Friday, September 15, 2017

Favorite Characters from Bad Movies, Pt. 3






10. ZORG
Gary Oldman, The Fifth Element (1997)
I don’t really dislike this movie, I’m just indifferent to it and I don’t get what the big deal is.  Its existence is justified by this scene.


 9. DAVID
Michael Fassbender, Prometheus (2012)
David was the only character in this movie whose actions made any kind of sense and whose motivations had some logic.  He’s the only one who actually comes off like a person; the other characters were more like dumb animals or some type of animated plant life.  Trying to prove himself to his “father,” he resorts to extreme measures to find out about the discovery the crew made, often at the expense of crew members who insist on denying his personhood to his face. 


 8. SCARLET OVERKILL
Sandra Bullock, Minions (2015)
A cool femme fatale with a lot of style and the only reason I even bothered watching the movie.  Heck, I think Minions is probably the best of this mediocre series just because of her.  She even comes in wolf form! 
HONORABLE MENTION: Her husband Herb Overkill (he took her name).


 7. DARK HELMET/BARF
Rick Moranis/John Candy, Spaceballs (1987)
I seem to be in the minority as someone who doesn’t find this movie funny.  It’s mostly bad puns and lazy topical pop cultural references.  I do like these characters, but it’s not because I really even like them as characters.  It’s just that Rick Moranis and John Candy are naturally funny actors even if don’t have anything funny given to work with.


 6. HANS LANDA
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds (2009)
I’m not a fan of this movie, as it’s a crude exercise in this fallacy.  Still Landa is a great villain, and Waltz is perfectly cast.  The movie's excellent opening scene cements his as one of the greats, and he showed a surprising brutality when he strangled Bridget.


 5. BATTY
Robin Williams, Ferngully: The Last Rainforest (1992)
I know, he does do a terrible 90’s psuedo-rap number, but he’s actually the most complex character in the movie and has pretty well-developed arc.  He has an understandable distrust of humans after having been experimented on by them, and it takes him a while to trust the protagonist.  Meanwhile we get some amusing snark as a result of this suspicion.  Heck, I like him better as a character than Genie, even though the latter sings much better songs.  I also love his design.
HONORABLE MENTION: Hexxus (Tim Curry) isn’t much of a character, but does sing an awesome song.  


 4. CRUELLA DE VIL
Glenn Close, 101 Dalmatians (1996)
Like The Jungle Book (1994) this movie had the brilliant idea adapting an anthropomorphic movie with all the anthros reinterpreted as regular, dumb animals.  So now most of the characters aren’t even characters any more.  The only redeeming feature of the movie was a well-cast Glenn Close as Cruella.  She’s snarky and she’s fashionalble.  Also, her Burtonesque office is one of the few moments of genuine style in the movie.


 3. DETECTIVE GINA CALABRESE
Elizabeth Rodriguez, Miami Vice (2006)
Aside from its great gunfights, this is a ridiculously tedious movie.  Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell have no chemistry and spend most of the movie acting like two college roommates who each just want the other to leave so he can masturbate.  In one scene, however, Det. Calabrese says the most badass line ever before blowing a skinhead to kingdom come.  Makes one wonder the movie wasn’t about her.


 2. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JOHN KELLER
Jon Voight, “Transformers” (2007)
Only likable and relatable character in this travesty about which I’ve gone into enough detail.  The scene in which he goes after a Decepticon with a shotgun is one of the few high points.


 1. THE THIN MAN
Crispin Glover, Charlies Angels: Full Throttle (2003)
Pretty bad movie in general, but this character just oozes style.  Glover’s interpretation of the character really made him the best mute henchman I’ve ever seen.  Also manages to make smoking look cool.  I’m sure he’s cool in the first movie, which I admittedly haven’t sat all the way through.



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