Saturday, January 28, 2017

From the Prince of Darkness to the King of Rock: John Carpenter Movies Ranked



One of the masters of horror.  Carpenter is a masterful visual director whose movies have a unique atmosphere and sense of suspense.  He also provides a great synthesized score for most of his films.  Unfortunately, his talent seemed to have waned greatly by the 90’s.




17. Escape from LA
1996
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A rehash of the first movie’s plot except with everything you liked about it turned to s---.  The great effects of the original are replaced by fake bluescreen stunts and CGI so bad it makes the plane crash from Air Force One look like Avatar.  Whatever tone the first one had is sacrificed for overdone camp; everything in this movie is a forced joke.  Even the more complex depiction of statism is replaced by a straw version of the Religious Right.


16. Starman
1984
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I think this movie is what embarrassed Karen Allen into obscurity.  Despite some nice scattered visuals, it’s essentially a pseudoromantic E.T. wannabe.  And like in most cloying movies about obnoxiously idealized aliens, the military wants to blow him up for no reason.  The only relatable character was the balding SETI guy.    


15. Village of the Damned
1995
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A lackluster remake with more cheesy moments than actual scares.  Oddly enough, my seeing commercials for this film as a kid was the first time I heard of Carpenter.


14. Vampires
1998
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It’s an earlier attempt at a modernized take on vampires and vampire hunting, but it’s a pretty lackluster work in general.


1988
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Basically an extreme-left propaganda piece with some nostaligic 50’s scifi trappings.  A particularly ugly movie for its earnest theme of otherizing ideological opponents in the same way we’re increasingly guilty of today.  Any complex commentary is eschewed in favor of extreme Manicheanism.  It’s pretty much everything wrong with The Matrix without any of the style or fun.  Still, there's something to the frustration of the working class man that it taps into.  


12. Prince of Darkness
1987
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The religious edition of the Apocalypse Trilogy is atmospheric, but what ruins it is the one scene in which it’s revealed that the Catholic Church pretty much lied about the basic premise of Christianity.  Having a cameo by Alice Cooper was pretty cool, though, and the movie includes one of his best songs.

 
11. Body Bags
w/Tobe Hooper
1993
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An anthology movie that starts out strong with the straightforward, effective “Gas Station” segment, follows up with the decent and humorous “Hair.”  What brings it down is “The Eye,” a dreadfully dull and silly segment starring Mark Hamill’s bad Southern accent and Twiggy’s even worse Southern accent.  The anthology features many cameos by people like Sam Raimi and Wes Craven.


10. Big Trouble in Little China
1986
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It has some good visuals, but it really didn’t do that much for me.  I really don’t think light-hearted camp is one of Carpenter’s strong suits.


9. Halloween
1978
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I’m not the biggest fan of slasher movies, but this one is very well-directed.  I don’t know enough about horror to know what this movie borrowed from, though.  It deserves more credit for highlighting its promising young director than for inspiring the slasher craze. 


8. Dark Star
1974
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A humorous space movie with some interesting ideas and impressive design for its low budget.  The sapient bombs are a pretty fun idea.


7. Christine
1983
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Good directing makes an overstyled 50’s car look scary.  The best part of the movie is Arnold Cunningham’s (Keith Gordon) descent into obsession, paranoia, and insanity.


6. The Fog 
1980
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A straightforward horror movie with great atmosphere.  Carpenter at his best as a visual director. 


5. Assault on Precinct 13
1976
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A grungy action movie with a low-budget charm that doesn’t pull any punches. 


4. Elvis
1979
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If you’re not a fan of horror movies, I suggest this well-made TV biopic about The King.  Kurt Russell is well cast in the role, which focuses on Elvis’ struggle to establish himself as a classic while dealing with his personal issues.  I just wish there were more Roman candle fights in it. 


1994
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Carpenter’s take on Lovecraft is probably his most underrated film.  A brief flash of brilliance during his 90’s slump.


2. Escape from New York
1981
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A unique and fun vision of the future of 20 years ago.  An action classic.


1. The Thing
1982
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My favorite horror movie.  A great combination of character-driven paranoia and gore.  Works very well because everyone, including the monster, act rationally.








BONUS ROUND!
Best John Carpenter Scores

3. The Thing (by Ennio Morricone, but pretty much in John Carpenter style.  One of the most undeserved Razzies)


 








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