The Emperor Is Naked

Star Wars: Dark Empire

1991-2

Tom Veitch

Cam Kennedy (artwork)

**********

Pros: Artwork

Cons: Plot, Writing

 

 

        The 90’s Star Wars Renaissance was contemporary to my childhood, and I had a mild sampling of it. In those days I was somewhat close-minded toward the idea of continuing the saga after the resolution in Return of the Jedi. I gleaned most of my EU lore from Essential Guides and video games. Despite this, I had access to issues 1 and 3 of Dark Empire. Now more open-minded, I found out that this work had always been a sore spot in the EU fandom, and there is little wonder. By bringing back the Emperor from death, it besmirched Anakin’s legacy and, as I have recently confirmed, the writing is lackluster at best. In fact, I hear it was actually used as an argument for retconning the Expanded Universe in favor of the sequel trilogy! This turned out to be a Deal with the Devil. One can wonder less at TROS’ transcendent badness is that it’s not a bad rip-off of Return of the Jedi, it’s bad rip-off of Dark Empire.

        The one redeeming feature that attracts me to Dark Empire, however is that Cam Kennedy’s artwork is freaking awesome. It’s a shame that it seems to be the best work from someone who could have more satisfying used it during his career with Judge Dredd. The artwork is gritty and detailed, with some of the designs’ being the main source of creativity in this comic. The inking contrasts well with the unique water-coloring look. This is apparently controversial because this is the type of coloring that many people seem to despise and would likely see a soullessly antiseptic digital redux as an improvement (Killing Joke comes to mind) over. Then again, I also like the controversial coloring of V for Vendetta’s 30^th Anniversary Edition. If not for the visuals, I would give this comic no more than three stars, probably two. 

         I’ve occasionally drawn inspiration from it. 

         Still, there are some mistakes, most notably the moment in which our heroes discover that Boba Fett is still alive, and Han reacts with a hilariously stilted expression and subsequently has his faced awkwardly blocked by Boba’s foot. That’s an acceptable price to pay for the creative layouts this comic displays. Kennedy is also one of the artists who is guilty of drawing TIE Fighters with awkwardly short solar wing panels. Once could say that the Boba Fett comics have the best of both worlds, as they boast Kennedy’s same style with competent, interesting writing, but it sadly looks somewhat less impressive.

         The story, on the other hand, is just as lame as the artwork is beautiful. I’d make an obvious comparison between that and another flawed work with a divisive art style that I love, but that’s actually pretty unfair to even Viv. The story adds nothing in terms of interesting concepts to the Star Wars saga while bringing it down with the obvious aforementioned controversy. Only a few cool ships are added (the Lictor-class might be a reference to Gene Wolfe's Book of the New Sun?). Characters are not developed further, and there are hardly even any memorable lines of dialogue. Despite not adding much substance, the comic has some moments of stilted exposition and as-you-knowing. Ironically not much of that is in regards to the few potentially interesting original characters. These newcomers have interesting backstories that only come up in the supplementary material of an early-1995 edition I possess. Using the Manual as crutch for narrative that should have been integrated into the work (see also: Avatar’s lore). This, however, is a tentative criticism because I have yet to read Dark Empire II and Empire’s End, in which this problem could possibly be rectified.  

           Briefly after the events of Thrawn Trilogy, the Imperial Remnant, despite being bitterly divided against itself, has ransacked the Galaxy and taken the war to Coruscant while the New Republic is hiding in “Pinnacle Base.” In other words, the Rebellion Reset from TFA only it makes even less sense. Enough people have pointed out the aesthetic and ideological failures inherent in this trend. The narrative begins with Han and Leia leading a rescue mission for a group of good guys led by by Luke and Lando on Coruscant. They are forced to abandon Luke when a large Dark Force wormhole comes out of nowhere and destroys everything. Luke, knowing that it is meant for him, submits to it and is taken away with R2.

           Aside from the Emperor’s resurrection, the Force Storm is another utterly stupid addition to Star Wars lore that outdoes any made-up Force ability that Disney has come with as far as I know. An all-destructive storm that Palpatine can just simply summon and send anywhere apparently also serves as ride-sharing program. How convenient. 

           Meanwhile the Rebels (I’m calling them that for convenience’s sake) now have to contend with the Empire’s invasion of Mon Calamari using the dreaded World Devastators, large ships that consume the world’s surface and use it to expand themselves while creating swarms of droid TIE’s on the fly. A cool enough concept, except the comic constantly gaslights us into thinking that they are somehow “worse than the Death Star” despite not displaying much advantage as a superweapon over that of an orbital bombardment by Star Destroyers, let alone those stupid f---king Force Storms. One potentially interesting implication, which is never acknowledged in the comic, is that their consumption and expansion turns them into a sort of technological cancer that the Empire loses control of. Despite the lack of creativity, Starkiller Base and the Xyston-Class Star Destroyers are at least an upgrade from the Death Star.  

          Determined to rescue Luke from the clutches of the Emperor, Leia convinces Han to help her rescue him. The plan involves going to Nar Shaddaa to get someone that Han knows to take them to the new Imperial homeworld of Byss. Despite the Empire’s downfall coming from indie freighter pilots in the Trilogy, the mysterious Imperial world of Byss just lets any idiot with shipping license enter their space (also in spite of history, they don’t allow bounty hunters). Admittedly, this is actually an advantage boasted by The Rise of Skywalker because Exegol actually is a mysterious planet that could only be accessed by navigating a dangerous nebula using a secret artifact. When our heroes do reach Byss, all it takes to get into the Emperor’s sinister, but flimsy-looking stronghold is for Leia to use a Jedi Mind Trick on the security gunner. If they had not been driven to desperation to try this whole stunt by its being a rescue mission, they could have easily blown the place up, which is what they could have done the whole time!

            However, before this they have to go to Nar Shadaa. Han and Leia make their way to the secret base of a man with funny hair that Han knows where they meet a woman with funny hair that Han knows. The woman, Salla Zend, has a history with Han and is bitter because of his scoundrel nature. There are only two lines of lip service given to this before she simply shrugs and helps him anyway as the collective readership sighs in relief at comic’s dangerously coming close to actually having a character arc.

          For some reason, Hand and Leia kill time during the maintenance of Salla’s ship to visit Han’s old apartment despite every bounty hunter on Nar Shadaa’s looking for them. As it turns out killing Jabba actually made things worse for our heroes because the entire Hutt Community quadrupled the bounty and included Leia. This problem once so serious that it actually forced Han to temporarily abandon the alliance despite his loyalty to in Empire Strikes Back I guess is only an occasional inconvenience now. Han should expect his apartment to be trashed by now, but instead makes a sarcastic comment to his clearly damaged maid droid about its housekeeping abilities before a surprisingly living Boba Fett emerges from the shadows.

          Admittedly there is a good subtle foreshadowing in that one of the bounty hunter ships that attack the Falcon on the way to Shug’s is featured prominently, only to back off when it gets too dangerous; this ends up being the Slave II. Unfortunately, this is the only intelligence Boba displays in the comic. First, he fails to corner Han and Leia in the apartment despite the element of surprise. Then logically incurs a bounty on himself by accidentally killing a random Hutt boss during the chase. He completes the Hat Trick by running right into Byss’ planetary shield because the Empire doesn’t see any significance in a freighter’s being chased by a bounty hunter. This makes Dengar swear never to work with him again.   

          When our heroes eventually reach the Emperor, Leia is now being seduced by the cloned Emperor in the same way that Luke is, with Luke’s already becoming the new Vader in a desperate attempt to save the Galaxy. In reality, Luke is secretly attaining the deactivation codes for the World Devastators. Palpatine knows this, but lets him do it under the moronic assumption that he is still in control of the whole situation. I’d say he is making the exact same mistake he made in Return of the Jedi, but with neither Luke nor Leia’s actually falling for his shit, he has even less reason to think he is in control. He shows Leia a Jedi holocron and then pulls the same trick Vader did with Luke about turning her, except with her unborn child. Except it actually made sense for Vader to do this because the point was to get him angry enough to kill him; he’s ignoring the 20/20 hindsight that both sides should have. Unsurprisingly, this doesn’t work, and Leia hilariously dumps him onto the ground and runs. Palpatine chuckles that this is going as planned until he notices she took the holocron and malds like the stupid old idiot that he is.

           We should all thank Lucas for making Sheev one of the most brilliant evil geniuses out there with the Prequel Trilogy.

           Luke deactivates the World Devastators, and Salla and Shug return to rescue everyone, but Luke stays behind to eliminate the Emperor and his clones. He almost succeeds but for the one clone that Palpatine managed to transfer his spirit into. In one of the most infamous visuals in the Expanded Universe, Luke finds himself in a lightsaber fight with a naked man who defeats him. Considering the recent efforts to rehabilitate Dark Empire after being disappointed by Disney, I think the obvious joke is not too inappropriate here. 

           Luke and the Emperor return in the Eclipse to menace Pinnacle Moon with a Force Storm, but Leia shows up again and she and Luke use the Power of Friendship to finally defeat him and cause his second “death.”

           Overall, Dark Empire is cheesy and poorly thought-out. It makes the same mistake that would inform The Rise of Skywalker, and is a testament to how sometimes the older works are not necessarily the best. The one thing that redeems it is the artwork, which alone makes this a guilty pleasure for me to the point where I don’t regret my ownership of the comic.

QUOTES

SHUG NINX: Han! Mako just got off the Link--said you were coming' my way...Sorry...I'm in enough trouble with the Hutt! No can do!

HAN: C'mon Ninx! I saved your skin when you got caught run-in' ion triggers to the Zyggurats...remember?

CHEWIE: NHURARRN!

SHUG NINX: Yeah...who could forget? But I paid you back, Buddy. Remember that free power core and shield generator I gave ya after--

HAN: Cut the gab, Ninx! I'm comin' in! Open the chute!

SHUG NINX: Yeah...but...oh, all right. Chute's unlocked. Get your tail in here! But it's gonna cost ya!

Star Trek Movies Ranked

As you'll discover, I personally believe the even-odd rule to be bunk.

I also disdain the TNG movies to the point where I decided to headcanon a couple Patrick Stewart TV movies as Picard's messing around in the Holodeck because they'd end up being the best ones.

15. Star Trek: Insurrection

1998

D: Jonathan Frakes

**********

Unambiguously the worst of all the Trek movies. A species pretends to Pre-Warp so they can selfishly hoard a life-saving resource, and Picard and Co. miss the point of the Prime Directive and take their side. 

 

14. Star Trek Beyond

2016

D: Justin Lin
**********

A mindless (and not terribly fun) action movie with little substance other than lazy tacked-on fanservice. Shares the first reboot’s problem of a bland villain with faux-understandable motivation: he wants to take revenge on the Federation and its innocent citizens for not bailing him out of the dangers of space exploration that he consented to.

 

13. Star Trek

2009

D: JJ Abrams

**********

A formulaic, mindless popcorn movie made by someone who by his own admission would have rather make a bad Star Wars rehash. At least it had some good visuals.

 

12. Star Trek Generations

1994

**********

D: David Carson

A middling episode of TNG stretched out into a movie with a poor attempt to include a meeting between Picard and Kirk. The results are disappointing. Extra points for having the nerve of recycling the exploding Bird of Prey footage from the last film. It also sullied the Series' perfect ending by continuing the TNG story, which next to nothing good came out of since.

 

11. Star Trek: First Contact

1996

D: Jonathan Frakes

**********

The movie that missed the point of the Borg by giving them a Queen. Generally considered to be the best TNG movie simply for being passably entertaining as an action flick.  The high point is this eloquent speech from Picard despite its being deconstructed by the plot, but not really.

 

10. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

1986

D: Leonard Nimoy

**********

Despite its popularity, it’s the worst of the numbered movies. Its stupid premise literally named a discredited trope in a desperate attempt to convey a fashionable lesson.  Its generally liked for its good execution and its showcasing of the characters’ being themselves, as well as a few good details involving deterministic time travel.

 

 

9. Star Trek: Nemesis

2002

D: Stuart Baird

**********

Mostly a waste of a great Trek premise: the Romulans attempt to clone Picard in order to replace him with a mole but, being Romulans, they undergo one of their many violent regime changes, and the new government abort the plan and send the clone to die in some slave colony. Now said clone (a very charismatic Tom Hardy) has led yet another coup and wants to reclaim his destiny (Q should have been in this movie, he would have a field day with this). A few crowd-pleasing moments, but it’s a great idea reduced to a cheesy action movie when it should have been a political thriller. It doesn’t help that they killed off Data only to imply that he can be easily replaced with a copy.

 

8. "A Christmas Carol"

1999

D: David Jones

**********

Picard messing around in the Holodeck as Scrooge as a means to self-assess his own misanthropic tendencies. Redundantly competent as a Christmas Carol adaptation, but fwiw it’s an above-average TNG movie. 

 

7. Star Trek Into Darkness

2013

D: JJ Abrams

**********

Despite all the complaints about its being a cheap fanfiction of Wrath of Khan, it’s actually the most watchable of the reboots. Unlike the other two, it features a charismatic villain whose motivations actually make sense, and it has effective action. Abrams, being a normie, at least has enough appreciation of Star Trek II to make this one work. Ironically, the best argument for the even/odd rule.

 

6. "Moby Dick"

1998

D: Franc Roddam

**********

Picard once again examines his minanthropic tendencies in the Holodeck by playing an appropriate character. This time he explores the possibility he could be obsessive to the point of insanity. This, along with his turn as Scrooge, possibly helped him develop as a character throughout the series. It doesn’t hold a candle next to the prose of the novel, but it works as a surprisingly good adaptation with good casting choices like Ted Levine as Starbuck and Hugh Keays-Byrne as Stubb. The latter casting choice makes it a bit disappointing that Stubb’s scene with the  noisy sharks was not included. 

 

5. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

1991

D: Nicholas Meyer

**********

I would like to give this the runner-up position for its execution and intrigue, but it has way too many plotholes to fully let get away with.

 

4. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

1989 

D: William Shatner

**********

Despite its inappropriately campy execution, it’s a solid character-driven story. Despite its apparent irreverence, it’s actually more like a based deconstruction of Reformed Theology (it’s probably not a coincidence that the dude who played Sybok is Catholic). I also love the idea of the Federation, Klingons, and Romulans’ giving lip service to détente by designating a back-water planet as a “Friendship World” and dumping three over-the-hill officials to just hang out there. I'd like to see a sitcom about those guys.  

 

3. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

1984

D: Leonard Nimoy

**********

A movie good enough to make retconning a character’s death work (mostly by coming at a cost), while deconstructing the apparent utilitarianism of Spock’s mantra. Also a great moment for Star Trek lore: introducing the Bird of Prey, the Oberth class, the Excelsior, and the fully-developed Klingon language.

 

2. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

1979

D: Robert Wise

**********

An artfully directed film with wonderful visuals and the nerve to show them off. Mostly maligned for being a slow-burn, but its biggest problem is its suspicious resemblance to “The Changeling.” At least it’s a better rehash of that than TFA is of ANH.

 

1. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

1982

D: Nicholas Meyer

**********

Just submitting to public consensus here. A rare instance in which an underdog villain manages to work. Good depiction of an antagonist who overplays his card because he’s obsessed with revenge, complete with Moby-Dick homages.

"THIS IS WHAT MORMONS ACTUALLY BELIEVE"

Hazbin Hotel

2024-

**********

 

 

        After resisting the temptation, I’ve finally decided to watch Hazbin Hotel on Amazon Prime.  Despite my own trendy prejudgment, it’s actually a decent story once taken on its own terms.  There was every reason to doubt Viv considering her history, but my friend’s speculation that she would do a better job when forced to write a story in blocks seems like it might be true.  

        Most of the prejudgment of Hazbin has been based on two seemingly opposite premises.  The first camp speaks of the “Good Adult Cartoons” and how the show fails to meet the apparently sophomoric interpretation of what constitutes one.  The most prevalent of such criticisms is that the show somehow doesn’t do foul language “right” in some nebulous way.  It’s like pottymouthedness has its own Reformed Theology in which one is justified by “fuck” alone but if you’re in doubt it, it means you didn’t say “fuck”right.   

        If anything, Hazbin is a step in the right direction for adult western animation due to its aesthetic and earnestness.  Most evidently it rejects the unwritten rule that adult cartoons must be flat (as if caring about animation was childish!) with its expressive, ornate, toony style.  It also rejects the irony-poisoned flippancy most adult animation is crippled by.  The typical adult cartoon would find it incomprehensible to have a well-executed scene in which a prostitute is abused and threatened by his pimp played straight; it would come up with some flimsy pretext to somehow pass off this abuse as a joke in and of itself. 

        More valid and vital than this faux sophistication are the earnest moral and theological complaints about the from conservative side of the aisle.  This is understandable as the premise is about people in hell as sympathetic protagonists being oppressed by the Heavenly elite, as well as the history of its creator.  Moreover, Helluva Boss has shown itself very questionable in its themes recently, sacrificing continuity in name of subversive morality.  One would expect Hazbin to share its fate as being an unwitting indictment of the creators’ libertine values by honestly depicting their consequences.  In a pleasant surprise, however, it apparently promotes self-improvement and morals in a surprisingly conventional way.

         The primary reason for this is that the subverted theology isn’t really that.  It may seem like a romanticization of Satan’s rebellion against the constraints of religion, but Lucifer (Jeremy Jordan) is depicted as deeply regretful of the destruction he wrought with the Fall, choosing to sulk passively.  The Intro cloyingly describes Lilith as having inspired the denizens of hell to live freely with sin, but we immediately see that the place is an exploitative slum in which the strong oppress the weak.  Heaven is made up of a mix of malicious oppressors and the naively privileged.  In other words, Hazbin Hotel is only about Abrahamic religion in the same way that Harry Potter is about sorcery or Hercules (1997) is about Greek mythology; it’s just uses it as a setting to tell a story (think of the so-called "Jesus Fandom").  It’s not so much anti-Christian as it is disinterestedly post-Christian.  I’ve heard the term “sub-blasphemous” to describe it.  From a Christian point of view, this is obviously a problem, that Christianity rendered irrelevant to the point of pop cultural fodder.  Then again, when taken on its own terms, the show is actually decent story with good themes.

         The impetus for the story involves the Extermination, in which angels called Exorcists invade Hell and slaughter a number of sinners, ostensibly to keep the population down.  Horrified by this, Lucifer and Lilith’s daughter Charlotte "Charlie" Morningstar (Erika Henningsen) founds a rehabilitation center called the Hazbin Hotel, in which lost souls can be redeemed in order to go to Heaven so they would not have to be killed during the purge.

            Charlie finds a patron in the form of Alastor (Amir Talai), an Overlord of Hell (a meritocracy of relatively powerful sinners).  Unlike in the pilot, in which he is a faux-affably evil egotist who only seems to “help” Charlie out of his own amusement, Alastor is a compellingly ambiguous character.  Despite his reputation, he seems to actually like Charlie.  His antagonistic behavior toward Lucifer could be interpreted as a call-out for the latter’s neglect; Lucifer has allowed his daughter to be a proxy for Hell’s contempt for his weakness as a leader.  Unlike Lucifer, Alastor has been supportive of Charlie’s efforts and has acted more as a mentor than he has.  He also privately expresses his affection for the her patients to his servant Niffty (Kimiko Glenn).  On the other hand, he talked Charlie into a deal that could(?) be put her in thrall to him due to clever wordplay, and his engineering of an alliance between her and Overlord Rosie (Leslie Rodriguez Kritzer) may be questionable.  In the finale, he is broken by his losing to Season's prime antagonist in the battle while Lucifer, who has finally come through for his daughter and defeats the said villain.  Unable to cope with his failure to replace Lucifer as a father figure, he accepts his status as a schemer with a secret agenda before returning to the hotel as an apparent friend.

           Among the Overlords is a splinter group of secondary antagonists known as the Vees.  Valentino (Joel Perez), Angel’s pimp, is a pornographer and arguably the most purely evil character in the series. Vox (Christian Borle), is a news/entertainment media mogul, and Velvette (Lilli Cooper) is a fashion mogul.  Their power grab is motivated by finding the corpse of a slain Exorcist, and attempting to use the revelation for leverage, which is particularly tense for Hell’s top arms dealer Carmilla Carbine (Daphne Rubin-Vega).  Meanwhile, Alastor’s return the limelight has angered Vox.  I’m not sure what Viv thought she was doing by depicting talk radio hosts and arms dealers as ambiguously sympathetic while casting the media and pornographers as villains.

         Perhaps Vox will attempt to found Air Hell as a doomed attempt to muscle in on Alastor’s territory.

          As for the show’s reducing Biblical stories to story fodder, Hazbin does end up turning Lucifer into a genuinely compelling character by not depicting him as the wholesome symbol of freedom that is typical of most modernist subversions.  In fact, he deeply regrets the mistake he made with the Fall, and has spent most of his time sulking, allowing his wife Lilith to take a more active role in defining Hell’s society.  He overcomes his self-doubt and cynicism by saving Charlie from the Exterminators and supporting her in her quest to redeem souls to heaven.

         Lilith turns out to be a well-executed mysterious character.  She inspired Hell with her free-living personality, but the evidence shows that Hell is an exploitative ghetto.  Since then she has been MIA.  In an intriguing reveal, the season finale displays her kicking back in heaven with the implication that she bribed the Extermination into existence.  It’s also suggested in a short flashback that she also engineered Charlie’s distant relationship with Lucifer.  It seems that the idealized description of her by Charlie was a lie told to her as a child.  It’s too bad that this moment from the Pilot is non-canon because of how well it fits with the new narrative.      

          One of the more compelling characters is Angel Dust (Blake Roman), an effeminate, sex-addicted porn star who has joined the Hotel in an attempt to turn over a new leaf.  Unfortunately, Angel is still in demonic thrall to Valentino, and the episode that focuses on this drama is the most well-executed and poignant in the series.  After some harsh truth-telling from his friend Husk (Keith David), he vows to live a cleaner life off the clock and he even puts some effort into protecting a more naive character from falling into his own vices.  My first instinct to praise montage of his sexual abuse (I initially dismissed the song number as a poor man's version of his pre-Amazon theme, but it turns out to fit well in the episode) as well-executed without being too titillating, but apparently Viv and one or two collaborators apparently have a bit of a rape fetish history, and I'm an idiot.  It's also cheapened by a character's sexual assault's being played for laughs in the very next episode.  It's strange that people with a really screwed-up kink manage to effectively play it for how disturbing it really is to normal people.

          The episode is titled "Masquerade," by the way.     

          While the vulgarity of the show is exaggerated, the one context in which is annoying is when it is from Adam (Alex Brightman).  His forced crudeness is probably a cheap way to make him more unlikable than necessary, but this is complicated by his having a pretty cool character design and singing what is far and away the best song in the show.

           Another talk of the show is Sir Pentious (Alex Brightman), a Victorian engineer who thinks he’s a mad scientist.  He is very much a wannabe villain, attempting to become an Overlord through conquest and technology.  Unfortunately, he lacks the cunning and killer’s instinct to be one.  One could imagine his ending up in Hell for some mundane reason, seeing himself in the form of a snake, and erroneously resigning to his fate as a supervillain. Having been sent to hotel by The Vees as a mole, his cover is blown and he breaks down, only to be forgiven by Charlie and taken in as a patient.  This is the one moment in which is arc is justifiably rushed because nobody wants to sit through a lengthy Third Act Mope after the Liar Is Revealed.  On the other hand, his arc is rushed.  The pilot gave people a lot of hope that he would spend at least a season as an ineffectual villain before joining the Hotel, but he spends no screen time in this role, and his potentially compelling foe-romance with Cherri-Bomb (Krystina Alabado) is reduced to his final confession of love for her without any of the tense build-up beforehand.  In the final battle, Adam instantaneously kills him, but Pentious’ self-sacrifice makes him the first Sinner to go to Heaven.  While impeccably timed for comedy, it’s anticlimactic.           

          Another important character is Vaggie (Stephanie Beatriz), Charlie’s girlfriend.  Her highly disciplined nature makes her awkward with dealing with the patients, and she ends up treating them like a platoon during Boot Camp, foreshadowing her reveal as a former Exorcist.  Indeed, the world’s worst fears are confirmed when Adam confirms that her name really does mean Vagina! (It’s his fault of course).  Vaggie ends up having a tense relationship with Carmilla, Hell’s leading arms dealer.  They share a tedious song number before they even meet, and Vaggie eventually confronts her in order to procure a hoard of angelic weapons for the Final Battle.  The arc only seems to make sense if the two are either secretly related or end up being shipped (hopefully after Vaggie breaks up with Charlie, of course). 

         As with some works I enjoy, I have to forgive Hazbin for arguably having more than its share of plot-holes.  Carmilla stumbles the ability to kill an Exorcist when she was cornered into protecting her loved ones, and she struggles over the morality of this rash decision despite being Hell's leading arms dealer.  It has never occurred to her to try this before despite having access to the Exorcists' only weakness: angelic steel. When Adam reveals that he plans to target the Hotel first during the next Extermination, Charlie and Co. have a golden opportunity to take advantage of this knowledge but instead they decide to hole up in the big mansion where the villain knows to find them because they're idiots.  Pentious's death is a Holdo Maneuver within a Holdo Maneuver: despite how effortless and powerful Adam's destruction of the zeppelin is, this is the only time he ever uses this move.  After the Final Battle, the Vees discuss a way to take advantage of the resulting "power vacuum" that isn't: not only has Charlie been vindicated by the battle, she also has an army and arsenal at her disposal, as well as the support of Lucifer, who has final grown a backbone and will likely be a more pro-active Ruler of Hell.  That is literally the opposite of a power vacuum.  Despite Emily's (Shoba Narayan) disillusionment with Sera (Patina Miller), she has no problem having tea with her in the Finale, presumably so we can see their contrasting reactions to St. Pentious' suddenly dropping in.  Also Pentious' being the first person redeemed himself through self-sacrifice defies the probability of anyone's having sacrificed himself for another during any previous Extermination or in general.  The only way this could make sense is that those people did not conceive of the idea of redemption therefore were not saved.  Then again this would justify the "Heaven Is Evil" theme by having work on Calvinist rules. 

         Some of these apparent flaws could be rectified depending on how the show progresses.  Pentious' arc may be rushed, but it may have just begun.  He begins to work toward doing what he can to help his friends from Heaven despite admonitions to forget about them.  Such a development could vindicate some of our wishful thinking that this show accidentally succeeds in being a based takedown of Reformed Theology a la Star Trek V.  I found the episode in which Charlie negotiates a Redshirt Pact with Rosie to be dull, but there's a possibility that this could end up biting her in the ass later, as she's now indebted to an Overlord and while attempting to appease an army of literal cannibals.  This could also be true since the deal was Alastor's idea.            

        I’ve always been a fan of Viv’s style, and I’ve never understood the criticism of its being “2000’s DeviantArt Style” that one is supposed to “grow out of.”  I wouldn’t equate Hazbin with Star Wars, but imagine taking cartoons seriously and then being the spiritual successor to everyone who thought George Lucas “wasted” his talent by elevating those silly matinee serials.   If anything, I find it refreshing that this colorful and expressive look has finally hit it big in the professional animation realm, especially after years of flat, lifeless animation, especially for adult audiences.  It’s cool that Viv has stuck to her guns on this.

       A perfect blend of toon stylization and anime embellishment, the artstyle lends inself well to expressive animation.  The style arguably qualifies as kitsch (which might explain some the Catholic following, we like flowery stuff), and a relatively good example of it.  Ornate, earnest, and splendidly naïve of the sensibilities of the establishment and its minimalism fetish.  Sadly this latter attitude has infected the animation industry, and has always been a staple of adult animation since The Simpsons published its contrarian Bible which I would be bold enough to argue singlehandedly ruined the look of adult western cartoons. 

         The aesthetic does have its limitations.  Sometimes the composition is jumbled and characters aren’t that well integrated into their environments.  During the meeting of the Overlords, for example, the animation is split on whether Zeezi is a literal giant who can hardly fit through a door or relatively tall as to be slightly awkward in a normal chair.

          The character designs are generally appealing, and almost everyone’s dressed in wonderfully snazzy clothes.  Angel Dust in particular is a good example of a design that works perfectly in 2D and emphasizes the advantages of that medium.  There are a few underwhelming examples, however.  I would be much happier if Carmilla was an actual anthropomorphic gun, and St. Peter’s (Darren Criss) lazy design makes him look like a youth pastor: the natural result of this Post-Christian world’s use of a hackneyed Post-Catholic trope of depicting a him as a doorman.  

           The voice acting is superb, although controversial.  Part of the deal with A24 involved booting the entire pilot cast, replacing them with Broadway actors who could double as singers.  It was a bum move, but the mimicry is impressive, and the despite some hiccups the cast delivers.  Blake Roman kills it in this particular scene.  There are a couple of questionable changes, on the other hand.  I don’t like Cherri’s new cockney accent, especially considering how perfect Krystal LaPorte’s voice was in the Pilot.  Katie Killjoy is distractingly played by Brandon Rogers in an awkward masculine voice which seems like a poor attempt to follow up a funnier moment from the Helluva Boss Pilot.  The cast also includes Sarah Stiles and James Monroe Inglehart.

          The show is arguably too foul-mouthed at times, but the humor works as its well-timed with plenty of people talking over each other, and the quips are believable coming from the characters.  

            Despite the troublesome nature of the show's setting and creators, it's a solid work with surprisingly good themes of redemption and compelling characters.  It even averts a troublesome trope with Emily.  It's understandable that Christians would be averse to it, and there are some good arguments for avoidance regardless of one's reaction, but I would argue that it's no worse than anything else made by the entertainment industry.  The climax is satisfying with a fourfold revelation (Heaven is not going to budge on the Extermination, Charlie finds out that Vaggie is a former Exorcist, Emily finds out that the Extermination is just that, and Adam announces his intent to target the Hotel first), and a Finale that makes one excited to see more.

HAZBIN SONGS RANKED 

Passion of Film's Past

The Robe

1953

D: Henry Koster

**********

 

 

         This forgotten classic is from a time when Hollywood consistently made Christian-themed movies as blockbusters.  Often these would be re-tellings of Biblical stories, and sometimes they would be creative spin-offs inspired by Biblical figures.  The latter displayed creativity in the context of a Christian society.  The Robe is also significant for being the first major movie released in CinemaScope.

          The story revolves around a Roman tribune named Marcellus Gallio (Richard Burton), who wins an auction against long-standing rival Caligula (a wonderfully scene-chewing Jay Robinson) and obtains Demetrius (Victor Mature) as a servant.  The tension is exacerbated by an encounter with Diana (Jean Simmons), Gallio’s childhood crush who is currently betrothed to Caligula.  Caligula responds to the loss by assigning Gallio to Jerusalem, a humiliating post. 

           While there, Demetrius is enamored by the arrival of Jesus (Cameron Mitchell) and attempts to warn him of a plot to kill him.  He momentarily encounters a depressed man (Michael Ansara) who is clearly meant to be Judas.  The man's identity is effectively conveyed with a well-framed shot in which the use of color draws the eye to a twisted tree outside a portal that Judas will inevitably hang himself from.  Unfortunately, the subtlety is needlessly ruined by Demetrius’ asking his name and Judas responding with “i’M jUDaS!” with a cheesy scare chord.  Good cinematography by Leon Shamroy gone to waste, right there. 

         Demetrius pleads for Jesus’ life when He is captured, but Pontius Pilate (Richard Boone) has already made his decision and orders Gallio to conduct the Crucifixion.  Gallio wins Jesus’ robe in the dice match, but it causes him physical pain to the touch.  Demetrius calls him out on his cowardice and abandons him, taking the robe.  Gallio returns to Italy, but is haunted by nightmares.  A medium tells him that he must destroy the robe to rid himself of them.

        Upon entering Cana, Gallio encounters a group of Christians strong in their faith despite their hardships.  He meets the charismatic Justus (Dean Jagger) and Peter (Michael Rennie).  In a very amusing scene, Justus tells a crowd an account of the Passion in which he claims that Peter never wavered in his courage.  Peter is tries to correct this, but backs down shyly when Justus tells him not to interrupt his speech.  Justus is then immediately put down by Roman archers. 

        Gallio confesses his guilt and becomes a Christian.  He is condemned by Caligula as a traitor for not worshipping the Emperor, and hijinks ensue involving imprisonments, daring escapes, and a clandestine healing of Demetrius by Peter. At his trial Diana defies Caligula and joins Gallio as they march together to their inevitable execution.  True love. 

        The Robe is a movie definitely worth watching, and a relic of when Cinema utilized its best and brightest for religion, and as such the writing reflects the insight on the inevitability of Christ and the fear it inspires in secular authorities. The acting is solid, and Jay Robinson is extremely entertaining as a fragile, megalomaniacal villain.  Richard Boone in his short, memorable scene captures the world-weary nature that is appropriate for Pilate.  Peter’s apprehensiveness in the Bible is faithfully depicted here as well.  The movie’s also revolving around a second-class relic is a plus.  The cast includes Torin Thatcher, Betta St. John, Jeff Morrow, Ernest Thesiger, Dawn Addams, Leon Askin, and a young Harry Shearer 

 

The Original Antifa

The Keep

1983

D: Michael Mann

**********

 

      Being a fan of Michael Mann, I was definitely intrigued by the idea of his making fantasy/horror epic, especially one taking place during World War II.  The Keep lives up to the stylistic expections, but it suffers from a studio butchery that removed much of the story.  It ranks pretty highly among movies with hidden director’s cuts that desperately needs to see the light.

      Based on the book by F. Paul Wilson, the movie takes place in a village in German occupied Romania as a Wehrmacht unit commanded by Captain Klaus Woermann (Jurgen Prochnow) adjusts to new management under an SS force led by the villainous Erich Kaempffer (Gabriel Byrne).  Like most normal Germans, Woermann and Co. are not too keen on entertaining these infamous busybodies, and, sure enough, Kaempffer makes a complete ass of himself by ordering the execution of a few local civilians to prove a point. 

      The local priest (Robert Prosky) convinces them to retrieve crippled Jewish historian Dr. Theodore Cuza (Ian McKellen) and his daughter Eva (Alberta Watson) from a concentration camp in order to translate the runes on a massive ancient structure by the village.  Soon after setting up camp inside the citadel, two German soldiers (John Vine and Jona Jones) inadvertently free an evil entity named Radu Molasar (Michael Carter), who begins to regenerate by slaughtering soldiers one by one.  At first, he seems like a stand-up guy, killing Nazis, saving Eva from rape, and curing Theodore of his disability, but he has ulterior motives.  His plan is to use Theodore to obtain a talisman so that he can escape the Keep and unleash unimaginable terror onto the world.

       This causes our hero Glaeken (Scott Glenn) to sense trouble and sail to the area to defeat Molasar using a magic scepter of strangely minimalist design.  Being the focused type, he wastes no time in having creepy, passionless sex with Eva (Keep in mind, this was the 20^th Century and people could not conceive of simply not having gratuitous sex scenes in movies.  Disney animated movies were excepted, but it’s likely there was discussion on that).  He then defeats Molasar with said scepter, but not before Kaempffer kills Klaus and Cuza rejects Molasar.

        It’s become a tiresome cliché to cite Blazing Saddles as a movie that could not be made today for ideological reasons, but The Keep is definitely a great candidate for such status.  While Molasar initially appears to be a righteous hunter of Nazis, he intentionally exploits this angle as a pretext for manipulating others into allowing his to begin his own reign of terror, and it’s pretty obvious how this can be applied to current political trends.  The Keep preemptively subverts and deconstructs the Reddit Carnage seen increasingly unserious movies about World War II consumed by people who would call you a Nazi for something as innocuous as your favorite car color.  Moreover, the movie draws a clear distinction between the Nazis and other contemporary Germans (Kaempffer and Klaus have debates on the subject), a decision that is poisonous to progressive revisionism.

        Of course, this not a completely fair comparison.  Antifa would never save a woman from getting raped.

        The movie is less theologically sound.  Fighting sorcery with sorcery can be fine in a fantasy, but The Keep unfortunately adds the context of Christianity’s being useless.  Despite being a good man, the priest is spiritually vulnerable to Molasar’s power and rendered temporarily insane simply by being in the same vicinity as the fiend.  This also cheapens the moment in which Kaempffer makes a last-ditch effort to ward off Molasar with a crucifix despite his malice and faithlessness. There might be a regrettable appeal here for the narcissistic sideshow that is right-wing paganism that is reinforced by the aforementioned loveless sex scene.  Then again, that may be confounded because it involves a Jewish person.

         The movie’s greatest problem is the studio-mandated cut from 3 hours to 1.5.  The Keep is an easy watch because of how short it is, but I was definitely ready for a slow burn.  What’s more is that the Glaeken, whom I assume most of the cut material is about, is described as a pensive hero who struggles with his destined role as such.  In other words, he is the exact type of protagonist that Michael Mann is good at depicting.  This problem comes to head in the third act in which he ends up at the bottom of a ravine while the clock is ticking, and the movie feels it necessary to take the time to show how much he struggles to climb back up.  Without the characterization to provide context for empathy, there is no aesthetic justification for this moment; it’s nothing more than just tedious faux-suspense.  It’s rather clueless to cut out all of a hero’s characterization and then include a climactic payoff that’s completely dependent upon it.  There might have been some actual romance between him and Eva to lead up the aforementioned creepy sex scene for all I know.  Klaus is the closest thing the movie has to a relatable protagonist, and Cuza is somewhat sympathetic despite his screw-ups.

         From a visual standpoint, the movie does not disappoint.  Mann’s usual atmosphere is facilitated by Alex Thomson’s cinematography and Tangerine Dreams’ score.  Molasar himself is a great character design as he develops from a skeletal horror to a stone-faced demon.  The red glow coming from his eyes is a nice touch, but it seems that the proportions on the suit put Michael Carter’s head in the neck area despite his height.  Unfortunately F. Paul Wilson apparently doesn’t know an awesome character design when he sees one and complained about, and from what I gather the faithful version resembles Snape from Harry Potter.  I haven’t read this book series, but Molasar’s design makes sense in the movie because it is a plot point that he gets mistaken for a golem.

          You’d think that if we could get director’s cut released of a Zack Snyder movie, surely we could have a successful campaign for someone like Michael Mann.  Then again perhaps that’s the opposite of how it works.  Maybe people with good taste cannot muster the hive-mind mobilization required for such an undertaking.  Either, way it doesn’t look as if will ever happen.  

          The movie also stars W. Morgan Sheppard, Wolf Kahler, and Bruce Payne.

 

 

QUOTES

 

MOLASAR: You have…death around you.

CUZA: Your hands!

MOLASAR: No.

CUZA: Then what you sense is my fate in a death camp.

MOLASAR: A place where people gather to die?

CUZA: A place where people are murdered.

MOLASAR: My people are murdered?  

CUZA: Yes!  And others, from all over Europe!

MOLASAR: Who does this?

CUZA: Their leader, in Berlin, and the soldiers in black.

MOLASAR: I will destroy them!  …I will…consume their lives.

       

         

      

Loona Rolls a 20

“Seeing Stars”

Helluva Boss

Episode 2:2

October 19, 2022

Below Average

 

 

         After a hiatus, I’m going to return to the fray and review Helluva Boss episodes.  It’s a bit overdue since the second season has crossed the line from standard carelessness to woke-induced nonsense.  With some exceptions the show is preoccupied with trying to convince us that Stolitz is actually good.  It doesn’t help that Viv is fishing for compliments from the craziest corners of her fanbase.  I’m not sure I’m ready to tackle “The Circus,” so for now I’ll settle for reviewing the second worst episode of the series.

           The episode begins with a flashback of Stolas’ promising Octavia that they’ll watch a special meteor shower at a predicted date.  In the present day, Octavia, excited that the day has finally come, attempts to remind Stolas, who is too busy arguing with Stella over the phone.  After Stolas absently brushes her off and implies he’ll be too busy arguing with Stella to do anything with her all weekend, which credits Octavia’s later question of “Why does he hate her more than he loves me?”  I also can’t help but notice that Stolas also physically abuses the family butler, which is has been cited as one piece of evidence for Stella’s being an irredeemable monster. 

            Frustrated, Octavia impulsively sneaks into IMP headquarters in order to obtain the Grimoire so she can see the shower herself, and her idea of “sneaking” is one of the few funny parts of the episode.  Just prior to this, Blitzo had finally confronted Loona on her rudeness toward the customers, and her anger with him probably explains why she just let Octavia break into the office and take the Grimoire.    

           This confrontation establishes the link between Loona and Octavia’s arcs, which would be paid off in the episode’s climax.  While Blitzo’s request is reasonable, one might understand Loona’s rage considering that he makes the mistakes of threatening to un-adopt her (Moxxie's approval of that is a rare dog-kick from him) and not talking it out in private (the M&M’s treat it as a spectator sport).  It also doesn’t help that Blitzo, due to his overprotectiveness, keeps her out of field work in favor of a customer service position she lacks the social skills for.  Erica Lindneck’s read of “I am a people person” does a good job implying that Loona desperately wants to be that, but is too traumatized by life experiences to pull if off.

           Octavia uses the Grimoire to vanish before IMP can stop her, and they end up doing the thing they should have done in “Truth Seekers:” call Stolas.  Heartwarmingly, Blitzo does not throw Loona under the bus despite the incident’s being her fault, and they decide use Stolas’ still poorly-articulated ability to come to earth without the Grimoire to find her.  Loona’s sense of smell from the residual portal informs her that they went to LA, which she explains in a decidedly force joke.  Octavia, not knowing where she was going, simply ordered the Grimoire to take her “to see the stars.”

 

...which could have gone a lot worse for her.

         After Stolas and the IMP arrive in LA, they split up.  Stolas and Blitzo are almost immediately abducted in a panel van by a sitcom procucer (Lyle Rath) who has mistaken the latter for their Brandon-Rogersesque guest star.  This would be a perfect opportunity for them to kill their unwitting captives and appropriate their transportation for the search but instead they go along with it for no reason.  It’s funny how Stolas only goes into full demon mode once in this episode as a lame throwaway joke, not only sullying one of the most epic moments in the show, but also betraying some bad priorities.  He can track down his boy-toy and murder humans for him, but not so much for his lost daughter.  Guess he does have a Gaydar. 

          Instead, he and Blitzo simply allow themselves to be driven to a set so that the latter can act out a scene in the sitcom.  In the middle of the shoot, Blitzo has a flashback of his adopting Loona from a hellhound pound run by an apathetic hellhound (Monica Franco).  In it he encounters her in a dingy prison cell crying and cringing after having defended herself from an apparently murderous cellmate and is informed that she will age out very soon.  He pities her more than the less photogenic hellpups (who disgust him) and he adopts her.  I like sad scenes as much as the next person, but I always pictured something less melodramatic, like Loona’s having accepted her fate for years until, this shady eecentric presumed to come out of nowhere and call her her father.  In the light of the new canon, I think it would make more sense for Loona to look more confused/frightened in this adoption photo than annoyed. 

            Then the show demonstrates one its recurrent flaws: disrupting good character moments for the sake of edginess.  The flashback triggers a murderous a spree in which Blitzo impulsively shoots random bystanders in the studio.  The only humorous moment is a fulfilled brick joke in which Stolas unwittingly burns someone with the local tap water, which was earlier the subject of a public warning poster.  It would have been more logical to have him vent his frustration on Stolas, accusing him of not caring enough for his own daughter.  This also would have had a more effectively funny effect as it would be in front of a whole bunch of contextless mortals.  

            This problem is repeated at the end of the episode during his reunion with Loona.  Overcome with emotion, he rushes over to embrace her, only for her to kick him brutally in the groin despite having more than enough time to recognize him and after having talked to Octavia about how she understands him.  This has been justified by stans as Loona’s not being ready to be touched due to her built-up anxieties, but that does not warrant violence.  Assuming that was not a calculated, vindictive punishment, it makes her look more like an uncontrollably violent animal than a person (see also: Loona’s impulsively attacking Moxxie because she’s disturbed by an hellquake in “CHERUB”).  It’s also at odds with her correct and comparatively measured use of violence in the pound.   

            They should have simply followed through on the emotional moment with a loving embrace between them, which would have uncomfortably emphasized to Octavia and Stolas how much better their father-daughter relationship is than their own.

           Leading up to this is Loona’s lone search for Octavia.  While the others screw around, she uses her detective skills basic common sense by tracking Via’s social media posts.  She eventually finds her at the LA Observatory and they have a heart-to-heart.  I’m all for heart-warming moments, but only when they’re well earned.  Loona basically trivialized Stolas’ home-wrecking by giving Octavia some “dad’s mess up, but they’re trying” platitude.  The scene definitely deserves a lot more attention as an ironic meme than Steven Universe's "She said she was sorry" moment.  What makes it even worse is that Loona is an accessory to and beneficiary of the sex/murder scheme that is responsible for Octavia’s problems, and the episode makes it clear that Octavia knows this.  Imagine how much more of an impact it would be if she called Loona out on it, triggering an epiphany in which the latter realized how much of a villain she is and it starts a redemption arc in earnest.  It seems that Octavia, because of this and her rash runaway, is being sympathetically strawmanned in order to help sell Stolitz: she only thinks it’s bad because she doesn’t know better.  I tend to think the popular theory that she’s asexual might also be a reason to explain away to lack of understanding. 

          The surrogate sister dynamic between Loona and Octavia is a relatively endearing symptom of Stolitz, but it ignores how much the two characters are foils for each other.  Loona grew up in squalor without love, and is now adjusting to being part of a family as a young adult.  In contrast, Octavia had a privileged upbringing in which she thought her parents loved each other, only to face her home life’s crumbling in front of her.  Reflective of how Stolas broke his family for sex with Blitzo, while Blitzo forces sex with Stolas to make a better life for his own.  

          Another annoying thing about this episode is that it clearly didn’t know what to do with the M&M’s.  What should have happened was that they go off on a comically wrong trail because Moxxie overthought it, or they simply should have been absent (perhaps they figured out how to get time alone without Blitzo’s finding out).  Instead, we get this dreadfully unfunny and out-of-character sequence in which Moxxie wastes time trying to buy a useless burned CD from a talentless street artist.  I think he’d be the last person to get such tunnel vision when there’s a lost child that needs to be found. 

         The episodes humor is pretty weak, and really peppered with the type of forced edginess that the show is often derided for.  There’s a child actress who does cocaine (Juliana Sada), and the show once again does the Family Guy death pose, which is the basically the new Wilhelm Scream, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.  At one point they make a second attempt at the stupidly-obvious password joke, only not as funny as the one in "Truth Seekers."  Even the usually funny background signs are disappointing despite the ample opportunity.  Still, the animation and timing help somewhat with some of the lines and visual jokes, especially during Blitzo’s intervention with Loona.  I also like how Stolas displays real owl mannerisms when exasperated.     

[Loona allows Octavia to sneak into IMP and she disappears with the Grimoire]

BLITZO: LOONA-

LOONA (OFFSCREEN): Oh yeah, you have a visitor.

 

BLITZO: Shit, shit, shit shit, what the fuck am I supposed to tell Stolas?!

MOXXIE: Well, he seems to like you, Sir.  Maybe he would understand if-

BLITZO: Ok, my dick is good, but it is not that good, Moxxie.

 

SIGN: PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING: New study finds LA water to be 2% sewer overflow and 98% literal acid. NO OBVIOUSLY DON’T DRINK THAT SHIT!!

 

[Stolas and Blitzo just got loaded into the van]

STOLAS: Blitzo, we don’t have time for this.  Via could be anywhere.  She could be in danger.

BLITZO: Don’t worry, I’m on it.  [smashes van windshield]  LOONY, GO FIND VIA, WE’LL CATCH UP SOON.  YEAH, WAY TO BE A TEAM PLAYER SWEETIE. 

[Blitzo is erroneously on a sitcom set]

ACTOR: Well, if it isn't our neighbor Ronny!  You feel that earthquake earlier?

[Blitzo freezes]

STOLAS: [whispering] Say something!

TELEPROMPTER: That was just my wife rolling out of bed.

BLITZO: Oh, yeah, yeah!  "That was just my wife rolling out of bed." 

[audience laughs and it goes to his head]

BLITZO: Yeah, yeah, and then that BITCH hit her head on the way down and shattered her skull! [Stolas giggles]  There's blood everywhere, peed her pants...

 

[Blitzo deletes “NOT TOPIC” from map search while looking for Octavia]

 

[Millie’s Sinstagram while contacting Blitzo at the end]

MILLIE: [under picture of ball-gag] Moxxie Be into this you think?? 

-read 2 weeks ago

BLITZO: B1TCH were u @?

MILLIE: Near the Alley!  Portal Plz :) <3

BLITZO: kk I gotchu

BLITZO: Mackin Stols do it now

What Finn Should Have Been

Soldier

1998

D: Paul W. S. Anderson

**********

 

 

       With the dominant trend of enforced mediocrity resulting in things like the Star Wars sequel trilogy, it’s become commonplace to reevaluate disreputable movies from the past.  Some might say that this is from nostalgia and the soft bigotry of low expectations, but it’s definitely valid to question a critical consensus that has proven itself unreliable.  Soldier is a movie I disliked when I first saw it years ago, partially due to its flawed director, but I found it much better after a recent viewing.

       I once found it moderately annoying that this movie was supposed to be a spin-off of Blade Runner, but now I believe it to be a creative addition to the franchise, even if it might not be “canon.”  In fact, I believe it does for more justice than Blade Runner 2049, which, enjoyable as it was, seemed bit too much like a rehash that sullied the excellent finale of the Blade Runner Director’s Cut.  While BR2049 boasts vastly superior cinematic technique, Soldier works as part of the universe while still being a distinct story.  It is slightly cheesy in comparison, but it has an old-school charm and many of the stylizations are quite nice, which is possibly because of help from cinematographer David Tattersall.  The action is decent, and nothing in it is annoyingly tacky in a way that detracts from the experience.  It does have the occasional moment of surprisingly unobtrusive CGI and some pretty good miniature effects.  It has good production design with some a few edgy designs for the vehicles, but it’s not completely perfect: I’ve never understood, for example, how 80’s/90’s sci-fi directors got the impression that the Franchi LF-57 looked “futuristic” when it actually looks like the 50’s submachine gun that it is.

        The movie’s introduction involves the automatic induction of orphaned infants into a special military training program in 1996.  They are desensitized to death and executed for failure to perform and comply in a brutal regimen akin to the one I assume Moe’s put its employees through to ensure that they reliably say “Welcome to Moe’s” when you enter the restaurant.  They come out of the training with no apparent emotion and are willing to execute any civilian if it is efficient.  The protagonist, a soldier named “Todd” 3465 (Kurt Russell) later admits that he still feels the fear that the indoctrination is based on; he grapples for any other emotion to counter it and the only thing he could come up with is “discipline.”

         The plot begins when Todd and his comrades are replaced by an improved batch of soldiers that are heavily implied to be replicants.  These newcomers prove to be physically superior to Todd’s batch in virtually every way, and, when defeated by one of the replicants named Caine (Jason Scott Lee), Todd is dumped onto junk planet Arcadia 234, where he is adopted by a small community of struggling exiles.  The movie does a good of showing his character grappling with newfound emotions that are being validated for the first time as he struggles to fit into the community.  He remains awkwardly stoic and borderline mute, but he develops loyalty for the people and is protective of a mute child (Jared & Tayler Thorne).  There is some skepticism from the group, but he is backed up by Mace (Sean Pertwee).  He is momentarily exiled due to a misunderstanding, but he returns to help when the director of the soldier programs, Col. Mekum (Jason Isaacs) selects the colony for a purge.  Todd uses his experience and cunning to believably fight the replicant soldiers, and acquires help from his old unit, who have been reduced to menial roles.  Eventually he succeeds in escaping the planet with the colonists and his comrades as the villains are left behind with an armed nuke.  It’s a fresh twist on the outside-rescues-village archetype.  

           The cast is strong.  Kurt Russell, always charismatic, shows further versatility by nailing the role of a stoic character who’s trying to grasp newfound emotions; his normally blank expression still betrays the suppressed terror that motivates him, and his body language is abrupt and efficient the few times he does move. Unlike Finn from The Force Awakens, he actually acts like someone who has been trained since early childhood to be a remorseless killing machine.  Jason Isaacs is memorably slimy as the villain, and Gary Busey, despite being part of a malicious soldier program, comes off as strangely grandfatherly in a corrupted way.  The solid cast includes Connie Nielsen (as Sandra), Jesse D. Goins, K.K. Dodds, and Michael Chiklis.

           The movie is well-executed, fun, and stylish.  In an example of one’s favorite thing’s not necessarily being the best thing, I find myself listing a Paul W.S. Anderson movie as my favorite from a year that gave us true classics like The Big Lebowski, Saving Private Ryan, Dark City, Mulan, and Prince of Egypt.  It goes to show that sometimes it’s good to rethink your priors. 

MEMORABLE QUOTES 

 

SANDRA: Sgt. Todd…what’s it like?  What’s it like being a soldier?  What do you think about?

TODD: …

SANDRA: You must think about something.

TODD: …

SANDRA: What about feelings, then?

TODD: …

SANDRA: You must feel something.

TODD: …

[Sandra begins to leave]

TODD: Fear.

SANDRA: Fear?

TODD: Fear and…discipline.

SANDRA: Now?

TODD: Always. 

 

[Todd is prepping for battle]

SANDRA: How do you know they’ll be back?

TODD: Because they’re soldiers, Sir.  Like me.

SANDRA:  Why are they doing this?

TODD: They’re obeying orders, Sir.  It’s their duty.

SANDRA: Do you know how many there will be?

TODD: Seventeen more, Sir.

SANDRA: Oh my G-d, you can’t fight seventeen more on your own, you have to organize us.  We’re not cowards, we’ll do as you tell us.  We’ll fight.

TODD: No.

SANDRA: Why not?

TODD: Soldiers deserve soldiers, Sir.

SANDRA: But one soldier against seventeen…What are you going to do?

TODD: [stops and looks at her] I’m going to kill them all, sir.