Sunday, May 4, 2025

25th Anniversaries


Gladiator
2000
D: Ridley Scott
**********
 
       For years I’ve counted Gladiator as my favorite movie of 2000, one of the few since the 70’s to have deservedly won a Best Picture Oscar and a catalyst for a brief trend of swords-and-sandals action movies. Nowadays I feel compelled to re-evaluate that in the light of current politics and my own changing viewpoints. We’ll see if this film passes the test.
       While I traditionally do these anniversary reviews on the initial release date, I sadly did not feel like doing a review after last weekend’s rewatch until I was already into the work week. A curse of having a mindless blue-collar job is that my mind can wander all day, but I don’t have the opportunity or energy to put ideas down on paper until the weekend. But before I begin the synopsis and review in earnest, I am compelled by the laws of the Internet to acknowledge the following osmotic behind-the-scenes anecdotes.
  • The movie’s visuals were primarily inspired by some painting, though apparently not that much.   
  • Joaquin Phoenix decided to purposefully gain weight during shooting for method-acting reasons, and Ridley Scott had to tell him to stop because even Ridley Scott has his limits.
  • Russell Crowe initially refused to say an awesome line because it was the type that midwits pretend isn’t metal to make themselves feel better, causing Ridley Scott to put his foot down. Crowe, in an attempt to reconcile not provoking Scott’s legendary diva rage with his own ego, rationalized that maybe he could make it work because he’s “the best actor ever” and phoned in the read.
  • They briefly considered a scene in which Maximus had to endorse products as ancient Roman gladiators actually did, but it was decided to be too comical for the movie’s tone. This reviewer, however, believes that Maximus’ being made to do stupid things while he has serious matters to worry about could have been played dramatically. Besides, it would not have been too out of place movie had its share of comic relief akin David Hemmings’ telling Oliver Reed to  “crawl back down that shithole you came from" before donning a goofy, golden wig.
       The story begins in 180AD Germany, where Roman General Maximus (Russell Crowe) finishes off the final conquest of the Barbarians with the help of his commander Quintus (Tomas Arana). After the battle Emperor Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris) tells Maximus that he intends to name him his successor with the intent to make Rome a republic again and then tells his son Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix), which turns out to be a mistake. Now Emperor, Commodus orders Maximus executed as he prepares to rule Rome irresponsibly (read: he re-opens the gladiatorial matches in the Colosseum to pander to the masses), much to the annoyance of populist senators Gracchus (Oliver Reed) and Gaius (John Shrapnel). He maintains power by intimidating his sister Lucilla (Connie Nielsen) with veiled threats toward her son Lucius (Spencer Treat Clark).
        Maximus is able to escape his murder with a clever trick: he requests a “soldier’s death,” thus prompting his executioner to subvert all expectations of what that is by stabbing him in the back. Maximus then phases through a blade pointed directly at him and reverse-headbutts his assailant from a kneeling position (this trick does not work for Commodus). I don’t want to imply that TLJ is a better movie by any means, but that disappearing knife was not a plot-critical moment. Maximus then high-tails it back to his farm, but not in time to save the lives of Ridley Scott's his wife (Gianinna Facio) and son (Giorgio Cantarini).
         Our hero is found by slavers while sleeping in the open on his farm and is brought to Zuccabar, where he is bought by gladiator pimp Proximo (Oliver Reed) and befriends fellow slaves Juba (Djimon Honsou) and Hagen (Ralf Moller). He excels at the fights despite his cynicism toward the bloodsport. Proximo advises him to win the crowd in addition to fighting and reveals that he was once a gladiator himself.
         Thanks to Commodus’ liberalization of bloodsport, Proximo is now able to take Maximus & Co. to Rome where Maximus’ success is so great he reveals himself to Commodus during a public audience. Frustrated, Commodus vies to tie up this loose end (including a failed attempt to off him by bringing a retired celebrity gladiator (Sven-Ole Thorsen) to kill him in the arena), but Maximus’ increased popularity with the mob is an obstacle to this.
           Meanwhile Maximus makes contact with his former army confidant Cicero (Tommy Flanagan), who assures him that he can bring his still-loyal army to take Rome. Through secret meetings with Lucilla and Gracchus, Maximus arranges an escape so that he can rendezvous with his troops. Commodus finds out about the conspiracy by giving Lucilla an ultimatum concerning Lucius’ life. Maximus’ plan crumbles as he is caught during the escape. During this catastrophic fallout, Gracchus is imprisoned, Cicero and Proximo (who decides to redeem himself by helping) are murdered, and Gaius is pranked by having someone slip a clearly non-venomous snake into his bed.
          Just as in another David Hemmings movie, the hero is thoroughly out-gambited but overcomes through brute force like the cornered animal he is. Commodus tries to defeat Maximus in the arena after mortally wounding him, but Maximus overpowers him and kills him. Before he succumbs to blood loss, he orders Quintus (who had betrayed Commodus at the last second) to free Gracchus and restore the Republic. He then meets his family in Elysium.
         The cast is very good. Russell Crow gives an effective, understated performance as Maximus, but Joaquin Phoenix is the real star of the movie. Oliver Reed, having won the memorial movie lottery with this film, is also very charismatic as Proximo. He usually comes off as cynical, but his nostalgia when describing the glory of battle foreshadows his revelation that he is a former gladiator and suggests a sense of comradery than influences his redemption. Richard Harris is well-cast as the wise-but-exhausted Marcus Aurelius. Other cast members include David Schofield and Omid Djalili.
        Lucilla is informed to be the Machiavellian type, which causes some disillusionment from former childhood friend Maximus), but she has little opportunity to display that angle for fear of Lucius’ life. Her apparent attempt to poison Commodus (which Commodus apparently fakes drinking, which she apparently falls for, which apparently doesn’t come to much) and her meetings with Maximus come off more like relatable desperation than cunning. Then again, she might at least attempt to send Lucius elsewhere.
        There are many reasons to reevaluate movies, and one of them is consensus-era politics, which have proven to be wrong on many things. Gladiator would be a prime suspect, considering its arguably confused attitude toward liberalism, particularly the “idea of Rome” as a fallacious abstract, ignoring that Caesar came to power for a reason. The movie also presents Maximus and Commodus as opposing versions of the Greater Man. Despite the suggestions that the corruption in the government is the source of its problems, the solution is stated to be giving power to the Senate by giving power to one man who can be trusted to make the transition happen. I suppose one could interpret the source of the rot as a mass of unelected bureaucrats, which is reflective of reality. It also helps that the movie espouses that a single dictator popular with the mob is not a good solution. The movie is very much a product of its time: especially in the depiction of Rome’s spreading civilized values through war.
        Then again, Marcus Aurelius does express misgivings over this.
        Then again, nation-building worked better for them then it did for us.
        Then again, this movie did come out before 9/11.
        Then again, Ridley Scott's own regret over this did not exactly yield good fruits.
        There are also parts where Commodus seems compelling. In his confrontation with his father, he admits that though he has little physical courage while arguing that there are other forms of it. Then again, most of his assertions are mere lip service, and the movie saves itself with a scene that proves that Gracchus is clearly more interested in addressing actual problems. One would just not have to think too much about what the pagan solution to a plague would be. One possibility is to blame a certain group of people that the real-life Commodus was known for being nicer to than his father was.
         That being said, Gladiator does a good job letting the audience enjoy it on its own terms by simply not mentioning inconvenient history (contrast this with 300’s gleefully reminding us that the Spartans were baby-killers). This might be the reason why an unnecessary scene involving Christians’ being fed to lions was wisely removed so as not to call too much attention to the movie's historical liberties. Unfortunately, this did not stop one character from saying that Rome was founded as republic.
         The movie is a bit confused on the matter of politics, which reflects consensus-era attitudes, but it unintentionally touches upon some truths and allows for interpretation. It’s at worst forgivable in its naivete. Fortunately my inner sorn's ambivalence is outweighed by my inner hross' enthusiasm.
          One of the things that makes this movie great nonetheless is its sheer spectacle: Gladiator is Ridley Scott’s direction at its best. Knowing Scott’s micromanagement of visuals, it’s hard to give that much credit to cinematographer John Mathieson. The movie looks gritty during the dark battle scenes and is effectively atmospheric without being too monochromatic. Set and prop design are impressive. The action is effective despite some cheated stunt editing (particularly the aforementioned hit detection problems). One of the main reasons I was unimpressed by Troy (though I might have to revisit it) is how visually bland it was in comparison. I don't dislike Hans Zimmer’s current ambient style as everybody else seems to, but Gladiator’s score is a top-notch example of melodic soundtracks, and one of the movies more absurd Oscar snubs.
         In retrospect, movie deserves its popularity with good character, acting, visuals, and memorable dialogue. Some of the lines are subtly witty, such as one line from Commodus that sounds very similar to its Latin translation, and when Maximus tells an enemy he has more XP than he does without saying he has more XP than he does. Another good moment is the suggestion that his to the mob as “Maximus the Merciful” is half-ironic. I assert that it did indeed deserve its BP, but then again maybe I need to rewatch Best in Show.

         

 

 

QUOTES

QUINTUS: People should know when they’re conquered.
MAXIMUS: Would you, Quintus? Would I?
 
[addressing his troops before battle]
MAXIMUS: Fratres! Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled…for you are in Elysium, and you're already dead! [laughter] Brothers, what we do in life...echoes in eternity.

MARCUS AURELIUS: Tell me about your home.
MAXIMUS: My house is in the hills above Trujillo. A...a very simple place. Pink stones that warm in the sun. A kitchen garden that smells of herbs in the day. Jasmine in the evening. Through the gate is a giant poplar. Figs. Apples. Pears. The soil, Marcus. Black. Black like…like my wife's hair. Grapes on the south slopes, olives on the north. Wild ponies play near my house. They tease my son. He...he wants to be one of them.

[One of the Praetorian Guards struggles pulling his sword from its scabbard]
MAXIMUS: The frost. Sometimes it makes the blade stick.
[Kills him]

COMMODUS: I think I understand my own people.
GRACCHUS: Then perhaps Caesar will be so good as to teach us, out of his own extensive experience? [laughter]
COMMODUS: I call it love, Gracchus. The people are my children. I am their father. I shall hold them to my bosom and embrace them tightly...
GRACCHUS: Have you ever embraced someone dying of plague, sire?
COMMODUS: No, but if you interrupt me again, I assure you that you will.
 
DEALER: Proximo, my good friend! Every day is a great day when you are here. Today is your most fortunate day.
[Proximo grabs him by the crotch]
PROXIMO: Those giraffes you sold me, they won't mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me...queer giraffes. I want my money back.
 
PROXIMO: I am Proximo! I shall be closer to you for the next few days, which will be the last of your miserable lives, than that bitch of a mother who first brought you screaming into this world! I did not pay good money for your company. I paid it so that I might profit from your death. And just as your mother was there at your beginning, I shall be there at your end. And when you die - and die you shall - your transition will be to the sound of... [claps his hands]
 
[Maximus has won a gladiatorial match and throws a gladius into the press box in protest]
MAXIMUS: Are you not entertained? Is this not why you’re here?
[crowd hesitates and then continues to chant for him]
 
MAXIMUS: You sent for me?
PROXIMO: Yes I did. You’re good, Spaniard, but you’re not that good. You could be magnificent.
MAXIMUS: I’m required to kill, that is enough.
PROXIMO: That is enough for the Province, but not for Rome. The young emperor has arranged a series of spectacles to commemorate his father, Marcus Aurelius. I find that amusing, since it was Marcus Aurelius, the wise, the all-knowing Marcus Aurelius, that closed us down. So finally, after five years of scratching a living in flea-infested villages, we're finally going back to where we belong. [his eyes glaze over in wonder] The Colosseum. Oh you should see it…the Colosseum, Spaniard…fifty thousand Romans…watching…every movement of your sword…willing you to make that killer blow…the silence before you strike…the noise afterwards…rises, rises like, like..th…like, like a storm. As if you were the thunder god himself.
MAXIMUS: You were a gladiator?
PROXIMO: Yes I was.
MAXIMUS: You won your freedom?
PROXIMO: A long time ago the Emperor presented me with a rudis, just a…wooden sword. A symbol of your freedom. He…touched me on the shoulder, and I was free.
MAXIMUS: [laughing] You knew Marcus Aurelius?
PROXIMO: I didn't say I knew him, I said he touched me on the shoulder once!
MAXIMUS: You asked me what I want? I too want to stand in front of the Emperor, as you did.
PROXIMO: Then listen to me, learn from me. I wasn’t the best because I killed quickly. I was the best because the crowd loved me. Win the crowd, and you’ll win your freedom.
MAXIMUS: I will wind the crowd. I will give them something they’ve never seen before.

ANNOUNCER: You get your contract rates, or you’ll get your contract cancelled. You don’t like it, you can crawl back down that shithole you came from. [dons a goofy golden wig]

LUCIUS: Gladiator, are you the one they call the Spaniard?
MAXIMUS: Yes. 
LUCIUS: They said you were a giant. They said you could crush a man's skull with one hand.
MAXIMUS: [looks at his hand] A man's? No. A boy's...
LUCIUS: Do they have good horses in Spain?
MAXIMUS: Some of the best. [points to the horses on his armor] This is Argento, and this is Scarto. These were my horses. They were taken from me. 
LUCIUS: I like you, Spaniard, and I shall cheer for you.

COMMODUS: Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard. I don't think there's ever been a gladiator to match you. As for this young man, he insists you are Hector reborn. Or was it Hercules? …Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name? You do have a name…
MAXIMUS: My name is Gladiator.
[turns his back on Commodus]
COMMODUS: How dare you show your back to me! Slave! You will remove your helmet and tell me your name.
[Maximus removes his helmet and faces him]
MAXIMUS: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
 
COMMODUS: Why is he still alive? It vexes me. I’m terribly vexed.
 
[hushed silence as Maximus refuses to kill Tigris in defiance of the crowd and Commodus]
RANDOM GUY: Maximus! Maximus! Maximus the Merciful!
[crowd laughs]
 
COMMODUS: What am I going to do with you? You simply won't... die. Are we so different, you and I? You take life when you have to... as I do.
MAXIMUS: I have only one more life to take. Then it is done.
COMMODUS: Then take it now…They tell me your son squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross. And your wife... moaned like a whore when they ravaged her again and again... and again.
MAXIMUS: The time for honoring yourself will soon be at an end…Highness.
 
COMMODUS: If you're very good, tomorrow night I'll tell you the story of emperor Claudius who was betrayed by those closest to him, [looks at Lucilla] by his own blood. They whispered in dark corners and went out late at night and conspired and conspired but the emperor Claudius knew they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you've been doing busy little bee or I shall strike down those dearest to you. You shall watch as I bathe in their blood." And the emperor was heartbroken. The little bee had wounded him more deeply than anyone else could ever have done. And what do you think happened then, Lucius?
LUCIUS: I don’t know, uncle.
COMMODUS: The little bee told him everything.
 
MAXIMUS: Are you in danger of becoming a good man, Proximo?
PROXIMO: Ha!
 
FALCO: It’s done.
COMMODUS: And what of my nephew? And what of his mother? Should they share her lover’s fate? Or should I be merciful? “Commodus the Merciful.” Lucius will stay with me now. And if his mother so much as looks at me in a manner that displeases me, he will die. If she decides to be noble and takes her own life, he will die. [to Lucilla] And as for you, you will love me as I loved you. You will provide me with an heir of pure blood, so that Commodus and his progeny will rule for a thousand years. Am I not merciful? …AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!
 
COMMODUS: The general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking story. But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena?
 
MAXIMUS: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."
COMMODUS: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death?
MAXIMUS: You should know. He was your father.

Saturday, November 9, 2024

Music

ALBUM REVIEWS

BOOKS

MUSIC IN MEDIA ARTICLES



.

Cars

I'm not a Car Enthusiast (tm) in that I particular care about how fun a car is to drive. I'm more of a traditional styling guy. Then again as long as a car works, styling is no more subjective that "fun."


 MY CARS

VARIOUS ARTICLES

GENERATION RANKINGS

*But Not Really

Alice Cooper – Trash

1989

Rating: A+

 

       Taking some inspiration from a friend’s blog, I’ve decided to start doing an album review or two. Since Alice Cooper is one of my favorite musicians, I’ve decided to start with one of his high points. 

       There are many names in the music industry that are not household, yet have crucial significance. One of these names is Desmond Child, held by one writer and producer of some of the most iconic hits of the 80’s. In fact, if there’s a good chance that if an osmotic song from a certain band is actually worthwhile, he had a hand in writing it.  It's one of those little nuances that experts are apparently too autistic to clarify to the masses in their criticisms of artists who seem to have done their share of good works.

       But this is Alice Cooper we’re talking about: a revolutionary who had already established himself as one of the greats, plus he had already settled into this 80's high point with Raise Your Fist and Yell. And one thing that can define a visionary is an eye for talent to collaborate with. Just as one revolutionary hit upon the idea of having a cabinet, our own founding father of metal was not above working with talent. With this powerful combination, we have Child’s knack for effective composition combined with Cooper’s edge in Trash, an album truly great enough to avoid deserving the predictable snark concerning any allegedly apropos nomenclature (although that is definitely true for the title track).



COVER ART

 

Alice Cooper realizing that he has 
another election to carry on his back.

It’s fortunate that you cannot judge a book by its cover, because this is arguably the blandest image to have graced Cooper’s work. In addition to looking underwhelming per se, it does not look as if it has particularly great music. Outside the crazy skull on his shirt, Alice does not promise much energy by sulking in front of a fake gray plaster wall, and this looks less like a metal album and more like a misguided dabbling in hip hop. At least his name is well integrated with the album title, and it's an overall clean composition.

Rating: C-



1. POISON

written by Alice Cooper, Desmond Child, John McCurry

    Something tells me that Alice might be kindred spirits with a certain other victim of toxic sexual relationships Along with “Bed of Nails,” this is Cooper’s most popular song, and not without reason. A surprisingly great subgenre that thrived in 80’s hard rock is the break-up song, and this is its crown jewel thanks to its raw, uncompromising sound. A common attribute among this class of song is how gut-wrenching a toxic relationship is and how painful its memory was. The prevealing theme in these is that men are the true romantics and women are disappointingly cold, but that’s an unfair assessment based on a limited and biased point of view. That female break-up songs tend to be empowering and celebratory could only be shrugged off as a coincidence. 

     The video portion is nothing much to write home about. Shots of Alice Cooper's singing in an effectively moody B-Movie scene interspersed with shots of some woman and then his band playing against an absurdly bland background of Democrat Blue with the obligatory orange thing for contrast. About a minute and a half in, we do get some legitimate metal visuals in the form of torture chamber full of hanging chains.

     It would be hilarious if the aforementioned Hazbin song video somehow got a 900% views boost, triggering 9/11 for haters when Alice Cooper congratulates Viv & Co, only for her to backpedal on the reciprocation when the incident puts some of his wrongthink in the spotlight. 

RATING: A+

 

2. SPARK IN THE DARK

Alice Cooper, Desmond Child

Songs about sex should be smooth and sultry or energetic and edgy, with an acknowlegment that there might be something perverse about it if overdone. “Spark in the Dark” is a very successful version of the latter. This is one of the more underrated tracks on the album and one of the four that made the cut on the ClipJam collection that I use for roadtrips. The composition is melodic enough while also having enough of a rhythm to shake your body too, and the harmonization of vocal tracks during the crescendo is beautifually executed. A hidden gem.

RATING: A+

 

3. HOUSE OF FIRE

Wriiten by Alice Cooper, Desmond Child, Joan Jett

The first forgettable track on the album, a problem most likely explained by the negative musical value contributed by Joan Jett. A bland tune which holds only slight ironic, esoteric appeal to me thanks to humorous synapse misfire in which I picture cats standing proud to it.

The video is too good for the song, with classic haunted house visuals and some charmingly goofy and dated color negative flashes.

RATING: C

  

4.WHY TRUST YOU

Alice Cooper, Desmond Child

Another great break-up song of the 80’s, but this one has the added appeal of karma. The cathartic energy of calling out backstabbing pieces of trash whose bullshit have finally caught with them cannot be denied. The song is particularly relatable because, thanks to the ambiguity/obscurity of the lyrics, it can be easily applied outside of romance in reference to the type of person who used to be refreshingly sane, relatable friend until they sold out to the woke mind virus for furry clout while shunning you or at least screwing you and other commoners out of paid-for commissions because you weren’t some voice actor in a DotA that Cooper himself might approve of, but I digress.

RATING: A+


5.  ONLY MY HEART TALKIN'

Alice Cooper, Bruce Roberts, Andy Goldmark

This tedious and misguided foray into country/western, the only one in the album not partially written by Child, is probably one of my least favorite Alice Cooper songs. The lyrics are okay, but I generally don't care if the song itself is unenjoyable. The video is predictable in its content with the exception of some nicely-lit high-grain blank-and-white shots.

RATING: D


6. BED OF NAILS

Alice Cooper, Desmond Child, Kane Roberts, Diane Warren

A true classic. Hardcore, edgy, and sexy. Alice Cooper at his most twisted and sinister. I really don’t have much to contribute to the conversation on this one. The video is decent, mixing some high contrast black-and-red silhouettes along with helpful visual aids to clear up any potential confusion that might arise over the song's subject matter.

RATING: A+

 

7. THIS MANIAC’S IN LOVE WITH YOU

Alice Cooper, Desmond,Child, Bob Held, Tom Teeley

A fun, if repetitive, song, but not a classic despite its charming title and darkly humorous subject matter fitting for a metal album. The 80's pop synth sound was poorly chosen in contrast to well-executed 80's synths sound effects.
RATING: B


8. TRASH

Alice Cooper, Desmond Child, Mark Frazier, Jamie Savier

Presumably to preserve the iconography of the album, the appropriately titled “Trash” carries on the proud tradition of title tracks’ being so utterly forgettable and bland I'm surprised I don't constantly hear it on classic rock stations.

 RATING: D


9. HELL IS LIVING WITHOUT YOU

Alice Cooper, Desmond Child, Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora

A solid angsty break-up song that thankfully completes the minimum quota legally required of rock albums during the 80’s. Bon Jovi's influence produces a song almost on the par with "You Give Love a Bad Name."

RATING: A-

 

10. I’M YOUR GUN

Alice Cooper, Desmond Child, John McCurry

Not much to say about this one except that it’s a passably peppy song that there's not much to say much about it.

RATING: B

 

    Often a work can be greater than the average of its parts. Trash may split between great songs and decent-to-mediocre ones, but it's responsible for some true classics that stand as Cooper's most iconic. It doesn't have the greatest videos, and not too many of them: only four and half of those were for its lesser songs. 

    There may be some who feel the need to dismiss Trash as trendy 80’s slumming from Alice Cooper, but if anything it took his music to the next level in away that demonstrates that 80’s metal, for all its supposed banality, has the hardest, edgiest genre of rock music by default to the point where everything since has been softer. The best examples of it end up being the original metal artists like Cooper and Judas Priest updating and creating above average works for the genre. Cooper was pragmatic enough to join forces with a proven collaborator, but immediately followed up wonderfully with Hey Stoopid, even though Desmond Child did contribute that album what happens to be my favorite Alice Cooper song.


OVERALL RATING: A+

Tuesday, September 24, 2024

Roles That Were a Waste of Good Casting

I have absolutely no intention of seeing the new Crow movie, but they did seem to cast an actor (Bill Skarsgard) who could probably pull it off. Unfortunately, judging by the trailer…and the reviews, he looks pretty bland. I’ve been thinking of making a post about this, so here it is.

To clarify, this is not about the actors’ being wasted by being in a bad movie, but rather having their style wasted. Cast in very fitting roles, but due to poor direction, lack of screentime, or a bad interpretation of the character, their performance is disappointing in itself.

 

 



14. JIM CARREY as THE RIDDLER

Batman Forever (1995)

As I said before, Jim Carrey has a baseline hamminess that is quite amusing, but he often crosses the line into insufferability. There are times in which he fits like a glove in the role of the psychopathic Edward Nygma, but he’ll often go too far when trying to be funny, sometimes right in the middle of a sentence. It's not a complete waste but there's negative value to parts of his performance. 



 


13. BOLAJI BADEJO as THE DRONE

Alien (1979)

This seems like a strange choice, but I think it’s appropriate. I generally agree with the conventional wisdom that less is more when showing a monster (especially where Wampas are concerned), but I honestly think it’s a shame that something like this screen-test wasn’t included in the movie. It’s subtle enough, and Badejo’s body language is simultaneously graceful and unsettling. It’s also strange that there are no shots that effectively take advantage of Badejo’s lanky 6’10” frame; they could have put anyone in that suit with what they kept.

I suppose I’d give an honorable mention to Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant in Conan the Destroyer for a similar reason, though they don’t make the list because their acting ability may have been moot. They cast two athletes for the specific reason that they tower over Arnold, but there’s not a single shot in the actual movie that conveys the height difference as well as this photo of them just chilling on the set. Hell, the final fight with Dagoth is shot like it was Tom Hardy inside that rubber suit.



 

 

12. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN as EMPEROR SHADDAM IV

Dune, Pt. 2 (2024)

Aside from some mild grumpiness, he seems underwhelming, and the lack of screen-time does not help. Then again, it was a trend that these new Dune movies neglected the supporting characters to the extent that Kangaroo Jack made better use of Christopher Walken. 





11. DAVID DASTMALCHIAN as PITER DE VRIES

Dune, Pt. 1 (2021)

Despite being a psychopath in the source material, Piter is depicted as a straight man here  Dastmalchian holds his own in spite of this, but he can only do so much when he’s barely in the movie. It also raises the question of why they’d cast such a greasy-haired goonie when if they’re going to turn him into an anonymous cueball. 

Remember, kids: It’s always better to look like Cezare than Orlok.




 

10. ROBERT PATTINSON as BATMAN

The Batman (2022)

Having seen Pattinson’s charisma in at least one other movie, I was disappointed to see a mopey one-note parody of an angsty Batman. And here I was thinking he was trying to distance himself from Twilight! Despite my reaction, it seems that a lot of others were pleasantly surprised by him. I guess the Batman casting spell adjusts to individual subjectivity…




 

9. JARED LETO as THE JOKER

Suicide Squad (2016)

Yes, the Batman Casting Spell: the casting always seems to go the opposite of how you’d expect. Michael Keaton, Heath Ledger, and Ben Affleck all worked surprisingly well…and then there’s Jared Leto. I thought he would be great, but his own personal interpretation of the character ended up being a bit…off. They should have reined him in.

 




8. JOHN BOYEGA as FINN

The Star Wars Sequels (2015, 2017, 2019)

Boyega is a solid actor, but as many have complained, his character was reduced to a border-line minstrel role who shows little empathy towards his former stormtrooper comrades
. He should have been the Jedi, but everybody says that. It’s even more frustrating because they actually used this as misdirection in the promotional material.




 

7. TOMMY LEE JONES as TWO-FACE

Batman Forever (1995)

Despite the offense of not letting Billy Dee Williams return, Jones is perfect for the tragic character of Harvey Dent. Unfortunately, Harvey is not so tragic in this movie. At least Tommy looks like he’s having fun. It also gave us the best on-set takedown this side of Laurence Olivier.





6. AUSTIN BUTLER as FEYD-RAUTHA

Dune, Pt. 2 (2024)

After killing a tragic role as Elvis, Butler is then cast as an over-simplified version of Feyd-Rautha in Dune. He has fun, but it’s a one-note crazy person performance that I imagine anyone could pull off. At least we got some amusing gif memes out it. 

 




5. KEVIN CONROY as BATMAN (EARTH-99)

Batwoman, 2019

I’d want to avoid the typical complaints about some quasi-feminist deconstruction of traditional heroism, but it seemed like a betrayal that Kevin Conroy, the definitive voice of Batman, finally got a live-action role only to be turned into a cynical, nihilistic, and villainous parody of the Dark Knight.





4. PAUL DANO as THE RIDDLER

The Batman (2022)

He would have been great as an in-character version rather than the autistic child that barely got any screen time.




 

3. ROGER ALLAM as ILLYRIO MOPATIS

Game of Thrones (2011)

Originally the role was going to played by Ian McNeice (an even better casting choice), but that fell through, and they cast Allam instead. Appearances aside, Allam is actually very fun in roles like this. Unfortunately, he must not have liked being involved with the series, because he spends most of the time looking as if he’d rather be somewhere else and is conspicuously absent after first few episodes. 

TYRION: Where am I?

VARYS: You are in Pentos, in the house of Illyrio Mopatis

TYRION: Ok where is he?

VARYS: I don’t know. 




 

2. BRENT SPINER as THE JOKER

Young Justice (2011)

Joker is definitely a voice role that I know Brent Spiner can do well, but good night it's like a horribly-fandubbed Hazbin character. Not only is his voice acting flat, it doesn’t even sound like it’s coming from the character on the screen.




 

1. ANDY SERKIS as ULYSSES KLAUE 

Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Black Panther (2018)

So let me get this straight. you got a character from the comics who is transformed into this strange humanoid manifestation of living sound, you cast a guy most known for his mastery of motion-capture acting, and then you kill the character off without ever having him transform into living sound? Perhaps this is because Serkis is trying to distance himself from this now that motion-capture is standardized and he wants more serious roles, like MCU movies and Batman. I’ve heard he’s good in Andor, but I think this new direction is a bit bland and I miss weird old Andy Serkis. 




I might add more if I forgot any