2004 Movies Ranked

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27. Fat Albert
D: Joel Zwick
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The guy who made me sit through this told me Best in Show wasn't funny, so I guess things have a way of working out.


26. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

D: Adam McKay

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Man, everybody likes this movie.  Hipsters, Jocks, Goths, my brothers, the pope.  Everyone except me.  I like absurd humor when it’s done well, but I find this movie’s humor to be a really forced version of that.  I’ll make a review in which I elaborate on my feelings. 

25. Tentacolino

D: Kim J. Ok

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A sequel to The Legend of Titanic.  That’s right a sequel to the animated Titanic movie.  The one that’s not the one with the rapping dog and is somehow worse.  Despite having some pretty scenery, it’s absurd and poorly paced.  The understandable motivations of the “villains” and the petty and sometimes sadistic tendencies of the “heroes” make it one of the worst-framed movies I’ve seen since 300.

24. Alien vs. Predator

D: Paul W.S. Anderson

**********

Some interesting design, but the movie was mostly defined by nonexistent characterization and horribly edited action.  When I saw this I thought it was one of the worst movies I had ever seen, but that was in a happier, more innocent time before AVP:R and “Transformers.”

23. Resident Evil: Apocalypse

D: Alexander Witt

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An aggressively bad vixen movie with fight scenes that are either painfully ripped-off or incoherent.  Also has an extremely bland villain.  PWSA delegated directing duties since he was busy with an even more underwhelming movie:

22. Troy

D: Wolfgang Petersen

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A bland and oversimplified version of The Iliad with all the mythology/interesting stuff cut out.  At one point Priam makes a speech about how thousands of people getting killed in war because of Paris’ selfish infatuation is somehow noble.  The only things I liked were Sean Bean as Odysseus (I’d like to see a faithful sequel starring him) and a cameo by Aeneas.  Watch Gladiator instead.

21.  The Dawn of the Dead

D: Zack Snyder

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I didn’t like the original, but I would probably dislike this remake more if I did.  All the B-movie charm of it is replaced by Zack Snyder’s tacky style, and the movie seems too much like a generic Hollywood blockbuster.  The movie also features one of the most idiotic actions ever done in a horror movie.  Some woman gets a whole bunch of people killed in an utterly moronic attempt to save a dog.  Even worse, the dog was clearly being ignored by the zombies and was in no immediate danger whatsoever.

20. Saw

D: James Wan

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A grungy, dark and violent movie about a serial killer with a twisted sense of justice who traps people and kills them in symbolically gimmicky ways.  Doesn’t sound familiar at all.  The twist ending is so insulting that it makes me wonder why anyone took this movie seriously.  I didn’t see the sequels because I learned my lesson, but I hear they at least deliver on the gore.

19. Van Helsing
D: Stephen Sommers
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Hackish, boring action movie, but at least it boasts some good werewolf design.

18. Shark Tale

D: Vicky Jenson, Bibo Bergeron, Rob Letterman

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This spiritual sequel to Antz has atrocious character design, terrible fish puns and cheap pop cultural references.  The presence of Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorsese playing lame self-parodies only makes it worse.  Frustratingly, the movie does have a good amount of funny moments that prevent me from completely writing it off.  At least DreamWorks learned not to make movies about animals with human faces after this.  It also has a decidedly inaccurate likeness of the Titanic’s wreck.  

17. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

D: Rawson Marshall Thurber

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The only part of this movie I remember being funny was David Hasselhoff’s cameo, and Jason Bateman's memetic line.

16. A Christmas Carol: The Musical
D: Arther Allan Seidelman
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Kelsey Grammer's and Alan Menken's adaptation is bogged down by some tedious songs, but elevated by some good ones.

15. Shrek 2
D: Andrew Adamson, Kelly Asbury, Conrad Vernon
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It does sacrifice some plot for laughs, but unlike the subsequent sequels, it actually works.  Jennifer Saunders does a really good version "Holding Out for a Hero"


14. Sideways

D: Alexander Payne

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I love Paul Giamatti, and this is a pretty good little comedy.  I hate Merlot, too.

13. Kung Fu Hustle

D: Stephen Chow

**********

An extremely funny live-action cartoon.

12. I, Robot
D: Alex Proyas
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It lacks some of Proyas' visual style and a lot of people didn't like how it used the Aasimov title, but it's still a pretty solid movie.

11. Hellboy

D: Guillermo del Toro

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Good visual style and witty banter.  Ron Perlman is perfectly cast as Hellboy.

10. The Bourne Supremacy

D: Paul Greengrass

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Best.  Car chase.  Ever.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

D: Michel Gondry

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An imaginative and visually creative film.  Though Jim Carrey takes some heat for it, I like it when he does more subdued performances. 

8. Shaun of the Dead

D: Edgar Wright

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An excellent zom-com.  Could’ve done without the swipe at 28 Days Later, though; I believe that movie to be a vast improvement over the zombie movies this comedy affectionately spoofs.

7. The Passion of the Christ

D: Mel Gibson

**********

A good depiction of the Crucifixion.

6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

D: Alfonso Cuaron

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After a lackluster beginning under Chris Columbus, the series grows up fast with an atmospheric movie.  The time-turner is a pesky plothole, but the style and suspense more than make up for that.

5. Spider-Man 2

D: Sam Raimi

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Peter Parker’s struggles with his responsibilities as a superhero are what make this a great example of the genre, and Dr. Octopus is a great tragic villain.  I usually find it cheap and hackneyed when a hero loses his powers to appear more “vulnerable,” but they make it work here by linking it with a subconscious desire not to be a hero, which makes it identifiable.

4. The Incredibles

D: Brad Bird

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This movie raised the bar for quality at Pixar.  In fact, outside Toy Story, I don’t think the company consistently made truly great movies until it made this one.

3. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

D: Wes Anderson

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Everybody seems to look for deep meaning in Anderson's movie, but I like them because they're funny and visually stylish.  This is why I'm in the minority of people who think this is one his strongest works.  It’s just as underrated as Bottle Rocket is overrated.

2. Comic Book: The Movie

D: Mark Hamill

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Although accused of being a rip-off of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, even though it was incalculably funnier than that thing, and its humor and style have more in common with that of a Christopher Guest movie.  It’s not like Kevin Smith was complaining; he was in this movie.  Jim Cummings is also hilarious in his only live-action role.

1. Team America: World Police

D: Trey Parker

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Gut-wrenchingly hilarious satire of the War on Terror with great songs, fun action, and over-the-top sex (all involving puppets).  The question posed in the song "Pearl Harbor Sucks and I Miss You" ("Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?") makes even more sense now in light of the Transformers series.  

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