Upcoming Movies - 2013

The truth is I’m starting to see movies as a critic does.  I’m analytical and I often feel obligated to see a movie just to have an opinion on it.  This unfortunately makes watching movies a chore.  The actual act of going to a theater to watch a movie is a pain in the ass (especially with my work schedule) so I have to choose which movies I want to go out and see.  I must admit I did a terrible job choosing, and it didn’t help that a lot of good-looking movies came out around October, and I didn’t have the time to see all of them (and yet I still sat through Total Recall, I’m not proud of that decision).  I have an insane amount of movies to to catch up on before I can make a favorite movies of 2012 list, but my theater-based watching from that year is complete, so I can post what movies look interesting for 2013.  I probably intend to avoid comedies since I'm tired of Hollywood types telling me how to live my life, and comedians are the worst about that.

MOVIES I WILL DEFINITELY SEE

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III (Feb. 8)
It looks funny, and I like the 70's aesthetic.

GI Joe: Retaliation (Mar. 29)

I grew up with GI Joe, so this is required viewing for me.  Although they seemed to adapt the DIC cartoon in the last one, this one looks like the fixed some things.  They fixed Cobra Commander and Snake Eye’s costumes, and there are no stupid black power suits, either.  I wanted to see this last year.  They had practically finished the movie, they had trailers, a Super Bowl spot and a release date, and THEN some punk thought, “Hey let’s make this a 3D, because we all know how well 3D transfers work.”  I should not be that upset about this.  It was passably entertaining but forgettable.  I actually slightly prefer Rise of Cobra, which seemed to embrace the cartoon roots more.  (5/10)

Wrong (Mar. 29)

This absurdist movie looks hilarious.  The presence of William Fichtner is a plus, and I also like the poster.

Trance (April 5)
Danny Boyle's usually a good thing.  Also, I need to forget his ridiculous Olympic ceremony.

Iron Man 3 (May 3)

This is the big one.  The trailer looks great.  The new directorial choice of Shane Black looks promising, as does the inclusion of Guy Pearce.  I don’t know why they didn’t cast an actual Chinese person to play the Mandarin, but Kingsley's voice sounds cool.  It was ok.  The first is still better. (7/10)

Man of Steel (June 14)

I like Superman as a character, and as I pointed out I don’t think he’s been handled well in film yet, which makes this a must-see.  Still I think Zack Snyder is an absolutely inept director; I hope Christopher Nolan will point him in the right direction, though.

The Lone Ranger (July 3)

Gore Verbinski is always a fun director, and Johnny Depp is finally showing some of his old versatility.

Pacific Rim (July 12)

Guillermo del Toro is an excellent director and the presence of Idris Elba and Ron Perlman is also encouraging.  Still, I’ve never found Mecha to be a remotely appealing idea

The World’s End (October 25)

The new Edgar Wright/Simon Pegg movie.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire (November 22)

Now I know I want to see it since I know Philip Seymour Hoffman is in it.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (December 13)

I actually found the first installment to be a massive disappointment.  The fact that this one has a dragon in it is the only reason I have any intention of seeing it.  We need more dragons in cinema.

HARD MAYBES

Oz the Great and Powerful (Mar. 8)

I think Sam Raimi may be on his way to being considered a fallen creator, and I might have to watch this movie to confirm this.  It might be Alice in Wonderland all over again.  It looks like a good idea for a prequel (How the Wizard became the Wizard), but some of the story elements look too much like a foregone conclusion (it’s about him finding out who the good witch is when we all know who they are).  One thing that encourages my seeing this in theaters is the 3:4 ratio they seem to be using for our world.  I already complained about how this was annoying and unnecessary in my Enchanted review, and it will probably be more tolerable in the theater than on a TV.  It was underwhelming (4/10)

Upside Down (Mar. 15)
Interesting story, and the visuals look beautiful, although it is typical I-Pod future look.  However, being able to go onto upside-down world just because you put weights on your legs?   I don't think it works like that.

Evil Dead (Apr. 5)

When I changed my mind and decided to watch it, I couldn't find an opportunity for weeks.  Now that I have, it was good and had effective gore. (7/10)

Oblivion (Apr. 12)

The premise looks intriguing, it has good visuals and it’s directed by the guy who did Tron: Legacy (I’m one of the few people on the internet who likes this movie).  My only problem is that Tom Cruise looks a bit wooden in it.

Star Trek into Darkness (May 17)

I though the last one was okay, but now Best Picture Nomination okay.  The trailer looks great and Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice sounds intimidating.  Now I know why he’s voicing a dragon in The Hobbit.  It was awesome. (10/10)

Epic (May 24)

Looks like a decent version of Fern Gully.  I like the villain's (Christoph Waltz) line: “I’m going to destroy the forest.  I’m only going to do it once so you’d better pay attention.”

Gatekeepers 
Israel is a fascinating subject, but I don't think I'll be able to see this documentary in theaters.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (October 4)

About time they made this. 

SOFT MAYBES

Gangster Squad (Jan 11)

I might go if someone asks me to.  Note how Sean Penn pretty much uses a lame version of the “Swear to me” line from Batman Begins.

Warm Bodies (Feb. 1)

Although I hate serious zombie movies, I don’t mind zomedies.

  

A Good Day to Die Hard (Feb. 14)

This series has probably overstayed its welcome, but some the action looks great.

Snitch (Feb. 22)

I like the Rock, and it looks like a solid movie.

The Wolverine (July 26)

I never asked for another X-Men movie, but with James Mangold at the helm, it’s sounds a bit interesting.

MOVIES I DON’T HAVE ANY INTENTION OF SEEING

John Dies at the End (Jan 18)

Although it doesn’t look bad, Cracked.com’s increasingly leftist tilt has made me reluctant to give David Wong money.

 

Escape from Planet Earth (Feb 14)

Yeah, generic hackish CGI cartoon with an all-star cast?  No.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (Mar 15)

I’m becoming less and less amused by mainstream comedies and, besides, I think Steve Carell is overrated.

Pain and Gain (Apr 26)

The Rock and Mark Wahlberg are likable actors, but I’ve learned that Michael Bay is always bad news.

The Purge (June 7)
You know, at first I found the premise a bit interesting.  Being the conservative wonk I am, I immediately associated the thought of legalizing murder under a certain circumstance so as to reduce the number of poor people who will potentially commit violent crime with a certain liberal belief.  However, the obnoxiously ironic use of patriotic imagery (which I find at least as trite as earnest jingoism) and the presence of Ethan Fucking Hawke suggested something more liberal.  Turns out, the movie was meant to be some kind of hit at the Tea Party and the NRA, because advocating fiscal responsibility and the right to bear arms is totally the same thing as legalizing murder for a night.  You gotta admit, the abortion connection is far less of a reach than what the movie thinks it's doing.  I at least feel vindicated that the movie is not getting much praise, and that even people who would be on board the contrived attempt at satire think it's not much more than a generic home invasion movie.      

Despicable Me 2 (July 3)

I’m one of the few people who didn’t like the first one.  Still, though teaser's pretty funny.

The Smurfs 2 (July 31)

I’m actually surprised this is only the second one.  I could’ve sworn they crapped out more of these already.

300: Rise of an Empire (August 2)

I thought the first movie was absolutely atrocious for reasons I’ll go into when I get around to doing a full review of it.  Obviously, I have no intention of seeing the sequel.

Kick-Ass 2 (August 16)
I wasn't a fan of the first movie, but the inclusion of anti-gun/anti-vac jackass Jim Carrey ensures that I will actively avoid the sequel.

Ron Burgundy: The Legend Continues (December 20)

I may be in the minority, but I hated Ron Burgundy.  I do not understand what people find funny in this movie.  The trailer for the sequel seems to sum up everything I hated about the first movie: the forced absurdist dialogue and the fact that, of all the idiots in the cast, the guy with the actual developmental disorder that’s not his fault is somehow the most worthy of my ridicule.