Van Helsing
2004
D: Stephen Sommers
**********
Pros: Art Direction, Design
Cons: Story, Bland Characters, Action, Running Time,
Poorly-Researched Religion
I wasn’t
expecting much out of Van Helsing,
but it looked like it would be decent diversion while I watched it in
preparation for Wolf Week. The visual
style and the design looked good; I loved the color saturation used in it. I was expecting to be passably amused until I
pressed the select button on my Sixaxis controller and found out that the
running time was a completely uncalled for 2 hours and 10 minutes. A movie this unsubstantial should be over in
80-90 minutes, but I was apparently in for a long watch.
The movie
begins with a flashback in 1887, where Dr. Frankenstein (Samuel West) is
confronted by Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), who wants to use Frankenstein’s
monster (Shuler Hensley) for his evil plans.
Frankenstein refuses, and Dracula kills him. Coincidentally, the angry villagers come to
burn down Frankenstein’s castle, forcing the monster to flee with his creator’s
body to a windmill, which is burned down with him inside. The sequence is beautifully shot in black and
white, and I love the monster’s design.
Less impressive is Dracula, who not only is played by a painfully hammy
actor, but is also humiliated with a poor character design. Guys, a ponytail is never the answer. Never.
A year later,
we’re introduced to color and our hero. Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is in
Paris looking to apprehend Mr. Hyde (v. Robbie Coltrane), but instead has to
kill him with some silly stylized weaponry.
At one point we’re treated to a shot of Mr. Hyde’s ass as his trousers
slip down, so thanks for that, movie.
The action is terrible. It’s the
kind where CGI rag dolls are thrown around quickly in the sky while a virtual
camera follows them through nondescript digital debris. That’s most of what passes for action in this
movie. After this, Van Helsing travels
to the Vatican, where he is chided for his failure to bring in Mr. Hyde. He is led down to war room of the secret
organization he works for. People of all
faiths are shown working in cooperation in this scene, but this doesn’t go anywhere
since the movie’s dominant religion is poorly-researched Catholicism. Here he picks up quirky inventor friar Carl
(David Wenham) as a sidekick and receives his new mission: go to Transylvania
and protect the last of the Valerious family, a clan which swore to be doomed
to Purgatory until Dracula is killed.
This seems like a bit of a dick move for the family’s forefather to make
such a pledge to the Vatican, which I highly doubt can make that call anyway.
Unfortunately,
while the two remaining Valerious children Anna (Kate Beckinsale) and Velkan
(Will Kemp) are fighting a werewolf, Velkan is lost over a cliff and leaves
Anna the sole survivor. Say what you
will about the CGI used to bring it to life, that is a legit werewolf
design. This is a basic example of
werewolves should look like in my
book.
When Van Helsing arrives in town, he discusses the
clichéd nature of his amnesia with Carl in way I’m sure will not have
significance later. After meeting Anna, he
saves her from Dracula’s brides (Silvia Colloca, Alena Anaya, Josie Maran),
killing one of them. He tries to
convince her to lay low while he tries to kill Dracula. This is actually a
reasonable suggestion, considering that the souls of Anna’s family are
dependent on her life, but of course she refuses. However, it is revealed that Velkan still
lives as a werewolf under the control of Dracula. With the help of the treacherous Igor (Kevin
J. O’Connor), Dracula uses Velkan as a substitute for Dracula’s monster to
channel lightning in order to bring life to his undead children. These monsters are stillborn and stored in
nasty alien-like pouches in Frankenstein’s castle. I must say, judging by the sheer number of
egg sacs, Dracula had a LOT of sex
with his brides.
The experiment works temporarily, unleashing a swarm of
blood-sucking monsters to feed on the local villagers until the heroes thwart
Dracula’s efforts. Because Velkan was
insufficient for the experiment, the infant vampires die. Carl heroically saves a woman from being
killed by one, and he seems perfectly willing to sleep with the damsel. When she points out that he’s a monk, he
comes up with the excuse that he’s a friar, ignoring the fact that most friars
have a vow of celibacy and that’s moot since extramarital sex isn’t really
allowed in most Christian sects anyway.
When Van Helsing confronts Dracula he predictably gets a déjà vu moment,
and after the battle, he is walking with Anna when they fall through the
ground. The movie then cuts to another
scene where Carl finds a clue that suggests that Dracula needs to be killed by
a werewolf.
That would
have been a funny moment if it hadn’t been acknowledged later. However, they just fell into the wreckage of
the windmill, where the Frankenstein monster has been hiding for the last year. The monster doesn’t say much interesting, but
he may be the most sympathetic character in the movie. Knowing how dangerous his role in Dracula’s
plans is, he asks Van Helsing to kill him, but the latter has him put in a
carriage to Rome for protection.
Unfortunately, the carriage is attacked by Velkan and the two remaining
brides. The second bride is killed with
an adimittedly cool trick involving a decoy carriage filled with stakes and
explosives. Velkan is also killed after
he bites Van Helsing, and the third bride Aleera (Anaya) takes Anna captive.
Dracula tries
to make a deal with Van Helsing: come to Budapest and trade the monster for
Anna. Van Helsing tries to take Anna
without giving up the monster, but encounters an army of vampires with
Dracula. Though Anna is rescued and the
army of vampires is easily dispatched by one of Carl’s inventions, Dracula
succeeds in capturing the monster. In
other words, this subplot was totally pointless. They could have just had the monster get
captured in the carriage scene and saved audience a lot of time. Stuff like this, in addition to
time-consuming action sequences that aren’t even good, is the reason why this
movie has pacing issues.
After this,
Van Helsing, Ann and Carl look through some clues and discover that only a
werewolf can kill Dracula (which makes you wonder why Dracula kept Velkan
around). Van Helsing has to wait until
midnight strikes on the Full Moon and then kill Dracula before the final chime
of the bell. Just don’t ask why an
ancient magic is dependent on such a recent and artificial construct as the
chimes of a clockwork bell. They find a
magic door to the ice zone where Dracula’s castle is. When confronted, Dracula reveals the
ridiculous explanation for Van Helsing’s amnesia: he is actually the angel
Gabriel and he killed Dracula, leading the latter to make a deal with the
devil. He offers Van Helsing the chance
to get his memories back, but is refused.
Van Helsing turns into an awesome black werewolf and kills Dracula.
Igor, Aleera and the vampire brood are also killed, the
monster is saved, and there’s a lot of long, boring stuff that happens on a
bridge. Unfortunately, werewolf Van
Helsing kills Anna when she administers the lycanthropy antidote to him. Of course, we can’t have the hero remain a
werewolf; that would be too awesome. The
movie ends with the Frankenstein monster rowing to parts unknown while Van
Helsing and Carl cremate Anna’s body, even though the Catholic Church strongly
discouraged the practice at the time.
Van Helsing
is supposed to be a fun action interpretation of a classic horror story, but
it’s too tedious to work. The action
scenes aren’t very good, and the characters are bland. Van Helsing’s amnesia is a clichéd trope, and
not even the charismatic Hugh Jackman can save the role, even if he does wear
cool black clothes and turns into a werewolf.
Kat Beckinsale’s character is a generic action girl. Carl is a typical sidekick. Dracula is particularly underwhelming due to
his bad design and hamtastic performance.
He only really gets one good line, too.
The movie is also far longer than it has a right to be. As dull as the movie is, it is pretty nice to
look at when the camera isn’t too spastic.
I love the coloration and design, and even the end credits sequence
looks pretty good. I still don’t
recommend sitting through it.
ANNA: A silver stake?
A crucifix? What, do you think we
haven’t tried everything before? We’ve
shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him
through the heart and still he lives! Do
you understand? No one knows how to kill
Dracula!
VAN HELSING: Well, I could’ve used that information a
little earlier.
DRACULA: I can tell the character of a man by the sound
of his heartbeat. [claps to the rhythm of
a heartbeat] Usually when I approach
[claps faster] I can almost dance to
the beat. [claps slower] Strange that yours is so steady.
CARL: If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to never
stick your hand into a viscous material.
ALEERA: Anna, my love, it is your blood that shall keep
me beautiful. What do you think of that?
[Anna kills her]
ANNA: I think if you’re going to kill someone, kill them. Don’t stand around talking about it.
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