Now for my least favorite movies from my favorite decade for movies. We as a society are pretty good at purging bad movies from our collective memory. I listed a bunch of forgotten bad movies from the 90's that I only know of because I was there. The 80's probably had its share of crap, but no one ever talks about it. As a result, many of the movies on the following lists are going to be beloved movies I disagree with people about.
16. All Dogs Go to Heaven
1989
D: Don Bluth
**********
Don’t get me wrong, I love Don Bluth when he’s at the top
of his game. He was a huge influence on my tastes. Secret of NIMH and Land Before Time, two of my favorite animated movies, were
criminally underrated and they’re a standard by which others should be
judged. ADGtH is to Don Bluth
what Signs was to M. Night Shyamalan;
it had the director’s stylistic strengths, but it’s where things started to get
stupid. It boasted excellent animation, Don Bluth nightmare fuel, a
likable protagonist and a good premise. I won’t deny the movie’s
strengths as a potential masterpiece (Nostalgia
Chick does a great positive review of it) Unfortunately, its tone was
ruined by idiotic scenes like the laser attack,
the Big-Lipped Alligator
Moment and some
terrible songs (and yet Don Bluth fans think Titan AE is a terrible movie for some reason). I don’t know
what extent to which this was forced on Bluth, but it wrecks the film for me.
15. An American Tail
1986
D: Don Bluth
**********
Like ADGH, It has its strengths, but too many silly
moments (such as the stupidity of the Cossack Cats) ruin the experience for me.
14. Firefox
1982
D: Clint Eastwood
**********
Another boring eye-candy 80’s movies. The movie is
dull and terribly paced, but I love the design and effects of the titular plane.
Kenneth Colley (Admiral Piett) and Ronald Lacey (Toht) also help make it
a nostalgic 80’s movie for me. It’s
another love/hate movie for me, which is why it’s on the other list.
13. Conan the Destroyer
1984
D: Richard Fleischer
**********
A girl’s virginity is entrusted to Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Wilt Chamberlain. It has some good
scenery and effects, but its cheesiness and lack of violence prevent it from
being a worthy sequel.
12. The Black Cauldron
1985
D: Ted Berman, Richard Rich
**********
Disney’s attempt to make a Don Bluth movie. Great animation and atmosphere don’t make up for
the lame characterizations. The hero is
so weak the sword has to do all the fighting for him.
1987
D: Don Jurwich
**********
The movie retcons the entire premise of the show. Say what you will about the live-action
movies. They were still better than
this.
10. Superman II
1980
D: Richard Donner
**********
Terence Stamp is great, and the movie is
entertaining. However, it ruins itself
the same way the last one did. I already
complained about this cop-out in the first movie, but it’s even worse in Superman II. Superman and Lois just had an understanding
where she promises to keep his secret identity intact. This would have been a great ending which would
have resulted in the characters maturing organically. Instead of trusting her Superman kisses her
memory away. Afterwards Superman enjoys
Lois’ imposed ignorance, because we’re all just toys in his game, right? The Donner cut is worse because he turns back
time again, this time negating the whole
damn movie. It’s funny how both the
producers and the director thought that the mature and intelligent ending
wasn’t an option, because we had to have that “endearing” dynamic between Clark
and a suspicious but hapless Lois.
1984
D: Neil Jordan
**********
Has some good visuals, but it is poorly paced and not
very watchable.
8. Scanners
1981
D: David Cronenberg
**********
The head-exploding scene is indeed thrilling, but part of
me doubts that most people have even bothered trying to sit through the rest of
the movie.
7. Wolfen
1981
D: Michael Wadleigh
**********
Well-directed, but it was one of the most anticlimactic
movies I have ever seen. We thought we
were going to see werewolves, but instead we got wolves who were social justice
warriors.
6. A Nightmare on
Elm Street
1984
D: Wes Craven
**********
I’m willing to bet that most of the people from my
generation venerate this movie because they saw it when they were four, and it
scared the crap out of them. I saw it in my early 20’s and I wasn’t too
impressed.
5. Jaws 3D
1983
D: Joe Alves
**********
While I do like some of the cheesy visuals, it’s pretty
stupid. I still found it more watchable
than Jaws 2.
4. Short Circuit
1986
D: John Badham
**********
Only good if you watched it when you were a kid and it
has nostalgic value for you. Also, I
wouldn’t by any food from that hippie woman who lets wild animals run free in
the same area she makes her organic food.
3. They Live
1988
D: John Carpenter
**********
There’s a healthy questioning of reality, and then
there’s a movie that panders to the delusions of the type of schizophrenics who
cause mass shootings…and liberals. I can’t exactly get behind a movie
whose “hero” slaughters any member of a race he sees as an oppressor.
This movie has almost all the disturbing implications of The Matrix without any of the style or fun. No wonder Slavoj Zizek likes this movie. Also, depicting
movie critics who didn’t like your previous movies as evil aliens isn’t exactly
professional writing. The one thing this movie has going for it is the iconic fight scene between
Rowdy Roddy Piper and Keith David.
2. Spaceballs
1987
D: Mel Brooks
**********
Many movies that we think of as classics had lukewarm
critical reception upon their release. This is a rare instance where I
actually side with movie critics’ assessment of the movie over its cult
status. The jokes are mostly lame puns, double-entendres and painfully
obvious pop-cultural references (Get it? They’re making fun of how much
merchandising Star Wars has!)
The only parts of the movie I found consistently funny were Rick Moranis and
John Candy, just because were naturally funny actors
1. Supergirl
1984
D: Jeannot Szwarc
**********
While moments of it are hilariously inept, the movie was
very slowly paced and painful to sit through.
I did find it kind of funny how the villainess’ friend was apparently
the school secretary.
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