11. The Majestic
D: Frank Darabont
**********
I was really enjoying this movie until halfway through
when it started becoming painfully predictable.
I could practically recite Jim Carrey’s final speech before it happened.
10. Shallow Hal
D: The Farrelly Bros.
**********
It’s like a lesser version of The Nutty Professor but it
does have some laughs and some effective emotional moments (Cadence's reveal is actually quite effective).
9. The Royal Tenenbaums
D: Wes Anderson
**********
I think Wes Anderson is hit-or-miss, and this is not one
of my favorites. I know that some people
may accuse Arrested Development of
ripping off the voiceover, but whereas that show uses it effectively for humor,
Alec Baldwin’s soporific narration just seems more like lazy exposition. It even ruins one punchline by giving it away
at the beginning of the movie. Also, I’ve
seen funny narration used effectively before, like in Freakazoid! I’m not sure why
Ben Stiller’s character and his sons are constantly dressed in jogging suits;
it’s more distracting than funny. Maybe
if it was some subtle act of defiance of the director when faced with a forced
product placement, which would be funny, but I don’t know. The movie has some interesting ideas, but I just didn't find it that funny.
8. Enemy at the Gates
D: Jean-Jacques
Annaud
**********
The movie does a great job depicting the brutality of
Stalinist Russia and has a great cameo by Krushchev (Bob Hoskins), but the story is ridiculous.
I’m tired of “historical” movies about love triangles. The Battle of Stalingrad was interesting enough without petty daytime talk show drama. Also, I’m no fan of communism, but pointing
out its failure to keep people out of love triangles is not a compelling
argument against it. There’s also a ridiculous and utterly tacked-on sex scene.
In an insanely cheap move, the movie
realizes that Ed Harris’ character is more sympathetic than any of the “heroes”
and has him murder a child at the last second so we’d want to see him die. The movie has a Moral Compromise Spectral Release Phantasmatron!
7. Jurassic Park III
D: Joe Johnston
**********
Forgettable.
6. Cats & Dogs
D: Lawrence Guterman
**********
When this came out I liked it just because it sided with
the dogs, but now that I'm older I would like to see something more complex and ambiguous It’s just a mediocre live-action talking animal movie.
D: Steven Spielberg
**********
It’s visually arresting and has a promising premise, but
it suffers from poor execution and a terrible ending. I definitely admire Kubrick’s artfulness, but
he apparently wasn’t particularly good at whimsy.
4. Osmosis Jones
D: Tom Sito, Piet Kroon, The Farrelly Bros.
**********
Get it? Chris Rock
is a white blood cell? You know…even though he’s actually black? A sub-par Farrelly Bros. movie combined with
a typically dated “hip” turn-of-the-century animated movie. At least there are some amusing moments and
some really good voice acting from Laurence Fishburne.
3. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
D: Kevin Smith
**********
Will Ferrell was the only enjoyable part of this spectacularly unfunny comedy.
2. Evolution
D: Ivan Reitman
**********
A really unfunny and crude comedy.
1. Pearl Harbor
D: Michael Bay
**********
Quite possibly the most insulting war movie I’ve ever
seen. Yet another Historical Love
Triangle movie. I’m usually not a
stickler for fake accents, but Ben Afflecks Southern accent is beyond
awful. At least it produced a good soundtrack, this hilarious song and one of the Nostalgia Critic’s better reviews.
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