<< 2013 2015
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A lot of bad things happened in 2014. As well as some bad
movies. An odd trend this year seems to
be lackluster faith-based films and faithless “Biblical” films. The latter being used as vehicles for
filmmakers’ irreligion complete with unnecessary gimmicks like Jesus’ having a
wisecracking stork sidekick. I haven’t
seen Exodus: Gods and Kings, and I don’t care about seeing it any more than
how much Rameses apparently cares about having Moses killed.
10. Interstellar
D: Christopher Nolan
**********
Another miss from Nolan, except this time he doesn’t have
Zack Snyder or David S. Goyer to blame.
While it started out strong, it eventually succumbed to clichés,
irrational character actions and a tedious deus
ex machina in the third act. Also, I'm pretty sure that’s the theme to Land
Before Time. Still, while Nolan’s
writing isn’t as fresh as it used to be, this and Dark Knight Rises demonstrate that he can still direct the hell out
of a movie. The practical effects are
fantastic and refreshing, and the parts that are supposed to be thrilling are
thrilling. I also like pipe organs. The call to action on space exploration is a
good message. The movie at least
deserves credit for avoiding the all-too-common sci-fi trope of depicting
scientific progress as a boogeyman. It was objectively better than Amazing Spider-Man 2, but I guess I like that more due to lower expectations.
9. The Giver
D: Phillip Noyce
**********
While I find the movie’s stance against cold
Utilitarianism to be sadly necessary, the movie was aesthetically lackluster. There’s something wrong when Meryl Streep and Jeff Bridges give
incredibly bland performances. Like Interstellar it’s waste of a good
message. Equilibrium was a better adaptation of The Giver than The Giver is. However, I might say that the
movie’s visual blandness serves the story.
Unlike most dystopian movies, the soulless oppression here has not produced
an improvement in architecture. 
8. RoboCop
D: Jose Padilha
**********
A competent, but bland, remake that lacks the edge of the
1987 classic.
7. Godzilla
D: Gareth Edwards
**********
The movie that united the world in saying, “Well, at least
it was better than the 1998 movie.” While
competently directed and boasting great visuals, it’s still too slowly paced
and unimaginative in its story to make an impression. Also, Bryan Cranston dies too soon. I liked the teaser, though.
6. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
D: Peter Jackson
**********
The only reason I even went to see this movie was because
Smaug wasn’t killed in the previous one.
And he’s killed off in the first ten minutes. I confess to being successfully hustled. For all the padded out action between crowds
of anonymous CGI people that makes up most of the movie (it's like Return of the King without the good bits), you’d think Peter
Jackson would dedicate more than ten minutes to a dragon attacking a city. It had its moments, but it was mostly a bloated, cynical cash grab. 
D: Bryan Singer
**********
The return of Bryan Singer looked promising, but the
movie mostly seemed like a rehash of elements that worked better in the
previous movies.
4. Maleficent
D: Robert Stromberg
**********
While I was excited to see Angelina Jolies’ performance,
she only really gets to act the part in one scene (the one in the
trailer). I also didn’t like how the
three good fairies (whom I liked in the original) were turned into complete
idiots with off-putting character designs.
It’s like a bad fanfic where someone wanted to romanticize a favored
character while ridiculing the less favored ones. Also, what the hell was up with Maleficent’s
delegating Dragon duty to her sidekick?
Being a dragon was one of the things that made her awesome! Maleficent is a witty, charismatic villain
and she’s ALSO A FREAKING DRAGON. HOW DO YOU F--- THAT UP, DISNEY.
3. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
D: Robert Rodriguez, Frank Miller
**********
I’m guessing that this sequel was sat on for almost a
decade for a reason. It’s like the first
Sin City cherry-picked the best
stories, because this movie feels like its deleted scenes. Whereas the pseudo-noirish narration was
actually witty in the first movie, DKF’s seemed like the typical schlock I
expect from this trope. While visually
stylish, it was surprisingly dull.
2. The Rover
D: David Michôd
**********
An utterly dull movie that’s of a strain of “highbrow”
postapocalyptic works that are nothing more than Mad Max without anything that made that movie interesting. The
protagonist was bland and unlikable, and all you need to watch of this movie is this video up to 1:14.
1. Noah
D: Darren Aronofsky
**********
An atheist director makes a Biblical movie, and the
results are as good as one would expect.
A big disappointment from Aronofsky.
At least it had a great score.
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