11 Awesome Quotes (From Awful Movies)

Bad movies happen, but sometimes they have some good lines that stand out and almost make you happy you sat through them.

11. Super Mario Bros. (1993)

This is widely regarded as one of the worst video game movies ever made.  It’s lack of faithfulness to the game’s cartoonish atmosphere, as well of the fact that many non-human characters are inexplicably human in it are often cited as reasons.  Still, the fact that Mario and Luigi are actually likable and well-cast makes it automatically better than most video game adaptations.  I also like how King Koopa (Dennis Hopper) highlights the ultimate paradox:

“Do you know what I love about mud?  It’s dirty and clean at the same time.”

10. Wanted (2008)

Although I found this to be a rather mediocre film that took a great action concept (curving the bullet) and wasted it with cheesy Matrix-wannabe-style slow motion, Morgan Freeman drops a perfect precision F-Bomb out of nowhere.

“…otherwise shoot this motherfucka, and let us take our fraternity of assassins to heights reserved only for gods of men.  You choose.”

It sounded better in the context of his monologue leading up to it, but for some reason, the whole quote isn’t included on IMDb’s quotes section.    

9. Street Fighter (1994)

This movie is an example of how bad video game movies were once at least enjoyably campy and self-aware before Paul W.S. Anderson ruined even that.  Raul Julia’s Bison is an example of how these movies had some cool elements.  Although cheesily enjoyable, he utters this line that’s so badass that TVTropes uses it as a title for a villain’s acts of evil being so regular that he doesn’t remember them the way his victims do. 

“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your lfe, but for me it was Tuesday.”

 It’s not quite as badass in the context of the whole scene, but I’ll poke fun at that in another post.

8. Underworld Evolution (2006)

This mediocre film series does have at least one moment of intentional comic relief.  When The villain Marcus (Tony Curran) wants to get information from exiled vampire Tanis this gem is uttered.

“Please, sit.  There’s no need for this to be unpleasant.  I’ve always rather enjoyed your company.  [Tanis nervously glances toward his armory]  Now you’re being rude.”

7. Wizards (1977)

[SPOILER ALERT] For the most part this Ralph Bakshi cartoon is disjointed, pretentious postmodern nonsense.  However it has a “Just Shoot Him” scene so awesome, it’s the only instance I can think of where an entire movie was redeemed by one scene.  It looks like Avatar (Bob Holt) is about to get into a generic wizard fight with his evil brother Blackwolf, and this happens: 
   “Let me tell ya, I ain’t practiced much magic for a long time.  I wanna show you a trick mother showed me when you weren’t around to use on special occasions like this.  Oh yeah, one more thing.  I’m glad you changed your last name, you son of a bitch!” [pulls out a Luger and shoots Darkwolf twice]

6. Batman & Robin (1997)

As awful as this movie is, it does have this great exchange between Bruce Wayne (George Clooney) and Pamela Isley (Uma Thurman).  While there are a couple good one-liners among the swarm of awful ones, this scene is a standout.  Very rarely does a movie show a radical environmentalist getting put in her place.  And yet, for some reason, this isn’t listed among the memorable quotes on IMDb.  Hippies.

PAMELA ISLEY – “I have here a proposal showing how Wayne Enterprises can immediately cease all actions that toxify our environment.  Forget the stars!  Look here at the Earth, our mother, our womb.  She deserves our loyalty and protection, and yet you spoil her lands, poison her oceans, blacken her skies!  You’re killing her!”

BRUCE WAYNE – “Well, your intentions are noble, but no diesel fuel for heat, no coolants to preserve food…millions of people would die of cold and hunger alone.”

PAMELA ISLEY – “Acceptable losses in the battle to save the planet.”

BRUCE WAYNE - “People come first, Dr. Isley.”

5. Resident Evil (2002)

This otherwise worthless movie does have one line that gets a chuckle from me.  I love how crazy Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) comes off in this scene, as well as the line’s delivery.

KAPLAN – What was all that shooting?

RAIN – We found a survivor.

KAPLAN – And you shot him?!

RAIN – [slowly] She was crazed.  She bit me.

4. Robin Hood (2010)

I actually looked onto Google thinking that they had to have lifted this line from somewhere else.  There is no way such a lame movie could have produced such a rousing line.

“Rise and rise again, until lambs become lions.”

3. 300 (2006)

I hate this movie, but this line gets a chuckle from me.  Leonidas (Gerard Butler) talking to one of his officers over the pile of Persian bodies they just massacred and considering a parlay with the Persians.

“Relax, old friend, if they assassinate me, all of Sparta goes to war.  Pray they’re that stupid.  Pray we’re that lucky. Besides, [bites an apple and talks with his mouth full] there’s no reason we can’t be civil is there, is there?”

2. Shoot’em Up (2007)

I absolutely despise this sexist, anti-gun abortion of a movie.  Most of the humor was terrible, but there were some few funny parts, like the “FUK U 2” scene, and Smith’s attempting to buy ammunition with food stamps (“It’s just as good as cash”).  The standout is when Smith (Clive Owen) sums up my feelings about guys who wear pony-tails.

SMITH – “You know what I hate?”

WOMAN – “No!”

SMITH – “I hate these forty-year-old jackholes wearing pony-tails.  That pony-tail does not make you look hip, young or cool.”

1. Miami Vice (2006)

This movie was absolutely tedious and unwatchable.  While it did have some great gunfights, most of it consisted of Colin Farrell and Jamie Fox each acting like a college student who wanted the other to go away so he could masturbate.  And yet Det. Gena Calabrese (Elizabeth Rodriguez) pulls this excellent scene that makes one wonder why the movie isn’t about her.

SKINHEAD – “Shoot me, she dies.  Shoot me, go ahead.  Fuck it, we can all go.  That’s cool.”

DET. CALABRESE- “That’s not what happens.  What will happen is…what will happen is I will put a round at 2,700 feet per second into the medulla at the base of your brain, and you will be dead from the neck down before your body knows it.  Your finger won’t even twitch.  Only you get dead.  So tell me, sport, do you believe that?”

SKINHEAD - “Hey, fu-”

BLAM!!!