?  You can’t resist forever…

SERPENTOR: Nemesis Enforcer, finish him off!  We have work to do!  AAAHH!!  HELP! NEMESIS ENFORCER, HELP MEEE!!!!!!

SERPENTOR: He took the snake meant for your heart, but his sacrifice will be in vain!  This I command!

GOLOBULUS: The last thing you will hear is the cracking of your vertebrae one by one!

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