Sexiest (Human) Cartoon Women

I’ve already done my dirty furry list, now here’s the more “well-adjusted” version. 

24. STARFIRE

Hynden Walch, Teen Titans

Her alien mannerisms and relative naïvete about Earth customs are amusing, but she’s a strong fighter who is very supportive of her friends.

 22. SELINA KYLE/CATWOMAN

Adrienne Barbeau, Batman: The Animated Series

A classic.  A sultry cat burglar who can make Batman fall head over heels in love.

 21. RAVEN

Tara Strong, Teen Titans

Raven’s goth-like demeanor makes her the funny-serious member of the team, but her outward cynicism doesn’t stop her from fighting the good fight.

 20. ESMERALDA

Demi Moore, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

An exotic beauty with some really piercing green eyes (probably gets the award for sexiest eyes).  Though conventionally beautiful, it’s Esmerelda’s bravery and willingness to stand up to everyone for Quasimodo that makes her truly appealing.

 19. TIANA

Anika Noni Rose, The Princess and the Frog

Intelligent, mature and business-minded protagonist of a particularly beautifully-animated film. 

 18. PRINCESS FIONA

Cameron Diaz, Shrek

Fiona tries to play the role of the damsel in distress, but she can’t help but subvert the role in cool and funny ways.  Also has BBW appeal as an ogre.  Might be a little bit on the Uncanny Valley side, though.

 17. WONDER WOMAN

Susan Eisenberg/Keri Russell, Justice League/Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman (real name Diana) is a strong, tough fighter with a memorably dry demeanor.  She’s an Amazon, so her reactions to our patriarchal culture are interesting and sometimes amusing.

 16. FA MULAN

Ming-Na Wen, Mulan

In order to save her crippled father, Mulan joins the military at great risk to herself.  Through strength, perseverance, and some cleverness, she manages to single-handedly save China from a brutal warlord.

 15. NAOMI MISORA

Asaka Seto/Nicole Oliver, Death Note

This one actually kinda pisses me off.  Here we have a female character who (1) has a good backstory which gives her motivation to fight Kira (2) is described as a great detective (3) is a much-needed female protagonist in a show dominated by male characters and (4) has a great character design.  Instead, she is killed off as soon as the chance comes up.  This wouldn’t be so bad if Death Note had a solid female cast, but instead the fairer sex is primarily represented by Misa.  The only woman who fights the good fight and survives isn’t even really a character.  I don’t even think she has a line.

 

14. PEARL

Deedee Magno Hall, Steven Universe

Pearl is the intellectual of the group.  She makes up for her lack of brute strength in grace, skill and precision.  I’m not that far into the series, but she apparently displays some angst later on.

 13. MALEFICENT

Eleanor Audley, Sleeping Beauty

Possibly the best villainess in movie history.  She’s sinister, imposing, and witty, and she also turns into a dragon.

 12. GRANNY

Fune Foray/Stephanie Courtney, The Looney Tunes Show

Do you know why Looney Tunes Show is cool?  Well, one reason is that Granny was reimagined as a World War II spy.  And there are some people who don’t like this show.  However, I’d say the voice of young granny wasn’t well cast.

 11. POISON IVY

Diane Pershing, Batman: The Animated Series

In addition to a sexy villain, Dr. Pamela Isley is disturbingly crazy.  She literally values the lives of plants over those of people.  Just watch the terror she displays when Batman sets fire to some.  Even more unsettling was her idea of reforming and starting a family. 

 10. THE BARONESS

Morgan Lofting, G.I. Joe

Anastasia DeCobray is about a bad as a femme fatale as you’d want.  An accomplished spy and fighter, she also looks great in a black catsuit and glasses.  She also has a great relationship with Destro. 

 9. LADY EBOSHI

Yūko Tanaka/Minnie Driver, Princess Mononoke

A uniquely complex villainess.  Eboshi is an enemy of the forest spirits, but her compassion for vulnerable humans is undeniable.  She’s a strong character who doesn’t hesitate to fight for what she believes is right.

 8. ASAMI SATO

Seychelle Gabriel, The Legend of Korra

In addition to looking beautiful and dressing nicely, Asami fills the badass normal role in a show filled with Chi benders.  She also gets some admiration for fighting the good fight even after finding out her father was an Equalist.

 7. CYBERSIX

Cathy Weseluck, Cybersix

A superhuman experiment who fights against the machinations of her evil creator.  In an interesting twist, she poses as a male literature teacher named Adrian Seidelman. 

 6. SCARLET OVERKILL

Sandra Bulloch, Minions

While I haven’t seen this movie due to my lack of affection for the series and the title characters, I am intrigued by this villainess.  She’s a feminist icon in the world of villainy, and in one scene, we see her as a wolf.

 5. RALLY VINCENT

Michiko Neya/Amanda Winn Lee, Gunsmith Cats

A great design, and I like a girl who’s good with guns.

 4. CALENDAR GIRL

Sela Ward, The New Batman Adventures

Supermodel Paige Monroe was cast aside by the industry and took revenge on her former employers with the help of some Chippendalesque henchmen.  She wears a great costume (with different color schemes) with a mask, and she refuses to let people see her face.  It’s implied that she was disfigured by desperate plastic surgery abuse, but when we finally see her she’s beautiful.  She recoils in horror, prompting Batman to tell Robin, “She can no longer see that.  She only sees the flaws.”

 3. SHEGO

Nicole Sullivan, Kim Possible

Curvacious with a  great costume, but I mostly love her for her nonstop snark toward her buffoonish boss.

 2. GARNET

Estelle, Steven Universe

In addition to having some great curves, Garnet may be one of my favorite funny-serious characters.

 1. ELASTIGIRL

Holly Hunter, The Incredibles

A great superheroine who’s also a dedicated mother.  Helen Parr, née Thuax, is also clever and can pilot a plane, too boot.  Oh, yeah,  she also has a great booty, too.

Most Overrated Movie Characters

Hopefully, this won’t microagress too many people.

 HONORABLE MENTION: BOBA FETT

Jeremy Bulloch/v. Jason Wingreen, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980) and Return of the Jedi (1983)

Ok, so this is a relatively common choice.  Boba Fett is pretty cool in many ways, though.  He has a great costume and he was effectively built up in Empire Strikes Back.  This makes his appeal pretty understandable when you think of it.  It wasn’t until three years later when Return of the Jedi disposed of him in an undignified way.  He was arguably a good character who wasn't allowed to live up to his potential.

13. DARTH MAUL 
Ray Park, v. Peter Serafinowicz, Star Wars: Epiode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

It's not that I don't like Maul, he's a cool enough character.  It's that everybody seems to blow his potential out of proportion.  Everybody seems to think Darth Maul is the Boba Fett of the prequels.  In reality, I think he served his purpose well.  He showed up, looked and fought cool, killed a protagonist and motivated the other protagonist to finish him.  Unlike Fett he had a pretty good death, too.  Also, his death (along with Qui-Gon's) gave the movie an interesting anything-can-happen quality (not that that makes up for its flaws).  When people say that he should have lived and played a role in the following movies, it seems like they're saying, "I would have like it more if it was more predictable and formulaic."  Besides, I don't think he had much personality anyway.  There have been numerous absurd attempts to resurrect him, but thanks to The Clone Wars, that's now canon. 

 12. GROOT

Vin Diesel, Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

While I was occasionally charmed and amused by Groot, I thought he was way too overpraised by everyone who watched this movie.  He was like the movie’s equivalent to Chewbacca, and I liked Chewie better.  Rocket Raccoon was still awesome, though.

 11. SUPERMAN

Christopher Reeve, Superman (1978) and Superman II (1980)

Christopher Reeve’s performance as Superman/Clark Kent/Kal-El is excellent.  He does a great job capturing the character's multiple identities.  However, this character seemed vaguely smug and unlikable in the first movie.  It gets worse in Superman II, in which he actively toys with Lois’ suspicions and erases her memories upon her finding out his identity.  It’s also hard to relate to a hero who can turn back time any time something doesn’t go his way.  Depending on how you interpret the first movie’s time paradox, he may have selfishly erased his rescue of thousands of people to save Lois.  Despite Man of Steel’s crippling flaws, I actually found its depiction of Superman to be far more human and sympathetic.  And all those people who complained about how that Cavill-Superman “murdered” Zod seemed to forget Reeve-Superman’s cold-blooded and unnecessary execution of a powerless Zod in Superman II.   

 10. JABBA THE HUTT

Star Wars Trilogy (1977, 1980, 1983)

While iconic, Jabba the Hutt may very well be the dumbest movie villain ever conceived.  While his bottomless stupidity is obvious in Return of the Jedi, we already see indications of it in the previous movies.  In A New Hope we learn that he has put a hit out on one of his best smugglers for jettisoning contraband before an Imperial ship would catch him.  For some reason, this is enough for Jabba to hold a petty and irrational grudge against the man.  Now, a smart person would accept that such risks come with illicit trade and be happy that his minion acted quickly to avoid legal troubles that get him busted.  Instead he puts a bounty on his head, thus depriving himself of a good employee and the money he’ll need to pay whichever bounty hunter catches him.

     In Empire Strikes Back Jabba continues to waste his resources sending people after Solo, even after the latter has joined an insurgency group that has enough military-level technology to destroy his fat ass multiple times over.  Maybe he doesn’t want people to get the idea that joining the Alliance gets them off the hook, but I’d rather have Jabba on my tail than Darth Vader so that theory doesn’t work.  After all, he only got a hold of Han because Darth and Boba did all the work.  The whole thing makes you wonder if Jabba has the slightest clue how to run a criminal empire.  He’s so predictably petty and irrational that Luke takes advantage of this in his coincidence-dependent plan to free Han.  Despite his failure as a character in the movies, Jabba has some pretty awesome moments in Expanded Universe material and he was a great special effect.

 9. EDGAR

Vincent D’Onofrio, Men in Black (1997)

While the idea of an alien wearing a human’s skin isn’t bad, it wasn’t executed with enough subtlety to be genuinely creepy.  Instead it came off as goofy and more like an (unsuccessful) attempt at humor.  Eventually Edgar sheds the skin, revealing himself to be a giant, CGI cartoon bug.  Appearance aside, Edgar isn’t terribly interesting.  No charisma and no motivation outside simply being destructive and having an “inferiority complex.”

8. SNAKE PLISSKEN
Kurt Russell, Escape from New York (1981), Escape from LA (1996)

Escape from New York is a rare movie I like despite my not liking the protagonist.  Snake is cynical and nihilistic, but these characters are only fun when they're witty, which Snake is not.  He only cares for himself and whomever he forms a primitive bond with at the moment.  He clearly doesn't care for humanity in general, and he demonstrates that at the end of both movies (especially the second one, in which he condemns countless innocents to death by activating an EMP that destroys all technology on the planet).  I find Hauk (Lee Van Cleef), a well-meaning man who has to force Snake to fight the good fight, a more compelling character. 

 7. CAPTAIN HENRY RHODES

Joseph Pilato, Day of the Dead (1985)

Often cited by horror fans to be one of the most effectively vile villains in the genre, Rhodes comes off as too unbelievable to be taken seriously.  George A. Romero hinted noncommittally at a potentially sympathetic motivation (impatience with the researchers and concern for the well-being of his men), but mostly wrote Rhodes and his men as racist straw-military caricatures.  It’s why I didn’t find his famous death scene as satisfying as many people did.  While Romero was a pioneer in his subgenre, he wasn’t nearly as good at commentary as he and his fans apparently believe. 

 6. THE MINIONS

Pierre Coffin/Chris Renaud/Jermaine Clement, Despicable Me Series (2010, 2013, 2015)

While not outright annoying per se, they’ve become so through endless hype.  Their popularity has helped fuel sequels and a spinoff to a movie I didn’t think was that great in the first place.  They’re not nearly funny or cute enough to carry a movie.  I only remember laughing at them once. 

 5. THE SPARTANS

Gerard Butler et. al., 300 (2006)

I have to say that 300 is one of the most morally inverted movies I have ever seen.  The movie wastes no time showing the Spartans murdering their babies for “weakness” and abusing their children in order to turn them into remorseless killing machines.  In the first five minutes, the movie gives us all the reason we need to root for the Persians.  They were oddly homophobic while being homoerotic as hell, to boot.  The entire appeal is that of a misguided worship of strength for its own sake, rather than strength for the sake of defending what’s right.  The movie and its “heroes” proved popular due to some oddly insecure sense of masculinity (as well as a real life war at the time).  I find our romanticization of the Spartans to be odd considering brutal and tyrannical they were.  I wonder if 2,000 years from now people will be naming sports teams after the Nazis.   

4. JACK WILSON

Jack Palance, Shane (1953)

Jack Wilson is Boba Fett for old people.  Except Wilson’s disappointment can’t be blamed on another movie’s dropping the ball.  I’ve heard numerous times about how great a villain he is, only to be disappointed when I watched the movie.  Like Fett, he’s built up effectively and has an air of mystery.  Palance plays the role well, and Wilson also has a rather memorable Kick-the-Dog scene.  The movie hypes the eventual face-off between him and Shane, and in the end all that happens is that our hero walks into the building full of bad guys and kills them all effortlessly.  Wilson just happens to be one of the bad guys' getting shot

 3. BRICK TAMLAND

Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

I have to admit that sometimes I have laughed at mentally impaired characters, although I do expect the jokes about them to be funny, but this doesn’t apply to Brick Tamland.  His scenes are offensive without even the benefit of a guilty laugh.  Saying “Party in my pants” is funnier than saying “pants party” in the same way that saying “people of color” is less racist than saying “colored people.”   

2. RON BURGUNDY

Will Ferrell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

In case the previous entry didn’t make it clear enough, I think Anchorman is an overrated movie.  Rob Burgundy himself is also unappealing to me since the forced jokes often come from him.  What really baffles me is when people think he’s somehow likable on top of being funny.  Honestly, Burgundy doesn’t even come off like a character, let alone a sympathetic one.  If he is a human being, he’s a shallow, stupid and misogynistic one.    

 

 1. THE JESUS

John Turturro, The Big Lebowski (1998)

The Big Lebowski is probably one of my favorite comedies, but I never understood the fascination with this character.  His defining trait is that he molests children, and that’s funny because…?  The only funny part about Jesus Quintana is how funny characters like Walter and The Dude react to him.  If anyone should be the ensemble darkhorse of this movie it should be Brandt (Philip Seymour Hoffman).  There are other better candidates such as The Dude’s landlord and even The Jesus’ bowling partner, Liam.  Hell, I even think the ponified version of The Jesus from MLP:FIM is funnier just for having a hairnet on his tail.  The role always seemed like an excuse for the Coens to insert Turturro into the movie, but apparently the character does seem to fit with the popular theory that The Big Lebowski is about insecure masculinity. 

Hyperkin RetroN 3

Hyperkin RetroN 3

2009

Pros: It Works (mostly)

Cons: Imperfect NES Playback, Limited Peripheral Compatibility, Useless Proprietary Controllers, Inefficient Use of Space, Fit and Finish

     When I attended GMX 2012, I came across this device, and it intrigued me.  The ability to play NES, SNES, and Genesis games on one well-priced system was appealing to me.  This console seemed to have what I was looking for in a retro system while not being as expensive as the complex and shady RetroN 5.  Because the technologies on these consoles have expired patents, famiclones such as this are now perfectly legal.  I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to revisit some of the nostalgic Genesis games my family owns. 

     The RetroN 3 comes in rather neat looking-box with a corner cut out, and it was surprisingly compact in size.  The fit and finish, however, could use some work.  The quality of the plastic feels cheap compared to that of the mainstream consoles, and the cartridge ports seem to have an unusually tight grip on the cartridges that makes it slightly less convenient to insert them.  It almost feels like you’ll leave some contacts in the console when you take them out.  The Power/Reset buttons and selector knob feel good, though.  The styling of the console is disappointingly bland.  The RetroN 1, RetroN 2 and RetroN 5 are all available in great color schemes that are reminiscent of those of the NES, Famicom, and SNES.  The RetroN 3 only* comes in a dark gray or candy red.  If Hyperkin was trying to recreate the sleek, black styling of the Sega Genesis, it didn’t do a very good job.  The console does have a bit of a utilitarian charm (which the RetroN 1 does better), but this is discredited by its inefficient layout.     

The box looks better than the console.

     While the console is small, it doesn’t use space well.  People complain about how the XBOX One looks like a VCR, but that’s an efficient layout for its large size.  All the ports are in the front and you could put something on top of it in a pinch.  I was once able to lie my Wii flat next to my N64 on the bottom of my entertainment center (a nice wooden dresser I bought at a thrift store for $20), but I had to turn it on its side and mount it next to the PS3 to make room for the RetroN.   The PS3 and Wii share the space well, but the 64 and RetroN don’t.  One thing you’ll notice about the RetroN 3 is that each corner has a round little pedestal for a friction pad.  These protrude needlessly from the sides of the console as do two of the controller ports.  Without these, I would be able to fit the damn thing between my N64 and the inside wall in my entertainment center. 

Hyperkin’s decision to put controller ports for each system on each side of the console was dreadful; they should all be on the front.  This means that the R3 requires free space on all sides except for the bottom.  Not only do the ports themselves take up space, the controllers use up even more precious volume when they run out the sides.  This also reduces the effective length of the controller cords (The console does come with wireless controllers, but you’ll still need to use the original controllers.  I’ll get to that eventually).  This is particularly annoying with my Genesis controller, which has a shorter cord than the NES’ and has become permanently coiled from years of storage.  In order to play Genesis games comfortably, I have to push my couch forward or pull the console out of the cabinet (it has to lie diagonally because the video cables aren’t long enough).

This is particularly frustrating because in 2009, and people should know better than to design a console with such a poor layout.  Just because the system replaces three consoles doesn’t mean it should take up as much space as three consoles.

 

Not that you're completely off the hook, fatty.

Aside from its terrible use of space, the R3’s design also has a few more ergonomic problems.  Thanks to the NES/Genesis controller ports’ being on the sides, you have to lift the console and turn it around to see where you plug the controller in (and, yes, those are the two functions I intend to use the most on this console).  Being unable to mount the console flat makes it a bit awkward to insert and remove cartridges.  The cartridge ports are ordered from the NES in the back to the Genesis to the SNES.  I think it would make more sense to put the SNES in the middle since those cartridges are larger than the Genesis carts.  That would also put the two Nintendo ports next to each other.  The R3 has a knob in front of the cartridge ports that switches its function.  It would be better if the labels for this knob where on the front instead of behind it, but that’s a minor gripe.  I would also prefer the indicator lights on the front of the console instead of next to each cartridge port.      

      As for plugging the system in, I found out that I had run out of plugs in my surge protector so I had to buy a basic extension cord to run through the passageway to my bedroom along with my broadband cable.  It was surprisingly unobtrusive since there’s no door there. 

Unfortunately, the plug comes with an AC adapter at the end of the cord.  This limits where you can plug the console in.  The game comes with composite video plugs and an S-Video plug.  At first I could just use the S-Video and not have a third set of composites competing for one TV input, but apparently you need to plug in both or else the games will either not work or work incompletely.

      Well, enough about setting the console up.  The truly important question is, “Does it work?”  Well, after some brief testing, I’d say yes.  All of my Genesis games work, and the one SNES game I bought (Star Fox) works.  The instructions clearly state that one should not insert the SNES cartridge backwards.  This is common sense, and the singling out of one port suggests that something horrible will happen if I disobey.  The processing speed doesn’t seem at all wrong when playing the Genesis games, except for one lag when I faced multiple enemies in Asterix and the Great Rescue.  Every NES game I’ve tried works, but the graphics seem slightly glitched. 

 It’s slightly annoying when playing Mario 3 and it makes me wish SuperMario All-Stars didn’t “improve” its graphics and sound effects.  The color, though, is attractively bright and vibrant.  For all the flaws, it’s still an improvement over the dark days of coaxial.  There may be some issues with the sound mixing.  Sonic 2 in particular has sound effects that are annoyingly louder than everything else, and I’m not sure if that’s just the game.  I really don’t know whether or not Famicom or Mega Drive games work on this (I don’t really care to be honest), and the info I’ve found online is scattered and varied.  There are a few games like Virtua Racer and Castlevania III which I’ve heard don’t work on this console, and I’m not sure if there’s an updated version of it that will play them.  I’ve heard that some peripherals don’t work.   For example, I’ve heard that the NES Zapper does, but (sadly) the Four Score does not.  Unless you are looking for these games and peripherals, the R3 seems to be a good substitute for all the consoles. I’ve noticed that sometimes I had to double-check to see if the controller was plugged in firmly enough before I started playing, but nothing serious.

 

The RetroN 3's useless proprietary controller.

        The RetroN 3 comes with two wireless proprietary controllers.  They are clearly based off the fine six-button Genesis controller, albeit with cheaper plastic.  They look clean, but they are complete garbage.  One thing you’ll notice when you put the AA batteries in your controller (besides the redundant use of a screw in addition to a latch for the battery panel) is a legend that helpfully educates you its unhelpful button layout.  The NES button layout makes enough sense.  The B and A are thoughtfully switched as they are on the original with appropriate positions for turbo buttons, which makes it so surprising that the SNES and Genesis layouts make no sense.  Because the R3 controller is based on the Genesis Controller, it has no index finger buttons, so the extra to buttons on the right take their place.  Fair enough, but the L and R positions are backwards!  Even worse, they switched the Genesis button layout even though the controller is modeled on a Genesis controller.

 Maybe Hyperkin wanted to encourage people to use the original controllers for an authentic experience so they purposefully half-assed these things.  The worst the part of these devices is not the layout, however.  The RetroN 3 controller’s wireless system uses infrared signals.  Like a TV remote.  This means you have to keep the controller pointed directly at the receiver in the front of the console.  Any slight deviation results in a loss of control.  And even when it works there’s a noticeable lag.  This makes these controllers thoroughly useless for their intended purpose.  This wouldn’t be quite as annoying if it weren’t for the console layout I complained about earlier.  Anyone considering buying this console had better invest in the original controllers.  I have, however, found that the RetroN 3’s controllers are useful as target practice for my .357.

Okay, I actually used .38 Special rounds.

The first hit was a bullseye.  Right through the D-Pad, which either flew off to parts unknown or shattered into a million pieces.

The exit wound.

Overall, the RetroN 3 is cheap and functional, but it takes up space and has its limits.  If I hadn’t already bought this console, I would have probably gotten something better.  But I already have it, and it works.  That’s what’s important.

Also, I can still close the cabinet neatly when it's not in use.

* Apparently, now there's a blue one that looks pretty good.