The #1 entry is probably going to shock some, but
hopefully it will make the world a little less lonely for the few who agree
with me on it.
10. Shark Tale
D: Vicky Jenson, Bibo Bergeron, Rob Letterman
**********
This spiritual sequel to Antz has atrocious character design, terrible fish puns and cheap
pop cultural references. The presence of
Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorsese playing lame self-parodies only makes it
worse. Frustratingly, the movie does
have a good amount of funny moments that prevent me from completely writing it
off. At least DreamWorks learned not to
make movies about animals with human faces after this. It also has a decidedly inaccurate likeness
of the Titanic’s wreck. 9. Van Helsing
D: Stephen Sommers
**********
A mediocre film with an inappropriately long runtime.
8. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
D: Rawson Marshall Thurber
**********
The only part of this movie I remember being funny was
David Hasselhoff’s cameo.
7. Troy
D: Wolfgang Petersen
**********
A bland and oversimplified version of The Iliad with all the mythology/interesting
stuff cut out. At one point Priam makes
a speech about how thousands of people getting killed in war because of Paris’
selfish infatuation is somehow noble.
The only things I liked were Sean Bean as Odysseus (I’d like to see a
faithful sequel starring him) and a cameo by Aeneas. Watch Gladiator
instead.
6. The Dawn of the Dead
D: Zack Snyder
**********
I didn’t like the original, but I would probably dislike
this remake more if I did. All the
B-movie charm of it is replaced by Zack Snyder’s tacky style, and the movie
seems too much like a generic Hollywood blockbuster. The movie also features one of the most
idiotic actions ever done in a horror movie.
Some woman gets a whole bunch of people killed in an utterly moronic
attempt to save a dog. Even worse, the
dog was clearly being ignored by the
zombies and was in no immediate danger whatsoever.
5. Saw
D: James Wan
**********
A grungy, dark and violent movie about a serial killer
with a twisted sense of justice who traps people and kills them in symbolically
gimmicky ways. Doesn’t sound familiar at all. The twist ending is so insulting
that it makes me wonder why anyone took this movie seriously. I didn’t see the sequels because I learned my
lesson, but I hear they at least deliver on the gore.
4. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
D: Alexander Witt
**********
An aggressively bad vixen movie with fight scenes that
are either painfully ripped-off or incoherent. Also has an extremely bland villain. PWSA delegated directing duties since he was busy with an even more underwhelming movie:
3. Alien vs. Predator
D: Paul W.S. Anderson
**********
Some interesting design, but the movie was mostly defined
by nonexistent characterization and horribly edited action. When I saw this I thought it was one of the
worst movies I had ever seen, but that was in a happier, more innocent time
before AVP:R and “Transformers.”
2. Tentacolino
D: Kim J. Ok
**********
A sequel to The
Legend of Titanic. That’s right a sequel to the animated Titanic movie. The one that’s not the one with the rapping dog and is somehow worse. Despite having some pretty scenery, it’s absurd and poorly paced. The understandable motivations of the “villains”
and the petty and sometimes sadistic tendencies of the “heroes” make it one of
the worst-framed movies I’ve seen since 300.
1. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
D: Adam McKay
**********
Man, everybody likes this movie. Hipsters, Jocks, Goths, my brothers, the pope. Everyone except me. I like absurd humor when it’s done well, but
I find this movie’s humor to be a really forced version of that. I’ll make a review in which I elaborate on my
feelings.
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