Saturday, March 10, 2012

Upcoming Movies - 2012

     Well, last year was a pretty lackluster year for movies, but 2012 looks like it will be an improvement.  There are a lot of anticipated films coming out beginning with The Avengers.  Now I know, it’s already March while I write this, but there hasn’t been much form me to see so far.  Maybe that’s why so many grown-ups want to get rid of summer vacation.  It’s not because they want kids to learn more by forcing them to spend more time in our broken, ineffective educational system, they’re just tired of waiting until May to see any fun movies.
    Now yes, I know there aren’t any highbrow movies on this list.  Most are sequels and adaptations (with the exception of Brave), but these are mostly movies I want to see in theaters when they come out.  I for one believe there’s no point in seeing small indie art films and comedies in theaters.  I don’t see how I’m supposed to enjoy the drama and characterization more with theater sound and a big screen.  I’m not going to enjoy a comedy more when countless strangers are drowning out the dialogue by laughing.  Theaters are for visual movies, smaller movies can wait until video.   



THE MOVIES I WANT TO SEE

The Avengers (May 4)
One part of me is against Marvel coming out with more and more superhero movies that it knows will make money, but this looks fun.  The chemistry between the heroes looks amusing, and the fact that Joss Whedon will be directing it is also encouraging.  Scarlett Johansson with handguns seems a little out of place in these Transformers-esque battle scenes.  They also fixed Captain America's costume.   It was fun and the banter was amusing, but the fight at the end was boring.  Loki was cool. (7/10)

Looks like a good movie about the Cristero War.  It's getting some press as a movie for all people who oppose oppression of religious liberty, whether it be killing people or forcing them to violate their religious beliefs through healthcare mandates.  Also features underrated actor Andy Garcia.
I was....meh. 
 (4/10)

Prometheus (June 8)
I know that they’ve beaten this franchise into the ground, but with Ridley Scott back at the helm, it looks worth it.  The scenery looks amazing.  Hey wait, are they going to make the Space Jockeys bad guys?  Talk about Jossing.
Great visuals and some scares, but the characters weren't too interesting and the whole plot was just one asspull after another.  Also, the Space Jockeys are apparently space furries...evil space furries.
 (4/10)

Brave (June 22)
Last year we needed a good Pixar movie, but instead we got a Cars sequel.  Though everyone’s been looking forward to seeing Pixar’s first movie with a female protagonist, it looks like they’re recycling the feminist-hero-breaking-out-of-gender-role formula.  Oh well, I’m sure it will be fun enough anyway.  It was ok, but I didn't love it.
(6/10)

GI Joe: Retaliation (June 29 Ok, they decided to move it up to next year so they can adapt their already finished movie to 3D.  I'm sure that will be worth the wait since we all know how well 3D conversions work.) 
Yeah, the last one sucked, but at least they look like they’re responding to criticisms with this movie.  At first, I was discouraged by its being directing by the guy who did the Justin Bieber movie, but the trailer looks ok.  We actually have COBRA.  Action looks OK.  Cobra Commander’s costume doesn’t suck, and neither does Snake Eye’s.  No stupid black power suits.  It’s starting to look like GI Joe.  Roadblock is played by the Rock…for…some reason.   It has Bruce Willis as…Bruce Willis.  No seriously, he plays some obscure comics character that no one gives a crap about, and the trailer treats his reveal like it’s something big.  I must admit, I also like the remix of the White Stripes song they play.

Yeah, it’s silly and greedy that they’re rebooting it, but the trailer does look good, and the visuals are certainly an improvement over the last series’.

Who hasn’t been looking forward to this movie?  My only complaint (besides the Chuck Jones inspired football field bombing with bad CGI) is the casting of Tom Hardy as Bane.  I’d rather see someone like Javier Bardem in the role.  I love Bane’s costume, but what, no venom?  Still, it looks very good.  It's a bit disappointing.  It's got some plot holes and it's not nearly as smart and fun as The Dark Knight.   
(5/10)

Total Recall (August 3)
The cool kids may be up in arms about a Total Recall remake, but it’s not like they’re ruining RoboCop.  Len Wiseman showed he can actually make a fun action movie with Die Hard 4.0, and with a competent screenwriter like Kurt Wimmer, I’m sure it will be fun.  Production stills look stylish.  With Bryan Cranston playing Vilos Cohaagen, this movie has me sold.  It sucks.  It has none of the subtlety and humor of the original.  The only good parts are a good Harry Gregson-Williams score, a good cast, and a scene where Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale totally whale on each other in an elevator.
(4/10)

Looper (September 28)
Nice to see an interesting-looking movie coming out during this usually slow month.  Let's face it, except for those of you who have a birthday during it, September sucks.

Cloud Atlas (October 26)
A very interesting movie from the Wachowskis, who I remain a big fan of.

Skyfall (November 9)
I love the serious, gritty tone of the Daniel Craig Bonds, but maybe they’re going overboard by having it directed by Sam Mendes, who is best known for making pretentious, left-wing pieces of Oscar-bait garbage like American Beauty and Revolutionary Road.  Oh well, I’m sure watching 007’s struggle with his latent homosexuality and the hypocrisy of bourgeoisie society will be enjoyable anyway, especially with Javier Bardem and Ralph Fiennes in it.

Lincoln (November 9)
We already had the life of one of the greatest presidents interpreted by one of the worst directors (see below).  It looks nice to have his story told by one of the best directors.

Rise of the Guardians (November 21)
This actually looks pretty fun.  Honestly, Dreamworks has come a long way.  Surprisingly, they're starting to look better than Pixar, which seems to be running out of ideas.

The Hobbit (December 14)
I was disappointed that Guillermo del Toro wasn’t going to helm it (I would have loved to see what he would do with the creature designs), but I’m not complaining about a new Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings movie.  Martin Freeman is a perfect choice to play Bilbo, but I had no idea that Dwarves could be so pretty.

Django Unchained (December 25)
Quentin Tarantino hasn't made a truly great movie in a while, his films are always fun and stylish.

A Fantastic Fear of Everything
I love Simon Pegg, and this movie looks funny and visually arresting. 



THE MAYBE LIST

The Hunter (???)
Hey, an non-pre-sold movie that actually looks good enough to see in the theaters!  Of course, they're not going to actually play it anywhere near me.

The Hunger Games (March 23)
Never read the book.  Don’t know a thing about it.  Might check it out in pre-Summer season boredom.  It's pretty good.
(7/10)

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (April 27)
I might see this with my dad if my schedule opens up enough.  It looks funny.

The Dictator (May 11)
I liked Borat, but seeing as how this is a comedy, it might wait until video.

Dark Shadows (May 11)
Honestly, I think Burton-Depp movies are getting a bit tiresome, but it might be worth it.

Samaritan (May 16)
Samuel L. Jackson being a badass.  Looks like it will have an engaging plot, too.

Bourne Legacy (August 3)
Not happy about Paul Greengrass not directing it, but I like Jeremy Renner more than Matt Damon.  Love the trailer music.

ParaNorman (August 17)
Looks like a decent stop-motion film

Dredd (September 21)
Never read the comic, but that movie sucked.  Maybe they’ll get it right this time.

Frankenweenie (October 5)
It’s nice to see Tim Burton going back to what made him enjoyable rather than just rehashing classics.  The ad campaign is touting that it’s from “The director of Alice in Wonderland” because Tim Burton surely hasn’t made better movies that thing.

World War Z (December 21)
I normally don’t like zombie movies, but WWZ really explores the sociopolitical impact of a zombie apocalypse, which does interest me.  I might have to read the book first, though. 



MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING WHATSOEVER

I’ve noticed that you can’t really judge a comedy’s funniness from its trailer, but this movie’s trailer made me feel like I was being waterboarded.  “EYE-phone?” GROAN.  I also don’t understand how a sexy nun in a swimsuit qualifies as anything other than blatant fanservice.  Besides, I’m more of a Marx Brothers fan, anyway.

Proof they will literally make a movie out of anything.  That's funny, I didn't know we still used battleships...or equipped RHIBs with miniguns for that matter.  Apparently a lot has changed since I left The Navy a year ago.

Yeah, I love the bands and music in this movie, but I don’t have much love for jukebox musicals.  If I want to listen to Bon Jovi, I’ll listen to Bon Jovi, not sit through some trite musical.

Yeah, I know the internet’s consensus is that I’m an idiot for not realizing that this is a “satire,” but I think that there’s more to that word than having characters brutally murder anyone who annoys the director.  The sad thing is that people nowadays literally think that tasteless, mean-spirited invective like this qualifies as intelligent commentary.  That seems to be a symptom of an internet culture where we no longer have to deal with each other directly and people can only see viewpoints that they dislike rather than people who think differently.

Hey, looks like Seth McFarlane’s making a live-action movie!  No half-assed animation to sit through, just half-assed humor and characterization!  Update: Oh yeah, looks like McFarlane's also using his annoying-ass Peter Griffin voice for his character.  How fun.

The first movie could have been a fun homage to over-the-top 80’s movies like Commando, but all it was was a bland modern action film that happened to have 80’s stars.  It looks like this one will inspire an unwelcome return of the Chuck Norris meme.  And they still haven’t cast Gary Busey in it either.

The franchise that just…wouldn’t …DIE.  Seriously, who actually watches this crap?

What made the original special was John Milius’ politics.  Without that, what’s the point?

I actually liked Horton Hears a Who, but this time...no thanks. 

I thought they learned their lesson.

Wrath of the Titans
As if the first movie wasn't boring enough.  Oh well, at least Sam Worthington's no longer the only person in Ancient Greece with a buzz cut. 

4:44 Last Day on Earth
Looks too depressing.  

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Apparently, we're now just making movies about random stuff The Internet finds amusing.  What's next?  Fluttershy teaming up with Teddy Roosevelt to fight zombies? (actually that does sound pretty cool)  Also, not much of a fan of Timur Bekmambetov. 

Branded
I'm not even sure Jeffrey Tambor could get me to sit through this piece of left-wing garbage.



No comments:

Post a Comment