A few really
bad animated movies came out this year.
16. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
D: Peter Jackson
**********
Despite some great scenery and the ingenious casting of
Martin Freeman as Bilbo, the movie drags on with unnecessary side quests and
drawn out scenes. We don’t need tedious
padding to remind us that Lord of the
Rings is going to happen, Peter Jackson.
Also, the gross-out gags during the troll scene were uncalled for. Is it just me or does the theme sound
familiar?
15. The Amazing Spider-Man
D: Marc Webb
**********
Though less visually gaudy than Sam Raimi’s movie, the
plot was not quite as well-constructed.
I found the overall experience so bland that when I saw the sequel I had
forgotten that Denis Leary’s character had died. Still, I liked Andrew Garfield and his
Spider-Man had some great one-liners. Gwen
Stacy was also a stronger character than Mary Jane was. James Horner’s score is mostly forgettable,
but it has its moments.
14. Moonrise Kingdom
D: Wes Anderson
**********
While very stylish, I found its characters and humor
lacking. A slight miss from Wes
Anderson.
13. John Carter
D: Andrew Stanton
**********
I know the story was the space opera that started it all,
but the movie doesn’t do anything to make it seem fresh outside a few
imaginative visuals and good moments of world-building. The movie is very orange and has a generic
CGI look that made me feel like I was watching the end of Episode II again. The
characters weren’t all that compelling, even if they had a few amusing
moments. The movie is also poorly paced. John Carter is a 19th Century
Virginian, and I’m pretty sure I have more of a Southern accent than he does. I love how he just encounters two armies of
Martians fighting and simply decides to take the side of the one that seems to
be losing even though he has no frame of reference. I guess he likes lost causes.
12. The Dark Knight Rises
D: Christopher Nolan
**********
A huge disappointment considering how great the previous
two movies were. While the
cinematography was great, the story left a lot to be desired, and Bane was
poorly handled in the adaptation. I love
how Batman’s bad leg and back are brushed off and forgotten about halfway
through the movie. That’s how you handle
vulnerability.
11. I Declare War
D: Jason Lapeyre, Robert Wilson
**********
The immature decision to make the religious kid a
gullible moron was the one mistake that ruined this otherwise clever movie for
me.
10. Total Recall
D: Len Wiseman
**********
A joyless and boring adaptation of the Paul Verhoeven
classic. I’ve been trying to be
supportive of Kurt Wimmer, but this is the last time I watch something written,
but not directed, by him.
9. Prometheus
D: Ridley Scott
**********
This movie may have great effects and cinematograpy, but
it combined insufferable pretentiousness with B-movie stupidity. David (Michael Fassbender) is the only
character whose motivations and actions make sense. He’s like the only person in the movie. The other characters are like really dumb
animals.
8. Pokemon the Movie: Kyurem vs. the Sword of Justice
D: Kunihiko Yuyama
**********
I don’t know why I let my friends make me sit through all
these boring Pokemon movies. The
protagonist may be cute, but he is a f---ing moron.
7. Foodfight!
D: Lawrence Kasanoff
**********
The infamous animated film that’s so aggressively s---ty
that it actually has some ironic appeal.
6. The Odd Life of Timothy Green
D: Peter Hedges
**********
You’d think this would just be a cloying family movie,
but it’s actually really stupid. Two
prospective parents tell an adoption agency a story about a fantastical boy
that is either a tall tale made to waste their time or a testimony to how they
should not be allowed to adopt a kid.
D: Mans Marlind, Bjorn Stein
**********
Our favorite genocidal vampiress is back in a movie that
almost makes the first Underworld
look good.
4. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
3. Cinderella 3D
D: Pascal Herold
**********
Not technically as bad as Foodfight, but it was very tedious and had some off-putting character
designs.
2. Cosmopolis
D: David Cronenberg
**********
I admit I was unable to sit all the way through this, but
I did skim through it. The characters
are not remotely interesting, let alone likable. The movie’s also a waste of Paul Giamatti. You know, without his distinctive krypto-pornographic
gore, David Cronenberg’s movies are actually really boring.
1. Ivan the Incredible
D: Michael Hegner
**********
Forget Foodfight! This is the worst animated movie I’ve
ever seen. Crude animation. Off-putting character designs. Uncomfortable situations. A terrible moral (“better to just let
yourself be the victim than risk being a bully”). Not even ironically enjoyable.
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