DUNE MOVIE COMPARISON

This post was delayed due to work schedules, but I’ve finally gotten around to making this listicle comparing the three Dune movies:

THE 1984 DAVID LYNCH MOVIE

THE 2000 SCI-FI CHANNEL MINISERIES

THE 2021 and 2024 DENIS VILLENEUVE MOVIES

 

 

 

BEST WRITING

David Lynch (1984)

John Harrison (2000)

Jon Spaihts, Denis Villeneuve, Eric Roth (2021, 2024) 

Lynch’s Dune is interesting enough but cuts out a lot of story.  Its completely unnecessary expository voiceovers have a debatable appeal in adding some strange atmosphere.  The 2000 version does much better, while including various interesting subplots.  Particularly of interest are those involving the Harkonnen’s plans involving Feyd-Rautha and Irulan.  The 2021 version manages to take the longest to get through half the plot while including even less than the 1984 version.  It lacks what made the story interesting and is the most boring out of the bunch. 

 

WINNER: 2000 

Runner-Up: 1984 

 

 

 

THE BEST PAUL

Kyle MacLachlan (1984)

Alec Newman (2000)

Timothee Chalamet (2021, 2024)

Kyle MacLachlan is charismatic and he forms my general mental image of the character, but Newman’s performance is more nuanced and he has a sardonic edge that is fitting of an entitled prince turned would-be Messiah.  Chalamet is competent enough in the first movie, but really breaks out in Part 2, being credible both as a naive young idealist and then as a charismatic dictator.

 

WINNER: TIMOTHEE CHALAMET

Runner-Up: Kyle Machlachlan

 

THE BEST LETO

Jurgen Prochnow (1984)

William Hurt (2000)

Oscar Isaac (2021)

Prochnow is serviceable, but Hurt is both wooden and bafflingly miscast.  Isaac is perfect and adds a lot of humanity to the role

 

WINNER: OSCAR ISAAC 

Runner-Up: Jurgen Prochnow 

 

 

THE BEST JESSICA

Francesca Annis (1984)

Saskia Reeves (2000)

Rebecca Ferguson (2021, 2024)

Annis is good, but edged out by Reeves.  Ferguson is great in Part 2, which develops her manipulative role as a false prophetess. 

 

WINNER: REBECCA FERGUSON 

Runner-Up: Saskia Reeves 

 

 

THE BEST GURNEY

Patrick Stewart (1984)

PH Moriarty (2000)

Josh Brolin (2021, 2024)

Gurney Halleck is naturally cast by far more handsome men than his homely description suggests.  Stewart is miscast (aside from being born to say this line), but we got this amusing story of his meeting Sting and not having the slightest clue who he was.  Moriarty is far more fitting as the grizzled old warrior.  Brolin, despite the most handsome of the bunch (the buzz cut helps alleviate that), works the best for his gruff, rugged presence.

 

WINNER: JOSH BROLIN 

Runner-Up: PH Moriarty

 

 

 

THE BEST THUFIR

Freddie Jones (1984)

Jan Vlasak (2000)

Stephen McKinley (2021)

Freddie Jones is memorably quirky.  Vlasak is barely in the movie and is mostly forgettable.  MicKinley is a surprise breakout in the new movie, having a very nuanced performance.

 

WINNER: STEPHEN MICKINLEY

Runner-Up: Freddie Jones

 

 

 

BEST YUEH 

Dean Stockwell (1984)

Robert Russell (2000)

Chang Chen (2021)

Russell is decent, but Stockwell nails the vulnerable, poignant, and conflicted characterization.  Yueh is barely in the 2021 movie.

 

WINNER: DEAN STOCKWELL

Runner-Up: Robert Russell

 

 

 

THE BEST DUNCAN

Richard Jordan (1984)

James Watson (2000)

Jason Momoa (2021)

Richard Jordan is remarkably miscast, seeming a bit out of shape for the greatest warrior in the story. Watson is more believable in the role, but Momoa is a perfect choice.  He’s tough while being jovial enough to be believable as Paul’s friend.  Most importantly, he’s charismatic enough to carry a franchise, since Duncan is the main character of the series.

 

WINNER: JASON MOMOA

Runner-Up: James Watson

 

THE BEST BARON

Kenneth McMillan (1984)

Ian McNeice (2000)

Stellan Skarsgard (2021, 2024)

Kenneth McMillan is amusingly hammy, and he works as an utterly insane, depraved interpretation of the Baron, but he’s not terribly clever.  McNeice is the perfect Baron, being believable as chessmaster who’s charming enough for politics.  Skarsgard is disappointing as his character has practically no development.  I mean, how do you make Baron Harkonnen boring?  At least he has one amusing moment in which he’s stuffing his fat face after raiding Leto’s fridge.  It’s unfortunate that we never got to see Orson Welles in the Jodorowsky version.  

 

WINNER: IAN McNEICE

Runner-Up: Kenneth McMillan

 

 

 

THE BEST PITER

Brad Dourif (1984)

Jan Unger (2000)

David Dastmalchian (2021)

Brad Dourif is wonderfully creepy while coming off as the only sane member of the Harkonnen leadership. You really get the impression he’s the real brains behind the operation in this version.  Jan Unger, on the other hand, is bland, even though he does momentarily pull it out when the character sadistically stabs Yueh.  Dastmalchian is well-cast, but barely in the movie.

 

WINNER: BRAD DOURIF

Runner-Up: David Dastmalchian

 

 

 

THE BEST RABBAN

Paul Smith (1984)

Laszlo Kish (2000)

Dave Bautista (2021, 2024)

Kish is competent as this character, and Bautista adds an element of fanatical passion to his hatred and anger, almost as if he thinks he’s the good guy in some twisted way.  Smith, on the other hand, is perfect as the slovenly, savage character with no such pretension.  It’s really an apples and oranges between Bautista and Smith.  Bautista’s Rabban seems to be angry at the Atreides’ gift on principle.

 

WINNER: PAUL SMITH

Runner-Up: Dave Bautista

 

 

 

THE LOVELIEST FEYD

Gordon Sumner (1984)

Matt Keeslar (2000)

Austin Butler (2024)

Sting has that celebrity charisma that works most of the time when all that’s demanded of him is a smug, sadistic smirk.  There is one moment, however, in which he’s expected to show some other emotion and he fails miserably.  He’s like a Ewan McGregor who can’t act.  Keeslar has far more story to deal with and he acts decently, even if he’s not quite as fun to watch.  The Jodorowsky version apparently considered Mick Jagger.  Austin Butler is amusing as a raving psychopath, but his talent is wasted on an oversimplified version of the character.

 

WINNER: MATT KEESLAR

Runner-Up: Gordon Sumner 

 

 

THE BEST DOCTOR KYNES

Max Von Sydow (1984)

Karel Dobry (2000)

Sharon Duncan-Brewster (2021)

Karel Dobry is decent, but Max Von Sydow is the most believable as the experienced scientist.  Duncan-Brewster is a controversial choice, but she has the most fleshed-out version of the character.

 

WINNER: SHARON DUNCAN-BREWSTER

Runner-Up: Max Von Sydow

 

 

 

THE BEST CHANI

Sean Young (1984)

Barbora Kodetova (2000)

Zendaya (2021)

Sean Young is awkwardly miscast and wooden and wooden, while Kodetova is more competent.  Zendaya is believable as a young, but hardened, tribeswoman, and shows more nuance in part to where she is more developed.

 

WINNER: ZENDAYA

Runner-Up: Barbora Kodetova

 

 

 

THE BEST STILGAR

Everitt McGill (1984)

Uwe Ochsenknecht (2000)

Javier Bardem (2021)

Ochsenknecht is far better cast than Big Ed, but it’s hard to beat Bardem.

 

WINNER: JAVIER BARDEM

Runner-Up: Uwe Ochsenknecht

 

 

 

BEST EMPEROR

Jose Ferrer (1984)

Giancarlo Giannini (2000)

Christopher Walken (2024)

Jose Ferrer’s emperor comes off as uncertain and vulnerable, which is great if you interpret this as intentional; a weak dynastic heir who’s in over his head.  Giannini is great as a more ruthless and calculating interpretation.  Another apples/oranges.  Christopher Walken's emperor is not developed enough to be anything more than Christopher Walken

 

WINNER: GIANCARLO GIANNINI

Runner-Up: Jose Ferrer 

 

 

BEST IRULAN 

Virginia Madsen (1984)

Laura Burton (2000)

Florence Pugh (2024)

Laura Burton has an unfair advantage of actually having a plot, but she’s still better in the role anyway.  Pugh's Irulan also needed more love, though.  

 

WINNER: LAURA BURTON

Runner-Up: Florence Pugh

 

 

BEST PRODUCTION/COSTUME DESIGN

Moebius, Chris Foss, HR Giger (Jodorowsky)

Anthony Masters, Bob Ringwood (1984)

Miljen Kreka Kljakovic, Theodore Pistek (2000)

Patrice Vermette, Bob Morgan, Jacqueline West (2021) 

The 1984 had a distinctively industrial look that still had enough classicism to maintain an otherworldly feel.  The 2000’s version had some creative designs, but a few goofy moments (Irulan’s butterfly dress, for one).  The 2021 movie had a far more minimalist design that seems lazy even though it does have its moments.  Particularly bland are the Harkonnens’ character designs.  One wonders why they couldn’t go with the phenomonally over-the-top look of the rejected Jodorowsky movie.  Apparently, it was all up to Greig Fraser to make the movie look good.

 

WINNER: JODOROWSKY

Runner-Up: 1984

Third Place : 2000

 

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Freddie Francis (1984)

Vittorio Stiraro (2000)

Greig Fraser (2021)

The 1984 version had the distinctive camerawork one would expect from a Lynch movie.  The 2000’s cinematography, with the exception of the unsettling Dutch angles in the Harkonnen scenes, ranged from lackluster to bad.  Fraser seemed like a downgrade from Roger Deakins, but his cinematography is phenomenal.  

 

WINNER: 2021

Runner-Up: 1984

 

BEST MUSIC

Brian Eno/TOTO (1984)

Graeme Revell (2000)

Hans Zimmer (2021)

The 1984’s Theme song is epic and memorable.  I usually like Revell, but the miniseries’ score is underwhelming with the exception of the Harkonnen theme.  Zimmer’s music is atmospheric with the added plus of bagpipes!

 

WINNER 1984

Runner-Up: 2021

 

BEST EFFECTS

The 1984’s are dated but charming.  One of the fatal flaws of the miniseries is that so much of it looks like an early 90’s CD-Rom game.  Proof that bad practical effects are preferable to bad CGI.  The 2021’s effects are perfect.

 

WINNER: 2021

Runner-Up: 1984 

 

 

BEST ACTION

The 1984 version foolishly used a goofy gimmick for the Weirding Way because Lynch thought that fight scenes would look too “cheesy.”  The 2000 version is more faithful.  The best part of the 2021’s action is how the shields of the Atreides ships contained their own explosions until the shields themselves were destroyed.

 

WINNER: 2021

Runner-Up: 2000

 

 

BEST CASTING

This is interesting because both the 1984 and 2000 versions have great casting outside two bafflingly bad roles (Stilgar and Leto, respectively).  The 2021’s casting is mostly solid while having a surprisingly dull Baron.

WINNER: 2021

Runner-Up: 1984

 

 

BEST OVERALL

The 2021 was questionable in its lack of story.  A perfect Dune movie would be one with the 2000’s plot and the 1984’s visuals.  Still, the 1984 movie is competent enough, and one can only love a movie so much if it looks like an early 90’s CD-Rom game.  

 

WINNER: 1984

Runner-Up: 2000

Spock Not Do Stupid **** Challenge: IMPOSSIBLE

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

1991

D: Richard Meyer

**********

Pros: Characters, Direction, Plot, Special Effects, Music

Cons: A Little Too Many Plotholes

 

 

 

        As a kid, my experience with Star Trek was limited to a few movies, and some slight scattering of TOS and TNG.  Star Trek VI was probably my most primal catalyst for being a casual fan.  It had everything: action, cool ships, special effects, music, and Klingons.  For a while it was one of my favorite movies.  I would regard this as the last true Trek movie, although I do enjoy Into Darkness.  

         The plot of Undiscovered Country begins with the destruction of the planet Praxis, the primary industrial center of the Klingons.  In a nice reference to the Spartan Fallacy (the inefficiency of a completely militarized dictatorship, see also: North Korea), the Klingons lack the budget and civilian infrastructure to survive the disaster.  With their entire society on the brink of collapse, they desperately appeal to the Federation for a treaty.  Relatively liberal Klingon Chancellor Gorkon (David Warner) draws up a treaty that oddly includes the complete demilitarization of the Neutral Zone.  One would wonder why someone as reasonable as he would come up with this, but I suppose he might have been pressured by hardliners.  It makes sense for the Klingons to take this as an opportunity to make a desperate go-for-broke attempt at expansionism to annex enough industrial centers to recover, while be willing to risk honorable destruction.  It also makes sense that they would operate under the calculus the Federation would be reluctant to go to war regardless of their advantage.  

         In a remarkably irrational move, Mr. Spock (Leonard Nimoy) suggests that Captain Kirk (William Shatner) lead the initial diplomatic meeting.  This makes sense because I’ve always believed that Vulcans (especially Spock) are a passionate race, who merely style themselves as purely rational.  Spock recites “Only Nixon can go to China,” which he humorously calls a “Vulcan proverb.”  He’s missing the point that our 37^th presidend didn’t literally have a vendetta with the people he was trying to negotiate with.  The unfortunate drama that ensues inspires a majestic overcompensation from Spock in TNG in which he decides not to send a reluctant friend to do his diplomatic dirty work so he resigns from the Federation council, disappears without a trace so he can aid an underground Romulan liberation movement, and pops up on intelligence camera, scaring the Federation into making Picard to bum a ride on a Bird of Prey to find out what the hell he was doing.  Illogical.

        Starfleet agrees this despite how little sense this makes, largely because Admiral Cartwright (Brock Peters) is part of a conspiracy to sabotage the peace accords.  It’s an interesting idea that members of three warring nations would agree to sabotage their own alliance, but it helps that it makes sense.  Conservative Klingons would rather go down fighting than give up their ways, some corrupt Starfleet officials would want to press their advantage, and I’m sure the Romulans have some sort of angle on this ensuing conflict.  

        So the Enterprise and its crew arrives at a rendezvous point with Gorkon’s flagship, the Kronos One, whose introduction is an underrated gem.  Heralded by Cliff Eidelman’s ominous score, the sinister K’tinga-class glides menacingly toward the viewer after a dramatic scene is cut short by the intercom announcement of its arrival.  Kirk enters the bridge to and stares in awe at its demonic form lingering at close range on the viewscreen.  He’s battled these things before and knows enough to fear them.  Fight or flight impulses arise as Chekov (Walter Koenig) nervously asks to raise the shields in obliviousness to the purpose of the mission.  Then Kirk realizes that he’s never met this thing before under these circumstances, and muses, “Never been this close before.”  It’s a moment that knows how to treat the ships themselves as characters in the movie.  Later, when the K1 prepares to fire upon the Enterprise, its torpedo launcher glows red and growls.  Not in line with established lore, but a justified break from logic in order to give the ship more personality.  I would have liked to see her participate in the final battle.  Perhaps she'd try to stop the Enterprise from sabotaging the Accords until the Excelsior shows up, cornering the Bird of Prey into participating, thus making K1 realize who the bad guy really is.  Yeah, I do have a soft spot for the D7.    

        Upon meeting with Gorkon and his entourage for dinner, Kirk is introduced to General Chang (Christopher Plummer), who recognizes him as a fellow warrior.  The dinner is tense but ultimately less than disastrous, and the crew is ready to rest until the peace is broken by a sudden torpedo fire upon the Klingon shop from the Enterprise.  A couple of masked federation soldiers beam on board the stricken ship and slaughter every Klingon on their way to assassinate Gorkon.   Then the K1 demonstrates why her class was so feared: after having taken two unshielded torpedo hits in a seemingly vital area, she quickly recovers and is ready to fight.

         Kirk agrees to beam aboard with McCoy (DeForest Kelley) when they hear Klingons’ doctor has died.  McCoy fails to save the ambassador, and our two heroes are captured and sent to stand trial.  They are sentenced to the ice gulag of Rura Penthe.  They escape with the help of shapeshifter Martia (Iman/Tom Morga) and beamed back onto the Enterprise.  They then rush to stop the assassination of the Federation President (Kurtwood Smith) by a Klingon assassin.  They are intercepted by Chang in a prototypical Bird of Prey designed to fire while cloaked, the one that fired upon K1.  With help from Captain Sulu (George Takei), they figure out a way to defeat it and then double team that bitch in quite a crowd-pleasing payoff.  The assassination plot is foiled, Kirk makes an impassioned plea for peace, the conspirators are revealed, and everyone is happy, especially these guys for some reason. 

         The movie ends with the Enterprise crew's being ordered by Starfleet to report to base for decommissioning.  The officers, wanting to milk some more time on the ship, ignore them.  It’s a nice sendoff for the characters we love, but having been in the Navy, I can tell you that there are plenty of unhappy sailors right now.  Most seaman and JO’s would just want to get back home to their families, especially after having just survived a space battle.  Some of them died.  In fact, if they were to mutiny over this, they’d have the law on their side.  Oh well, just another example of how being underway is seen as a symbol for freedom for people who’ve never worked on a ship.  The credits are a nice touch, as all the cast members’ signatures are shown along with a triumphant secondary theme.  Like “All Good Things” it’s a good farewell to a group of beloved characters.  And like “All Good Things” nothing good came out of adding to it.

           Indeed, Undiscovered Country is regarded as one of the best Trek movies, and a lot of this has to do with the return of Nicolas Meyer, the director of Wrath of Khan.  Having spent the last couple of years catching up on the franchise, I decided to watch this old time favorite.  Enjoyable as it was, I was disappointed by the sheer number of plotholes and silly mistakes.  I’d hate to revert to the nitpicky style of criticism I had grown out, but I’m afraid that urge might again rear its ugly head.  Franchise works do work on their own internal logic and should be bound by it, but there’s a gray area of how much can be forgiven.  Some recent filth has provoked an unfortunate renaissance in such style of movie reviews, as a form of chemotherapy in response to cancer.  Sadly, such critics have shown themselves completely unprepared outside this comfort zone of A-Logging.  Examples such as Critical Drinker’s reviews of Midsommar, Us, etc. are like the equivalent of administering chemo to a healthy patient.  Now here’s a short list of Undiscovered Country’s flaws.

 

- The Captain agrees to Valeris’ suggestion to serve Romulan ale at the meeting, despite this being a terrible idea in such a delicate situation.

 

-Spock rather conspicuously places a very visible homing device on Kirk’s shoulder before he leaves for the K1, allowing him to be tracked and picked up from Rura Penthe.  The Klingons somehow don’t notice this throughout the trial and imprisonment.  They don’t even relieve Kirk of his uniform, but they do confiscate his universal translator.

 

-The losers stationed at the Klingon listening outpost don’t bat an eye at an identified ship communicating in horribly broken Klingon.  Their technology apparently isn’t designed to recognized a Connie when it wanders into Klingon space.

 

-Valeris (Kim Cattrall) apparently needs to explain to the Enterprise’s own command personnel that using a vaporizer will set off an alarm.  Instead of just telling them like a normal person, she shoots at something with the vaporizer to make the alarm go off.

 

-The alarm is not triggered by a phaser’s going off at all.  Just when when it’s set to vaporize.

 

-There are apparently only two pairs of gravity boots on the whole ship.

 

-Martia presumably leads Kirk and McCoy away long enough to give Chang a “Killed While Trying to Escape” loophole, but they’re allowed to go too far before they’re tracked down and they get beamed off the planet.

 

-Even if they lost the blueprints for the Bird of Prey prototype, everybody knows that this is possible, but no one gets around to making one by the TNG era.  

 

-Azetbur is the new chancellor, but it’s later revealed that Klingon women do enjoy such hight rank.

 

         What makes these nitpicks excusable is the story itself.  First of all, it seems that some minor tweaking could fix these holes, which are not truly inherent to the plot and therefore allow the movie to pass the TLJ Test.  Also, unlike many newer movies, the passion is there.  Star Trek VI does not seek to “fix,” subvert, or deconstruct.  It explains how the peace between the Federation and Klingons, as established in TNG, happens, while making it an opportunity for the characters to reflect upon a new world they’re not necessary trained for.  Its heart is with the characters and the world they live in.  It takes advantage of the political implications of this universe.  It’s a gateway into the new world of TNG that uses the TOS characters as its segue (another reason why Generations was a bad idea).  For all its flaws, it reinforces, rather denigrates, the franchise. The characters act according to their established roots.  It focuses on them and interstellar politics, the strengths of the franchise.  Even the dialogue is memorably witty.  It could be called the first successful prequel. 

         A possible explanation for these script problems is the troubled pre-production planning.  There were conflicts between Gene Roddenberry and Nicholas Meyer, of course.  This production was also an example of how the franchise was always at its best when in strayed further from Roddenberry’s utopian vision.  He did not like having the Enterprise crew display any bigotry, even though the arc was an inspiring example of their overcoming it.  Roddenberry did, however, get it right on Saavik.  Meyer wanted to turn her into a traitor, but Gene called him out on sullying a beloved character in a way that made no sense, so they changed it to Valeris.  Various cast members submitted scripts of varying degrees of questionable quality.

 

WTF, WALTER KOENIG

         The movie's characters are strong.  All our beloved characters are here, including Scotty (James Doohan), Uhuru (Nichelle Nichols).  Kirk is the depicted as stubbornly skeptical of the peace accords, and harbors a vendetta against the Klingons for the death of his son.  He even shows a dark side when he says "Let them die!", but he learns to overcome his hatred.  Spock is, to the point of buffoonery, the starry eyed idealist in spite of his stoic demeanor.  This is consistent with his history, and I generally like this type of character (see also: Kosh from Babylon 5).  McCoy tags along with Kirk as his lovably sarcastic self, but he doesn't develop much.  It would have been nice too have more of the Kirk/Spock/McCoy triumvirate dynamic in this movie. 

         The Klingons are brutal, but human.  Gorkon’s daughter Azetbur (Rosanna DeSoto) is an honorable person who wants Kirk to pay for her father’s murder, but is hesitant to instigate war.  Brigadier Kerla (Paul Rossilli) is a loyal member of the Klingon military who advises retaliation but follows orders not to.  Rossilli has a great scene of Good Bad Acting in which he reluctantly orders the Excelsior to stay away from the Praxis incident under the pretense that they need no help.  You can tell he has a gun to his head with that fake attempt at calm.  The Klingon Judge (Robert Easton) shows some fairness in the apparent show trial, at least for a Klingon; he rescinds the death penalty based on lack of truly conclusive evidence (much to Chang’s disappointment).  Worf’s grandfather (Michael Dorn) appears as Kirk’s defense attorney.  

         Chang himself is a great foil to Kirk.  He sees himself as an honorable foe to the Captain, and recognizes him as a fellow warrior of old.  This does not stop him from using subterfuge to destroy him in an attempt to further his goals.  Klingons clearly see an honorable fight differently.  He gleefully attacks Kirk on the battlefield of the courtroom, a consummate Klingon.  He relates the Terran’s description of the sapient condition by quoting Shakespeare, and these allusions serve as a spiritual successor to the Wrath of Khan’s use of Moby Dick. 

        Valeris is a subtle enough twist villain, and the movie does a good job making her vaguely unlikable.  Well, maybe not so vaguely when she goes on a know-it-all spiel about the etymology of the word "sabotage."

         Other cast members include Rene Auberjonois and Christian Slater (whose mother was the casting director), and Darryl Henriques.  The special effects are perfect, still using models at the time when they were perfected.  Cliff Eidelman’s ominous score completes the intrigue, and is even used as a common temping track in Hollywood. 

        One moment that annoyed me was the insertion of some post-religious nonsense, presumably to appease Roddenberry, in which Spock refers to Adam and Eve as “ancient earth mythology.”  It seems odd to call a belief that persisted at least into the 21^st Century “Ancient,” when the term generally refers to pre-Medieval periods, and Vulcans generally don’t do tongue-in-cheek hyperbole.  It’s like the trend of calling 80’s music “Oldies.”  

        I’ve always been a bit confused by the president before I realized he wasn’t Klingon.  I wonder if Efrosians suffered hate crimes during the Klingon War to the point where they were the in-universe equivalent of Sikhs.  This movie also led my childhood self to believe that Cinderella was a Russian story simply because Chekov said so.  I was not yet familiar with that running joke.  Always thought that went against the central theme of the franchise.

          Anyway, Star Trek VI is an extremely enjoyable movie, a true Trek entry despite its relative amount of action.  Oddly enough, I don’t think its writing is as tight as that of Star Trek V, but its execution is better than the direction of its often unjustifiably campy predecessor.   

"If It Wasn't for Derek Zoolander, Male Modeling Wouldn't Be What It Is Today"

Zoolander

2001

D: Ben Stiller

*********

Pros: Funny, Creative, Well-Acted

Cons: Some Bad Jokes, TIME Servility, Bland Heroine, Not Much of a Message

 

 

           I’ve observed that the funniness of a comedy is often inversely proportional to that it’s trailer.  Zoolander is no exception here.  Based on a sketch character, this has stood the test of time as one of the funniest movies of the Naughts.  Unfortunately, it was criminally underrated when it came out.  It was certainly ahead of the time, since a few years after Arrested Development, this brand of humor became accepted to the point of cliché.  

         This type of quirky comedy, based on absurd contrivances, is very high-risk-high-reward.  It requires genuine creativity, but the price is that when the jokes are bad, they are really bad.  Really bad levels of cringe.  On the other hand, more down-to-earth comedies are rarely annoying because they’re at least grounded in human reality.  Zoolander certainly has its share of cringe: the protagonists name is a lame pun, there’s a terrible boner gag (a cliché I hate) involving Andy Dick, and there’s the break dance fighting (“They’re break-dance fighting! one character helpfully points out).  

           The plot revolves around a politically significant conspiracy run by the fashion industry using male models as a weapon.  When the Prime Minister of Malaysia (Woodrow Asai) commits to a child labor ban, the Industry desperately fast-tracks an assassination scheme coordinated by designer Jacobim Mugatu (Will Ferrell) in which moronic male model Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) is brainwashed into assassinating the politician.  The plot is monitered by femme fatale model Katinka Ingabogovinana (Milla Jovovich, in arguably her best movie), and the brainwashing is done through an amusing video in which Derek is fed propaganda by Mugatu in the guise of a Buster Brownesque character named Little Cletus.  With the help of TIME Magazine reporter Matilda Jeffries (Christine Taylor) and former rival model Hansel (Owen Wilson), Derek bumbles his way into escaping the plot.  The conspiracy theorist who exposits the plan is former hand model JP Prewitt (David Duchovny), and it is very creative one.  It turns out that the Fashion Industry's greed for cheap labor has been behind every major political assassination, including that of Abraham Lincoln by John Wilkes Booth (James Marsden in a short non-speaking cameo that is oddly enough his best movie role).  Male models are the perfect assassins due to their physical fitness, access to secure areas, and susceptibility to suggestion, and they’re groomed by modeling agents like Derek’s boss Maury Ballstein (Jerry Stiller).  An absurd premise based on its own internal logic.  If you don’t see the humor in that, I don’t know what to do for you.  Apparently, this plot is suspiciously similar to that of a novel titled Glamorama, which I should probably check out sometime.  There are lot of typical jokes about how stupid models are, but they are often cleverly done.  They seemed to go out of their way to list Fabio as an exception, almost as if that was the price for having his cameo in the movie.  Another strong point in comedy is the promo videos for Zoolander and Hansel.  

           I have to point out that Mugatu, despite being a comedy antagonist, is one of my favorite movie villains.  Memorable character design, a charismatic performance, a good organizer of villainous plots, and a malicious motive: he’s got everything you need.  He’s got a particularly funny backstory that actually puts a comedic entry on my list of greatest movie twists.  It’s eventually discovered that he was originally Jacob Moogberg, a synth-guitarist for Frankie Goes to Hollywood until they fired him before they hit big.  He became a fashion mogul when he invented the piano-key necktie in 1985.  It’s of special significance that Mugatu chose “Relax” as the Pavlovian trigger for Zoolander’s sleeper agent programming.  Will Ferrell is also brilliant in the role.  I tend to believe that timing and delivery is at least as important to comedy as ideas.  In one scene we have possibly the most lowbrow, terrible joke one can imagine: Mugatu spills latte on his assistant Todd (Nathan Lee Graham) and gets turned on because it looks like he’s covered in semen. The way the two actors sell this turns it into gold.               

            The movie serves its purpose as a comedy by being very funny, but the risk of eliciting a sideye from the ghost of Tom Wolfe, I’m not sure if I can credit it for any theory.  In contrast, Stiller's also-criminally-underrated Cable Guy has many insightful and prescient themes about the influence of entertainment media and the desperation of the socially awkward people in produces.  Zoolander’s only serious messages are that models are dumb, and maybe it’s a statement about how absurd conspiracy theories are.  The latter doesn’t work (or perhaps it does), though, because the Fashion Industry's plot makes far more sense than most actual conspiracy theories.  Even one silliest of premises of such theories, that the secret villains can’t help but put self-incriminating clues in plain sight, is more logical in this comedy; Mugatu has a very obvious petty reason to sully “Relax” in the eye of the public.  

            Funny thing is that comedies like this actually explain how comedians are so terrible at political satire; they are only capable of coming up with blatantly disingenuous strawmen when serious issues are addressed.  These comedians excel in absurdism, things that are funny because they’re not true.  This works when combined with the agreement between creator and audience that this is the case.  However, these comedians abuse this exact same method to comment on politics, while removing that honest acknowledgement between themselves and the viewer, passing it off as “insight” or “truth-telling.”  Saturday Night Live’s cowbell sketch is a perfect example of this, an example of a benign strawman.

         Another problem related to this complaint is that that the movie displays a pathetically servile attitude toward the news media, let alone TIME Magazine.  Their reporter is depicted as a heroine who solves all the problems, and Derek is even implied to be an idiot just for not reading that publication in particular.  He even, rather realistically, calls out “investigatory reporters” for not caring whom they hurt as long as they can make a juicy scoop.  Matilda responds by blatantly gaslighting him about her smear article by blaming her editor for the headline (she later admits she smeared him tue to a personal vendetta against models for driving her to Bulimia).  Sounds pretty familiar nowadays, huh?  If anything the movie is an accidental indictment of an institution that apparently has nothing better to do than write articles about a male model’s embarrassing faux pas at an awards show.                                 

           Matilda herself is a typical blandly idealized female comedy protagonist.  She’s always the sane person in the room, only without the witty quips.  Despite her supposed talent as a reporter, her primary method of journalism involves running up to Mugatui in public, asking him antagonistic loaded questions, and acting surprised that he’s “harder to get to than the president.”  She loses points by impulsively participating in an uncalled-for model orgy with Derek and Hansel.  Most of her work is done by her intern Archie (Matt Levin), but she does end up making the connection that “Relax” is the trigger song. 

           Even the aforementioned issues with this movie could still be interpreted as ironic statements, enhancing it as a classic comedy.  The cast also includes Jon Voight, Vince Vaughn, and Juda Friedlander as Derek’s family, Alexander Skarsgard, Justin Theroux, Patton Oswalt, Billy Zane, Donald Trump, and a rather large number of celebrities as themselves.  The soundtrack features a few 80’s classics.   

Heavy on Style...

“Truth Seekers”

Helluva Boss

Episode 1:6

August 21, 2021

AVERAGE

Pros: Animation, Action, Some Brief Character Moments

Cons: Rushed Plot, Missed Character Opportunities, Crude Humor

 

 

           The new episode of Helluva Boss certainly took things to the next level with its animation and action.  Unfortunately, its story is rather rushed and it doesn’t quite have its narrative priorities right.  It has the makings of a great climax, but it would be nice if it was built up more.  It was, however, better the second time I watched it.

           It begins with two government agents, One (Michael Romeo Ruocco) and Two (Erica Luttrell) reviewing footage of I.M.P.’s shenanigans on Earth.  They ask how they could possibly know where the imps could strike next, only to immediately hear them making noise in the alley right outside.  It’s a predictable enough joke, and it arguably negates the possibility of Loona and Millie’s finding out their location through patient detective work after Moxxie and Blitzo are captured.

           Many fans stated anticipation for a plot in which the guys are kidnapped and the girls have to team up and rescue them, but the episode drops the ball on the character potential.  Loona and Millie hardly ever talk to each other in the series, and I think the closest they come is when Millie unwittingly unpersons Loona in “Harvest Moon Festival.”  While Loona is annoyed by the dismissive treatment she gets as a hellhound, Millie could point out her bitchiness toward Moxxie.  That, combined with a more well-developed detective story, could have made the episode more interesting. 

          Not that there’s nothing there.  Their personalities briefly clash when Millie orders Loona to reopen the portal so they can rescue the guys, and Loona points out that Blitzo ordered her to do so without any of his brand of facetiousness.  This underscores Loona’s loyalty and cautiousness while revealing that she’s also sensitive to Blitzo’s cues; she even uses his preferred name pronunciation.  Millie’s passion convinces her to go in, but not before donning her human disguise (which turns out to be unnecessary) and packing some weapons.  It’s also notable that Loona empathizes with Millie for the first time when she sees the latter’s crying over her lost husband.  Still, this interaction is way too brief and noncommittal.

        For some reason, the episode sees fit to sort out the less compelling differences between Blitzo and Moxxie.  I say this because, in spite of their butting heads, they’re still clearly comrades.  Blitzo is rude to Moxxie, but it’s obvious he values his aid and is also fiercely protective of him.  Meanwhile, the episode paradoxically espouses that Moxxie holds back on his true opinions out of fear, even though he’s frequently critical of Blitzo’s decisions.  The two end up coming clean with each other after they trip on some truth gas exposed to them by the antagonists.  Unfortunately, Blitzo still humorously abuses Moxxie physically at times during the final fight scene.

       One rather serious issue between these two that is not addressed is Blitzo’s stalking of Moxxie and Millie.  It could have been pointed out that Blitzo’s acting on fascination/jealousy of something that Moxxie, for all his nebbishness can pull off: a stable relationship.  Moxxie could tell him all he needs to do is be a better person to women rather than try to impress them, segueing into his devotion as a father.  Then Blitzo could call Moxxie out on he and his wife’s dismissive attitude toward Loona,.

         An inordinate amount of time is devoted to our heroe’s hallucinations from the gas.  Moxxie’s is appropriately a Disney-style musical, while Blitzo’s is Fleischer style mixed with 60’s psychedelics.  Moxxie butts heads with a fictionalized Blitzo (singing voice Michael Romeo Ruocco) even though Striker and Millie’s family are far more appropriate foils for his insecurities.  Blitzo faces Moxxie as well as multiple other antagonists from his life, including Striker, Verosika, and Robo-Fizz (who looks great in Fleischer style).  Blitzo faces a fact most of us know about him: his unstable and unfaithful personality drives people away.  A subtle positive point: Loona is not included among his accusatory demons.  The animation of both sequences is beautiful, but I can't help but think it was an excuse for stylization.

        Despite the skimpy narrative, this episode reinforces my affinity for Loona.  It can’t be stressed enough that I believe she’s a distinct character than what we see in the Pilot.  Moxxie’s practicality in that episode was transferred to her resulting in a more amusing and balanced dynamic in which Loona secretly turns out to be the sensible one while Moxxie is a classic stupid smart person.  I tend to relate to stoical-but-occasionally temperamental introverts, and Loona is also the most cautious of the bunch as well; she usually doesn’t act without planning.  

        I also wanted to see Loona’s finally letting loose and kicking some ass while directly protecting Bltzo, and I got that.  It’s always been implied that hellhounds are a force to be reckoned with.  In the last episode the mere presence of one, despite costing the good guys a drop on him, was enough to make Striker flee, and they’re in demand as bodyguards.  Loona’s background is an intriguing mystery that leaves the possibility of fight training open, but, like most things in this episode, it would be a lot more satisfactory if this were patiently held off.

        And boy, oh boy, is this action scene glorious.  It’s beautifully animated and a great example of cathartic action.  It helps that it’s set to a passably effective guitar riff.  It also draws attention to an advantage of animation: the “camera” follows the action in a physically impossible fashion that would be a cringe cheat in live-action.  The animation team more than redeems itself for Ploona’s blatant force kick.  

        Despite the heroes’ triumphant performance, they run out of ammo and are trapped by the Agents, but are saved by a Deus Diabolus Ex Machina.  Stolas appears out of nowhere to intimidate the Agents and rescue IMP.  His only explanation for knowing their location is that “has his ways.”  He then paternally chastises IMP for their carelessness only to leave Agents One and Two alive as loose ends, assuming no one will believe them.  You’d think if he somehow knew where Blitzo & Co. were he’d also realized that this Government HQ was a branch, which it is clearly is when the the Agents decide to use evidence of his apparition as the proof they need to send up to their superiors.

        Still, it’s amazing how well-executed the scene is.  We finally see Stolas in all his demonic glory.  Every little thing in this scene is great.  The mysterious buildup.  Agent Two’s getting possessed, zombified Agents drawing a summoning circle,  the epic cover of Stolas’ theme, the look of wonder and horror on Blitzo’s face, the contemptuous glare Stolas gives the agents after reverting to his normal form, the swish of his cape when he turns his back on them.  The “not worth killing” effect could have been maintained by Stolas’ simply picking up a handgun and unceremoniously shooting them without making him look like a fool.

         These two unearned climaxes may be justified by being catalysts for further plot development.  I have a hunch that Stolas’ apparition, while being horrifying from a human/imp/hellhound point of view, may have been considered straight-up clown behavior by demon royalty.  He let himself be recorded by mortals, with evidence of his lending out his Grimoire to some losers and even said in the video that Blitzo was his “plaything.”  I have a feeling that the resultant scandal is the reason why we see his sadly eating cereal in deserted mansion in the Season 1 trailer.  It's heavily implied, after all, that Stolas is seen as a walking joke in hell already.   

          I’ll probably take the opportunity to point out that I hate Stolitz, even though it seems to be encouraged by the creators and popular among the fandom.  Stolas is a pathetic simp who’s too horny to resist banging Blitzo even though it’s destroyed his marriage and traumatized his daughter, while Blitzo uses the Prince for transactional purposes.  Despite a kiss at the end and an indication that Blitzo enjoys some of the sex play, I don’t think episode does much to justifiy this as a good ship.

          The humor in this episode is a mixed bag.  There are a lot of moments that got a chuckle out of me, but there are some moments of extreme cringe.  It’s unfortunate that they had mess with one of the show’s more wholesome aspects by making a crude joke about Millie’s pegging Moxxie.  Agents One and Two are not terribly interesting characters.  They’re just basic G-Man spoofs who sport obnoxiously exaggerated accents, and were probably better left dead by Stolas.  At least we were spared the cringe of the common fan speculation that the people who tied Stolas and Moxxie up were Catholic cardinals (for now).   

           The movie has a few great payoffs and opens up intriguing possibilities for the future, but could have used a lot more buildup in order to make these climaxes less unearned.  It should have been a two-parter.  

              

          

 

QUOTES

 

 

MILLIE: SHIT.  Shit, shit, shit…agghh…

LOONA: You, uh, you okay, there?

MILLIE: What’re you doin’ sittin’ there?  The boys are in trouble!  Open it again.

LOONA: Blitzo was using a total of zero euphemisms, innuendos, or swears.  That means it was serious, which means I don’t open it until-

MILLIE: OPEN THE FUCKIN’ PORTAL NOW!

 

AGENT ONE: What do you mean by that?

BLITZO: Oh, you’re stupid, huh?  I can work with stupid.  Daddy likey dummy.

[Moxxie can’t help but laugh]

 

BLITZO: Hey, aren’t we gonna get our phone call, bitch?

AGENT ONE: Well, that entirely depends, who you gonna call, hmm?

BLITZO: Your fat mom, thanking her for a fat time!

AGENT TWO: Nice try, demon, his fat mom is dead!

[Agent One cries]

 

[next scene with Blitzo, Moxxie, and the Agents]

AGENT ONE: Stop insulting my mother, she’s dead!

[Blitzo sticks his tongue out him]

 

[Loona and Millie come up to a keyboard with a the “1” worn out.  Millie examines it carefully]

MILLIE: Try one.

[Loona presses one repeatedly and the door opens]

Pony Hype

“The Super Cider Squeezy 6000”

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

Episode 215

January 28, 2012

Below Average

Pros: One Good Running Joke in First Act

Cons: Poorly Thought-Out Plot, Dull

 

 

           It’s been a while since I’ve done an episode of MLP:FIM because it’s been a while since I’ve been all that into MLP:FIM.  Still, it’s fun to deconstruct these things, and this is an episode I’ve always wanted to get to since it always struck me as a decidedly mediocre entry as well as an overrated one.  So now it’s long overdue for me to dissent on the artistic prestige of “Super Cider Squeezy 6000.” 

           It begins with the Apples’ selling their once-in-a-year homemade apple cider, which brings lines like that of a communist country.  People have questioned why the Apples can only produce cider for this one short period, when they can produce the stuff as long as they have apples.  Personally, I think it’s to create a false scarcity that increases demand and price.  It’s explained that the profits from the cider period are what they need to get through the winter, so it makes sense to do something like this.  However, there’s clearly a problem because the Apples cannot produce enough cider to satisfy the trumped-up demand.  One wonders why no one simply decides to produce their own cider, but maybe IP laws are different in Equestria (contrary to what happens in “Rarity Takes Manehattan”).  Perhaps the Apples can also take up some other work to support themselves during the winter?

           The only part of the episode I found particularly amusing is a running joke in which Rainbow Dash cannot get any cider.  The humor is reinforced by an element of anti-karma.  Despite her extreme anticipation for this, she takes the time to wake up Fluttershy so the latter can get some too and even lets her friend go in line in front of her.  This, along with Pinkie Pie’s shameless greed, narrowly prevents her from getting her sample.  You’d think the Apples would ration this stuff for everyone, but that’s not their problem.  Unfortunately, this arc ends immediately when Rainbow gets a taste of cider thanks to the Flim-Flam Brothers’ (Sam Vincent and Scott McNeil) cider-making machine.  Practically near the beginning of the episode.  

          While the Flim-Flams are depicted as villains, they actually present a solution to Ponyville’s problem.  They can provide an efficient way to provide people with cider while the Apples can sell them the raw material.  This may not cover the needed expenses for the winter, but perhaps the Apples can insist on royalties in some kind of deal.  Meanwhile they can still make organic cider for the niche market.  The episode misses an opportunity for conflict by having Rainbow automatically side with the Mane Six despite having reason to see Flim-Flams’ point.  I’m not a particularly hard-core fiscon, but it seems like a pretty obvious free market solution that could everyone if done right.    

          In a contrivance that many have called out, they agree to an absurd contest in which winner takes control of Sweet Apple Acres.  Of course, the Apples have every right to tell them them to bugger off and everything to lose by agreeing to this, but it happens anyway.  In order to keep up with the cider production, our protagonists resort to running themselves ragged (this includes Apple Bloom and Granny Smith) while enlisting the temporary help of the Twilight, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity.  They’re barely able to keep pace over the SCS6000, so the Flim-Flams decide to gain an edge by deactivating the machine’s automatic quality control, allowing spoiled apples to enter the mixture.  They seemingly win the contest until people taste the fruits of their labor and spit it out in disgust.  The Apples win.  In what would be a cute twist on the show’s formula if it was earned, Applejack’s letter to Celestria proudly proclaims that she didn’t learn anything because she was right all along.  Surely, a less-than-amused Celestia would write back with a lesson:

 

        Applejack,

 

       It seems that there was indeed much for you to learn.  Your business model is flawed to the point of failing to account for the town’s demand for a certain product.  As long as this situation persists, there will be multiple competitors like the Brothers Flim-Flam who will offer the solution that you currently will not provide.  You barely survived the fallout of your own logistical shortcomings, and you only did so by resorting unsustainable means: enlisting the temporary, free help of your friends as well as that of your elderly grandmother and your school-age sister.  You should have taken this as the warning it was.  Because as long as you do not address this, there will more Flim-Flams.  And you will not always be so lucky.

 

                                                                             Do not waste my time like this again,

                                                                                                                                    Princess Celestia

 

       It seems to be a popular fallacy (especially in politics) that people will mistake their barely surviving the consequences of their mistakes as proof they were right all along.  Now, Scorpio, you say, this is just a children’s cartoon, your being too critical.  Well, I’d say you’re partially right, I shouldn’t expect too much narrative quality, but this is a show for small children with the purpose of teaching them lessons, and this episode’s lack thereof is unearned.

     Of course, I’d be perfectly willing to forgive this if I found the episode entertaining, which I do not.  The only particularly funny part was the aforementioned Rainbow joke, and I’m not particularly fond of the song.  I know it’s purely subjective, but I just don’t like this type of music and found this number to be a bore.  Also, it’s “sophisticated” reference to The Music Man is less impressive when most of us are more familiar to The Simpson’s classic reference to that movie, arguably making this episode guilty of committing a cardinal sin of comedy: making a parody of a parody.  

 

 

QUOTES

 

[Pinkie has just cheated Rainbow out of cider]

PINKIE PIE: She’s right, you know!  You can’t rush perfection, and this year’s batch was perfection!

FLUTTERSHY: Erm, Pinkie Pie…

PINKIE PIE: I’ll never forget the cider I just drank.  It was a moment in time that will never exist again.  

 

APPLE BLOOM: That’s it, the last cup!

[crowd groans revealing Rainbow’s hovering in line in the distance]

RAINBOW: Oh, for Pete’s sake!