Lightsaber Fights Ranked

I'm limiting myself to duels from the canon movies.  The aspects on which I'm grading aren't necessarily going to average into the overall ranking.

Of course there are 

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

21. REY vs. HERSELF

Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Winner: N/A

A cheap knock-off of the cave scene from Empire.  Instead of subtle forshadowing, it’s obvious messaging about Rey’s well-established doubts.  It’s short-lived and features a silly, gimmicky lightsaber.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C-

PASSION: C-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: D

CHOREOGRAPHY: D

MUSIC: D-

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: D-

 

 

 

20. ANAKIN vs. DOOKU

The Clone Wars

Winner: Draw

Spoils the supposed gap between Round 1 and Round 2.  Mostly seemed like filler.  

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: D-

PASSION: D

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C-

CHOREOGRAPHY: C+

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B

 

 

 

19. OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN vs. DOOKU, ROUND 1

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Winner: Dooku

A mostly forgettable fight that didn’t do much other than establish that Anakin is rash and Dooku is powerful.  At least it does provide our heroes with a setback and a setup for the rematch.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C+

PASSION: D+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C

CHOREOGRAPHY: C-

MUSIC: C

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B-

  

18. YODA vs. SHEEV

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Sheev

Despite an amusing moment at the beginning, it’s mostly pointless and overly gimmicky.  I said before that Yoda’s appearance in the prequels spoiled his mystique, and it doesn’t make much sense for him to fare worse against Sheev than Mace does.  The fight also divides our attention between itself and Obi-Wan vs. Vader, Round 1.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C

PASSION: D+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B+

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: B-

SCENERY: B+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

 

17. REY vs. KYLO REN

Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Winner: Kylo

The fight in TFA gave me unrealistically high hopes.  This one is underwhelming, and the choreography isn’t much to write home about.  In one notable moment Kylo starts using his lightsaber underhanded, but it’s not stylized like it is with Ahsoka, so it looks just as stupid as would look if someone tried that in real life.  Surprisingly, he ends up getting the drop on Rey, who gives him a chair to the back when Leia distracts him from the entrance.  This may reduce Rey’s Sue status, but these efforts to do so in TROS are too little, too late.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C

PASSION: C

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B-

CHOREOGRAPHY: C-

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: A

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B

16. OBI-WAN vs. ASAJJ VENTRESS 

The Clone Wars

Winner: Draw

Decent choreography and scenery but completely pointless.  There’s no investment and they pretty much call the fight off when the mission objective leaves the system.  I wonder if that factored into Sheev's decision to eventually throw her under the bus.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: B

PASSION: F

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A-

CHOREOGRAPHY: B+

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: A-

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A- 

15. REY and KYLO REN vs. THE PRAETORIAN GUARD

Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

Winners: Rey and Kylo

After Ben gives Snoke a chair to the back, this ensues.  The choreography is laughable from a conflict point of view, but this could have worked brilliantly as a cathartic action scene with appropriate music, and a plot that actually went somewhere afterward.  The character significance is somewhat spoiled by the lack of cooperation between the two until Rey saves Ben's butt at the end.  A frustrating and not-often criticized problem in modern movies is that filmmakers have forgotten how to score epic, cathartic action.  They think that all you need for such scenes is a motif for the buildup before you downplay the music when the action starts.  No, no, no.  You keep that shit going.  Watching heroes finally overcome evil after a grind is not satisfying without the sound.  Still, the buildup is cool, and I like the blood red motif of the scenery.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: D-

PASSION: A-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C

CHOREOGRAPHY: C

MUSIC: F

SCENERY: A-

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

 

14. YODA vs. DOOKU

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Winner: Yoda

Pointless, but cool.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: F

PASSION: F

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: D

CHOREOGRAPHY: A

MUSIC: C

SCENERY: C

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

13. REY vs KYLO REN

Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Winner: DRAW

Watching Rey and Kylo fight pointlessly was tedious considering that their relationship should have developed in a significant way at the end of TLJ.  The use of scenery transitioning and mixing together looked cool, though.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: F

PASSION: B+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B-

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: B-

SCENERY: A

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

12. QUI-GON vs. MAUL: ROUND 1

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Winner: Maul

In the first chronological lightsaber fight of the series, Qui-Gon faces off alone with Maul right before they leave Tatooine.  After leaving Anakin in the heroically running ahead of Anakin while being pursued, he faild to beat the Sith apprentice because he’s Qui-Gon.  He’s forced to flee like a punk as the Nubian flies away.  It’s subtle foreshadowing of how the next fight goes.  Editing’s a bit choppy, but the music is good. 

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C+

PASSION: C

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C-

CHOREOGRAPHY: C+

MUSIC: A-

SCENERY: C

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: D

 

11. OBI-WAN vs. GRIEVOUS

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Obi-Wan

The editing is incoherent, and Grievious doesn’t put up much of a fight, but his sense of style and leitmotif makes this one of the more memorable fights.  Too bad Grievous isn't as badass as he is in Clone Wars.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: B-

PASSION: C-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: D

CHOREOGRAPHY: D-

MUSIC: A

SCENERY: D+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: F

 

10. QUI-GON AND OBI-WAN vs. MAUL

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Winners: Maul, then Obi-Wan

A fun, highly choreographed fight that had a nice anyone-can-die element.  Still it mostly lacked a raw emotionality til the end.  The environment seemed a bit forced, especially those shields that serve no apparent purpose.  Great score.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: B+

PASSION: C+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: B+

MUSIC: A+

SCENERY: C

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

 

9. LUKE vs. KYLO

Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

Winner: Luke (kinda)

In this faceoff, the Kylo and Co. are strutting about the ring intimidating everyone when Finn comes up to challenge them, only to get a chair to the back from Rose.  Kylo and Hux’s reveling at that is short lived as the stadium goes dark and Luke Skywalker appears with fireworks and rock music.  Agitated, Kylo still reluctantly fights him but never lands a blow, only because Luke is playing with him.

    It’s a fun scene even though it’s based on cheating the lore of the force.  It’s enhanced by great cinematography from Steve Yedlin, and the binary sun is a nice touch at the end.  Also has a good buildup theme.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: C-

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: C

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: A-

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

 

 

8. REY and FINN vs. KYLO REN

Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Winner: Rey

It seems JJ took notes during Mr. Plinkett’s videos, because this fight eschews choreography for visceral brutality while taking advantage of the surprisingly novel environment.  As a result, it’s one of the more enjoyable duels from an action perspective.  One nice touch is Kylo’s punching himself as a distraction from the pain of his bowcaster wound and using the quillons to torture Finn during the fight.  Excellent sound design as well.

Unfortunately, the plot development here is atrocious.  We were hyped up to see Finn, a former stormtrooper, become a Jedi, and instead, we got a female version of Luke.  Even more egregiously, Rey manages to win despite the experience deficit between her and Ren.  

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: F

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A-

CHOREOGRAPHY: A

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

 

 

7. OBI-WAN vs. VADER, ROUND 2

Episode IV: A New Hope

Winner: Vader

Although underwhelming from a choreography standpoint, it makes sense for both parties to be cautious. Obi-Wan’s death has significance for Luke, but the passion between to two foes wasn’t even properly established yet.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: D-

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: C+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

 

6. OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN vs. DOOKU, ROUND 2

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Dooku, then Anakin

After Dooku defeats Obi-Wan, Anakin bests him then reluctantly executes him at Sheev’s behest.  Dooku’s death is brutal, and Anakin’s deed mirrors the temptation that Luke resisted in ROTJ.  The “too dangerous to be allowed to live” line came up later as proof of the Jedi’s hypocrisy in Anakin’s eyes.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: B-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B-

CHOREOGRAPHY: B-

MUSIC: D

SCENERY: B+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: C+

 

 

 

 

 

5. MACE WINDU et. al. vs. SHEEV

Episdode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Mace 

The scene that triggered Anakin’s fall.  Mace brings a bunch of Jedi to arrest Sheev after finding out he’s the villain, but they must have been dead weight because they’re all dispatched within a minute.  Mace then beats Sheev in a fair fight until Anakin comes in with a chair to the back.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: A-

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: D+

SCENERY: B

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

4. LUKE vs. HIMSELF

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Loser: Luke

A horror scene in which Luke faces off against a vision he mistakes for Vader, but turns out to be a representation of himself.  The scene foreshadows the twist and Luke’s lack of preparation for it and has great atmosphere to boot.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A

PASSION: A

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B+

CHOREOGRAPHY: B

MUSIC: A-

SCENERY: A

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A

 

 

3. OBI-WAN vs VADER, ROUND 1

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Winner: Obi-Wan

While one of the best fights in parts, it’s brought down significantly by the cartoonish choreography when they take it outside.  When they’re jumping on platforms and swinging on cables, I almost expected to hear cartoon music. However, before that point it has some of the best choreography.  It’s brutal and visceral, with a sense of anger and hatred between the two, especially during the pre-fight buildup.  Good music.  It eventually ends with a shock.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A+

PASSION: A+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: B

CHOREOGRAPHY: A

MUSIC: A+

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: B+

 

 

2. LUKE vs. VADER, ROUND 2

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Winner: Luke

The majority of the fight is a stalemate, with neither party wanting to hurt the other too much.  It’s not until Vader pushes Luke too far emotionally that the latter comes at him with everything he’s got.  Vader even manages a shocked expression when he realizes how screwed he is.  No other fight in the series matches the finale for raw fury, and the score helps, too.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A+

PASSION: A+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A

CHOREOGRAPHY: B-

MUSIC: A+

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

 

 

 

 

1. LUKE vs. VADER, ROUND 1

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Winner: Vader

Is there any lightsaber fight that can truly compete with this one?  Great scenery combines a high-tech setting with fantasy atmosphere, perfectly edited.  Unlike most of these, in which choreography is stylish, no action is without meaning in this cat-and-mouse game.  It’s suspenseful with a shocking climax.

PLOT SIGNIFICANCE: A+

PASSION: A+

USE OF ENVIRONMENT: A+

CHOREOGRAPHY: A+

MUSIC: B-

SCENERY: A+

EDITING/CINEMATOGRAPHY: A+

WIN/LOSS

Qui-Gon - 0:2

Praetorian Guard - 0:2

Finn - 0:1

Agen - 0:1

Saisee - 0:1

Kit - 0:1

Grievous - 0:1

Dooku - 2:2

Luke - 2:2

Obi-Wan - 3:3

Anakin/Vader - 3:3

Yoda - 1:1

Kylo - 3:2

Maul - 2:1

Rey - 2:1

Sheev: 4:1

Mace: 1:0

AVERAGE RATING BASED ON RANK (LOWER NUMBER = BETTER)

Original Trilogy - 3.5

Prequel Trilogy - 10.9

Sequel Trilogy - 13.8

TCW - 18

Prequel +TCW - 12.2

Favorite Star Wars Ships

In order to keep this as short as possible, I'm limiting this to starships that appear in the canon movies (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith, The Clone Wars, Solo, Rogue One, A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi, The Rise of Skywalker).  I'm noting each ship's first appearance in these movies. If I don't include a description, it's probably there just because I like the design/think it's practical.  

73. MG-100 StarFortress SF-17

The Last Jedi

More like a StarBetty than its supposed inspiration, this fragile ship fails miserably as a bomber.  Then again it makes sense for the New Republic to make a failed design then pawn it off on some desperate ragamuffins.  I still like its design.

72. B-Wing

Return of the Jedi

Never was the biggest fan of this ship.  It crossed into GI Joe vehicle territory, in that it was designed more as a crazy toy concept than a practical in-universe ship.  Rebels theorizes the complicated, awkward design was a remnant of its prototype’s having a miniaturized superlaser, but the only practical aspect that remained is the slim target profile.

71. AA-9 Freighter-Liner

Attack of the Clones

70. Sentinel-Class Landing Ship

A New Hope: Special Edition

Faster and more durable than the Lambda class, it still lacks the latter’s grace.  Looks like it has a big goiter. 

 

69. Sphyrna-class Hammerhead Corvette

Rogue One

A useful ship that got its chance to shine during the Battle of Scarif.

 

68. CSS-1 Shuttle

The Phantom Menace

A good example of CEC’s practical, modular design philospohy

67. Providence-class Dreadnought

Revenge of the Sith

I'm not the biggest fan of the Separatist cruisers (except for the Malevolence), but this does get a spot just for the cool Zeppelin-like sound it makes.  Also, "Invisible Hand" is a cheesy name for something in a fantasy universe.

66. LAAT/i

Attack of the Clones

I think the design is a little too much like an unflattering copy of the Mi-24, but I can’t argue with its versatility and practicality.

 

65. Mandator-IV-class Dreadnought

The Last Jedi

This simple design looks a bit like an ersatz Star Destroyer from Starfox 64, but it serves a useful purpose.

64. Sheathipede-class Shuttle

The Phantom Menace

63. MC85 Raddus

The Last Jedi

One of the more streamlined Mon Cal designs

62. Libertine

The Last Jedi

An interesting design, but not as pretty as the Nubians.

61. Pelta-class Frigate

The Clone Wars

60. Braha’tok-class Gunship

Return of the Jedi

A subtle fan favorite that's getting some belated attention.

59. EF76 Nebulon-B Frigate

The Empire Strikes Back

A cool design, but the connecting shaft makes it way too fragile.

  

58. Delta-class T-3c Shuttle

Rogue One

Krennic's personal shuttle with a personal flair.

 

57. TIE/sa Bomber

Empire Strikes Back

It makes sense for the Empire to stick to the TIE design for things.  Oddly enough, the First Order actually did display some creativity with its own bomber than it did with its fighters.

56. Twilight

The Clone Wars

Not a great design, but it does have sentimental character value for Anakin while adding a bit of truth to Uncle Owen's claim that the former navigated a spice freighter.

55. TUG-b13

The Force Awakens

I kinda like this mostly-engines design.

54. Trident-class Assault Ship

The Clone Wars

A rare submersible ship with an appropriate design

53. Nau'ur-class Yacht First Light

Solo

A distinctive luxury yacht whose interior did a better job that TLJ did at depicting high society in a galaxy far, far away.

52. TIE/sf

The Force Awakens

Although I hate the sequels' creatively bankrupt reversion to the original TIE/ln design, this is a clever development of it.  A TIE fighter with a turret added.  Also note how the engineering sections are moved to the end of the wings to accommodate the gunner.  Of course, now TIEs have life support because apparently putting suits on actual characters is too much trouble for Disney.

51. The Death Stars

A New Hope, Return of the Jedi

Hard to like these monstrosities, but they are central to a couple of the movies.  The skull-like look of the second one is also interesting.

50. VCX-100 Ghost

Rogue One

I like the symmetrical diamond shape and the engine pattern.  CEC's interesting departure from the YT-series.

49. Action IV Bulk Freighter

Attack of the Clones

An EU Easter egg in the prequels.  I also like its design.

 

48. Nu-class Shuttle

The Clone Wars

A rougher predecessor to the Lambda.

47. Acclamator-class Assault Ship

Attack of the Clones

The trend-setter for the Star Destroyer type

46. Taylander Shuttle

Attack of the Clones

A graceful design from the prequel era.

45. Porax P-38 Star fighter

Revenge of the Sith

44. Nantex-class Starfighter

Attack of the Clones

An aggressive and alien design.  The scent-based interface is an interesting touch.

43. C-9979 droid carrier

The Phantom Menace

A purpose-built trop carrier.  I like how it efficiently stacks APC because it doesn't need support areas for living troops.

42. Punworcca-116 Interstellar Sloop

Attack of the Clones

Nice, distinctive design.  I particularly like the spherical canopy.

 

41. GR-75 Transport

Empire Strikes Back

A surprisingly sleek design that increases efficiency by loading modules directly, although the force field system for it seems a bit risky.

40. Dowager Queen

A New Hope: Special Edition

Supposedly a wrecked colony ship from which Mos Eisley spawned, now converted into a hotel.  A nice bit of lore.

39. GX1 Short Hauler

The Rise of Skywalker

I always liked this rejected Imperial shuttle design, and now its canon.

38. Millennium Falcon

A New Hope

A beloved, sturdy ship with a lot of character.  Even the offset cockpit has a practical explanation.

37. Slave I

Empire Strikes Back

One of the more creative and interesting unorthodox designs.

36. TIE Advanced x1

A New Hope

A TIE with a hyperdrive: a perfect ship for Darth Vader

35. Vulture-class Droid Starfighter

The Phantom Menace

A rare use of a droid fighter.

34. RZ-1 A-Wing

Return of the Jedi

A fast, small ship with a lot of features.  Good for quick attacks, but a bit fragile.

33. ZH-40 Tribune Light Freighter

The Rise of Skywalker

Not much to say except I like this design.

32. H-Type Nubian Yacht

Attack of the Clones

A sleeker faster Nubian that Padme related to more.

31. Upsilon-class Shuttle

The Force Awakens

A great design, but tries a bit hard to look evil in comparison to the Lambda.

30. Oubliette-class Transport

The Rise of Skywalker

I love this dark, sinister design. 

29. TIE/rp Reaper

Rogue One

I like the aggressive shape, and a quick troop lander is useful

28. Scimitar

The Phantom Menace

An interesting precursor to the TIE design.

27. CR90 Corvette

A New Hope

The first Star Wars ship.  A definitive Corellian design, and that mess of engines gives it some speed.

26. Lucrehulk-class 

The Phantom Menace

25. Theta-class T-2c Shuttle

Revenge of the Sith

24. UT-60D U-Wing

Rogue One

A well-thought out purposefully-designed light troop carrier that suits the movie's plot well.

23. Eta-2 Actis-class Interceptor

Revenge of the Sith

I love how it shows the evolution of the TIE fighter from the Delta-7.

 

22. ARC-170 Starfighter

Revenge of the Sith

I love the design.  You can definitely see the Incom pedigree that led to the X-Wing, and there's a bit of a Japanese WW2 look in it as well.

21. Belbullab-22 Starfighter (Soulless One)

Revenge of the Sith

20. Delta-7 Aethersprite-class Starfighter

Attack of the Clones

A graceful design with the speed and simplicity that fits the Jedi.  The hyperdrive rigs are a bit impractical, though.

19. BTL-A4 Y-Wing

A New Hope

A perfectly designed light bomber, sturdy and capable, but unfortunately most of them were so old they needed a lot of maintenance.  Tons of character.

18. Nubian J-Type

The Phantom Menance

I love the Art Deco look of the Naboo ships.  Even Vader ended up getting one for sentimental reasons, though you'd think he would have gone with an H-Type.

17. Venator-class Star Destroyer

Revenge of the Sith

I like how those niches on the side are far bigger than on the Imperial-class.  It's a sleek, evolutionary design.  Not sure I like the long dorsal hangar doors, though.

16. Imperial-Class Star Destroyer

A New Hope

The most iconic symbol of the Empire's power.  The command tower does look a tad ungainly, though.

15. MC80 Liberty-type Cruiser

Return of the Jedi

The Mon Cal ships were a trendsetter for alien ship design, and the Liberty class is the best looking of the bunch.

14. YV-865 Aurore-class Freighter

The Rise of Skywalker

I love the brutal look of this one, but its rugged appearance is offset by the engines' turning upward when it lands.

13. Consular-class Cruiser

The Phantom Menace

I've always loved the design of this ship.

 

12. Resurgent-class Star Destroyer

The Force Awakens

One of the few FO designs I think is an improvement.  The sleeker shape makes sense, considering some lessons were learned.  They realized a prominent bridge was a bad idea after what happened to the Executor.  A good evolution.

11. TIE/vn Silencer

The Last Jedi

An awesome new design in the TIE line.  Too bad JJ had to replace it with a donked-out TIE Interceptor because screw the entire idea of having new ship designs.

10. Gozanti-class Cruiser

The Phantom Menace

A practical, reliable ship ideal for maintaining order across the galaxy.  Can even carry a few TIEs.  

9. Lambda-class T-4a Shuttle

Return of the Jedi

Beautiful and graceful, but at the same time oddly soulless with its clinical look.  In contrast with the Upsilon, which looks like it's trying to look evil, the Lambda actually just looks evil.

8. Droid Tri-fighter

Revenge of the Sith

A great design.  A relatively intelligent droid dogfighter.  The face is a bit cute for an antagonist, and I hated those sabotage droids they launched, which made the scene tedious.

7. TIE/ln Starfighter

A New Hope

Possibly the most creative design in the franchise, and partially because of its logical premises.  The hight technology of the Empire anables them to make a fast ship with minimal engine size.  Their fragility and short range reflect the Empire's mentality: the pilots are dependent and expendable.  Also a bit of a penny-wise/pound-foolish mentality there.  It's gothic canopy, demonic wings, and frightening wail are truly memorable.  The vertical wings also give it a regal look.  It's too bad the First Order had to just rip it off instead of making a new version.

6. TIE/in Interceptor

Return of the Jedi

Basically the TIE except faster and looks more aggressive.

5. J-Type Star Skiff

Revenge of the Sith

Though still beautiful, its appearance was a reflection of turbulent times.

4. Executor-class Star Dreadnought

Empire Strikes Back

I love the dagger shape.  A truly evil design, and far more creative than the generic flying wing look of the Supremacy.

3. J-Type Diplomatic Barge

Attack of the Clones

I love this design.  I forgot to mention I also like the piston engine sound effects in the prequels.

2. Naboo N-1 Starfighter

The Phantom Menace

Possibly the most beautiful fighter in the series.

1. T-65B X-Wing Starfighter

A New Hope

A perfect balance of ruggedness, speed, and firepower.  It's got a cute face and a thicc shape too, unlike the skinny-ass T-70's with their rickety half-wings.

Bond's Best

GoldenEye

1995

D: Martin Campbell

**********

Pros: Characterization, Action, Gimmicks, Music, Cast

Cons: No Bond Car Chase, Some Silly Moments

 

 

            I know that my hot Xennial takes on the Bond franchise may be surprising, but I’m going to say this right now: GoldenEye is the best Bond movie, and the game is better.  It does the best job of providing solid characterization while maintaining the gonzo elements that are the franchise’s strongest trait.  The problem is that Bond was never the most compelling or well-developed character, and the best strategy is to deconstruct the character to some extent.  License to Kill was an early attempt at this, but it was a pretty bland movie.  In fact, I believe that most of the character’s popularity came from Sean Connery’s charisma (requiescat in pace), and this late, great actor seemed to agree with me.  It also doesn’t help that most of the earlier Bond movies had dated actions scenes and terrible pacing. 

           As for characterization, Bond is relatively well-developed.  He’s still a suave action hero, but the movie acknowledges his dark side.  This movie displays the potential consequences of his profession and the toll it takes.  Bond hardens himself against any feelings of remorse when a former comrade goes rogue and must be defeated.  Pierce Brosnan is perfect in the role.  He’s believable as an action hero, at least in his earlier Bond films.  His Bond has a charm that belies  the focus of a cold-blooded killer.  I feel obligated to count Connery as the best Bond, but I like Brosnan better.  Then again, many Boomers will just shamelessly go out and say Moore was the best Bond while I’m here being squeamish about it.

         GoldenEye also features one the franchise’s best villains: Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean).  A true nemesis to Bond, he betrays England and becomes a terrorist bent to hold the world hostage with the eponymous Russian killsat.  His past as a 00 also gives him a skill set that matches 007's.  Assuming Bond would compromise a mission to help him in a bind, Trevelyan becomes bitter and vengeful toward our hero.  His dedication to the self contrasts with Bond’s loyalty to the greater good, further reinforcing him as a foil.  Still, Bond admits personal motivations in killing him in cold blood, reflecting that on some level there’s commonality between them.  It’s Trevelyan’s lack of principle that enrages Bond, while it’s Bond’s lack of sociability that engrages Trevelyan.  I can’t help but see that in a certain fandom.  In keeping with the franchise’s tradition of basing villains on celebrities, he is named after a British censor who was a constant thorn in EON’s side.  This movie, along with Patriot Games, ensured I was already of fan of Sean Bean before Lord of the Rings.  As a macrocosm of this shifting alliances, the movie takes place in the aftermath of the Cold War, focusing on Russia’s adjustment to the Fall of Communism.  The cold open takes place during the Cold War, when Trevelyan and Bond were still friends. 

         On the subject of Bond girls, Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco) is the best of the bunch.  While most of these are at best love interests and at worst objects, Natalya is practically a deuteragonist, having her own independent conflict and arc.  The only other Bond girl that comes close is Melina from For Your Eyes Only, which happens to one of the less watchable entries in the series.  At one point she even calls out Bond for his personal flaws and coldness.  Unfortunately, despite this they have an obligatory sex-tease at the end.  As much as I love the video game, I hate how it did our heroine dirty, reducing her to an idiot for no apparent reason.  In the movie, Natalya’s her connection to the plot was working on the Russian killsat project before Trevelyan’s terrorist organization slaughtered her friends and colleagues to steal it.  So what does she do when she finally meets Boris Grishenko (Alan Cumming), a co-worker who betrayed her, her country, and her friends to help a mass-murderous organization?  She runs up to him and starts absolutely whaling on him while he cowers helplessly.  Even Trevelyan just lets her do it for a while.  On the other hand, video game Natalya refuses to help you save the world if you just scare Boris.           

          Another credit to the movie is Moneypenny (Samantha Bond).  Her dynamic with Bond is underrated.  They have good chemistry as friends while suggesting the idea that they might be potential soulmates.  It’s also meaningful that Bond genuinely treats her as a true equal because they don’t automatically have sex.  It was one of those ways a promiscuous male character can somehow be acceptable in the conservative culture that produced him.  Unfortunately, Die Another Day made it stupid.

         GoldenEye features a solid cast of memorable characters.  Famke Janssen plays Xenia Onatopp, an evil henchwoman whose signature move is suffocating men with her legs when she has sex with them; she clearly gets sexually aroused when shooting people.  Gottfried John plays a traitorous Russian officer.  Joe Don Baker is a jolly CIA agent who aids Bond.  Robbie Coltrane plays a former KGB foe whose help Bond must seek.  Desmond Llewelyn reprises his role as Q, and Judi Dench appears as more modernized interpretation of M.  Minnie Driver also has a small role.

         The action in the movie is a huge step up from previous works in the series.  Great stunts (including Wayne Michaels’ dam bungee jump) and choreography, all in peak 90’s practical effects.  The gunfights are visceral with extra’s screaming in pain when they get shot.  I’m also happy that they used minuatures for MiG-29’s instead of trying to pass off F-5’s as Russian planes (although it does use an obscure Swiss-American plane in the first scene).  

         While taking its characters more seriously, the movie refreshingly uses gadgets.  I like the Craig movies, but think its shying away from this was throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  I mean, this is what’s cool about the Bond franchise.  The classic DB5 gets an appearance as Bond’s default car before he’s introduced to his new Z3.  Unfortunately the car’s a bit of a letdown, and this is my biggest complaint about the moviie.  In a particularly egregious example of product placement, BMW lent a pre-production sales prototype they were reluctant to mess up.  Therefore, despite have a respectable weapons set, the Z3 wasn’t used in an action scene, and, no, a tank is not cooler than a Bond car.  Not using mockups must be a trademark for Campbell, who also apparently had no choice but to total twelve Aston Martins for a crash in Casino Royale.  Then again I wouldn’t be surprised that mocking up a car would cost more than a T-54.  I also believe that Bond cars should come in neutral colors, so it doesn’t help that this one is blue.

          The comic relief is pretty good, with witty dialogue instead of bad double entendres.  However it does have some silly moments.  The Q scene has some ill-advised slapstick in the background.  A scene in which Xenio takes steals someone’s ID while flashing it to the 4^th Wall is a bit camp.  Also, Bond is confounded by men in ghillie suits two feet away from him at one moment.

         The Intro theme is also my favorite in the franchise by Tina Turner.  Its visual aspect was also a watershed moment: all the Bond intros up to this one look the same with their black backrounds, but this one started a trend of each one’s having its own distinctive look.  Eric Serra’s score is very memorable, providing the movie with a unique atmosphere.  Unfortunately it does sound goofy at times.  

         I admit this movie has special nostalgic significance to me.  I came of age in the gap between this and License to Kill, which was the longest since they started making Bond films.  In fact, I knew of James Bond, Jr. before I even heard of James Bond.  This may be the first Bond movie I’ve watched, but it still holds up.  I’ve noticed that Martin Campbell seems to have a specific talent for this franchise, having made this and Casino Royale.  In fact the irony I prefer Disney’s 1950’s Zorro over his movie adaptations. 

Primal Pixar

The Good Dinosaur

2015

D: Peter Sohn

**********

Pros: Design, Animation, Suspenseful tone

Cons: Questionable Villain Death

 

 

         The Good Dinosaur is cited as one of Pixar’s weakest films.  However, it does have its strengths in design, and the suspenseful premise.  It departs from the company's usual approach of creative high concept premises, but I sometimes find the simple Don Bluth way of “earn your happy ending” to be refreshing.  For this reason, among others, I'm compelled to defend this film.

        The story takes place in an alternate reality in which the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs was diverted, allowing them to evolve human-level sapience.  A family of Brontosauruses (yes, we can use the term, even though it’s probably moot at this time in-universe), has a farm.  The mother (Frances McDormand) and father (Steven Wright) have three children: the tough Buck (Marcus Scribbner) and Libby (Maleah Padilla) and the gawky, shy Arlo (Raymond Ochoa).  Arlo’s design is lovably cute and goofy, while emphasizing his vulnerability and isolation from his family.  I absolutely love it, and it makes me wonder what people see in the Minions.  Characters convey emotions well, except for the moments when Arlo is lethally furious at Spot after his father's death, which come off too comical. The backgrounds are beautifully rendered; many people think it clashes with the cartoony characters, but it works.  Despite the photorealism of the scenery, the movie transitions well to stylized monochrome during some darker scenes.  I also like the design of the Velociraptors.  Most shy away from the feathered designs, but the movie takes the crazy meth-head look and uses it to its advantage.  I'm not sure the comparison was accidental, considering how easily one loses a tooth in battle and how another one is scratching herself compulsively.  The score by Mychael and Jeff Danna is effectively emotional and occasionally ominous.  It fits the movie quite well. 

       Near the beginning of the plot, the father dies, and the Arlo's crippling guilt is compounded by the family’s inability to manage the farm sufficiently without him.  Thankfully his family doesn't abuse him over this, but that would have been believable.  Granted it was the father's fault, even though he realized it at the last second.  In a misguided attempt to help Arlo overcome his fears, he tasks him with killing the "critter" who's raiding their food.  That may be an important duty on a farm, but it's unfair to be so abrupt.  When Arlo spares the animal, a human child named Spot (Jack Bright), Poppa angrily leads head to the river in a storm, causing his own death.  Eventually Arlo is lost once again under similar circumstances, and befriend Spot in the process.  The movie does a great job making you feel sympathetic for Arlo for all his struggles and injuries, but this kid sustains so much blunt head trauma he should have been dead numerous times over.  Still, the pathos is well-executed, and the direction brings it out well.  Our hero overcomes crippling fear and risks his life to protect Spot from the villains.  Besides, I'm a real sucker for reunion scenes.

        On the first viewing, the villains, a gang of pterodactyls led by Thunderclap (Steve Zahn), seem far too sympathetic.  Essentially a group of half-starved homeless people, they're desperation is understandable.  However, their actions are truly antagonistic.  They introduce themselves as friends to Arlo, but doggedly try to take Spot from him for food.  They fight each other for food.  Their attempt to steal a "pet" that’s already spoken for is ambiguous.  What makes Arlo's actions right is that Spot, despite his ambiguous anthropomorphism (yes, I know he's the human, you have to acknowledge a movie's internal logic, though) displays evidence of personhood.  He goes out of his way to help Arlo even when the latter attempts to kill him to avenge his father, which may even be motivated by guilt.  He also understands abstract concepts enough Arlo to communicate with him despite the language barrier.  The movie's biggest problem is the disturbingly cold-blooded way by which Thunderclap is killed.  When he is wounded and fleeing in panic, Arlo throws a branch at him with absurd accuracy, causing him to fall into the rapids and drown.  And people complain about Superman’s obviously justifiable killing of Zod in Man of Steel.  The cult-like beliefs of this gang also, whether intentionally or not, effectively indict forms of faith that emphasize amoral justification. 

         Despite this, I found The Good Dinosaur enjoyable, and it gets a bad rap.  It does a great job with suspense and sentiment, and that's what many movies are for.  The cast also includes John Ratzenberger, director Peter Sohn. and Dave Boat.  Sam Elliot, Anna Paquin, and A.J. Buckley star as a group of friendly T-Rexes who herd “longhorn” dinosaurs and provide a proportion of the movie's humor.  I was also impressed by the the lack of pervasive comic relief, let alone bad stuff.  That's impressive in the MCU era.  

 

 

QUOTES

         

BUTCH: I got a job for you.

ARLO: I’m not really good at jobs…

BUTCH: I need you to keep on the dodge and sidle up the loblolly, past them horn-heads, just hootin’ and hollerin’ and score off them rustlers.  We’ll cut dirt and get the bulge on’em.

ARLO: What?

RAMSEY: He just wants you to get on that rock and scream.

ARLO: Uh, but who’s out there?

BUTCH: They’ll come right at ya.  You hold your ground.  Don’t move.

ARLO: Don’t move?  But what if they have claws and big teeth?

BUTCH: Don’t overthink it.

Flying Too Close to the Sun

RoboCop 2

1990

D: Irvin Kershner

**********

Pros: Visuals, Design, Violence, Writing has its moments

Cons: Heavy-handed comedic tone, No original theme song

 

 

         RoboCop is a classic satire.  Paul Verhoeven was able to strike a very difficult balance that shined light upon the flaws of capitalism while still maintaining realistic, sympathetic characterizations.  As a result, it’s easy for it to be mistaken for an earnest work while not veering too far into being a truly confused attempt at parody.  Its depiction of the corporate power is even more apparent after one has evolved to recognize it as a problem.  After being raised to defend unfettered capitalism, it’s particularly embarrassing when you’ve had to have it weaponized against you to learn your lesson.  Some things must be run with representation, not through the faux “choice” of a commercial monopoly.

         Unfortunately, RoboCop 2 lacks the aforementioned balance.  Verhoeven’s style is hard to recreate, even for the director of my favorite movie.  The humor in the movie is far too heavy-handed and it often turns into a sort of live-action cartoon.  The sound effects and music in this scene, for example, are decidedly over-the-top (although the part where the engineer cringingly nurses his bandaged arm in reaction to seeing it get shot on video is funny).  At one point there’s even slide-whistle as two characters take a fall.  All this might have been perfectly fine camp had it not been done under the expectations set by the first film.  Even when I was a kid I thought the little league team gang was too much.

           The buffoonery is not simply limited to style.  The commentary is also overdone, being more akin to a partisan political cartoon.  In an early scene a news channel reports on the environmentalists’ issue with a nuclear accident with the anchors saying something like, “Of course, they would say that,” critiquing the clear bias our media apparently has in favor of nuclear power.  I’ve noticed that one of the perks of running the media is the unlimited license to use the media to pretend you don’t run the media.  Not to say the liberal satire’s the only problem; when RoboCop (Peter Weller) is repaired after being mutilated by a gang, OCP psychologist Juliette Faxx (Belinda Bauer) suggests that his programming directives be expanded to include a plethora of bad 80/90’s jokes about political correctness.  The resultant restraints leave him unable to do his job until he short-circuits himself on purpose to delete them.  The in-universe commercials are also cringe-inducingly unsubtle.

         This results in the most apparent character derailment of the movie: the Old Man (Dan O’Herlihy).  In the first movie, he’s depicted as an affable person, not necessarily good, but not necessarily malicious.  He seemed to mean well without realizing how corrupt and damaging his empire really was.  Turning him into a mustache-twirling caricature of a villain not only undermined the movie’s characterization but also its themes.  It was far more of an effective indictment of runaway capitalism in the first movie to have him be seemingly innocent.  At the end of the debacle, he even utters the cartoonish phrase “we need to get our best people to spin this.”  He’s even shown to be a dirty old man on top of that.  As if the caricature isn’t enough, OCP’s headquarters are flanked with Nazi-style banners.

Above: subtlety

         Not to say the movie is entirely without decent commentary.  The reliable presence of Johnson (Felton Perry) in the movie series is a statement on the ability of mediocre but ambitious people to maintain power in corporate in political systems.  In this movie his attempts to recreate the success of RoboCop end in failure, and he regains his position by convincing the old man to throw Dr. Faxx under the bus after the RoboCop 2 debacle.  There’s also a nice moment where someone absurdly asserts that people could buy stock in OCP’s all-powerful corporate monopoly, and “what could be more democratic than that?”

         Another plus is the depiction of Murphy/RoboCop, at least in the first act.  He’s seen watching his wife (Angie Bolling) from afar, and when she notices she files a lawsuit for harassment.  Realizing that he must eventually let her go and allow her to have a normal life, he tells her a noble lie: Murphy is dead, and there is nothing left of him, sacrificing his family.  RoboCop also feels some paternal reluctance to kill Hob (Gabriel Damon), a child who’s also a violent gang member.  When the latter is eventually killed, he holds the boy’s hand until he’s gone.  I remember watching a TV version in which Hob succumbs to Chuck Cunningham Syndrome, despite the presence of ultraviolence in the edit).  It was distracting, but it makes sense that the kids would remove himself from the entire situation after seeing RoboCop 2 in action.  I also like the theory that Murphy’s staunch Catholicism helped him psychologically survive a forced transition into a cyborg.  There is something to the doctrine of self-denial that would help with that.  However, this theory was also floated by the character who thought that putting the brain of a violent, drug-addicted crime lord into a weaponized robot body was a good idea.  Frank Miller did write the story, so this would be consistent with his inconsistent depiction of Roman Catholicism.   

        The movie is also remarkably ultraviolent, even outdoing the first entry.  This is one instance where it does justice.  An appropriately twisted moment is when Cain’s (Tom Noonan) brain is excised from the body, it’s kept in a water tank with intact eyes, being forced to watch as techs mess around with what’s left of the face.  The most triumphant moment of comically over-the-top violence is when RoboCop kills RoboCain by taking its brain (which is apparently connected via wi-fi) out of the shell, and destroys it as the other cyborg watches in horror, throwing the jar against the ground, scattering the brains everywhere while RoboCain is STILL SOMEHOW CONSCIOUS until RoboCop melodramatically BASHES THE REMAINING BRAINS WITH HIS FIST. 

         The movie’s visuals are enhanced by Phil Tippett’s go-motion sequences.  I particularly love the monstrous design of RoboCain.  The retractable LCD screen on the robot body was also a novel use of CGI.  Leonard Rosenman’s score is pleasantly florid, but the movie tragically lacks the iconic Basil Poledouris theme.  There’s an enjoyable rock song in the soundtrack by Babylon AD.  Nancy Allen returns as Officer Lewis.

         RoboCop 2 is actually a fun movie that I cite as a guilt pleasure, but it has some simplistic satire that does not do justice to the original.  Even the remake is at least a decent self-contained work.  I intended to review it in time for its 30^th anniversary, but I forgot.  

 

 

QUOTES 

 

 

ELLEN MURPHY: Alex? Don’t you know me?  Don’t you remember me? Alex, it doesn’t matter what they’ve done to you, I…

ROBOCOP: Touch me.

ELLEN MURPHY: [touches his lips] It’s cold.

ROBOCOP: They made this to honor him.

ELLEN MURPHY: No, I…

ROBOCOP: Your husband is dead.  I don’t know you.

[RoboCop watches sadly as she leaves crying]

 

JOHNSON: Uh, sir, what if this was all the work of one individual person?  A woman who had her own agenda that wasn’t in sync with the goals of our company?

THE OLD MAN: Well…that usually works. 

JOHNSON: A woman who was not a team player, who violated our trust? (Dr. Faxx)

THE OLD MAN: Well, we’ll need some evidence to support that.

HOLZGANG: Sir, whether it exists or not, I know I can find it.  

JOHNSON: She did choose the brain, sir.