Michael Bay Movies Ranked

While most mediocre directors at least seem to be earnest, Bay doesn’t seem to care about the movies he makes, a trait I find particularly irksome.  His best work is the Aaron Burr milk commercial.

12. “Transformers”

2007

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As someone who considers these characters part of my childhood, I was disappointed when, after all that build-up, they were nothing more than gag “characters.”  Aside from not allowing the Transformers to be protagonists in their own movie, Bay also sullied my childhood memories with inappropriately crude humor.  It was very clear that they didn’t give a crap.

 

11. “Transformers:” Revenge of the Fallen

2009

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While the more improved action sequences make this movie marginally more fun than its predecessor, that doesn’t help much.  It’s very much like the first “Transformers” on crack: the action is given a boost, but unfortunately so is the racist and juvenile comic relief.

10. Pearl Harbor

2001

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Quite possibly the most insulting war movie I’ve ever seen.  Yet another Historical Love Triangle movie.  I’m usually not a stickler for fake accents, but Ben Afflecks Southern accent is beyond awful.  At least it produced a good soundtrack and this hilarious song.

9. “Transformers:” Dark of the Moon

2011

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Sam Witwicky and Jeong’s character where thankfully the only truly irritating aspects of this movie.  The action had its moments, but it was really long and tedious toward the end.  The movie is mediocre, but it’s the first of Bay’s “Transformers” movies I did not actively despise.

 

8. “Transformers:” The Last Knight

2017

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Incredibly tedious and overly long.  So formulaic that it this point you can actually guess what happens.

 

7. The Island

2005

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How can you waste a cast that includes Steve Buscemi, Sean Bean, Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johanssen and Djimon Hounsou?  Well, you do if you’re Michael Bay.  Particularly bad is the movie’s team of moronic team of mercenaries who all have the collective intelligence of one domestic turkey.  The movie’s premise is also suspiciously similar to that of an MST3K movie, and the MST3K movie is better.  At least the score is very good.

6. Armageddon

1998

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Awesome score.  Bad movie.

5. Bad Boys II

2003

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The movie has some good action (including an excellent car chase scene), but its vulgar sense of humor brings it down.  I might have been more prepared for the awfulness of “Transformers” if I had watched this movie beforehand.  Not really interested in watching the first movie.

 

4. “Transformers:” Age of Extinction

2014

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It’s not the real movie, but I found it to be surprisingly passable.  Mark Wahlberg’s replacing Shia LaBeouf helps a great deal, and the vulgar humor if finally toned down to a tolerable level.  I’m confident that this and The Last Knight are the “best” of this series, but my judgment of the two might be somewhat skewed.  Aside from the low expectations set by the previous movies, I also watched this one in multiple sittings, which made it more tolerable.  Conversely, I watched Last Knight right after watching another movie in the theatre, so that didn’t help.

3. Pain & Gain

2013

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This would have been a great dark comedy if it weren’t tastelessly based on a real life tragedy.  The vicious killers were reimagined as lovable buffoons (with the exception of Wahlberg’s character), and their victims were made out to be like jerks so we could find the crime more amusing.

2. The Rock

1996

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A good popcorn movie.  Has a good score, too.  The only decent movie Bay has made until…

1. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

2016

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A solid, well-made war movie in which Bay’s stylistic quirks are surprisingly effective.  I had no idea that Bay was actually capable of making such a movie.  Unlike what many hacks claimed, it did not politicize the event very much at all.  Unfortunately it did not give local Libyan forces their due credit.

Average: 4.1